Pmdd

[jsj0305]

I was wondering..do any of you suffer from PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric/ depression disorder). I am about to be added onto my husband insurance, and I am going to get a work up done.

I have ALWAYS felt depressed, not just sad, I mean I think about suicide every single day of my life. I would never do it, but the fact that the thought is always there scares the **** out of me.

I was addicted to cocaine, b/c I really felt it was helping me. MY father has BPII and I know it is heraditary. I have talked to a psychologist and she suggested I get worked up on BP as well as PMDD. The scary thing is, some disorders such as BP can flare up, so you could have a flare up and be misdiagnosed as having PMDD

Do any of you know about it, have it, know anyone???...It's so easy to look it up online, but to talk to someone real, not some report will help me to understand this better.

Thanks for reading!

[Laurenfra]

Re: Pmdd

I do not suffer as you do but wanted to . I think you will find others here as they see your thread.

[FunkyFabDiva]

Re: Pmdd

So many of us could be suffering with it and not even know it. I do know I suffer from Atypical Depression. I hope that someone here can come and relate to PMDD so that you can converse about it.

I'm sorry that you're suffering with this, because its serious and not a joking matter about depression. I had to edit and give you a hug

[jsj0305]

Re: Pmdd

Thnak you so much for that hug, I surely needed it.

[tabekat]

Re: Pmdd

First of all, I'd like to let you know that you are not alone.
I'd also like to tell you I think you are very brave to talk about this subject publicly. You deserve lots of credit for not burying your feelings about it.



I'd love to say I have the cure, the solution, the golden egg answer, but I don't have it. Still searching for it myself. All I can offer you is empathy.

I don't know if my diagnoses would be exactly the same as yours but I think it may be similar. I know my periods/hormonal shifts plunge me into dark despair sometimes and it is definately a physical response. There are times when my hormones droop so low I swear I can feel them dropping.

The physical crash produces an emotional and mental reaction. I get very, very, very depressed. And what is really odd is that no matter how many times i have relived this experience, I still buy right into the depression even though intellectually I know it isn't real. But it feels real and not related to anything physical. It is just crazytime.

Suicide...heck I doubt I'm serious about it but I have a talk with myself about it everyday. Is that normal? Dunno. I tried to drown myself once but I was too chicken-**** about possible sharks to follow through. Did that mean I wasn't really wanting an exit? I know since I tried that experiment, I'm much more likely to question my suicidal motives as being real. I was all alone out there in the water. Did I need an audience?

You know the absolute worst thing to find out after all these years of fighting depression is to discover I merely wanted some attention. When I think about that possibility I really cringe. That would be awful.

Despite my medication, despite my success on Atkins, despite the many bounteous blessings in my life, I still confront my depression daily and debate with myself whether it would be easier to just leave the planet. Everyday I talk and walk and smack myself past it.

I really doubt suicide would be the solution it appears to be anyway. It appears like a good way to escape, but can we really know thats true? I don't.

I still have important things to accomplish with this soul, this body. I can't get them finished if I take an early exit.

Still I long for oblivion and I wish someone could understand what that longing feels like. I do have a friend who also feels it. We just both keep fighting it and fighting it. But the happiness drains out of us like sap out a tree. Our kids don't understand this daily battle.

It is frustrating - that feeling that our loved ones don't really know what we are going through. Do you have that feeling too? The continual fight we put up on the inside not to do anything reckless. The fight to control out temper and manifest only loving behavior. Isn't it exhausting? How tempting it seems to lash out at our loved ones even though our condition is not their fault. Don't you wish they could experience 5 minutes of the physical, mental and emotional turmoil inside?

I once had a hubby who told me he thought I had a "weak" mind. That little weinie wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes under this hormonal and emotional onslaught. I am not weak.

I have tried everything imaginable to overcome the depression. Therapy, medication, vitamins, exercise, prayer, meditation, philosophy. For many years now. And it all really helps. But it never makes the depression go away entirely.

(Never did try cocaine though...heh, heh - I'm thinking it didn't work?)

Heck I think I'll try just about anything to cure this. I'll talk to aliens! I'll wear seaweed around my neck. I'll drink tang and eat space sticks.

It just feels like a big stone is permanently wedged against my chest. It feels like something heavy is hanging over my head.

I myself, do not know why it is still there. I may never know why it is there. It just is. I don't know how to remove it. But I haven given up. I won't give up.

And I'm proud of myself that I am still alive and still trying to beat this mysterious thing.

I used to think that my extra weight caused the depression. Well that theory was put to rest with Atkins. I'm so much thinner now, and my eating habits are so much healthier now. And it did help somewhat. It certainly smoothed out some of my mood swings.

But still, the depression returns and weighs on me.

What to do? I don't know. But don't give up. You may find the solution and share it with me. Just know you are very brave and you aren't alone.

[jsj0305]

Re: Pmdd

WOW. I don't know how to say thank you enough.

Coke doesn't help, if anything it makes it worse. Once the high is gone, you're left more down than when you started. It's a vicious cycle that has almost ruined my life. I truly appreciate you making that reference to my other post, b/c I feel as if you know me as a whole person. You remembered me and my story. I can't explain how that makes me feel. I feel as if I can listen to you whole-heartedly b/c you know my past.

