Back to square one

[yemenitegreen]

So.. I'm back.

Back to square one. Reading Brook's posts about how she rededicated herself to Atkins, to the new Me and new life helped me tremendously to get a few things in perspective - thanks Brook, you are an inspiration to me (and so are many of you on this board).

I have to make changes in my life, some of them come easily, most don't. The biggest part, or so it seems, is the financial side, and I am working on it. I am suffering from untreated adult ADHD and I need treatment badly, but still, my insurance doesn't cover anything like that and right now I just cannot afford it. I cannot give up caffeine right now, because it's self-medication.

When the ship hit the sand (thanks again, Brook ) this summer it was because of health reasons. I have several allergies, amongst them food allergies, hayfever and the recent addition is allergic asthma. I decided to draw a line 4 weeks ago and to go back on Atkins come what may. I cannot afford most of the medication or supplements I should be taking, but still: I can make it. I survived a disastrous marriage and even worse divorce, I survived two mobbing wars. I'm still here although ending it all has crossed my mind often. I'm broke and hurt, but I'm not broken.

The top priority right now - aside from becoming a successful homemaker within 3 months - is: make the right food choices, drink water, exercise. I need to lose weight. I won't be entering another hayfever season (worst is over for this year) being obese and unable to breathe. Losing weight will probably not heal my asthma, but I expect a vast improvement on my immune system. I've already noticed I don't get as many hematomas as I did before. Adnexitis is back and surgery and medication couldn't change that for the better. It sucks, but still it could be worse and I won't give up. So if a daily dose of ibuprofene is what it takes to get through the day - here I come.

I fought bulimia for nearly a decade, and won. I shattered an ankle and damaged the ligaments in one foot during high school sport. Running wasn't meant for me... and guess what: I'll start Couch 2 5 K next week. I won't give in. I'm really afraid of losing my insurance and losing my home due to lack of money. It can happen. I pray it won't.

What hits me worst at the moment is a communication breakdown with my boyfriend. Actually, I think he cannot understand what I am doing and why I am doing it, and he's afraid of changes. He's puzzled about all that Atkins stuff, he's a 140lb guy at 6'3"... last night we seemed to be hurting each other and I feel like going mute. There's no use of saying or trying to explain something if the outcome is being hurt

I need to sort out a lot of things. One thing I don't need to sort out anymore is how and what to eat and why. I just have to do it. For me it is easier to have control when I keep it simple. So I am back to square one. Today I restart another two weeks of induction. Monday I am starting C25K.

One of those Nike moments in life - Just Do It.



yemenitegreen

[Finelly]

Re: Back to square one

Hey, hon --

You posted late at night here in the US and I am the only one still awake! I can tell that it was a real vent and purge thing for you - the good kind. Maybe you've been needing to share this for a long time.

You are not alone. We're all here, ready to stand at your back and hold you up if you falter, or nudge you forward if you don't know the direction every now and then.

A lot of your physical conditions will be alleviated as you lose weight. You know that. The other ones are going to plague you for awhile, but as you become healthier, they wont have the same impact. Actually, I'm wondering if ketosis will help with the ADD...........that would be interesting to learn. Certainly, the lack of processed sugars and flours is going to help it out.

Change is difficult, and change invariably makes some of our loved ones say "no! Change back!" or become afraid that WE, our intrinsic selves will change, rather than our bodies and our lifestyles. It's hard to reassure our loved ones - sometimes they just have to learn as we go. We're all learning! One day at a time in the relationship, the job situation, the health situation, and this woe!

What do you need from us as you make these major changes? Do you want some of us to start the Couch to 5 k with you? I've been avoiding it, but I'll do it if you want. Do you need an email buddy or two to vent to?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUG FOR YOU, YEMENITE!}}}}}}

[Desertthorn]

Re: Back to square one

Great Post. Also I am so glad to see that STAC banner. It helps to know who is who. Brook is our motivational star and we are so lucky to have her on ADBB. We are lucky to have you also, cause soon you will also be near goal and helping others.
HUGS Welcome

[Brook]

Re: Back to square one

(((((((yemenitegreen))))))))

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes because I can feel you and your struggle from here. I understand how hard it is to step up, acknowledge the issues and bare your soul. I admire you and the strength it took for you to stand up and be counted.

