Feels like breaking.

[melliandra]

Hey all, this is my first post.
I've been reading here for months and months.
I love to write so why I have not posted is a mystery.
Anyways, I'm in trouble. Big trouble.
This is my 4th try at induction in 4 months. Something happens to me on day 5 or so (I have journalled every time, including emotions and physical reports) On Day 5, blammo. I fall appart. I feel so emotionally drained, sad, wasted, so many words to describe. Exhaustion, like I am an old woman. The day starts good, but by 5pm I am physically exhausted and barely able to focus on work.
Today is day 5, try #4. I lose weight nicely, and my first 3 days saw 3 lbs. gone, much of it water I assume.
So tonight, more out of exhaustion and needing to feel a trace of comfort, I ate a handful of microwave buttered popcorn and 2 slices of Pizza Hut stuffed crust that was leftover from the kids a few days ago.

Instantly I felt physically ill, and did somtething I have never done before. I went to the bathroom and threw up what I could. That was disgusting, painful and humiliating. I didn't wallow in self-pity at that time, but felt emotions rising up in me fast. The rest of the night I was short with my great kids, and feel, really, like I am falling apart. Not out of guilt, as I am sure I can forgive myself, cheating is not the end of things. But this day 5 thing scares me. I want to curl up and cry for a year straight. I don't know what happens inside me. I am a 37 year-old single mom of 2, I work a job where I am the boss and everyone there counts on me. I don't have a ready steady means of support and encouragement in my life, to drop the 60 pounds I must drop. Kids were needy tonight. And I blew it. I probably would have even if I had not ate pizza and popcorn. I wasn't at my best before my binge.

I don't want to say I am destined to not succeed at this, but right this very moment, I feel genuine fear. I am afraid I cannot get past this 5th day thing. I have no idea if this is even real or imagined. I count my carbs meticulously, omit salt that comes from the shaker, drink about 80 ounces of water per day. I'm not always a good sleeper, but I can hold my own in the snooze department.

Please, anyone, if you know what this is, please offer your words or advice. I gained my weight this summer due to self-destruction and a terrible relationship with food. I am a 37 year-old woman, weighing 188 pounds, five foot 5. My dream is 127. I've never been that weight my adult life.

I don't want to break apart, I want to go forward. I'm tired and scared of looking back any more.

[MrsBrittney]

Re: Feels like breaking.

They say it takes 21 days to make something a habit. I'm on try # 3 with Induction. I once weighed 165 lbs (and do again, doh!) and did Atkins so religiously, I melted away to 114 lbs and stayed there for about 4 years.

This time around, it definately seems harder but I think starting anything again can often be much more difficult. But that's where these fabulous people and this fabulous support group comes in!

Maybe we can even support each other? I'm starting again tomorrow. I'm determined. I found myself very similar to you - I had the greatest intentions until Day 3 or 4, when I'd rationalize everything out the window and decide that life simply wasn't OK until I had some Taco Bell and I'd start again tomorrow.

So I think everyone here has definately had your moments. We're human, we have weaknesses. I think one good thing is to switch the mindset. Don't curse your name for screwing up, but praise yourself when you DO stick to it. When you DO say "no thank you" to a forbidden favorite.

Also remember that when your body switches from burning carbs to burning fat for fuel, you can go through a lot of changes. Physically you may feel completely drained, which adds to grumpiness. You may be hitting your detox point for foods you weren't even aware you were addicted to, which also adds to fatigue and mood swings. Then toss in the guilt your feel for FEELING this way, and it can be a lethal combo.

So keep your chin up, remember you CAN do this and your body is going to switch and feel better. My rule is the "Maybe tomorrow".. tell myself maybe tomorrow I'll have something I shouldn't.. and just say it again the next day.. and suddenly I've made it through the breaking point and didn't cheat. LOL.

Just find what works for you and in the meantime, HERE WE ARE FOR SUPPORT!

[Porcelain]

Re: Feels like breaking.

That first week is absolutely horrible for some. When your body is trying to break from sugar and carb burning for fuel over to using your fat for fuel it can be very hard on some people. It was for me. I felt fatigued and weak, even fuzzy headed like I couldn't think well. I had headaches and nausea due to not only all the ketones and stuff but also from my caffeine withdrawals. I can only tell you it will get better. If you can get through induction, you will feel much better. They say the harder people have on induction, they believe the stronger the sugar addiction that person had.

Just hang in there, we are all here for you.

Oh, and once I ate a whole box of these things like Ding Dongs and they made me so ill and gave me such horrid stomach pains, I decided to throw them up. Well since I didn't have much liquid in my stomach, I almost choked. Yeah...never told anyone that before but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I never did it again, I hope you don't either.

