Deep thoughts from Pigs

[PigsInSpace]

Hello everyone! I just feel like writing a bit, so here I am. My mindframe these days is a bit odd and new. I feel a little bit in limbo with myself. I'm not really stoked at my progress on the plan, yet I'm also not feeling discouraged either. Just sort of going along, plugging away, relying on my faith in the science of the WOE and that since this is life for me forever, not really feeling in a rush. I'm sure I'll go up and down with that and feel more of a sense of urgency now and then. But it kind of feels good to feel at peace with myself and with the plan.

Things are really happening for me professionally. Last week I passed my last cosmetology test and now I am fully licensed! So yay about that, for sure. I have a lot of opportunity coming my way and it seems like I can really be making a nice income for myself within the next several months. And to do something I love doing--hair, wow. I feel so lucky. It's taken me a year to complete this career change and finally it's all happening so fast!

I am excited about Valentine's Day. I get to have some Indian food and have pre-allowed myself a few pieces of my favorite breaded (lightly) vegetable appetizer and two pieces of flatbread. Knowing that pushes me to work out harder and eat better in the interim.

It's time for me to control my trigger foods, which are breads and salty, crunchy things. To not make everytime that I eat some as a horrible, terrible, diet crashing, wagon falling off activity. That line of thinking only leads me to continue off the plan. It's that "all or nothing" attitude that many of us seem to have that I also have. The thought that, "Oh, well, if I'm going to eat this slice of bread, I may as well eat as much as I want of it. And then dessert, too."

No.

I must tell myself that one slice of bread is not the same as 3 slices. Because I eat one carbohydrate item, does not mean I have a license to eat whatever I want for the rest of the night/day/week/month. Now I must say like a mantra, "Tonight, I will enjoy one slice of bread at the Italian restaurant. I will eat it slowly and I will enjoy it. And when it is gone, it is off my menu until I've allowed it again in a few weeks." I have decided to make a small allowance once a month until I learn to control the urge to eat more of the bad stuff..

I must face the truth here. I am a master at restricting myself from those foods totally. Now it's just a matter of controlling that little voice that says to just go ahead and pig out all night on whatever I want, since I already had a little. Baby steps. Small portions. Enjoy life, enjoy food, stick with the plan, do NOT overindulge just because you indulged a little.

I know some people may think this is allll wrong for an Atkin's eater. But I know the reality of my life is that there will simply always be moments of loosening up. For three years now I fight and fight allowing myself things so much that I hate and hate and hate myself when I do have them. I want to be nice to myself. There is always a pizza, a cake, a loaf of bread on a table and I know that I will not go the rest of my life without ever having a slice. I just can't turn that one slice into the end-all-be-all of my WOE, or tell myself that I've ruined all my hard work so that I may as well eat off plan indefinitely because my mojo was broken. I will not do that to myself, I will not do things that cause me to hate myself anymore. I will love myself for succeeding at enjoying a slice of bread once or twice a month and leaving it at that. When I restrict myself from it entirely, I am avoiding the opportunity to strengthen my ability to control my eating.

Does this all sound like the lip service of a carbohydrate addict rationalizing herself? I think about this WOE morning noon and night. I eat, sleep, and breathe this WOE. I keep coming to the same answer "I'm afraid to eat that piece of bread because then I'll eat it all." I hear myself say that and I don't want that line of thinking in my life anymore. I simply don't want it. Am I really growing in this WOE? Is out and out, permanent, lifelong avoidance a plausible reality? Or would I really be growing as a person in this WOE if I began taking steps to learn how to speak to myself and decide beforehand on the proper allowances that I can have that will not affect my goals or progress made.

It's not that big of a challenge for me to eat the Atkins way. I'm really just hiding from the foods that tempt me. I want to face that temptation, rise above it, and be that person who can easily only have only one small buttered roll on occasion and leave it at that. I feel that this is my weakness, and this is my challenge now. I may be redundant with this point as of right now. I'm hoping you reading this understands where I'm coming from.

But anyway, that's my thought process as of right now. Living with my WOE, understanding my triggers, developing a plan to be strong. Not throwing in towels and making excuses to eat everything in sight and then give up entirely.

Do I just sound entirely nutty?

[Wonder Woman]

Re: Deep thoughts from Pigs

In the beginning, there are certain foods that are not allowed, but as a WOL, there are no foods that are not allowed. Dr. A. even ate a roll on live television to proove that you can "be on Atkins" and still eat bread.

If I chose to eat cake once/year, I wouldn't say I have cheated, I would say I chose to eat cake one time. It's not great for me so I don't eat it often but I CAN eat it, VERY occasionally.

I think of this WOL as so interspersed in my life that there is no "on it" or "off it" or "cheating" or "not cheating." It's just living every day and making choices.

So I follow your drift Pigs. NOT that I am ready to eat bread yet but one day, it'll be ok for me to eat it occassionally.

BTW Pigs, we are kind of going through the same things professionally. I quit my job on Friday and now I'm a full-time doula (a woman who helps women through childbirth). That's a huge change from an engineer.

