Pp

[Purple Periwinkle]

I have decided to embark on my millionth attempt to "change my life". I am not woeful - I do this all the time in my own way. What is disappointing is that I find myself here so often - at the same identical spot (X) - right here! I have chosen this particular medium in which to address the emotional issues which lead me to binge. I will use this area as my journal in an effort to release my demons. Replies are not necessary, this is for me. I will log-in my own interpretations. My goal is to release into the universe some of the pain, frustration, fear, anger and disappointment that plague me. I do not want to censor myself in this public forum. It defeats the purpose. Inshallah I will dare to express myself. I will dare to expose warts and all. I will dare to be both acceptable and unacceptable. Hopefully the result will be a lesser need to relentlessly stuff my poor abused body with truckfuls of food and then waiting for the moment that I find happiness or love or contentment that never ever comes.



Sometimes even I am overwhelmed at just how exceedingly angry and intolerant I am. One day my explosive anger is going to get me into real trouble. No joy. No joy at all... except when Luke rescued me and that was brief. How I would love to have a full-time hero. Interestingly I was Ok today when showing properties. I am better when busy for sure. I am responsible for my finances, for the most part, for my health and for my emotional wellbeing - and that is growth that I can be proud of.



Today’s food:



2 eggs

Feta cheese

1/2 c spinach

Butter

Shallots

Mushrooms

4 beef patties with cheese

Sautéed green peppers and onions

Raw onion, mustard

Lettuce salad, blue cheese, Newman’s, rice vinegar

3 slices smoked goat cheese

1 olive

Water

1 c decaf with cream, 1 Splenda



I want to read more quotes. They're so insightful.

[2big4mysize]

Re: Pp

welcome to ADBB. Several ADBBer have been in your shoes and struggle with the food as drug of choice.
I'm a little confused by your post. are you planning to use this as your journal? if so we have a journal forum where you can decide if you want to be the only poster Journal stats or if you want to post and be visited by other journalers too, journal chats. If that is the case then maybe a mod can move it to the place you pick. Do you need your menu criticed? if so we have a review my menu forum too. If you want to discuss emotional overeating with others this is the place to be .

Happy low carbing

[Purple Periwinkle]

Re: Pp

A quick reply... I am suffering and this seems like a good place to park and sort myself out. This forum, Emotional Eating, is most befitting me at this moment. In my opinion my weight as well as my behavior and thinking are all rolled together and emotion is the root of it all. I would like to feel as though this is a safe place to share. I read the posts and I find them valuable and healing. If I feel that I can offer something I will participate. I am certain that my participation will evolve and change as time goes. At this particular moment I see value in just getting it all out. Perhaps someone will find value in my ramblings. I am certain that I will reach out and solicit advice when I need help. At this early stage of induction, it's therapeutic for me to get honest about my food and list it so I can clearly see it for what it is. Just an idiosyncrasy. I appreciate this forum that the ability to utilize it as is best for my growth - thank you for your support.


-----

My emotional downslide is in full tilt but oddly enough I realized that I am not seeking comfort in food. Why not? What's changed? I did have a strong pull towards the McDonalds drive thru but I was able to redirect my thinking within less than a minute. I heard someone say once... "It's not where I am at that dictates how I feel, it's where I am heading". That must be it. Today I am committed to this WOE. It pulled me through and I am grateful for any reprieve from bingeing. I am grateful that I have consumed a "normal" quantity of food. It feels good. I'll build on that in what is otherwise a whirlwind of emotional chaos - all self inflicted. There within lies the problem... I am always going to be plagued with emotional glitches, some more sever than others. It's the great trick to learn how to mange both food and emotion. Typically I cannot mange either and I can just barely manage myself above water. This is the fear. The fear of failure. "What if" I cannot manage and end up with a body I cannot appreciate and even more health problems. I rarely consider what if I succeed. I could be fit, attractive and at a healthy ideal weight. That can be a reality for me. I am not doomed to the rest of my life in this obese body. It's not written anywhere. My reality can change. I bet it's not as hard as I make it out to be either. I have minimal confidence in myself. This obesity has become the controlling issue of my life. I pray to be released from it permanently. It's not where I am at, it's where I am heading and I am heading for a new reality. That's pretty hopeful. I'll take hope in whatever form I can get it. Today was 91% chaos but it has ended up 30% hopeful.

Anger. Embarrassment. Self-loathing. Fear. Annoyance. Envy. Betrayal. Contentment. Satisfaction. Pride. Accomplishment. Hope.

