2008 I Am Worth It Challenge

[jimmie 48]

Re: 2008 I Am Worth It Challenge

nicely done, liv! looks like you are putting things into place to have a successful journey.
i liked reading about the things you've learned and how that will be used in the future.

[Lisa]

Re: 2008 I Am Worth It Challenge

Past...
I became overweight during a bout of post partum depression and hiding my feelings with food; I liked to blame being pregnant for enjoying food, but that didn't last long when my youngest was 2 and I still weighted as much as I did when I gave birth to her. And it wasn't until this past summer that I stopped trying to be really good justifying the blame on something/someone else. I’ve battled my weight all my life and endured a childhood of abuse. I blamed my childhood, or lack of a “normal” one on how I handled emotions. My SIL at the time (2003) loaned me a video of Dr. A. I thought, “What a crazy fad diet!” and then tried it based on what my SIL coached me. I was paying a lot of money to Weight Watchers and getting discouraged because I couldn’t lose more than 10 pounds. I gave Atkins a try and started losing weight until I got bored and missed food to feed my depression and was off on my own. April 2003 I recommitted myself and found ADBB by happenstance. I should have been committed in the beginning of my journey—a nice vacation in a padded room with happy people in white coats. But I truly, with every bone of my body, believe that I was not committed or dedicated to myself or this way of eating for life until this past summer. I feel that I was in my early days of life trying to mature in every aspect of my life physically, mentally, and spiritually. Looking back, the one thing that I could blame for veering off track (because I’m good at justifying my actions) is feeding the stress and depression instead of just getting through them with faith. Am I’m better and can just jump through each bout of stress or depression today staying on plan, eating right, and exercising every day? No, in fact, I’m in the middle of yet another emotional battle. But I can now recognize when I’m going through the 5 emotions and work through those emotional steps a lot better—which just means shorter time spent justifying eating to feed the feelings.

Present...
If you asked me a couple of weeks ago, I would have said no, I'm not happy with my progress. However, today I am happy with my progress. I can honestly say that I weighted 228 pounds just 3 summers ago and today I weigh 177 (and have seen 174 not that long ago. I can honestly say that even though I have fed the depression and stress for a week because of life events, I didn’t allow it to last a long time. I can honestly say that Atkins works only if I’m committed to myself, exercise, and the food that I eat choose to eat that works to lose weight.

Future...
My future is something that I'm working on again with one step at a time. Looking back over 2008 I can see that I worked through each step that Dr. A said to do to be successful. So, I do know what weight loss success feels like, sounds like, and looks like. There's a saying in my teaching realm that a child can't learn unless they do, see, and hear. Why should it be any different for a weight loss journey? Since I know what it means to be successful in losing 25 pounds and 2 dress sizes, I know I am capable to doing more.

A gift to myself for 2009: I will reach my goal.

Merry Christmas!

[Lisa]

Re: 2008 I Am Worth It Challenge

Wow, I love reading these essays. Very inspirational! Thanks for sharing

[Georgiana]

Re: 2008 I Am Worth It Challenge

Pinpointing when one became fat is usually difficult, if not impossible. And while I am not able to do it, I definitely know when I became unhappy about my weight. I was 12 or 13. At that time, as it is written in my medical file, I was 5'6" and a little below 130 lbs. Obviously, being "fat" was a laughable idea. However, a random comment made by a girl at school made me think -- "Am I actually fat?" I decided I was, and what began was a long series of diets. Paradoxically, it was dieting that drove my weight gain.

It took me a few years to figure out what the culprit was, but when I finally did it, I decided my next weight loss attempt will not involve dieting. So there I was -- me and my good friend Google, in search of an eating plan. I somehow landed on ADBB and, soon after, I was sold.

I read the book a few months later, in February '08, if I remember correctly. Finding DANDR in Germany is not something easy! In fact, eating the Atkins way in Germany immediately places one in a special category of weirdos. Germany is, by tradition, a low-fat country.

