When your Spouse Doesn't Join your efforts

[cmcole]

April 28, 2006

For richer, for poorer, in weight gain or weight loss

By JOANNE RICHARD, TORONTO SUN


Losing weight may be good for your health, but bad for your marriage.

Michael, 40, embarked on a major weight loss regime and lost 104 pounds -- but nearly lost his marriage too.

"It was causing too many problems in the marriage and I valued my relationship over my health so I quit losing weight," says the technology salesman from Richmond Hill, who packed every pound back on -- and more.

His wife, who is also obese, made it abundantly clear she did not support his new lifestyle and healthful eating habits; she sabotaged his efforts by refusing to cook up healthier meals and keeping junk food in the house. Their day-to-day interactions became incredibly strained and sex dwindled to once every few months.

"We continued to grow further apart -- I guess I could have gone elsewhere for sex and companionship, but I'm a committed and faithful guy," says Michael, adding that once he quit losing he didn't gain much at home. Things got a "bit happier" on the homefront, but today the excess pounds continue to weigh him down emotionally and in career advancement.

Weight loss changes the dynamics of a relationship, say the experts. "Losing weight generates happiness and improves relationships -- in the majority of cases. Sadly, not so, in others. Changes can generate anxiety, anger, insecurities. Spouses can feel threatened and react negatively -- the relationship can destabilize," says Dr. Eileen Alexander, a Burlington medical doctor.

Competition and jealousy may take root, says New York psychologist Dr. Debbie Magids, especially when it comes to the increased outside attention the other spouse experiences based on the weight loss. "There is a safety when your spouse is not as attractive to other people. It can feel very threatening and insecurities may begin to surface."

Spouses may actually resort to sabotaging their spouse's weight loss efforts, says Toronto weight loss coach Harvey Brooker, who has personally endured the wrath of irate spouses calling him up and reaming him out for being a "homewrecker. Some of them detest me.

"The threat of a slim, trim mate to one who is still indulging and bulging, is in my observations not a minor problem," says Brooker, adding that rifts can also arise when the dieting spouse is no longer their obese partner's eating buddy.

But even a thin partner can experience issues with a slimming spouse: "When he loses weight and becomes more confident and frisky, this can also cause a rift because she's accustomed to a non-existent sex life and all of a sudden things change," he says.

Also, adds Magids: "If one of the spouses is used to being the one who gets the attention -- or has thinness as their thing -- when the other starts to get the attention, it can also cause a lot of jealousy and competition."

Co-operation is essential -- the entire household has to get on side in order for an individual to be successful. "The other person must change to the new good behaviours or there will be a price to pay in regards to their relationship," says Brooker, of The Harvey Brooker Weight Loss for Men clinic on Dufferin St.

According to Marilyn Belleghem, "I have had clients who promise the kids pizza and pop when they know their spouse is trying to eat healthier. I have also had men as clients buy their dieting wife chocolates and then act hurt that she isn't appreciative."

Belleghem, a registered marriage and family therapist, says that couples are happiest when they have the most in common. "When one spouse changes, the balance changes and the whole relationship changes. If one gets a much higher paying job or completes a new level of education, the couple needs to work to rebalance the relationship. How well they adapt to change will determine if this is an easy process or a relationship breaker."


//

[ttdriver]

Re: When your Spouse Doesn't Join your efforts

Supporting your spouse's efforts to lose weight isn't unlike any other area .. if you love someone you want what they want .. you encourage them .. why on earth would you not want the best for them if you claim to love them?

I don't get that.

Betty

[fawn]

Re: When your Spouse Doesn't Join your efforts

Supporting your spouse's efforts to lose weight isn't unlike any other area .. if you love someone you want what they want .. you encourage them .. why on earth would you not want the best for them if you claim to love them?

I don't get that.

Betty

I don't get this either Betty. People are strange and selfish

[soliwit]

Re: When your Spouse Doesn't Join your efforts

I really don't get that either, especially because they try to be HEALTHY !!!
Don't we all want our spouse to be healthy ?
I have the luck that me and my DH never eat the same anyway, I managed to make him eat waaaaay healthier than he did before, but there is so many veggies that I love eating and that he will never go near, so I cook 2 seperate meals every day and since I have been doing that since we got together it doesn't effect our relationship.
For the rest he is so happy that I look so great and feel so much better........I am so blessed with him, he supports me all the way !
I am so very sorry for those people that have to fight their spouses in this !

[Analog6]

Re: When your Spouse Doesn't Join your efforts

I can only say she must be a very jealous ***** of a woman!

[sallyseachange]

Re: When your Spouse Doesn't Join your efforts

Yes... if you love someone, you should support them... want to support them...especially in becoming more healthy; but this doesn't always happen as I know from personal experience.

It's a bummer, but true.

[pladd04]

Re: When your Spouse Doesn't Join your efforts

I'm kind of split on this one...
My hubby and I are both big and he wants me to lose the weight but is not willing to lose with me and is always bringing into the house junk food that he knows I love.... so far I have done ok to cook for them then cook for myself and staying away from their junk food BUT it is very hard.

Example; Just last night he went and got tons of stuff to make banana splits then told me I could have reddi wip GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

BTW; Reddi Wip has 1 net carb per serving and 1g of sugar
So because I saw the sugar I have stayed away

[Jacksuncle]

Re: When your Spouse Doesn't Join your efforts

Why does that bug me so much? I am sorry you have to deal with the added stress of that. Hopefully you will turn it into total drive and resolution and it will just fuel your passion for this WOL.

