Where have I been and what I have learned

[Outback Jess]

Where have I been? Alot of my friends have asked. Truth be told I've been very very busy, but not so busy as to miss out here. I've been swamped with work, very true, but not to the point of the distance I've recently established here.

I came to the end of just making every single thing happen. I came to the end of eating all the right foods. I did this AFTER 18 months of strict living and going through so much emotionally caring for my Mom and then facing her death. I am a week away from a year of grief. I held it togehter probably 9 of those months. Then just could not.

I've inched back into good carbs and eventually back to bad carbs. I've been very careful to avoid sugars and I've also totally crossed the line. I've enjoyed alot of good foods that are not good for me personally.

***What I have learned is that these choices impacted my whole life, energy and state of being.***

*** What I've learned as I've attempted more than once to stop the fall, was that I CAN RETURN TO MY BASICS.***

I use to start the day with a routine, to ensure my committments to low carb. I got up early and came here with my morning beverage and wake up time. I then exercised and got on with the day.
I planned each meal and snack and every outing included knowing when I would eat and what I would eat before I left. Never leaving home without a snack and a plan.

In recent months leftting anyone of those choices go, even for a day, often caused my resolve to unravel. When I cling to my basics I stay clean in low carb world. When I let anyone of them go, I have fallen small or large distances. Waking up the next day was the very HARDEST THING TO OVERCOME....the disappointment in myself was lethal to early morning motivations....Not only did I have to overcome yesterday and rearrange emotions I had to then fire it all up for today. Such emotional work! (Many can relate I'm sure)

Recently I went too far and it made me sick, and the sick and quilt made me feel so much sicker and I ended up on the couch for a whole day, trapped in feeling awful. It was then and there that I came to the THE CROSSROADS and WAKE UP CALL. "Jessica what are you really doing here?" I was about to start to ruin everything....or I was about to start to again return and change my behavior.

Day 5 of changing my behavior, finding peace again and starting to settle back down. It's been a tough week, but today I am starting to feel a bit like my old self. It's not been fun or easy at all. But I am very encouraged by the fact that I can stop and deal with myself and make a better choice in light of the TRUTH....
THE TRUTH IS I'VE GOT SERIOUS PROBLEMS WITH FOOD. THE TRUTH IS, GIVEN ENOUGH EMOTION OR BOREDOM, I WILL REVERT TO WAYS THAT I ABSOLUTELY KNOW WILL DESTROY ALL I'VE GAINED. THE TRUTH IS I SEE THIS TODAY AND CAN ACT ON IT TODAY.

This is my truth, and I am fine with sharing it. I hope it's painful enough for you as it is for me, that it provokes you to deal with yourself as ONLY YOU CAN. The emotional pain and disappointment are my leverage to a better life, not my excuse FOR GOING DEEPER INTO ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS.

I've had success and I've lost the weight, and I am only up 1 size, but I had repositioned myself for terrible pain, suffering and loss of all I have gained here with this lifestyle. Truthfully I don't want to do that. Back to basics that work for me!

[dreamof145]

Re: Where have I been and what I have learned

Jess so happy to see adjusting mentally and physically again. HUGS to you. None of us are immune to these emotional upsets. You are loved here and your testimony of regaining control will be a great help to all who read it. I'm so glad you've shared this with us.

[OzLover]

Re: Where have I been and what I have learned

Thank you Jess for your post. It is a big help to me at this moment~~~I needed to hear this "back to basics".

I've been on a downward spiral this week & woke up today realizing I could either go back to the basics of Atkins or continue to eat bad choices here & there & end up back to a former WOE/WOL.

I chose going back to basics & feeling good with energy to spare. I chose eating healthy & going forward to my goals. It's not easy some days but certainly worth it. More importantly I AM WORTH IT!!

Hope you have a wonderful day Jess!

[Outback Jess]

Re: Where have I been and what I have learned

Back to basics....yessireeeee. I put on my jogging clothes, and got the ipod and took off. Retraced the very route I took all last spring, jogged, said my prayers and started to feel very good about me. I felt the very first glimmer of pride resurface, just for a second! You know that feeling that leads to self trust and confidence and feeling proud of your good choice.
I am still in that low energy place, so jogging took a monumental effort, but I am still somewhat in shape and was not completely frazzled by the experience....Maybe the winter of my life here is coming to a close and spring will cause me to again flourish!

[clogger]

Re: Where have I been and what I have learned

Jess, thanks for being real and for sharing your experience. I'm glad you're back on track.

[mitzimarie]

Re: Where have I been and what I have learned

The emotional pain and disappointment are my leverage to a better life, not my excuse FOR GOING DEEPER INTO ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS.

Powerful words, Jess. Thank you.

[partytrouble]

Re: Where have I been and what I have learned

woah.

wake up call for a lot of us. i see myself in EVERY ONE of those truths. thanks for articulating what a bunch of us are feeling and NEED TO HEAR.

i am with you and rededicating to sticking to the basics, the things that work, and most importantly, the discipline. the truth for me, is, too, that i have issues with eating that are NEVER going to go away, and have to be constantly monitored and handled with good choices and good decision making.

thanks for the wake up call!!

