Okay, this is bad.

[SkaPaladin]

For a long time, I didn't care about anything.

I was letting myself pretty much rot where I was.

I used to just lie in bed almost for days at a time, just watching tv, or sitting on my computer. I guess it was a kind of depression.

I found some hobbies, but my weight was always an issue. I had pretty much given up.

Then, I found someone, to help me kill time, and eventually, I fell for her.

I didn't change who I was, and she literally found me disgusting, but she still hung out with me. I think that might be why I so hard for her.

I also didn't bathe very often, so that didn't help.

Well, anyways, once I realized that I would never get anywhere with her, I decided to turn my life around.

The lease was up with my friends, and I figured it would be a good time for a new start. She asked me to move in with her, but I had to get a job, to help pay the rent and bills. I took this opportunity to change who I was, and maybe, just maybe, I'd have my chance.

I've lost 60 pounds, I've cleaned up, and I changed my attitude. But no matter what I do, I'm still never good enough for her. I even talked to her about it, and she told me, flat out, that I have no chance with her, whatsoever.

Yet, much more attractive people are interested in me. But I can't get this one girl out of my head.

I used to be a cutter, and I just started again today.

She has slept with almost every single one of my friends, and she just added another one to the list at about 5 o clock this morning. I cut myself at about 6. Deep. Ouch.

I know how bad this is, but it seems no matter what I do, I can't get her out of my head. And unfortunately for me, I still don't have any insurance, because of the waiting period at my job. I think I might be bipolar, but I don't know. It might just be regular depression, but I had suppressed it for so long, because I was overweight, and underconfident. I got used to feeling that way, and now I can't change it.

I walked in on her and my friend. She knows how I feel, but it doesn't stop her from being the way she is. And I know I can't change her. They were drunk, but it's still no real excuse.

I just wish there was a way that I could show her what she is doing to me.

I just wish I could get her out of my head, because there is no way that a girl that is willing to do this to me, will ever be good enough for me.

Can someone please tell me what to do? I know, people never take advice when it's good for them.

I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time like this. I'm a stupid, stupid person. I can't stop liking this girl, I changed myself, and lost weight for all the wrong reasons, and I know it's not helping that I live with her. But I can't just move out, because she kind of needs me here.

I just hate her so much right now, I'm on my second pack of cigarettes and that blade is just looking so friendly right now.

[rebakah]

Re: Okay, this is bad.

okay...where to start. First of all, no-one can tell you what to do about your situation because even if you followed advice it wouldn't change your behaviour or thought pattern. You must come to your answer in your own time. Let me explain it with an analogy...someone giving you the answer is like only reading the last page of a book.

there are some questions you need to ask yourself. Looking after our bodies and our hearts is like a pension plan, you put in what you think you're worth, what you can afford. Can you afford to be in this situation? How would it feel to put yourself first, to give yourself the No.1 position in your life? You lost weight and cleaned yourself up for someone else, maybe that was okay, maybe in order to do it you had to do it for someone else, but how would it feel to look in the mirror and say 'ok, i got here by driving down a dodgy road, but i got here all the same'. how about owning that now, just for a moment, just for a moment, try to feel the power and perseverence and positive thinking that YOU had to engage in to get to where you are?
On the cutting...it's not an area that I'm familiar with but if it's a serious compulsion you must seek professional advice.

Ps: Change your thinking and you'll change your life

[2big4mysize]

Re: Okay, this is bad.

while you are waiting for your insurance contact the mental health department of your health department. they have many free or sliding sclae clinics and you can start with that now and if you want to change when your insurance arrives you can. The fact that you are activly cutting should jump you on the weight list if you tell them you are and need help.

Keep talking about your feelings> remember this girl didn't want you she wanted what she thought she could mold you into.

[SkaPaladin]

Re: Okay, this is bad.

That's just it, though. She didn't want me at all. She didn't care about anything I said or did. She felt like she could do so much better. But instead of doing better, she pretty much just did everyone.

What also hurts, is that they are all my friends. Friends since high school. Friends for years, that I have been through so much with.

They don't see her the way I do, and they are just using her. She has convinced herself that she is using them. But, I'm the one suffering, and it just doesn't make any sense to me.

I actually considered giving up on the diet, because now I don't see any point in keeping it up, because I have no real reason, or incentive anymore. Yet, when I tried to take off my bracelet, I found that I just couldn't.