[big_bad_john]

Re: When your Spouse Doesn't Join your efforts

Ahem. Expert in the room.

When my wife tried to sabotage my efforts I believe it was down to the facts that:

a) She had become used to the "lifestyle" of hubris and lazyness that we had both built up. Sometimes its easier to stay the same than change.

b) There was an inate fear in my wife that she would stay fat and I would become thin. This in turn she thought would lead to me eventually leaving her alone. Fear of being alone is a terrible thing.

c) Its very hard to get away with disfunctional eating when you dont see your partner banging down the food anymore....When someone stuffs their face whilst their partner nibbles away on portions more normal sized the illusion tends to fall away. We get left with the facts, namely that we have been cramming the food down endlessly. The old excuses of a slow metabolism, being too tired to cook or eat properly etc. melt away like snow in the sun.

d) I was a less "threatening" and far more "docile" figure therefore more easy to control when I was eating disfunctionally. Now I put myself first and foremost because I have realised its better to give a little time to yourself rather than dedicate yourself to your significant other in an unhealty way that leads to both eating disfunctionally.

My wife has been on Atkins for a few weeks now and is still driving me nuts sometimes, but at least she's partially onboard.

I have learnt however that I must remain seperate from her eating habits to ensure my own continued success on my eating plan. This may sound harsh, but if her diet should fail its even more important that mine will not. One "fatty" in a couple I believe leaves the door open for change. Two "fatties"? Well thats what we've both been for over a decade. It leads to stagnation and hubris.

I feel though that it was only when she saw that I was prepared to put my diet and health before our partnership that she finaly gave in and realised I was going to change even if she didn't.

The moral of my story is: If you truly cherish your partnership with your significant other then change yourself for the sake of yourself AND your partner. It really doesnt do anyone any good being clinically obese.

[qbu]

Re: When your Spouse Doesn't Join your efforts

My DH does not follow this WOE completely. He has cut down considerably on the carbs since I've started Atkins. He is my biggest supporter in my journey. He usually gets home first so, he starts dinner. He's adjusted to cooking in an Atkins friendly style. He will still make the potatoes, noodles, or rice for him and my DS, however, I'll have a veggie for my side. I'll still bake cakes, pies, cookies for him, however, I have NO desire to eat them...much to my surprise. We can have any kind of food in the house and if it's not part of this WOE, I do not touch it. Haven't "cheated" on this WOE in over a year and don't plan on it.

I guess it's hard for me to understand a spouse who isn't supportive because my DH is so supportive. He's even picked out new clothes for me when we go shopping. Imagine, a husband telling his wife to spend money on clothes and shoes! I'm very lucky to have him!

[dreamof145]

Re: When your Spouse Doesn't Join your efforts

I can sort of relate to Michael. When I first began my family didn't purposely sabbotage me, but they weren't supportive either. They assumed that this was yet another attempt by me to go on another diet and then give up. I already had the reputation. Instead, I was dedicated this time with a plan of action. I had the usual negative comments about the safety of Atkins, the statistics of people who tried to lose weight, failed and ended up gaining more than they'd lost. Everytime I was in a less than happy mood, it was blamed on my diet. If I got a cold, it was because of my diet. My family made it very clear that they weren't on a diet and would eat what they pleased. After I'd lost about 50 pounds, I think they started changing their attitude and I saw more support from them.

The story of Michael only re-inforces the theory....DO IT FOR YOURSELF. ONLY YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN. DON"T LISTEN to NEGATIVITY. Possitive thinking is the only thing that will get positive results.

[faith*hope*love]

Re: When your Spouse Doesn't Join your efforts

Been though this with both my first marriage and now again in my second marriage. sence we married I have gained about 30 pounds. with my first it was a total of 100 pounds ( I lost the weight by fasting and atkins after my divorce). and new hubby says he wants to be supportive in my weightloss efforts but he will often bring home junk foods he knows I have a hard time resisting, and at christmas time I lost 20pounds by fasting, and I was starting to look real good, and one day he comes up to me and asks if I am loosing the weight so I can "find another man!" I was like "NO" I am loosing the weight so I can feel better, and hopefully look better to be more attractive for our marriage ,bedroom life ,my husband has not been attracted to me for over a year now, does not want to touch me or nothing, and I just know it is because of my weight. anyway .. all I can do is lose the weight for me, and keep reasurring him that I will never leave him no matter what my weight is, or how much more attractive I get,I hope that in the long run it will make our marriage stronger, I know if I keep letting myself go and gain more weight that he will be even less attracted to me, and then our marriage will be dead, thats not what I want.

[Elizabeth]

Re: When your Spouse Doesn't Join your efforts

I really don't get that either, especially because they try to be HEALTHY !!!
Don't we all want our spouse to be healthy ?
I have the luck that me and my DH never eat the same anyway, I managed to make him eat waaaaay healthier than he did before, but there is so many veggies that I love eating and that he will never go near, so I cook 2 seperate meals every day and since I have been doing that since we got together it doesn't effect our relationship.
For the rest he is so happy that I look so great and feel so much better........I am so blessed with him, he supports me all the way !
I am so very sorry for those people that have to fight their spouses in this !

I personally would not stay with anyone who does not support me being healthy. My health is more important to me.

We do the two separate meal in our house to. My BF is a healthy weight so he doesn't need to diet. But he is great support.

When I first was on Atkins last year he did it with me and he lost way to much weight, so since then he does what he needs and I do what I need. We have set up a system, he has his sweet but he keeps them away from me and when he is not around he puts them away. If they are not in sight I am not as easily tempted. It seems to be working too.