Maybe I'm just not ready...

[goin2befit]

I've successfully lost 91 pounds and no that didn't just magically disappear... but it was such a struggle that even at this moment I don't enjoy! I still have more than 100 to lose, but still I'm almost half way there.

Although, I can not say I regret loosing that amount I can honestly say I don't feel proud!

I believe it is time for me to take a serious pause in my life and deal with my problems. It is not the weight that is bothering my life and effecting me as I feel it is, but the problems that must be causing the weight.

For over a year now I have been fighting a losing battle within myself. I feel I can not continue to do this. I can not feel like there is a thousand people living in me telling me eat this, don't eat that, you want that, no you need this... I am constantly nervous, anxious, and overall STRESSED to the MAXIMUM LIMITS with FOOD!!!!

It isn't getting easier. I have done my 2 weeks clean introduction and I'm still fighting a brick wall. I have so much will power and determination, but that is not helping with the binges.

I know I can do anything for when I need to. I can fast the whole month of Ramadan and enjoy fasting other days throughout the year, so I know I don't have to have food all the time. I know I can make choices, but I also know this problem is consuming my everyday life.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for by writing this, possibly just to release my tension, a pat on a shoulder that it will be okay, or to have some encouragement from someone who is where I am today... afterall, I know this board is full of everyday people and we are all hear and if nothing else, you all let me share.

THANKS,
Amanda

[ChichaR]

Re: Maybe I'm just not ready...

I've successfully lost 91 pounds and no that didn't just magically disappear... but it was such a struggle that even at this moment I don't enjoy! I still have more than 100 to lose, but still I'm almost half way there.

I'm sorry it was a struggle, but I wanted to congratulate you on all that weight loss! That's fantastic.

For over a year now I have been fighting a losing battle within myself. I feel I can not continue to do this. I can not feel like there is a thousand people living in me telling me eat this, don't eat that, you want that, no you need this... I am constantly nervous, anxious, and overall STRESSED to the MAXIMUM LIMITS with FOOD!!!!

It isn't getting easier. I have done my 2 weeks clean introduction and I'm still fighting a brick wall. I have so much will power and determination, but that is not helping with the binges.

I know exactly what you mean. I was on that same cycle for the last three years. What changed for me recently was reading Gary Taubes "Good Calories, Bad Calories." Knowing the science, and what carbs does to the body, really made me see things in black and white. Maybe you need something to help you see things in a new light?

[Reta]

Re: Maybe I'm just not ready...

I understand the frustration . It has been a real struggle for me all my life. I have been on Atkins for 18 months and only lost 50 pounds but I have found I have been able to keep it off so there is hope for me. I have a very sluggish system as well.But to lose almost a 100 pounds is something to celebrate. And that encourages me to not give up. I have 75 more pounds to go and seems like I will start collecting social security before I get it off. Keep up the good work .

[JulieB]

Re: Maybe I'm just not ready...

I think dealing with some long-standing non-diet issues before I started really helped me. Many of us are emotional eaters - we need to find new ways to deal with those emotions rather than simply denying ourselves our only coping mechanism (binging etc).

I hope that you find what you are looking for. Best wishes,

[lolitaleekun]

Re: Maybe I'm just not ready...

91 lbs!? You lost an entire person!!

Keep up the good work Amanda, please know that you will be thin. You will control your binges. You will be able to do this.

[goin2befit]

Re: Maybe I'm just not ready...

Thanks everyone for the encouragement....

I think dealing with some long-standing non-diet issues before I started really helped me.

Julie~ If you don't mind me asking... how did you deal with them? Did you read a certain book, took a certain type of therapy, or just on your own... I hope you don't mind me asking you to share.

Thanks,
Amanda

[Summerdressgirl]

Re: Maybe I'm just not ready...

Girl you are ready!!! some people can't lose 5 lbs you lost 91 lbs!! that is HUGE! you are half way there don't give up now, maybe go to Linda's recipe and switch what you have been eating, treat yourself to something everytime you meet a goal, just don't throw away all your hard work because if you do then you may just go and go and go and find yourself completely lost. Take it one day at a time, don't keep junk at home staring at you all day. I know what you mean I go places and see my favorites and I want one oh sooo bad, but I also don't want to feel like I did before. Hang tough! don't give up we are here for ya!

[jigglypuff]

Re: Maybe I'm just not ready...

You have already lost 91 pounds! You are definatly ready! Weight loss is a struggle you will have your up times and down times and you will even have cravings from time to time.. that doesnt mean you arent ready! You are already an inspiration to me for being able to lose 91 pounds! Most ppl that are overweight myself included have a difficult relationship w/ food and with ourselves for whatever reason food becomes like a drug to hide pain numb emotion or just out of sheer boredom.
Weight loss isnt just changing you eating and excercise habits. It is changing your mindet and dealing with whatever issues you may have emotionally, spiritually ect.
My church used to have a group that would meet for this exact purpose.. and of course there is the support system from this board as well as other support systems out there. Ideas for support would be :Friends, Family, Atkins buddy,church,clubs,counselors...ect ect
Whichever one would work best for you. You can do it!
Btw I am in the process of trying to find what will work best for me as a support system b/c I have had off days too and feel like this! you arent alone..

