I'd better not hear those lame excuses come Friday

[cleochatra]

Just a word up front about Thanksgiving. Yeah, if you've already read it four times, read it again. I'm your Jewish mother talking. G-d forbid you married the bum, you listen to your mother about this one thing.

Listen.

I know we are all human, but I don't want to hear about how you ate something you weren't supposed to eat on Thanksgiving knowing full well you have time to practice "Just saying No".

I'm removing all that power you think you have right now to get one past me.

You'd better start thinking of all the lame excuses right now for why you think I'm not going to smack you upside the head when I see you ate some of the marshmallow yams.

Don't give me "But, cleo! I was walking through the dining room and I TRIPPED over the dog and my mouth fell open right on this plate of yams."

No, no, no.

I don't want to hear you had to hide the pecans rolls in your bra to keep them warm for your husband. Honey, he can keep his own buns warm.

I don't want to hear you licked off the spoon that went in the mashed potatoes but you didn't inhale.

I don't want to hear that you didn't have relations with that woman, Sarah Lee, while you're touching her pie crust.

uhn uhn uhn.


Thanksgiving should be the easiest exercise in self-control. You've got a turkey right there.

You don't need the stuffing. It came out of a dead bird's butt. Hello. Dead bird butt bread leavins?

And that cranberry sauce? Let's be real here. Cranberries are probably fine on the OWL rung, but if it came out of a can and looks like a nuclear cooling tower and makes a schlopp sound as it falls onto the plate, it had better not be on your fork.

That's right. Give me that look. Don't make me come over there.

I saw that.

[Terry]

Re: I'd better not hear those lame excuses come Friday

I dont know about anyone else but that works for me. <fear in eyes>

Pass the turkey please.

[Jasmain]

Re: I'd better not hear those lame excuses come Friday

WHAT, I wasn't gonna eat that, I was just passing it around the table! I've never had a jewish mother before.. Can we talk about this before things get violent? I promise, I'll be good, there is really NO need for you to practice with that punching bag!

[loriv19]

Re: I'd better not hear those lame excuses come Friday

You don't need the stuffing. It came out of a dead bird's butt. Hello. Dead bird butt bread leavins?

ROFLMAO!!!

I'll never eat stuffing again.

[Jasmain]

Re: I'd better not hear those lame excuses come Friday

Okay, and to add to the ewwwwwww, someone had their hand up that butt to yank out the plastic bag full of innards! I hope whoever shoves those bags up there is making a LOT of money for that job.

[2big4mysize]

Re: I'd better not hear those lame excuses come Friday

Great post Cleo but you forgot the they made me eat it cause they made it special just for me guilt trip factor.

Remeber if they loved you they would not want you to poison yourself on their account

and if all else fails in the words of Tanznite50 I'm allergic to carbs they make me breakout in fat!

[cleochatra]

Re: I'd better not hear those lame excuses come Friday

2big-- you have a good point, but I'm not taking those excuses either.

If they don't have pictures I can sell on Ebay of Auntie Gladys sitting on someone's chest and forcing Jelly Bellies down their throat, I don't even--uh--uhn uhn-- no--I don't even want to hear that.

Nobody puts on the expando pants and uses the Jaws of Life for post-dinner extraction from the table this year.

And when I say table, I mean tables, folding trays, counter tops or wherever the food is. Don't try the whole, "but you said table, and I wore an expando skirt not pants".

Don't go getting all smart with me. I know politics and all the BS ways to say something and think you're getting away with it. I'll still get the severed Barbie head on your pillow.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[Finelly]

Re: I'd better not hear those lame excuses come Friday

Jewish mother here. (waving hand so you can see me)

Olives. Celery and broccoli with dip. Asparagus. Salad. Pumpkin souffle (works just as well as yams and marshmallows). Turkey. Cauliflower mock taters. Chocolate mousse (whipped cream with cocoa powders and splenda).

Remember: Jewish mother's guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

You want more? Go 'head. Cheat on Thursday. Cleo and I will take care of the rest.

[2big4mysize]

Re: I'd better not hear those lame excuses come Friday

oh and the had to taste it to see if the seasonings were correct as you scarfed down 1/2 the pie or cake batter while cooking doesn't work either. get a designated taste tester to assist you if you have to cook high carb food for others.

[Sirine]

Re: I'd better not hear those lame excuses come Friday

Cleo..You are too fricken hilarious!!! I swear you are the one of the reasons I come here....


ha ha ha ha a ha a ha ha...I'm still laughing!

[Finelly]

Re: I'd better not hear those lame excuses come Friday

"I was doing great, with all the low-carb foods, until I had that fourth glass of wine. Then, for some reason, all of my inhibitions disappeared!"

[Finelly]

Re: I'd better not hear those lame excuses come Friday

"Nobody told me the punch was spiked! I thought it was diet sprite!"

[Spikette]

Re: I'd better not hear those lame excuses come Friday

Cleo...great post!! Had me rolling on the floor You are too much!

[ShannonK]

Re: I'd better not hear those lame excuses come Friday

Cleo, you are the best... and you are scaring me a little!

[Finelly]

Re: I'd better not hear those lame excuses come Friday

I keep telling you guys, Cleo is one scary person. You should see her fangs......