[PigsInSpace]

Re: Deep thoughts from Pigs

Thanks for the response Jamie...yes, I noticed before that you and I were on a somewhat similar path with our career change. I don't regret a second of it so far, I bet you're going to have a lot of fun being a doula!

I guess for me, I seem to stick to Induction as long as possible, afraid to go on to OWL all the time because those foods scare me to even just dabble in. I wanted to make my focus away from ongoing avoidance of those foods into more of an acceptable way/plan to have them in my diet from time to time without bingeing on them...

I feel better after writing that, I think I just needed some clarity about what my focus is and share it with people who understand. Thanks for responding to it...

[LuckyD]

Re: Deep thoughts from Pigs

I understand about needing to allow yourself something. I also know it can be a very slippery slope for some if not most people here. So we must decide if it is really worth it or not. And we must be able to tell ourselves this is NOT how we normally eat. My weakness is wine. I love it. I love learning about it, pairing it with food, and most of all just plain drinking it with my friends. Since I live in 'wine country' my friends consist of vinyard owners, or people who also really love wine. I went 30 days with no alcohol of any kind and really did not have a problem with it at all. So then I decided to test myself with a glass of wine. I promised myself only one glass, but that quickly gave way to two. I went to the gym the next day, stayed on the program and lost weight that week. Now for me I know I have to pick and choose when I enjoy my wine. I cannot just uncork a bottle because its Tuesday night and I feel like it. So far I have stuck to one night a week and it has been very enjoyable. I am sure I could lose faster if I didn't drink it. But it is something that I love and I personally am willing to give up the speed of loss (just as long as I am still losing) to really enjoy a wonderful glass of wine.

[ValidRouge]

Re: Deep thoughts from Pigs

Pigs,

what I'm not understanding is that you allow and even plan to have food products such as bread and rationalize eating those types of foods knowing that they are not advocated on Atkins until maintenance stages, yet in your second post you say

I guess for me, I seem to stick to Induction as long as possible, afraid to go on to OWL all the time because those foods scare me to even just dabble in. I wanted to make my focus away from ongoing avoidance of those foods into more of an acceptable way/plan to have them in my diet from time to time without bingeing on them...

This is where the by the book Atkineers get a wee bit frustrated. Frankly, you spent a long time justifying foods that are so processed that they don't even resemble the grain they were originally and are just plain problem foods (i.e. refined white flour created in labs), yet are scared to even dabble in eating a healthy NATURAL food such as berries, milk, fruits, starchy vegetables.

I guess i just don't understand.

[julirama723]

Re: Deep thoughts from Pigs

I agree with Joy.

OWL is nothing to be afraid of! This is where we learn what's good for our bodies and what to stay away from. OWL is also a phase of practically NO deprivation. I am working my way through the rungs, taking my time, and enjoying each one. There is a reason that foods are re-introduced in a specific order--from lowest GI to highest GI--to prevent us from losing control or having bad reactions. To prevent us from that dreaded "slippery slope."

I am looking forward to eating a piece of whole grain bread, but I am not rushing to get there. I WILL NOT skip rungs to satisfy some hedonistic whim--that's the old me, wanting stuff and wanting it NOW. I've finally figured out that this will work. For me, this is a lifelong and slow process.

And like you said, won't that stuff be there for the rest of your life? So what's the rush?

Yes there is room for almost all foods on the Atkins plan, but all in due time.

My advice is to wait it out. Wait until you're in the appropriate spot to partake of certain foods (or their healthier counterparts.) Why does food have to be a reward or a way to celebrate? My advice is to follow the plan, and follow it as intended.

[PigsInSpace]

Re: Deep thoughts from Pigs

Valid Rouge-

I get your point. I guess it was wrong for me to say that I stick to "Induction", per se, at all times. The truth is I definitely eat an OWL diet. Berries and fruits and starchy veggies-- I do dabble in them and enjoy them, they are just not where my real temptation and issues with food lay.

What I was trying to say (albeit meandering ) was that when I feel tempted to have a slice of something gravely illegal, I cling onto total avoidance by using Induction as a lifesaving mechanism, rather than teaching myself to exercise control in dabbling. That occasional (by occasional, I mean, once a month, at one meal) slice of illegal food needs to not be so daunting to my self control when it comes to keeping low-carbing my lifeplan WOE.

We are all here as STACers because we didn't keep to the plan. We all, at some point, went off plan by eating the foods we crave that make us fat. That led to constant "cheating" that went on for weeks, for months, that added pounds. And that is what caused many of us to go off plan indefintely. I've been doing this for three years. In fact, it is not my second time around, it's more like my 10th time around. Because my mindframe was "well, you just ate one piece of that bread, may as well eat all you want, you've ruined everything now." Which is simply stinkin' thinkin. What if, instead, I only ate that one slice and taught myself to control the urge to eat more? I would not have ruined my ketosis or OWL plan and would have saved myself months of self-loathing. Each time I ever gave in and indulged in my illegal food craving, I went ahead and threw the whole plan out the window until I felt strong enough to start all over again. That was/is incredibly hard on me emotionally and spiritually, and in effect, it is perpetuating my unhealthy bond with food. It's better than before when I just ate carbs freely and didn't give a second thought to it, but it's an unhealhty bond nonetheless.