I'm too weak to even try to give it up now. That's just too ****ing pathetic, isn't it? Still keeping myself ready for a chance I'll never get.

Well, at least I'm not doing any emotion eating. The nausea caused from my chain smoking is keeping me cheat free.

[changing]

Re: Okay, this is bad.

Oh honey, there was a boy named Andy that I went through that with so many years ago... he just kept sleeping with all my other friends and no one cared about him like I did... we were very close friends too... he'd just say and do these things that would knife my heart and he had no clue he was killing me with it... it took me so long to get over him; at the time, I thought I never would. I knew I'd never have him and because of some of the things he said to me, I thought no one would ever want me. It was so horrible because we had good times together as friends, and he was the kind of person who was so funny, happy, and charming that it was impossible to be mad with.


But I DID get over him. I'm happily married to a wonderful man who treats me absolutely nothing like the way that Andy treated me, and I like it that way... My words may fall empty on you -- I know, when it was happening to me, I would have laughed at this post I'm making and said, "Riiiiiiiight" but if you hang in there, you will get through this. There are wonderful people out there. You can find love.

As for motivation for sticking with the diet, at a time like this, you need to love yourself. You need to understand that you are worth it. Additionally, when the time comes you meet that special someone that makes you swoon and you have a shot with, you'll want to put your best foot forward. And I know that love shouldn't be (and often isn't, especially in my case) all about appearances, but humans are very visual creatures and a little eye candy never hurt anyone.

Stick in there. I'm glad you posted about these feelings.

[Iamscandalouslyglam]

Re: Okay, this is bad.

Wow. The first step in feeling better is one you bravely took; sharing your pain. I know when I hurt, talking to someone sometimes takes a little bit of it away.

Maybe you need to remove yourself from the situation. ****, man...I know if I have a Piece of Chocolate cake on the counter that I have to walk by all the time...I'm never gonna get it out of my head, either Not the best comparison...but do you see what I mean.

I realize she was there for you in a time when you didn't even like yourself. But she didn't change you...YOU DID!!! Be Proud. Do not let her flaunt her promiscuousness (with your FRIENDS!!!!!) anymore. STOP worshipping her. She's Cruel to you, you do deserve better. Friends don't treat eachother like she's treating you.

[freckles]

Re: Okay, this is bad.

You don't want someone who thinks you are not worthy of the utmost love and respect.

Trust me, that's like settling for a piece of spam when you could have a filet mignon!

There is a girl out there who will love you and cherish you and give you respect. But before you will be ready for her, you have to make some decisions....

You have to decide that you are worthy of being respected.
You have to decide that you are worthy of medical care, even if it costs money you don't have.
You have to decide that you are worth fighting for.

You can do this, but you have to make the decision, you have to make that leap. The other side is soooooo much better. Being loved is much better than loving what you can't have and what isn't good for you.

[InkDBear]

Re: Okay, this is bad.

If you are cutting, you need to seek professional help IMMEDIATELY. Please please please go to your local county mental health clinic. There is effective treatment available through psychotherapy and psychotherapeudic medication that can help eliviate the urge to self-mutilate. You don't need to go through this untreated. There is most likely something deeper than the rejection of this girl that you really need to work through with a trained professional. And I commend you for reaching out!

[Carbaholic]

Re: Okay, this is bad.

I'm so sorry to hear your troubles and I'm no professional so I'm not going to even try to tackle why you cut yourself.

I know this is going to sound completely judgemental and catty but what a complete b*tch. I mean she is just taking you for a ride. Sounds like she has very low self esteem and needs to bolster her confidence by keeping someone who worships her nearby and sleeping with lots of men.

I don't think you should be sad at all - I think you should be angry. I'll bet as soon as you say you're going to move out and not show her any interest (and I reckon you should, this person is nothing but an emotional drain in your life) she would soon start acting a lot nicer to you.

I used to go for for exactly the same thing - all the hot guys that treated me appallingly and blame men for being such dogs, when it was actually something in me that was going for these guys that I wouldn't ever have and that I knew would reject me to back up my low self esteem. But I eventually got that out of my system with a guy that I first thought was too nice, you know - good to be a friend but just that. Then I thought, 'what the **** kind of thinking is that? how can someone I want to be with be too nice???' I think I believed I didn't deserve it. But 15months on we are very loved up and happy and living together, because I stood back and told myself to take a chance.