Everyday I have an argument with my hubby and it always turns out the same way. "You can't possibly understand what I have been through and go through every single waking moment of my life". I guess it is easy for him to forget that I had a drug problem for a reason. The fact that you remembered make me feel as if I've been heard, and I havn't felt this comfortable talking to someone in a long time. It's a great feeling.

Every single day, I fight this battle, and go to bed feeling as though I have survived, that I have made it through. Then I awake in the same person **** I was in the day before, more depressed that it didn't go away despite my efforts. Reguardless of my fight, I always lose.

I can only wish that it was possible for my family to walk in my shoes for a moment, to see how hard I truly fight. So they know that when I am on edge and acting irrational, that is me giving it my all.

Some days are worse than others, but I can't remember the last time I had a good day. I'll have a great time with my family, and end up ruining the whole thing b/c I can't help but feel miserable. I get so jealous that they don't understand and I have to deal with this on my own, that I lash out.

It's so hard b/c I don't know. I don't know if I didn't kill myself the million times I've tried b/c I want to be alive, or b/c I'm too lazy to actually pull it off. I've OD'd several times, cut myself, everything you can think of, but never took enough or cut myself deep enough. I just don't get it.

I know it isn't attention, b/c I get it. My hubby loves me but I still feel this way.

uhoh, my son is crying. I have to go but i'll be back later.

Thanks for being here for me. You are a breath of fresh air for me right now, and I needed it to breathe.

Be back later....

[Mush]

Re: Pmdd

Wow, I feel like I was just listeneing in on a conversation with myself. Having suffered from bipolar that has increasingly mangled my life since age 12, I thoroughly understand. I've been on every medication from Prozac to Zyprexa, and then quit because of the nasty side effects and became a fulltime pothead for many years. Cocaine, I only tried twice because the next three days I was beyond suicidal and it scared me very badly. I quit smoking pot about 1year ago - and was very scared of falling back into the black hole - but, instead, its been like coming out of a fog. I battle with the illness on my own, now, as I don't think it will ever completely go away.

If I catch myself not sleeping enough, not leaving the house for more than two days, or taking on a million things I know I'll never finish - I deal with it immediately.

ANyway, one thing that has been helpful to me is knowing that there is an end in sight. No matter how many times the depression moves in, there comes a point to where it passes enough that I can function again. Thus my two-day thing. Sometimes I just have to give myself a few days to wallow in it, and then, if I don't feel better on my own - I FORCE myself out of the house even if it is only for a 15 minute walk around my neighborhood.

Suicide is not an option folks. It is the MOST selfish thing a person can do with their life. My older brother hung himself at age 22. I was fifteen. He maybe had no idea how many people's lives he devastated. I watched one of his friends wailing "DAMN you, Cory" over his coffin at the viewing. My neice, 4 at the time, found the body, and battles that image to this day - she's 21. My father has never been the same man. A lady at a treatment center once told me that no matter how isolated you feel, at least 50 people are afffected by everything you do. When I thought about Cory I knew she was right. He felt like nobody would care if he died, I am sure.

Even though I don't seriously think of suicide as an option, the images still come to my mind unbidden - particularly when I am stressed, overwhelmed, or angry. Those I just know are the disease, NOT ME. Think of it as an separate entity from you, one that wants your life, and NEVER stop fighting.

Grace & Peace to you both.

[jsj0305]

Re: Pmdd

WOW. Thank you so much for sharing that. I never looked at the two as seperate issues, but you absolutely right. Wanting to die ISN'T me.

I always looked at it like it's a battle with yourself, but you're right, it's not. It's the disease. NOW I KNOW!!! I feel as though I can fight now, and not myself. Ever single day, I feel as though I fight with myself...and you can never win that way.

I cannot explain how much clearer things are now. I feel as though I understand.

I would never commit suicide. My son needs his mom, and that's all I need. When I was younger, I thought about the whole 50 people would be effected, but then I dismissed that by telling myself, they don't fight with this. It is absolutely selfish, thats why I could never do it.

Thanks so much for your insight. You have truly helped to clear some of this clutter in my mind. Stay Strong.

[Mush]

Re: Pmdd

I'm so glad my words helped. I was worried I had sounded lecturey, or as if I had somehow arrived somewhere. I am still in major limbo, but 20 years of this thing has taught me alot about how it attacks, and how to at least attempt to fight.

My kids are often the ONLY thing that keeps me going. Once, at age 19, I was driving in Chatanooga in the rain and this strange calm came over me, almost like someone had oured warm oil over my head - then this calm calm clear thought/voice that I should just go straight at the next curve. It was like I was hypnotized. My hands gripped the wheel and the determination to obey was so strong. At the last minute I glanced in my rearview, and saw my daughter's empty carseat in the back. That snapped me out of it and I pulled over and just sobbed.

Not even truly considered a suicide attempt, but I think its the closest I ever came to actually following through.

Thanks so much for sharing your struggle and your strength - it means so much to know that I'm not alone.