When I started Atkins, I wanted to lose about 25 lbs. From December until May, I had lost 15. Obviously, I was thrilled. But then summer came and it brought back with it almost all those 15 lbs.

I participated in a 10-week internship program in Baltimore. Living with two friends -- one a big eater of anything, the other a convinced low fat dieter -- did not help. It was a (wrong) equation of all these changes that fooled me to give up Atkins and go on a low fat diet, convinced that I can make the low fat way of eating a lifestyle. However, the longest I could go without cheating had always been a few days, days that were followed by episodes of piggish overeating. To be honest, I am surprised I did not gain more. It was really disgusting.

Today I weigh a little less (~8 lbs) than I did when I started Atkins about a year ago. Weight-wise, I don't think there is anything I should be particularly excited about. However, in the past year,
1) I became a regular exerciser, which is something I never imagined possible although I did play tennis and basketball for a few years
2) I learned which foods are bad for me and which are good, going beyond the simplistic how-many-calories and even how-many-carbs a food has
3) I went from drinking approximately 20 oz of water per day, to drinking about 200
4) I came to know more about exercising and healthy eating than I ever learned on one of those 2-week diets
5) I learned how to cook.

So, despite the not-so-amazing weight loss, I can definitely say I am happy with my progress.

The last question I should answer as part of this feeble essay attempt could be translated into "Do you plan to make Atkins a lifestyle?" I do, for three reasons:
1) Sugar triggers binging and binging (obviously) makes me gain weight. Extra weight does not only make me a fatty, but it makes me feel miserable about myself, which is worse.
2) I don't know to cook anything non-Atkins. I tried rice once and it was a disaster. I did pasta for my brother a while ago -- I forgot to add salt and the pasta were still uncooked in places. Eating out often is just not appealing, I've grown up with homemade food.
3) I am superglued to this board.

[jimmie 48]

Re: 2008 I Am Worth It Challenge

lisa, i have no doubt that you will make your goal and that you will continue to be faithful over the long haul to what you have learned. it makes all the differenct when you truely are committed.

nice job!

[jimmie 48]

Re: 2008 I Am Worth It Challenge

[[[georgiana]]]] what a great read! you seem to have gone beyond the weight loss, not being worried about the losses and done very well with being active. your mind is wrapped around a good way of eating, a good way of nutrition. no doubt, you'll get to where you want to be weight wise because you have the right tools to get there.

thanks for joining the challenge because it gave us another perspective as you are in another country. sometimes we americans forget that things are not the same elsewhere.

[disneydiva21]

Re: 2008 I Am Worth It Challenge

im in !

[OzLover]

Re: 2008 I Am Worth It Challenge

Thanks for sharing everyone!

[jimmie 48]

Re: 2008 I Am Worth It Challenge

im in !

cool beans! your essay is due by midnight e.s.t. tonight, dec 21

[disneydiva21]

Re: 2008 I Am Worth It Challenge

i thought about it and i just dont feel right telling personal things about my past online
so im taking my name out

cool beans! your essay is due by midnight e.s.t. tonight, dec 21

[ontheway2Stephanie]

Re: 2008 I Am Worth It Challenge

Past:
I can remember being 6 years old and thinking I was "fat". My mother had an unhealthy relationship with her body and constantly made negative comments about herself in front of me. I think this is what initially caused me to be far too "aware" of every little part of my body, and taught me to look at myself negatively no matter what I looked like. My mother also used food as a "reward" - do something good? We go out to eat! Have a bad day? We have ice cream! You get the picture.

My parents divorced when I was 8, and when I was 11, my mother remarried. He was not a good person. He was very controlling, emotionally abusive to my whole family, and physically abusive to my mother. It was not a good situation. During that time, he monitored every morsel that went into my mouth and when it went into my mouth (I wasn't allowed to eat without permission) and he did not believe in "junk food" (peanut butter was included in this category, so you can imagine how we ate). He also treated food as a reward - if we were bad, we had food taken away from us; when we were good, we were allowed to eat properly.