[HulaMom]

Re: Where have I been and what I have learned

Aloha Outback,
I'm going to write to you as someone who was recently on the other side and is now back on an extending induction plan. I hope these will be words of comfort and also a call of hope for you.

I know the pain of which you speak and I can see in your words that you expect yourself to be the strong one. You are the one that everyone relies on for wisdom, inspiration, and comfort. You are a natural leader. You see opportunities to step in to a situation where you can give help and assistance, and you make things happen. This is a strength of character. You are worthy, you have high standards, you expect far more of yourself than you would of anyone around you.

This takes a lot of energy, mental and spiritual. Sometimes you thrive on it, and sometimes it gets exhausting. When one hurtle is overcome, there is always another challenge there... the worlds problems are never solved!

The very first thing that you need to do to reach the peace you want is FORGIVE. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Forgive others for not living up to your expectations. Recognize the humanity of yourself and those around you. We are all flawed individuals. In spite of that, you have always done your best. Forgive yourself for becoming overwhelmed and exhausted. Forgive yourself for having moments of weakness. Others will forgive you far faster than you will forgive yourself.

Second, cut yourself a little slack. You need to build back one step at a time. When you were in the groove and everything was going your way your routine seemed very easy. It will take time to get back on track. Don't beat yourself up when the progress seems slow. If you are overwhelmed, pick one thing that you can do to have control. Get that one part down and then move to the next. Baby steps are OKAY.

Third, recognize that this WOE is very difficult to maintain because our society is so unsupportive. We are all here because we strongly believe that this WOE is optimal for our health and our bodies. The average person does not believe this. From all that I have read, I strongly believe that the scientific community has let down our people, obese to thin, by promoting a most unhealthy and unscientific diet and that it is criminal. But our view is so counter-culture. When you are weak, and when you are trying to balance a few good carbs in your maintenance, you are very vulnerable. The culture is blasting every day the 'low-fat, high-fiber' rhetoric that got us into trouble. They promote as 'healthy' the very foods that are the most dangerous. When you are in maintenance, it is so easy to think that the fruit is healthy and full of nutrients because everybody says so. But FRUIT CAN BE YOUR DOWNFALL. The sugar cravings come right back, and fruit can spike insulin just like a spoonful of sugar.
It takes extreme fortitude to withstand the pressures of normal food culture once you reach maintenance. Once the weight is off, once you have reached your goals, once you feel so great and healthy, your body can handle a little carbs.... AT FIRST. And society is right there offering, with the upmost of kindness and sincerity, all of those things that are dangerous. THEY DON'T MEAN to hurt you, they just don't know. Keeping up your guard for years and years gets tiring.
Recognize how difficult this is.

I'm glad that you have come back to your base of support. We are all struggling with these issues. This is why we are STACERS.
I'm still new here, but in some ways I feel like an old timer. For we have weathered something in common, each of us independently. And we can instantly recognize one another. Kind of like a friend from college that we haven't seen in decades. The conversations are familiar nonetheless.

Jess - I've gone on a bit long. I hope there are a few words here that give you comfort. We here all know how difficult the road is. The willpower that it takes. The fortitude required. We have to work harder to improve and maintain than the average person. It is not FAIR. Yet, our struggles and our challenges do make us stronger. We are better people because we know that life is not easy. We can be very proud of all of our achievements.

Aloha to you,
Peace to you,
Hula

[misplaced southerner]

Re: Where have I been and what I have learned

wise words hula girl. we are the hardest on ourselves. jess, you go girl. the prize goes to those who are able to pick up, RETHINK things and grow and move on.

[TheDogAteMyName]

Re: Where have I been and what I have learned

{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

[Outback Jess]

Re: Where have I been and what I have learned

thanks everybody for the support. Much appreciated!

[HeidiK]

Re: Where have I been and what I have learned

Wow - thank you for sharing. Your words have really touched me - and inspired me. Thank you.

[chinadoll]

Re: Where have I been and what I have learned

Jess, you said it all. I have been nursing a sick parent and travelling back and forth to US and when I am emotionally drained I find my resolve to do what I need for me dwindles too. Its strange how when we most need to be taking care of ourselves, we put our own needs last. But like you said, one small slip can start an avalanche. Each time it happens I wonder why I allowed myself to fall. I mean I feel so much better on this WOE. I feel better when I am exercising. So why do I allow myself to sabotage my own health and well being? Sometimes I think I am just tired of being vigilant. The plus side is that the basics are always there and sooner or later I find my way back again. I just wish i could learn not to wander off in the first place. LOL

[APanthesilia]

Re: Where have I been and what I have learned

Thank you so much, what a wonderful post. You have been a real encouragement to me since I've been here and this post is a great reminder and wake up call to some of us. Thank you for sharing your experience!