RE: Hecame home...

[Simone]

Thank you guys for your encouragement. I do feel like the biggest, fattest loser this morning....but not loser of weight. I just can't see to control my anything. This is all emotional I know, but it is affecting my whole being. I couldn't control where I lived so I wind up in Germany! I couldn't control what I do, so I am a stay at home mom of 2. And I couldnt' control my mouth so I weigh 260lbs or what ever the scale says this mornign....I can't look! That is just how I feel...completely out of control.

It is not my husband's fault that I binged, but Lord knows it was so much easier when he was not around. Even with the kids. I gave them some snacks that they enjoyed and I didn't want to eat them. But I don't allow them to eat anywhere but at the table. I don't watch them eat. I just allow them to. While my husband will bring chips to bed and eat things in front of me. Someone here said it was masochistic to think I can cook those things and not eat them. But honestly I think I should be able to conquer my environment. The difference between alcohol and food is you don't need alcohol to live and you dont' give it to a 2 year old. I feel like I should be able to control myself! I mean look at it this way. I love to shop. Even when I have no money I love to shop. But I don't buy things on credit and screw up our lives that way. I control that desire and wait until I can get what I want. Shouldn't the same discipline be possible with eating?

I do not want to be fat for the rest of my life. I am 37 for God sakes. I have had maybe 3 memorable years of looking at myself in the mirror and smiling back at what I saw. I want more that . Self loathing is debilitating in so many ways. Everytime I think I got a handle on it...BAM this little voice says..."who ya think you're foolin'" "you know that fat is what you are.." I scream and shout and kick and scratch and then I get to a place where I am healing.....I go to the gym everyday...I lose 70lbs!!! I have it undercontrol and BAM again....we move away from everything I know and love. And the climb to self starts all over again. I am just so sick of adversity. I want to win....I want to win at this...my life long nemesis. I dont' blame my mom for me being fat...though she and everyone in my family is. I don't blame my husband...though he has a way of subtley reminding me that I need to lose weight. I blame myself. I am just not doing what i need to do. And I do want to. I have dreamed of myself in a bronze two piece bikini with a sarong, sandals and large copacabana hat for years.

I am good at so many things. I am a wonderful mother, an excellent wife, and friend you will never want to lose and I have talents beyond measure. Why is it that I can't conquer Super FAT? I went to school again at 33 working fulltime 50 hour weeks with a 5 year old son. I got pregnant again at 35 and I still managed to finish my degree and graduate with honors in record time. I did that....surely that is easier than this?! I conquered poverty. I conquered rape. I conquered being abused by my first husband. I have done some phenomenal things in my life....yet I am left feeling totally incapable...illequipt...stupid...useless and...FAT. Why can't I not be?

I made an appointment to have braces put on so that my smile can be nicer. I plan to get contact lenses to change my eyecolor. I am going to get a killer hair cut to enhance my features. I buy a new pair of shoes at least once a month. I refuse to by clothes.....but all I am doing is making that statement I hear in my mind more and more true...She has such a pretty face.....she has so much going for her if she will just lose that weight.... It is as if nothing in the world matters, no matter what I accomplish if I fail at this...I am a failure. I don't want to be. I know it can be done. This WOE is a proven fact that it can be done. why cant IIIII do it? I want to so badly.

Well I am starting to cry now...and my kids are asking why, so I had better go. Thank you all for listening to me and encouraging me. This board is the best thing yet!

[Laurenfra]

Simone,
I could have written that post. Well maybe I dont write as well as you but I have the same feelings. I love to control everything in life but fail at eating. I have no great advice for us I just wanted you to know you are not alone.
Have you tried posing in the emotional eaters forum they might have some great advise for you. There is also the addictions forum, that is for people addicted to ANYTHING. I also think you may like to journal. There you can post your thoughts and people will come read them and encourage you. It is helpful for many to see their progress in print and even their mistakes.
PM me if you ever want to chat.
Lauren

[2big4mysize]

I would strongly suggest you sit down with hubby in a calm manner and Dr Phil him. Explain how it makes you want to binge when you see folk eating those snacks and you'd like him to be your Atkins support net and help you not do that so could he please not eat them around you.