[Ohbehave007]

Re: Maybe I'm just not ready...

I'm sorry you are having problems.

It is really important to remember to take care of you. I spent a good year figuring out why I had let myself become as big as I was. January 20th 2008 I weighed in at 208, this was my highest recorded weight. For someone as small as me this was a great strain on my body.

I took some time to connect with myself. I blamed the weight gain on the pill at first, but it was just one factor. It was too strong for me and made me very emotional. I then figured out what my problems were and then made a plan to fix them. My main problem was stress. I never realized I was stressed until I actually thought about it. I had so much going on that I didn’t know what to do, so I ate and ate. I even ate because I was happy, sad, or mad… I was an emotional eater and I still am…just in recovery .

I still have to stop myself and ask How is Kimberly today? Are you really hungry? But something has worked for me to be 50lbs lighter then I was that January 20th. My boyfriend even asks me how I am doing just in case I forget to ask myself and I talk to him about how I am feeling.

Lately I have been very stressed with my cat being very sick and needing surgery, my brother moving in and then getting himself fired, my boyfriend being diagnosed with ADD and Depression, my boyfriend having problems at work, having to feed so many people on a limited income, being diagnosed with chronic obstructions and having to learn to live with it. The list goes on. I found myself gaining weight even though I never strayed from the path.

A month ago I just exploded and let it all out. I felt so much better and after talking to my boyfriend and mother we got to the route of the main issue, my brother. We talked to him and sat up some rules (it is our house). He hasn’t followed them completely but he is doing much better. I also made my bedroom into my quiet place, DO NOT DISTURB if you don’t mind. It worked; I stopped gaining and maintained, then did a pretty clean induction and got back on track.

I think my biggest achievement has been, while I was in the middle of all that stress, my boyfriend asked me if so and so food was really going to make me feel better and I said no. I bought some water and went for a long walk instead.

Find someone you trust that you can talk to. It’s not bad to need help and once you get the help you need to get passed whatever has you stuck you will feel so much better. You already know that your body can let go of the weight now it is time to focus on your mentality. Mental clarity will come.

Good luck and please don’t give up. You have been a big role model for so many people, including me. 91lbs is unbelievable.

[chibelly]

Re: Maybe I'm just not ready...

I've successfully lost 91 pounds and no that didn't just magically disappear... but it was such a struggle that even at this moment I don't enjoy! I still have more than 100 to lose, but still I'm almost half way there.

It is a struggle. When i was 200 i wanted to lose weight but it was hard so i didnt. Then at 210 then 220 then 230............until i hit 300 and then 310.

Now i think about how much easier my life would have been if i had just buckled down when i only had a few pounds to lose. You are half way there. And its a BIG halfway. 91 pounds! That means you know how to get there so keep truckin!

Although, I can not say I regret loosing that amount I can honestly say I don't feel proud!

You should feel proud. Its an amazing accomplishment.

I believe it is time for me to take a serious pause in my life and deal with my problems. It is not the weight that is bothering my life and effecting me as I feel it is, but the problems that must be causing the weight.

You can do both. Lets imagine that you wake up a year from now and your problems are still there but the weight is gone. Dont you think that it will then be easier to find happiness?

I know you think that other problems in your life are causing the weight but its my opinion that the 2 go hand in hand. If you woke up tomorrow in great shape you would be less likely to accept things that you do now. You would be less likely to allow others or yourself to put you in those situations.

For over a year now I have been fighting a losing battle within myself. I feel I can not continue to do this. I can not feel like there is a thousand people living in me telling me eat this, don't eat that, you want that, no you need this... I am constantly nervous, anxious, and overall STRESSED to the MAXIMUM LIMITS with FOOD!!!!

I am here to tell you that you are perfectly NORMAL! I went thru it with smoking and now with food. With smoking i would carry on a conversatio with myself 24/7 about not smoking anymore. I would be in the drive thru at a fast food place making plans to start a diet.

Your body wants this addictive garbage. Your mind is manipulating you. Think about drug addicts. Do you think they want to live the way they do? They are fighting a similar battle as us and its a tough battle because we are fighting ourselves. We know the other guys next move It seems like we cant win.. but you already won.. your down 91 pounds! No finish him off. Be smeagle and kill gollum!

It isn't getting easier. I have done my 2 weeks clean introduction and I'm still fighting a brick wall. I have so much will power and determination, but that is not helping with the binges.

You are in the middle of the war. Your warn out. You feel like you cant take it. But you have to. You cant go back now. There are people around you that need you. There are people you will meet in the future that need you there to enrich their lives.

I know I can do anything for when I need to. I can fast the whole month of Ramadan and enjoy fasting other days throughout the year, so I know I don't have to have food all the time. I know I can make choices, but I also know this problem is consuming my everyday life.

Thats because it is your every day life. You cant escape it. I dont think you will ever be able to just eat whatever you want. Its obvious (to me anyway) that some of us are just wired differently. We dont get to consume junk food and stay slim. But thats OK because we wont die 10 years early from having spent our lives eating junk.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for by writing this, possibly just to release my tension, a pat on a shoulder that it will be okay, or to have some encouragement from someone who is where I am today... afterall, I know this board is full of everyday people and we are all hear and if nothing else, you all let me share.