Put it this way, if you were reading a book or watching a movie or even had a friend and this was the situation, what would you do?
You'd be SCREAMING at them to get out of there and stop wasting their time and affections on such a lost cause.

I think you should start saying yes to the other women that have shown an interest. This would raise your self-esteem, it opens you up to countless opportunities (and I'm sure as a side effect it would annoy the cr*p out of the other girl!)

I know it is hard as ****, but no-one here is going to tell you anything to get you deliberately hurt - we're here to support you (unlike your friend).

Be strong, honey.

[SkaPaladin]

Re: Okay, this is bad.

I have kinda gotten over the initial shock of what happened. One of the guys at work saw my scars and got mad at me. I was stupid and forgot to cover them up. That's how I got caught last time. Kinda funny, in a way.

Anyways, I am trying to not look at her in the same way, but she found another way to make me mad.

I hate when someone starts to say something, and then they decide to not say it. But, then, you know it's a bad thing, and you just have to know.

Back story. My hobby is cosplay, when you make a costume based on a character from a cartoon, movie, anything. I have this one cosplay of Uchiha Sasuke, from an anime called Naruto. I was asking for her opinion, and my friend Nick's opinion. Nick says it's looks good. Real good. She, on the other hand, made a stupid comment about how even if I dress like Sasuke, I still won't be able to turn her on.

What a ****ing b**ch!. I don't recall asking if it turned her on, and as a matter of fact, I don't care if I do or don't. But the fact that she has the audacity to say something so atrocious, such an attack on my self-esteem... It just infuriates me. Nick no longer thinks of her as a good person, and a lot of my friends have seen the way she treats me. So they are iffy about her.

But, on the other hand... (there's always another side to the story) Sometimes, she has a tendency to think things, random things, and occasionally, when she doesn't mean for them to, they slip out. I'm sure you had a moment where you thought something, completely out of character, something you would never do, or think to say aloud. But you have thought it. She, says them, sometimes. Granted, I constantly tell her to think before she opens her mouth and gets herself in trouble. She is the reason we fight all the time. And I think she is starting to see it.

Well, either way, I am not holding back anymore. Anytime, she attacks me like that, I, the king of razor sharp wit, and caustic retort, shall play that game. She has no idea what has been unleashed inside of me. (I like to pretend that I have multiple personalities. Unfortunately, I think they may have actually developed into their own seperate entities... How would I go about getting those checked out?)

[hey_nelson]

Re: Okay, this is bad.

Ok Ska.. please don't be a games player. She is playing a game and you have become a pawn in the game. Don't feed or fall into that trap because then it just becomes more warped and twisted. You said that you are working on yourself. If you feed into the games you will only keep yourself from attaining the real YOU.

Sounds like she does not know what LOVE is at all and you are striving for LOVE.

There has been some wonderful advice given here by persons who are concerned. There comes a time to let it go and move on.
Peace and blessings to you hun.

[InkDBear]

Re: Okay, this is bad.

Mutliple Personality Disorder is very rare and there is a huge debate on whether or not it even really exists. But again, you really really really need to go to a professional psychotherapist at your local County mental health clinic immediately. Cutting is dangerous. Engaging is emotional/mental combat with this girl who seems to have her own personality disorder is dangerous. You most likely continue to subjuect yourself to her because you are getting something out it (even if it's negative). You don't need to suffer like this. Get help now, please! From one Dude to another Dude, GO!

[2big4mysize]

Re: Okay, this is bad.

call your county mental health center and they will check it out for you.

[ladyinred]

Re: Okay, this is bad.

Please take the advice you've been given re the cutting. I don't know anything about that, but I do know that you don't deserve to do that to yourself. She is certainly not worth it. And what do you mean you can't move out because she needs you? She needs you?? What does that mean? She is not a friend in the remotest sense of the word. I don't know in what universe she would ever be considered a friend. You have accomplished what you've accomplished all on your own, despite her. You should be proud. Now be strong and unload another 120 lbs (or whatever she weighs) of useless crap that's weighing you down. Arrgghh!!! I'm so angry for you. You have very lovable qualities. Go find someone who will appreciate them. We appreciate you, but you can't snuggle with us at night, can you? lol Please Ska, get help for the cutting and walk away from that bad situation with her. Someone who makes you feel bad about yourself is not a friend. Good luck sweetie.

[InkDBear]

Re: Okay, this is bad.

She doesn't need you. As long as there's a street corner, she'll have a job!