When I was 14, my mother left this man, but went back to him within six months. When she went back I moved into my aunt and uncle's house, and thus began my issues with food. Suddenly food was simply there, it was not forbidden, and I was allowed to have it whenever I was hungry. As you can imagine, suddenly being free to eat when I pleased and have control over that part of my life caused me to have very unhealthy messages about food. Within three years I'd gained about 50 pounds and was 190 my senior year of high school. I used food as a reward, to soothe my shattered childhood soul, and as a replacement for the love that I was lacking from both of my parents. It became an obsession for me. I continued to gain after high school, with a couple of successful dieting attempts, but overall worked my way up to a hefty 293 pounds at my highest.

When my daughter was born in February 2007, I realized that I did not want to pass my unhealthy habits and way of eating onto her. I began seeking help for my food addiction and part of that help is a detox from carbohydrates. Hence, Atkins. I actually do not find this WOE easy. Even weeks into the program I find myself craving carbs, so for me, every day is a struggle. I can choose to win or lose on a daily basis.

Present:

I am proud of myself for sticking to this for three weeks. It is not easy for me, but I have really tried to set myself up for success this time. I am realizing that control is something I can conquer, and my food issues do not have to define who I am. But it takes work every day. Sometimes I feel like the path is set and my goal is clear; other times it feels like I'm walking in the dark with a deep, dark pit looming on my right, just waiting for me to take one wrong step before I fall in to it. Like I said, every day is a re-committment, and I treat myself as if I were a recovering alcoholic. One day at a time, one meal at a time. Stay out of restaurants or situations in which I may lose control, etc. I am focused and trying very hard. And right now I am very much succeeding. And I am proud of that.

Future:

I see my future self as a confident woman who teaches her daughter to love herself, love her body for what it can do and not for what body fat percentage is. I want to teach her that food is simply fuel, something to enjoy but not something to lean on when you are feeling sad/happy/mad/embarrassed/etc. I don't want food to even be a thought to her except as a way to fill her body. And I find that to be a daunting task in today's world that is obsessed with it. Our world is obsessed with food, either to stay thin or to get thin.

As for me, I'd like to weigh somewhere around 180 pounds. Less is always good, but I'd be completely happy at that weight. I'd like to lose the obsession with food, but like an alcoholic, I think this struggle will be mine for the rest of my life. Food is my drug of choice.

(and uh, CRAP, cause I thought this was due by midnight, but I'm on pacific time, so for me it's still only 9:30! Even if this doesn't count, I'd like to contribute.

[jimmie 48]

Re: 2008 I Am Worth It Challenge

stephanie, one thing you'll find out about me is that i am so easy going and although it was after midnight, eastern time, it was only late by a smidgen... it counts. and thanks for taking the time to do the challenge!

what a mess of mental things you had to overcome to get to this point. food becomes the 'bad guy' so often in 'normal' households but my goodness, you had to deal with some issues. teaching your daughter a better way is a very good thing.
it's abolutely great that you can see the strength you have when it comes to food and choices. doesn't it feel great to be in control of food and not the other way around?

[jimmie 48]

Re: 2008 I Am Worth It Challenge

i want to thank you girls again for participating in the 2008 I Am Worth It Challenge. you are absolute winners!

Debie..... DLS......FLdoodette......*Lisa*.....liv
Georgiana.....Velcrocat.....ontheway2Stephanie
and me
here is something you can display in your signatures but i have a feeling your real reward is in the knowledge you've gained from looking at your past, your present and future as it deals with your woe. [it's still cool to earn and display an award though]

[FLdoodette]

Re: 2008 I Am Worth It Challenge

Thanks again, Jimmie Jo, for hosting this Challenge ... it was a catharsis and so amazing to read these honest and sometimes heart-wrenching stories ... what a fantastic group of Atkineers!

[Lisa]

Re: 2008 I Am Worth It Challenge

Yes! Thank you again for hosting and spuring on the challenge, Jimmiejo! I appreciate the reponses and reflection time.