You get to be human.


We really are here for you and will help you in any way that we possibly can. The people here at ADBB, and other support sites across the internet, are an AMAZING resource. Use us to your advantage and as long as you let us help - we're not going to let you fall.

You're an amazing person, yemenitegreen - and it makes my heart smile to see you acknowledge that about yourself and OWN it. You deserve the very best life has to offer you, and it's yours for the taking.

Finelly has so many fantastic points and said so many wonderful things- all I can do is echo the sentiments.

If there's ANYTHING I can do, please, don't be afraid to ask. You strike me as being a very proud person (don't know anyone else like that, do we? ), yemenitegreen, and that's okay! - but don't let it stop you from hollerin' at me or whom ever else you feel comfortable with.

((((((Hugs))))))
~Brook


Desertthorn - You make my heart smile. Thank you.

[Terry]

Re: Back to square one

I am sitting here and cant say anything that hasnt already been said. You have friends here and all the support in the world at your feet, er typing fingers ...... ready to go and help in any way possible.

Yours is a tough row to hoe but step by step it can be done.

So I add another <hug> for you and welcome you to the first day of the rest of your life yemenitegreen!

[Spikette]

Re: Back to square one

Welcome ...this is a great place...lots of caring and support...much luck to you

[yemenitegreen]

Re: Back to square one

Thanks to you all for your kind words and support and just being here and listening

Finelly: I guess a buddy for C25K would help, but before I ask for such a favor I want to try the first week on my own so as not to make a fool of myself ... I am afraid I will have to repeat it once or even twice before I am ready to go on. I haven't been running for nearly 2 decades now. My muscles are aching even at the mere thought of it! I haven't been inactive, but I guess it will be a struggle. So if you or someone else would like to join me for the 5 k-plan, say, in a week, I'd be glad to have a buddy help me do it

You are such a great bunch!

Brook: you are, of course, right about the being-proud part and I still haven't figured out if this is good or bad, but it keeps me going.

People with ADD are chronically low on self-esteem and I need to have a shield from the world, to keep me from feeling like a complete failure and finally giving in. And, as you all know, low self-esteem is the sister of obesity...

I've just spent some lazy time on the couch, watching a Robin Williams movie - What Dreams May Come. It's about a medical doctor who dies in a car accident after having lost both children. He enters the afterlife and finds himself in a magic world. His wife commits suicide and he literally walks through **** to free her and bring her to his special place in heaven... basically a very romantic story about never ending love. Made me cry for my lost marriage and all the lost dreams and broken promises... I feel so silly.

Thanks again for being here - you make a difference

yemenitegreen

[Finelly]

Re: Back to square one

Yemenite - I teach special ed and almost every kid in my class has ADD. What are your symptoms as an adult and can you give some examples of how they interfere with your life?

I will wait a week to start the running thing if you want. I must warn you that I am a smoker and I suck at running. I ran for about a year once and it took me a good 3 months to be able to run a quarter of a mile without stopping. But I loved it once I got to the point where I could actually run. So don't worry about needing to start and stop. If I join you, I will be the lamest, stupidest-looking one in the bunch!

[yemenitegreen]

Re: Back to square one

Yemenite - I teach special ed and almost every kid in my class has ADD. What are your symptoms as an adult and can you give some examples of how they interfere with your life?
I will wait a week to start the running thing if you want. I must warn you that I am a smoker and I suck at running. I ran for about a year once and it took me a good 3 months to be able to run a quarter of a mile without stopping. But I loved it once I got to the point where I could actually run. So don't worry about needing to start and stop. If I join you, I will be the lamest, stupidest-looking one in the bunch!

