afraid of losing

[aberger]

I am about 20 pounds away from where I'd really like to be, and it's not that I can't lose the weight. I've lost and regained the same 10 pounds, oh it must be about a dozen times now, but every time I start getting compliments on how I look, I feel terrified. As I've noticed is the case with some others here, I too was raped at a time when I had recently lost weight (age 19), and I felt that it was my fault for looking better than I had in the past, even though I know that's not true.

In addition and prior to that, another time I lost weight and was feeling great about my looks, it turned out that I actually lost the weight because I had developed Type I diabetes (at the age of 14). I was devestated that the only reason I had lost the weight was because of the diabetes. As I got my blood sugars under control, I went back to weight I was before.

I just get so scared when I start to get thin, because of these two terrible things that happened in my past. I am afraid that if I get thin, something bad will happen. I get so scared when I feel, especially men, looking at me as get smaller. SO, I work hard and lose the weight and then I put it back on when I start to get back to a certain size. My wonderful husband is trying to help me through this, he is so supportive and undersanding, but I'm just wondering if I should speak to a therepist. I have before, and I loved the woman who I met with, bt it didn't help me shake these feelings.

Thanks for any advice!

[GaynorA]

Re: afraid of losing

Hey there hon. If you go to the Fear factor: abuse and weight loss thread under the main diet journal, you will see that a lot of people have been through what you are going through. So sorry to hear about your abuse experience. I really recommend speaking to a therapist. But make sure you find one who specialises in working with survivors of sexual abuse. It's quite a specialist field - and you really need someone who can support you while you work through the feelings and identify roots of fear etc. Also, a really good book to read is: The courage to heal, by Bass and Davis. It's the best book I've ever read on surviving abuse. Lots of love to you.