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I've done a lot of thinking since this board went up, and I've come to some rather distressing conclusions. Eating was safe, it couldn't hurt you (so I thought), there was instant gratification, it made you feel better, food could be your friend when you were alone.
There are big gaps in my memory, and things I have a feeling that I'm not ready to deal with yet. But I remember finding food, even at a young age to be safe. When Mom would bake, she'd make sure I was involved with it; I learned to cook when I was pretty young. She's asked me about specific instances that I *should* remember, but I can't, but I can remember how, for the most part, it was safe in the kitchen.
And after all, I'm eating the food, so it can't hurt me. I'm hurting it. Well, now I realize that I was only hurting myself when I would eat. I don't mean the good for you stuff like vegetables, but the high-sugar, white-flour treats that are out there. Well, it hurt me alright. To the tune of 300+ at my highest weight.
I was also impatient, I wanted things the way I wanted them. Granted, that didn't happen when I was a child, or even a teen, but I found I could eat, and felt better. Nothing like a cookie as a reward. The sugar left a feeling of euphoria, that I now know was a sugar high, but it always seemed to come crashing back down so I had to eat more of it, never realizing that I was addicting myself to the beast.
But worst of all, when we moved 1300 miles from everything and everyone I knew, I turned to food. I was painfully shy and insecure, and that came from my lack of athletic ability and weight that was slowly creeping up there. But I could bake cookies and suddenly everyone was my friend. I could turn to it when I was alone, and I'd feel better for a little while, able to push away the loneliness.
With Atkins I've finally conquered that food monster, I know what it can do to me, and I had to decide that I didn't need to eat when I was bored or alone. In fact, now, when I'm stressed, I'm hard pressed to eat anything at all. But since October 11, I've made a pretty strong effort to make sure that I eat something on plan so I keep my blood sugar level and my fat burning engine stoked.
I don't know if I'll ever be "comfortable" around food, but I think the siren's song is fading.
There are big gaps in my memory, and things I have a feeling that I'm not ready to deal with yet. But I remember finding food, even at a young age to be safe. When Mom would bake, she'd make sure I was involved with it; I learned to cook when I was pretty young. She's asked me about specific instances that I *should* remember, but I can't, but I can remember how, for the most part, it was safe in the kitchen.
And after all, I'm eating the food, so it can't hurt me. I'm hurting it. Well, now I realize that I was only hurting myself when I would eat. I don't mean the good for you stuff like vegetables, but the high-sugar, white-flour treats that are out there. Well, it hurt me alright. To the tune of 300+ at my highest weight.
I was also impatient, I wanted things the way I wanted them. Granted, that didn't happen when I was a child, or even a teen, but I found I could eat, and felt better. Nothing like a cookie as a reward. The sugar left a feeling of euphoria, that I now know was a sugar high, but it always seemed to come crashing back down so I had to eat more of it, never realizing that I was addicting myself to the beast.
But worst of all, when we moved 1300 miles from everything and everyone I knew, I turned to food. I was painfully shy and insecure, and that came from my lack of athletic ability and weight that was slowly creeping up there. But I could bake cookies and suddenly everyone was my friend. I could turn to it when I was alone, and I'd feel better for a little while, able to push away the loneliness.
With Atkins I've finally conquered that food monster, I know what it can do to me, and I had to decide that I didn't need to eat when I was bored or alone. In fact, now, when I'm stressed, I'm hard pressed to eat anything at all. But since October 11, I've made a pretty strong effort to make sure that I eat something on plan so I keep my blood sugar level and my fat burning engine stoked.
I don't know if I'll ever be "comfortable" around food, but I think the siren's song is fading.
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