I want to control absolutely all aspects of my eating and I know for a fact of my life and WOE that I most certainly will eat pizza again. But for the last three years, I didn't just see one slice of pizza, I saw an entire pizza, falling off of the wagon for 3 to 6 months, and came down down incredibly hard on myself about it. When in reality, I could have just enjoyed once or two slices a month, maintained my OWL in the interim and been fine. Suffering through three months of poor diet and low self esteem vs. controlling your illegal food consumption by just allowing it on one occasion a month...which one is better? For me, it's the latter, all the way around.

The only real point I meant to make in my post is that I am finding that I have a new focus, a new challenge. The focus is not to continue avoiding the foods I love that are bad for me. I know how to do that. The focus is to now teach myself to control my consumption of those foods--for life. Yo-yo dieting is unhealthy and I don't want to spend my entire life getting bigger then smaller, feeling good about myself and then bad. I just want to find the balance and be good to myself.

I hope that helped to clarify, I know I'm very wordy and can weave around. Writing about it is how I find my clairty, and your feedback here was very helpful to me.

[ValidRouge]

Re: Deep thoughts from Pigs

That makes more sense, Pigs. Thanks for clarifying your points. I had a bunch of stuff typed out and somehow it all got erased...I hate it when that happens!

Anyway, I do agree that there are going to be times in life (and this is for the rest of my LIFE here) that we are going to have a slice of bread, or cake or whatever and we have to have learned to eat it and then get right back to our plan. That's what the premaintenance and maintenance phases are about.

My only worry, Pigs, and this comes from concern, is that you aren't in premaintenance yet. I'm a STAC member too, mostly from failed attempts at not following the plan as it was written by Dr. A. This time I'm trying to do it his way rather than mine. If we follow the plan, we get everything back that we want to have. Including bread and such. There's a method to the plan, adding foods back in a certain order according to the Glycemic Index so that we gradually increase the impact on our blood sugars instead of having dramatic impacts because we went from induction levels of carbs to a super high impact of a sugary dessert or carb laden meal.

[I_Luv_Pugs]

Re: Deep thoughts from Pigs

WOW, talk about timing. I had a conversation with a friend yesterday about my being on the WOE and that she couldn't do it because she refuses to give up rice. Mind you my friend is over 350 pounds and I worry about her greatly. My answer was that I don't feel like I'm giving up rice, bread, or potatoes just putting them off for a while while I reap the rewards.

BTW OWL scares me silly, too. That is where I went wrong last time. Day 14 on induction for me is next Tuesday and I'm thinking because of my CW and GW I should start OWL after day 14. Last time I did do OWL my way and am already re-reading DANDR so this time I do it his way.

Focus on the end result!!

[Outback Jess]

Re: Deep thoughts from Pigs

I like the higher road here: Maturing control. I hear you pigs on the "all or nothing" and I see where you want to get yourself to, "measured control" with allowances. Having never been this far along with out totally destroying myself, I know that there are 3 more phases I will need to really educate myself on... I am on a modified induction. The foods you entertain, are not at this level for me. But, as I re-read I realize, I do want to be and do what you want to be and do and that is BE IN CONTROL,NOT OUT OF CONTROL AROUND CERTAIN FOODS~~~
I think we will all come to the places where we know what we can and can't handle, be around and or tolerate. It will be different for each of us, and that's where we will have to exercise tolerance and focus on our own needs and not pass judgement on others. For now, we are still all going thru the stages and modifying and working with our foods, like Atkins teaches.
Good luck to you pigs as you work this all out...

[PigsInSpace]

Re: Deep thoughts from Pigs

Yes, I will admit straight out that I struggle, VERY MUCH with doing the plan entirely Dr. A's way. I am working on it....

[Wonder Woman]

Re: Deep thoughts from Pigs

Pigs - I definitely had the "all or nothing" attitude too and that's what took me away from this WOL for 3 years. I kept trying but one slip up and I would say, "Oh well, I've ruined it now!" I remember my mom trying to coach me on this and tell me that it is NOT all or nothing. Just because I have Christmas in December and *might* eat something I shouldn't, doesn't mean I should give up in September. I can commit to this plan EVERY single day.

But I also agree that many of us have messed up in OWL and I am much more diligent this time about working through the rungs. Honestly, I did fine last time all the way up to the berries and was happily eating that way for a long time and I think the legumes and grains brought back my cravings and things went downhill. I really want to make sure that doesn't happen this time by just going slowly and facing those foods that make me nervous. BUT...that will still be a long time from now - I have much to lose and am only on the dairy rung. Like a pp said, all in due time.

[PigsInSpace]

Re: Deep thoughts from Pigs

Yes, I will admit straight out that I struggle, VERY MUCH with doing the plan entirely Dr. A's way. I am working on it....