Finelly, as I wrote in another thread, this morning I did an hour of brisk walking, so I consider myself as in week zero of C25K

Now, a few hours later, my legs feel great, I'm probably going for another walk right tomorrow in the morning. The SO promised to come with me. Since he is a long-legged, slim animal he'll have to slow down for me, I guess...

ADD (a bit long, I used an online list since I have some problems with finding the right terms in English):

*Short attention span, unless very interested in something
*Easily distracted, tendency to drift away (although at times can be hyperfocused)
*Lacks attention to detail, due to distractibility
*Trouble listening carefully to directions
*Frequently misplaces things
*Easily distracted during sex, causing frequent breaks or turn-offs during lovemaking
*Tendency to be easily bored (tunes out)
(actually I'm not really bored, it is more like my brain goes to screensaver mode)
*An internal sense of anxiety or nervousness
*Trouble going through established channels, trouble following proper procedure, an attitude of "read the directions when all else fails"
*Low frustration tolerance
*Poor organization and planning, trouble maintaining an organized work/living area
*Often have piles of stuff
*Easily overwhelmed by tasks of daily living
*Poor financial management (late bills, check book a mess, spending unnecessary money on late fees)
*Problems Getting Started and Following Through (BIG TIME)
*Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started
*Starting projects but not finishing them, poor follow through
*Enthusiastic beginnings but poor endings
*Inconsistent work performance
*Negative Internal Feelings
*Chronic sense of under achievement, feeling you should be much further along in your life than you are
*Chronic problems with self-esteem
*Sense of impending doom
*Mood swings
*Negativity
*Frequent feeling of demoralization or that things won't work out for you
*Avoids group activities
*Trouble with authority
*Tendency To Get Stuck (thoughts or behaviors)
*Tendency to worry needlessly and endlessly
*Tendency toward addictions (food, alcohol, drugs, work)
*The Harder I Try The Worse It Gets
*Performance becomes worse under pressure.
*Test anxiety, or during tests your mind tends to go blank
*Tendency to turn off or become stuck when asked questions in social situations
*Difficulty falling asleep, may be due to too many thoughts at night
*Low Energy
*Frequently feeling tired
(no wonder I have not been sleeping properly for more than half a decade now...)
*Startles easily
*Sensitive to touch, clothes, noise and light

This affects all of my life. In addition to the two mobbing wars I had in the last few years most of these points in particular interfere with finding a decent job which doesn't kill me. I've done the secretary/assistant thing for a long time, but I just cannot follow stupid orders by even more stupid people (oh, yeah, I forgot "opinionated" on that list above ...)

I score around 130 in IQ tests even without medication and my therapist said this could easily mean it's even higher when I am properly medicated. Most of my highschool and college probs scream gifted person (now that helped a lot )

I get easily frustrated when my life or mind are cluttered...

Funny enough, I am great at organising events, offices, projects or other people, but not myself. I am full of a million plans ideas and projects I could start and which will probably never be started. Following up and finishing them seems to be impossible. Not that I don't want to...

I am an avid reader, at least in German a good writer, I do a lot of writing, I would love to pursue a career as a writer (now talk about those unwritten books in my head...).

Enough rambling for today. I need to get back to work and make some calls. (I hate telephone calls. I hate when I cannot see people talking to me and expecting proper emotional responses to clues I can hardly get when seeing them, let alone on the phone).

I prefer written conversations whenever possible. I hate smalltalk. Sometimes I really feel autistic when my brain has a filter breakdown and all the noises, colors, visual recognitions, smells, seem to drown my mind... a good friend of mine has Aspergers and she can relate quite good to this. Actually, her therapist said that hypoactive/inattentive ADD and Aspergers are closely related.

Now, back to work

yemenitegreen

[Laurenfra]

Re: Back to square one

Welcome to the STAC family. We will hold you up, listen to you, smack you upside the head(only if needed), and love you. We all have similar problems and are glad you could share yours with us.

I dont know that I have ADD but I do know all the things you listed could be me. I have found in order to cope at least one thing in my life has to be in order. If you get going on the Atkins and the couch to 5 you will have one area to look at and say "yes, I am in control!"