[G-Mom]

Oh dear, I wish I could give you a big ol' hug, this will have to do... :hug :hug :hug

I really, really know how you feel. I live with my carb-lovin' hubby and two young sons with a penchant for snack foods. The other day, when I was hormonal no less, my 5-year-old wanted to eat Pringles (a trigger food for me) on my lap. Even in this controlled stage of my weight loss journey, I was really eyeing those babies.

You have to decide that you are worth all the work avoiding these foods. It will help being in ketosis, because when you aren't hungry and you have help with cravings, it is so much easier to avoid these foods.

You can do this, you really can! Other folks are in your boat, including myself. I still make spaghetti, meatloaf, tacos, enchiladas, desserts, you name it, for my family, but whenever I can, I will modify part of what I make so I can eat it too. With the spaghetti, I will fry more hamburger than the sauce needs, and make an entree for myself with it, for meatloaf, I make myself a small, low carb loaf, for tacos, I will make a taco salad, for enchiladas, do the same as I do with spaghetti. The desserts are tough, but I make sure I eat before making them, and not be hungry at all.

This is a mindset, one where you have to decide that you are going to do this even in the tough times (like when everyone is eating Doritos). We will be here for you!

[not2late]

Hi simone. You say you are not in control of certain things, but you are!

Sit down with your hubby and make him understand that you are serious about losing weight. Tell him too that you need his support during this time and eating things like chips in bed isn't supportive (put it nicer than that of course!) Get him involved with your WOE: have him read the book, have him get familiar with the Induction Rules and Foods List, have him babysit the kids during your exercise hour (or take the whole family out for an afternoon of exercise ---hiking, biking, walking, etc.) In other words, draft him into Simone's weight loss army!

Seriously, getting support from the people around you is very important. You need them. Tell your husband that.

You can do this! Just don't give yourself excuses to fail.

:hug

[only4d]

{{{{{{{{Simone}}}}}}}}}}}

Your post sounded a little like me, in terms of discouragement. I really sympathize with you, and want you to know I'll pray for you.

I haven't read the whole thread (I'm supposed to be working on a paper, and can't seem to focus on it and stay off-line! lol), but here's a couple or 3 thoughts:

1) consider explaining to DH that his eating chips or whatever in bed is undermining your effort. I see from your tagline that you're a Christian, so I'm assuming DH is (forgive me if I'm wrong) -- if so, by doing that eating in front of you, he is kind of leading you into temptation, which is really kind of not right (I'm trying to be gentle, not equivocal, so sorry if I sound wishy-washy).

2) if obesity runs in your family, teaching your kids to eat as you are (low/controlled carb -- depending on their health, what about "lifetime maintenance" for them, which pretty much enjoys all of God's bounty? minus the sugar and white flour, of course!) ---- if the obesity has a genetic basis, this will only help them; plus teach them some good habits for when they're on their own.

3) I want to recommend two books to you, both by Dr. James B. Richards: "The Gospel of Peace" and "Grace: The Power to Change." Here's a link to amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0883687305/103-1791104-0102241?%5Fencoding=UTF8&n=507846&s=books&v=glance

If you're like me, you've tried absolutely your level best! I have tried for many years, and still fail way more than I like. (Just the other day, I posted here about how discouraged I am.) The truth for me, maybe for you, is that I can't do it alone, but need His help. I've only read 1/2 of the Gospel of Peace so far, but a close friend has summarized GTPTC for me, and these books are all about how to truly rely on God's promises for us.

Please PM me if you want to talk, or compare successes/woes, or anything at all!

PS: the outfit I envision for myself is a yellow sun-dress. Oh, and my DF with his arms ALL THE WAY around me! :joy

Seriously, send me a PM if you would like to talk about anything.

[Nicholet]

I'm with you too

Simone,

As others have stated, your words could have been written with my own hands. Almost every sentence of your frustration touched me so deeply because I have felt the same as you. I'm a military wife and it's so hard to concentrate soley on myself. We're trained to put our "family" first through good times and bad. I'm "re-learning" how to focus my attention upon myself, my eating habits and my body. This is a huge challenge for me. I've quit smoking 3 years ago cold turkey, I've finished my bachelors and masters degree and I've managed to get a great career. However, I cannot control my food intake or the ability to control my body. As others have told you, you're not in this alone. We're a team, here fighting the same cause..to regain control of ourselves and our habits. Change sucks, this we know! I'm a trainer by day and it's hard knowing that I aid others through the process at work, but yet I cannot even control change in my own self. Please know that we are with you..... :nod