It Never Goes Away!!!

[Mothercooter]

So I dealt with anorexia and bulemia from 16-19. I rarely ever binged but would just not eat and then when I did I would throw up.

When I got preg with my son at 19 I traded that disorder for another. I became an overeater.

So there I was last month, 100 lbs heavier than I had been at 18 and discusted.

I prided myself though in abandoning the eating disorder (bulemia) so easily for the love of my baby.

Atkins has given me the same thing that I thrived on with the disorder...control. Strict control over what I eat and dont. Its become an obsession just like the disorder. Not sure if thats good or bad.


Yet something horrible happened yesterday!!!!!!!

I ate a slice too much of this pumpkin stuff I made (even though it was still in my allowance) and felt that old feeling of lost control. I then did something I thought I would never do again. I threw up. Then I thought, what is happening to me?? I guess it never really did go away! How naive was I to think it could? Now that I am not an overeater anymore its surfaced as this again!

I dont know what I am asking here just scared and not sure how to deal with this. I dont want food to control my life anymore but when I do things like this, I am giving it the control.

Is anyone still struggling?

[NOTTHIN]

Re: It Never Goes Away!!!

first and foremost...you realize you have a problem...STOP...do not use vomiting as a means to clear yourself of guilt...instead think of your child that you love, and get back on track...you are not alone in your struggle...I have binged in the past, I have tried just not eating, and I have unfortunately made the mistake of vomiting after over eating...NO MORE...take control of you...This is no easy battle, if you go of the track get back on...take that beautiful child of yours for a walk, dance with him in the livingroom...whenever you think of puking, exercise...it's better to over-exercise than to take a short cut to the bathroom...there is always a better way...being over weight is not healthy, bulemia is a slow painful suicide...make up for the mini-failure by starting over, not by giving up...Make a list of things you want to be around for in your childs future, put them on the fridge, and make the changes you need to be a healthier parent, one who teaches your child how to eat correctly, and to be proud of who he is no matter what his body type...stay strong, you can do this...you have a big support team right here on the ADBB... ...

[vJosie]

Re: It Never Goes Away!!!

You're right. It doesn't go away. It was very hard to stop my eating/purging cycle and even today I get the urges too. My tricks are to stay in company (I won't go purge if I think others might be able to hear me, to include my husband and children) or just stay away from the bathroom when the urge comes. It still takes self-control though. I've had days when I have driven for an hour before going home just because I knew that if I went straight home I would go to the bathroom and purge.

We're here for you. (((((((HUGS))))))))

[jimmie 48]

Re: It Never Goes Away!!!

i have not dealt with this, mother, either personally or had any friends that this disorder affected. i think i do understand that this is much like being an alcoholic though in the way that you can relapse.

what do you think triggered this latest episode? are you satisfied with your meals, with this woe? can you look back to those teen years and see your situations then and compare it to now? what are the similarities and what are the differences?

a final question, have you sought help for this? have you been to counseling?

[Mothercooter]

Re: It Never Goes Away!!!

I have had time to really evaluate my situation and my goals and just wanted to update:


As for the eating disorder, the last thing I want to do is go down that road again. I know its all about control because I had no desire to do it to loose weight as atkins is doing that far better than anythng else could but the second I slipped and thought I ate too much I did something that gave me the perception of control again.

What I have realized is though, is its not control at all. When I do things like that it is because I'm letting the disease control me.

The whole point of atkins is to be healthy. Those distructive behaviors are underminding what I am trying to do for myself.

I have thought about it and have a plan of action for next time. First off, no cheating (or overeating) following atkins to the letter and that will not allow for the urge to do things like that. Second, if it does happen, I have to realize its a mistake and everyone makes them. To do anything further would only worsen my mistake. Realize I made a mistake and move on. Do better next time.

These things are all easier said than done but I am a very strong person and have overcome so much already that I know I can beat this as well. I have faith in myself and am really starting to love myself again and everyday my confidence grows stronger. I find myself doing things I never used to do everyday like speaking up or starting a conversation with a stranger. (I am horribly shy). I am starting to feel like me again and the last thing i need is something taking over my life again and keeping me from being the person I was meant to be. I want to be "Mindy" and not a disease, but thats what I have been most of my life and I am just now realizing I have a choice.

Of course I know there will be many times I will have to come back and read my own words to remind me but I know I can do it.

[jimmie 48]

Re: It Never Goes Away!!!

i love seeing people plan! thank you for the update, mother!

maybe this desease doesn't ever go away, but i think you can learn that food does not have to control you.

[NOTTHIN]

Re: It Never Goes Away!!!

Way to go...keep positive...keep motivated...lose BIG...thanx for keeping us posted...