[itsme12i]

Re: Feels like breaking.

hi Melli...it sounds almost like some kind of a withdrawal reaction.....I know it's really hard, but when you hit the 5th, be prepared...have ice water, other icy beverages, try to rest and nap through as much as you can....do everything to feel better except fall off the wagon....I know it's hard with kids...but do what you can to rest...get them to help you...and come here for support....

your binging is an emotional response...and your mind and body are reacting to not having that outlet....just get through the worst part and it will get easier from there...remember that if you feel bad, it's only temporary.

good luck, and don't despair...you CAN do it!

[melliandra]

Re: Feels like breaking.

Okay, so I'm sitting here bawling my face off. Quitely though, 'cause the kids are in bed (lol).
I didn't know it could be like this. I thought it was something in me just wanting to fail. I'm scared, because that day 5 is scary. I wish it wasn't so, but wishing won't get me past induction. Nor will it get me my 127 pounds.
I didn't know it could be like this, either.
Some real people who really seem to care and replied so quickly, gah, being so emotional right now I want to be able to respond in an equally supportive way.
I didn't know it would be like this.

MrsBrittney? I'd love to have a support friend. I see the similarities. And we nearly have the same amount of pounds to lose. My lowest ever was a little over 150#. And i looked so sweet in my size 8's. Now I feel bloated and unappealing in my size 14's.
Thank you for reaching all the way over here and giving me a breath of life on a very, very tough night.

[Porcelain]

Re: Feels like breaking.

I am the biggest crybaby ever! And, I don't know how old your kids are but I tell my daughter when I am having a hard time and she is very understanding. I don't think they should know everything but sometimes they can actually be more supportive and understanding than you realize. I know my daughter is. Weight is a very emotional issue for us, I know mine is for me. And when you try to change something that your body has been so used to for so long, it isn't going to be easy. Don't worry, you will get past this.

[Designbabe]

Re: Feels like breaking.

You seem to be an awesome woman. Running the whole show at home and at work, taking care of 2 kids on your own. You give so much of yourself without asking much in return...but you're still human, and you reacted when your one and only source of solace is taken away from you. After all, they don't call carbs "comfort food" for nothing.

Get through this and you'll be much stronger for it (not like you need to prove anything, you're already an amazing superwoman!).

As for your emotional breaks, I believe what you're going through is withdrawal symptons, like someone else already mentioned. More than that, I believe what you're going through is candida-related. Most of us have candida and don't even know it. Please read any book by William G. Crook on this topic. (I have Chronic Fatigue Syndome and the Yeast Connection. Wish I could lend it to you). His books are easy to read and explain so much.

I'm on Day 7 and went through something similar on Day 5 & 6. I took a day off and slept through most of it (I know you don't have the luxury of doing this). Anyway, today, I noticed a lot of my candida symptoms are diminishing quite a bit (for instance, flaky scalp). I feel better and I've started taking an Acidophilus pill (from the health food store) every morning on an empty stomach.

All the best and hang in there! It gets better.

[Elizellen]

Re: Feels like breaking.

The other members have given you some great supportive advice already, so I just wanted to send you a few hugs


Also a suggestion - maybe now you know that day 4/5 is likely to be a bad day for you, can you make sure you have some 'legal' food snacks/comfort food handy so you can scarf those down instead?

There are recipes around for substitute dishes like lowcarb pizzas and popcorn-style snacks which you could get ready beforehand and have as an emergency kit for that 5th day.

Being forewarned is forearmed!!

[ipedregon]

Re: Feels like breaking.

Hang in there you can do it !!!

Envision yourself attaining your goal, at times when you are at peace and not hungry take time to think of what you are trying to accomplish and visualize how you are going to get there, and know there will continue to be struggles even after induction.

On my 8th day of induction my wife and kids opened a box of chocolate truffles and went crazy right in front of me tempting me and joking about. It was torture because I love sweets.

Every day at work my co-workers look at me and shake their head as I eat something low carb, throw away bread slices and toss croutons off my salad at the restaurants.

The thing is 5 weeks later and 25 lbs down all that is changing and I feel GREAT!!!

I am getting so much energy and feelings of depression are going away fast!

You can do it !! If you can last 1 day you can last 2, and then 3 and then 4. Take it one day at a time.

There are days still I wake up and have to put a focus on it's the only way I can do it. If I don't think about how I am going to get there, and plan on it then I will find myself in front of Mc Donalds starving convincing myself that 1 time won't hurt.

Also if you falter on day 5 or 15 or 60 just regroup and continue don't completely stop. You can recover from an occasional mishap but it's not worth scrapping it all together when you are getting closer and closer to breaking free.

Take care !