2 small slices smoked salmon with a spread of cream cheese and a few slices of cucumber
decaf coffee with cream and 2 splenda
1 c tuna with 3 tbls mayo
1 c cabbage with 1 tbls mayo, lemon juice, rice vinegar
1 beef patty with 1 slice smoked goat cheese
2 beef patties with cheddar,. mustard and fresh onion
2 c salad with mushrooms, alfalfa sprouts, blue cheese, scallions, etc., oil, rice vinegar and lemon juice
1 small cucumber
10 olives
2 tbls cream cheese

Thank goodness I bought that treadmill. Good Decision.

[2big4mysize]

Re: Pp

Good for you steering yourself away from temptation and back to the safe place.

glad you understand this place isn't visited very often by the main stream supporting crew and you can get lonely in here.

BTW I see you have cheese 4 times but didn't list amounts. do you have the 2002 DANDR book? cause cheese has a 4 ounce a day limit

[Purple Periwinkle]

Re: Pp

2big4mysize: Thank you for your comments. I do not have the book yet.



----



Emotional meltdown. I am at 10+ and doing my best to keep afloat in every respect. I have not cried like this in years. It kind of makes me feel alive to have so much emotion. I reached out today in a few ways. I am only remotely committed to feeling better and I am honest about that. I made the appointments, will the body follow?



I am beginning to see how my current tendencies towards isolation coupled with neediness and fear are a direct result of not see strong support between my parents. They didn't support each other emotionally. I didn't learn how a healthy love relationship works. They were two well meaning strangers who resided together. Apparently if I had seen affection and support then I would understand what I am supposed to be identifying as positive traits desirable in a partner. Rather I purposefully seek out men who withhold their emotions and their attention so that I am placed in a scenario that always has the air of potential abandonment. I am always reaching and trying to capture their love. I can see where it's coming from now. I just don't know how to change it. Sometimes all this garbage that I am aware of doesn't really serve me that much. I am self-aware - great! What would it be like to be blissfully ignorant of all of my character defects?



I am shocked to find myself with such loss self-esteem. Now why I am shocked I just don't know because I have systematically acted upon impulses that have paved the way for this very existence. But here I am. I feel that my weight inhibits me so severely. I actually believe that due to my weight I am not attractive to virtually any man. There are apparently few exceptions as I see it. I avert my gaze rather than even look at a man. It's quite contrary as I am seen as so outgoing and I look sales prospects in the eye and I have to deal with the public. But I catch myself making a point to put up a wall immediately upon any man that would be even an extremely remote possibility to have a likeness of anyone that I might find attractive. It's telltale. I always hate what I am wearing no matter what it is.



Pain, abandonment, rejection, loss, grief, anger, jealousy, envy, betrayal

Accomplishment, pride, healthy love, efficiency, validation,



Today’s food:



2 eggs, 1 tbls cream, 1/2 c spinach, shallots, Feta, mushrooms, butte1 c decaf with cream and 2 splenda

1.5 c salad, olive oil, vinegar, lemon juice

4 oz string mozzarella

1 beef pattie with 1 slice Deli Selects

1/2 c sautéed peppers and onions

8 oz fillet

2 tbls sour cream, 1.5 tbls blue cheese

10 olives



I hope that I have the opportunity to love again.

[2big4mysize]

Re: Pp

if you aren't a member yet of the womens forum please join you will besurprized how many ADBBer shared those feelings you just expressed.

Glad you made the appointments. since you are concerned about isolationism how about havinga chat journal so youcan at least play with the other members and get to know thembetter and them you. Journal hopping has created some very strong friendships that go beyond weight loss issues.

[Purple Periwinkle]

Re: Pp

Much better day today. I did choose to go with Mashael and have a drink which was an induction-violation but I was dying for the escape and I didn't want to sit in the house idly - might drive myself crazy. I realize now that "I" morphed into a tamsmanian devil, I lost perspective and wasn't very cool but on the other hand maybe my deductions are right - if so, then he drove me to it. Many possible explanations, they are not important. Bottom line is that I do feel better, more in control, less stressed, less burdened. Who is most important here anyway?

This tremendous anger is so out of control! If I keep this up I will get into something that I cannot handle. When I am challenged - I am not sure how far I can/will go. I think I know my limits which are pretty tame but when this red rage takes over it really surprises me. It seems to always be in relation to someone, anyone, not doing exactly what I want them to. No one can possibly make me happy - wait - that is not true. Actually I think I am easy to please if you know the exact right sequence of events, or the exact right thing to do. I am a kitten. Why can't the world just succumb to my every demand! I get frustrated even thinking about it.

