Saved by the sharks

[tabekat]

i tried to kill myself last spring. I was upset about a job termination and my weight issues of course. I had a job where we had to wear a t-shirt as a uniform. the company did not carry extra-large t-shirts, let alone a 1X. So I was stuffed into a Large T-shirt that showed everything, chafed my armpits and caused me great humiliation and pain. I looked terrible in it, but I was required to wear it. When I asked my supervisor to order me an extra-large t-shirt, she refused, saying that her budget wouldn't allow it.

Shortly after asking her to order a larger T-shirt she let me go. I felt so
worthless and I was so disgusted with myself and this weight.

So i walked into the ocean with the full intention of drowning. i was totally determined to do it. and I think I would have done it except something strange happened. I started worrying about sharks. for some reason in my mind, it was ok to drown, but it wasn't ok being attacked by a shark.

i soon found myself in an emotional struggle between my urge to drown and my fear of sharks. since i'm here posting, you know the fear won out. lol...

i have concluded from this experience that in my heart of hearts I must want to live and therefore there is no point in giving up, regardless of how many thoughts I may have about wanting to take an early exit.

I am very grateful to find Atkins which has given me the only hope I have ever had about the possibility of losing weight. But honestly I'm afraid to believe. I've done all kinds of diets in the past, including the "liquid protein" diet, weight watchers, low calorie etc. etc. etc. i've invested ridiculous amounts of money in various weight loss regimes without success. every failure deepens my hatred for myself, for my weaknesses. I don't want to doubt. But putting myself into a mindset where I beleve I'm going to lose the weight seems very, VERY emotionally risky to me.

I don't want to find myself back in that ocean.

[2big4mysize]

:hug welcome to Atkins and to the board I too am glad you were afraid of sharks.

your eaten by sharks vs wanting to drown reminds me of those cartoons where the angle is on one side and the devil on the other of the persons head whipsering into there ears do it don't do it over something. Looks like you angle preyed upon your fear of sharks.

Happy low carbing

[Momma Yamo]

Hang in there..

Hey Tabekat, ha

Hang in there, thank goodness swimming with the sharks is not an option!
You're gonna be fine. You can do it!

This BB is really supportive. Some very wonderful people are here. Although I'm just a newbie, I have to say I'm a much happier person. I hope you will be too.

Take things one day at a time. Breathe deep and try to keep laughing. Here's a couple of sites that might help.

http://today.excite.com/pun.html

http://today.excite.com/joke.html

Take care now! :joy

[da Walnut]

:hug Tabbikat.

Welcome to ADBB.

I hate sharks too, and am glad your fear of them won out. And it sounds for all the world like you want to keep going and win. You're not alone here.

Welcome again.

[Happyme]

I think that what had started with the T shirt humiliation, losing your job and the realization that you really want to live maybe a turning point in your life. You have made a commitment to your self to lose weight and be healthy with Atkins. You could not have found a better board. The people here are so helpful and caring. Stop in and read the posts and ask questions daily and anytime you need incuragment. We have all tried most of the diets out there and failed until we found Arkins.

[lorelei]

Well, you look fantastic already. I can just imagine how you're going to look when you lose even more weight.

Your story really spoke to me. I, too, spent years of my life wrestling with suicide on a day by day and sometimes moment by moment basis. The whole world turns upside down, you're perspective is totally rattled, and you feel absolutely hollow inside. I always felt like a balloon that was going to just sail off into the sky and never be seen again. Other than my son, I didn't have any family (well, cousins that I never saw but that's it) and I was terrified all of time. There were so many things I was afraid, and virtually nothing I wasn't afraid of.

I didn't have health insurance and couldn't afford treatment. What eventually helped me was spending hours, literally, every night walking. I'd walk 10, 12, 15; sometimes 20 miles a night. I know that sounds crazy but I was in what I now know was a severe clinical depression and had no other help. The whole time I was walking I was telling my story to myself, but as I would tell it to others. I was in an incredibly abusive work situation and was also attempting to recover from an eleven year relationship with someone who'd been deeply dishonest and manipulative with me. Of course, within two weeks of him breaking up with me, he was in a new relationship and "wildly in love", and then my grandmother, my only relative other than my son, died. It was terrible and it all took me years to get over.

As I walked, I repeated my story to myself over and over again, I gradually began to find narratives that were empowering. The truth of the matter was that I was a kind and generous person who'd been an absolutely wonderful girlfriend to somebody who was gleefully abusive (not physically, I might add). He had everything - a job that paid 60k a year and required about 12 hours of work a week, a large extended family who adored him, a great education - and he's preying on me, a single mom with no other resources. I was able to see finally that there was many good lessons for me in that relationship. I was able to maintain a long term relationship, I was kind and patient and deeply worthwhile - he sold a manuscript, that was initially rejected because I took the time to rewrite it - things like that. What I had to process and grow beyond was that I'd been in a relationship with someone who was simply abusive - that was my shortcoming and it was at my own expense. He had to process that he'd been "shoplifting the booty" as they call it in Jerry McGuire. He'd behaved atrociously with someone whom he had no right to abuse - iow, I'd come out of the relationship ahead of him on the karmic scale, if you will. LOL I didn't have anything to be ashamed of, he had an enormous amount to be ashamed of.


One thing that helped me enormously was not allowing myself to linger on negative thoughts and to re-frame situations so I didn't appear to myself as the victim - even though, as it true with lots of people who are depressed, I was being treated badly in my worklife, etc. I've wrestled with depression in varying degrees of severity my whole life - it's largely under control now. But I would encourage you to be disciplined about the narratives that you tell yourself. You can get yourself in real trouble quickly. I'm now very, very careful about how I look at situations and perceive my role in things.


As for that job thing you went through - EVERYBODY deserves dignity at work. EVERYBODY. Your employer's behavior was callous and demeaning - that isn't your imagination. I'm glad you're out of there.

[ttdriver]

I have nothing to add except thank God for sharks ... You are so worth this....

SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE!!! :hug :hug :hug :hug

Betty

[goin2Bgood]

God bless sharks