THANKS,
Amanda

I know how you feel. I post here sometimes just to know someone is paying attention to me. I feel more comfortable posting here than i do discussing my issues with people i know. I am not proud to be fat and i hate getting into conversations about weight or diets or exercise because i feel like a hypocrite when i tell people what i know.. but don't do.

I feel like i have to keep atkins a secret until i have reached my goal. How crazy do i sound? Im finally doing something good and i want it to stay a secret.

What i am getting at is who cares how many voices you are hearing.. just make sure the majority of them are telling you to keep moving forward. If not just veto the "go to McDonalds" bill and push thru the motion that says to talk a walk to the park.

Have you thought about photography as a hobby? I have always been interested in trying it but i recently bought a camera and every day i walk around the city taking hundreds of photos. I get lost in what i am doing and i easily kill 2 or 3 hours walking around. Not only does it free my mind it keeps me from watching the clock and the fridge at the same time. I am moving and my heart rate is climbing. Its the perfect medicine for me.

If photography isnt your thing then think about something that you can do by yourself thats fun and interesting and i promise you that it will find the same peace i found when i got my camera and before you know it a year will have passed and your goal weight will have been met a long time ago.

[chibelly]

Re: Maybe I'm just not ready...

I decided to add this because i think its important that you understand you are not the only one who hears the voices.

Its 4:30AM where i am. I haven't gone to sleep yet. I have literally/honestly spent the last 7 hours in my room thinking about the 12 pack of Coke that i saw in the kitchen on my way up earlier. At first it wasn't so bad. I had some work to do and then i watched a movie. But as it got later and later and i had less and less to do i found myself stuck on my computer. Im still here. Im sitting here thinking about that freaking coca cola downstairs.

This is how it was with smoking so i know the drill. When i smoked every day i would smoke my last one at 3 or 4 PM and say "NO MORE" and i would get home and lay awake until i finally broke down and went to the gas station at 3 or 4 AM to get a pack. I would smoke one and fall asleep. I did that every day for 3 years. Heck.. i almost bought a pack today thinking "at least there are no carbs or calories in them".

I KNOW i dont need or even want that coca cola and even as i type this right now i am still weighing it as an option.. thinking about how i would restart induction and get back on track so i can drink one can of coca cola. It's nuts! But it's reality and all we can do is our best.

Good Luck to you and wish me luck in avoiding the evil red can of goodness downstairs

[jigglypuff]

Re: Maybe I'm just not ready...

I hope you didnt give in chi! be strong!

[Dryunderwater]

Re: Maybe I'm just not ready...

ChiBelly....You are marvelous..this line right here "What i am getting at is who cares how many voices you are hearing.. just make sure the majority of them are telling you to keep moving forward. If not just veto the "go to McDonalds" bill and push thru the motion that says to talk a walk to the park."

I soooooooooo needed to hear that. Truly Classic!!!!!!!!

Goin2befit...You are so awesome. The feelings you have are real, it is a true struggle but you are fighting for your life and that has NEVER come easy in my experience, from jobs to children to people and even spirtual wise...it is warfare! You are important and worthy and complete and you will make it and there will be days you wanna pick a specific 4 letter word and be done with it.

My mom used to tell me a quote that she loved, can't remember who it is by but here it is "If it starts getting easy, you are going the wrong way!" The sun shines brightest at the top of the mountain, but there are snares and drops and valleys to make it through in order to get there. You are half-way there....it's the journey that tempers the steel.

Keep the faith and best wishes.....

[miller98b]

Re: Maybe I'm just not ready...

I don't fight the "voices" I rationalize them. When I am fighting inside over a certain food or quitting this WOL, I take a deep breath and I let the voices flow. Like water running through a river......don't try to stop it, just direct it. The battle sometimes becomes so much more when you constantly try to erase the thougths and it consumes your thinking. Then I think of all the things that are going on in the world with children who do not eat, people that are hungry, the poor, the destitute and I ask myself, "This is what you are worrying about?" "Its just food you bafoon." And I almost always feel better. Put it in context and realize that this "battle" is just a bunch of chemicals in your body having a temper tantrum. Relax, breath and move forward.

Also, you may want to talk to someone about these problems. If it is truly an epic battle in your daily life, then it is probably a deeper issue than wanting to quit.

[msanjelpie]

Re: Maybe I'm just not ready...

Having an eating disorder really has nothing to do with food. It is all a mind game and often the body is the loser...

Nutritional counselors help with the what to eat and the when, but they don't help with the mind at all. For that a normal therapist is the way to go. Someone that can help you figure out how you got to your lowest point and why you are still having difficulties...

Look in the mirror. Do you hate yourself because you are fat, or do you just plain hate yourself period. If it's the latter, then a therapist is definitely in order... Someone you feel safe with, someone you can say anything to.

You can always call Weight Watchers and ask them if they know of any psychologists that they recommend...

Keeping a diary of all of your positive and negative thoughts regarding your weight and your self esteem can be very eye opening as well...