Anger, disappointment, envy
Confidence, 2 seconds of self love

Todays food:

200 g smoked salmon
cream cheese
1 small cucumber
2 c salad, oil, vinegar, lemon juice
cauliflower with 1 tbls cream and butter
Brie
40 g string cheese
2 shots congac
fresh ginger

[Purple Periwinkle]

Re: Pp

I took care of myself today financially and it feels good. I deserve good things when I work both hard and smart. I am proud of myself for that.

I learned the other day that reality is "what is outside of our minds". Wow. I never knew that. All the years I spent escaping "reality" I really had no idea what the word meant. I think I get it now. I have always been trying to get away from myself that is for sure. My head is so negative and destructive. It's full of condescending messages that play over and over again. I beleive my own retoric. I am what my head tells me I am. I am not living in reality now in a way. I know that my thinking is so distorted that what is going on inside of me is not what others perceive. My head has created my self imposed prison. I will give more thought to this concept of reality. Its a big idea.

I cannot beleive that this horrible pain and feeling of loss... is love. Love is a mysterious, powerful emotion that shreds me into pieces. My choice of partner is also suspect. If I chose more wisely I might fair better. Whatever the case at this moment I am getting through moment by moment. I wish I had gone out tonight. I am bored.

At one point today, when I was overhungry, I set myself up for a binge. With all this emotion it's only to my credit that I have not straight to binge food. I was conscious of my intention. Atkins, or the knowledge that I am committed to a food plan has made the difference. I well know that left to my own thinking, I choose binge foods over the potential of looking anf feeling good at a normal weight.

Lonliness, anger, satisfaction, pride, determination, sadness, grief, relief

Todays Food:

2 eggs, 1 tbls cream, 1/2 c spinach, feta cheese, onions
1 c decaf with full fat milk, 2 splenda
4 oz brie
2 c salad, oil, vinegar, lemon juice
42 g string cheese
1 c cauliflower, butter, 1 tbls cream
125 chicken, 1 tbls cream, mushrooms, onions
10 olives

I want to write a novel about life and love in the gulf. I don't know where to start and without knowing what I am doing, I'm afraid that I'll get frustrated and quit.

[Purple Periwinkle]

Re: Pp

The world is still spinning and though grateful, I have moments when I beg just to jump off. I have not binged. I am on one hand amazed and on the other I know that I have a strong will when I choose to exercise it. I can make the choice whether to binge or not. Most of the time I just give in to it knowing the consequences, then I live in the remorse. During this very emotional time, food is not what I am running to to feel better. I think that it has to do with the fact that I feel fairly satisifed on Atkins. I am not craving except decaf coffee with cream from Starbucks. I actually drove out of my way today to get it, which I have never done before, but I couldn't waste my Splenda on my crummy coffee.

Angry, hate, regret, fear, grief, resentment, shame, embarassment, envy
Acceptance, healthy love, satisfaction, relief, happiness, pride

Todays food:

1 c decaf w/ 2 splenda and cream
2 eggs w/ 1 slice deli slice cheddar
2 c salad, lemon, oil, vinegar
1.5 oz cheese
8 oz beef fillet, 1 slice cheddar
2 tbls sour cream
1 tbls blue cheese
10 olives


When am I going to redecorate this place?

[Purple Periwinkle]

Re: Pp

Do I want to be sexually attractive? Is there any validity to the theory that says that many people who put on weight to avoid sexual contact. I have never consciously thought that nor do I want that. I don't know if there is any truth to that or not. Weight does inhibit me. I wouold love to e freer sexually which I beleive will come with weight loss. Is it possible that I am sabotaging myself so that I don't have to deal with advances? Sounds left field to me...

I am tired. I am anxious. I am bored.

Todays food (so far)

2 eggs, 1 splenda, 2 tls cream cheese
4 oz chicken, mushroom taragon cream sauce
4 oz goat cheese
10 olives
1 c broccoli
1 decaf with cream and 1 splenda
salad, oil, vinegar, lemon
8 oz beef fillet w/ 2 slices of deli cheddar

I need to get a life.

[2big4mysize]

Re: Pp

hey Pp their is a topic called psychological obesity in the womens section if you can access it their is a book metioned that discusses hiding in a fat coat.