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Hi all
This morning I had one of those 'wow' moments when I was notified by an e-mail at my work that I had a private message waiting for me at the ADBB, congratulating me on my one year anniversary as a member and asking me to drop by sometime and say hi.
It was a 'wow' moment because now, more than ever, I need the support and encouragement of the Bulletin Board…..I'm going through a really hard time and have been trying to go it alone.
Some of you may remember me, I've written before and opened up about my binge/ emotional eating and the swinging cycle I've been caught up in---- swinging from 'extreme binging' to 'extreme undereating'. For those who don't know me, I can tell you that basically- for the past 8 - 9 yrs - I have been in a cycle whereby I will eat and eat and eat (feeling sick, bloated, foggy in my mind, vague, depressed, detached from society, guilty and having heart palpitations). After months on that cycle, I find myself scared and panic at a 'big' event that appears on the horizon. After my last binge cycle….that big event was my wedding. Riddled with fear at being 'fat', dying before the wedding from over-eating and guilt about who I am and how I behave, I found myself slipping into the other cycle of extreme undereating and exercising. That cycle consists of having one meal of atkins food a day and doing cardio for 3 - 4 hours a day, seven days a week. Yes, that cycle has always led to success- for my wedding I lost 30 pounds in 3 weeks…..but at what expense? Although I felt happy to get rid of the weight, I was vomitting daily, feeling dizzy and had very abnormal blood tests which scared me. After one of these cycles and after I get to my desired weight goal I always tell myself I will maintain the weight but introduce more food and reduce exercise so I can be healthier and feeling better. Of course that never happens….instead what happens is that I go off on a binge cycle and stop exercise all together…..i eat all sugary foods in sight, gain 40 or 50 pounds and the whole 'fat', guilty, unable to change, 'I'm a failure' mentality kicks back in. Before I know it I'm back to square one.
This has happened about 6 times the past 8 years…...
The problem now is this. I'm back at my highest weight and as I said, the 'I can't do it', I'cant stop binging', I'm fat, I'm worthless etc etc thoughts are back in full force. Not only do these thoughts appear but I actually believe them which in turns makes me gain more and more weight…..I ask myself why but don't have any clear answers. I eat when I'm happy, sad, fearful. Angry and feeling anything else in between. Whilst I might start to eat because I feel deprived, I then keep going day after day and month after month even though I get over the deprivation and I eat until I get sicker and sicker….sometimes I feel I 'deserve' to eat and other times I'm ready to harm myself because I'm so angry and feel so guilty…..its a crazy world I'm in at times….and at times I even feel its like a self-sabotage or rebellion….
The thing that scares me the most now is that unlike other times, I now have no 'big' event coming up to motivate me and get me into one of my healthy kicks. So, I basically binge non-stop. I sneak food at every chance and when I eat, I do so in private- I do this because I feel ashamed of myself. I also don't catch up with friends or family because I feel ashamed at my sudden and extreme weight gain after the wedding.
I know that the negative self talk doesn't help at all and that I have managed to lose weight in the past but I have to say that I feel as stuck as ever and am so scared that I will just keep gaining and gaining and gaining…..
Anyway- I guess you all get the drift of what I am saying…..i guess that’s why I said I had a 'wow' moment when I saw the e-mail inviting me back to the ADBB….it was almost as if someone knew I needed the help and support offered here….
Thank you for listening and please feel free to suggest/ offer any encouragement or strategies if you think you can- I am willing to listen and take it onboard- I need it so much….
God bless you all and good luck with your own endeavours…
This morning I had one of those 'wow' moments when I was notified by an e-mail at my work that I had a private message waiting for me at the ADBB, congratulating me on my one year anniversary as a member and asking me to drop by sometime and say hi.
It was a 'wow' moment because now, more than ever, I need the support and encouragement of the Bulletin Board…..I'm going through a really hard time and have been trying to go it alone.
Some of you may remember me, I've written before and opened up about my binge/ emotional eating and the swinging cycle I've been caught up in---- swinging from 'extreme binging' to 'extreme undereating'. For those who don't know me, I can tell you that basically- for the past 8 - 9 yrs - I have been in a cycle whereby I will eat and eat and eat (feeling sick, bloated, foggy in my mind, vague, depressed, detached from society, guilty and having heart palpitations). After months on that cycle, I find myself scared and panic at a 'big' event that appears on the horizon. After my last binge cycle….that big event was my wedding. Riddled with fear at being 'fat', dying before the wedding from over-eating and guilt about who I am and how I behave, I found myself slipping into the other cycle of extreme undereating and exercising. That cycle consists of having one meal of atkins food a day and doing cardio for 3 - 4 hours a day, seven days a week. Yes, that cycle has always led to success- for my wedding I lost 30 pounds in 3 weeks…..but at what expense? Although I felt happy to get rid of the weight, I was vomitting daily, feeling dizzy and had very abnormal blood tests which scared me. After one of these cycles and after I get to my desired weight goal I always tell myself I will maintain the weight but introduce more food and reduce exercise so I can be healthier and feeling better. Of course that never happens….instead what happens is that I go off on a binge cycle and stop exercise all together…..i eat all sugary foods in sight, gain 40 or 50 pounds and the whole 'fat', guilty, unable to change, 'I'm a failure' mentality kicks back in. Before I know it I'm back to square one.
This has happened about 6 times the past 8 years…...
The problem now is this. I'm back at my highest weight and as I said, the 'I can't do it', I'cant stop binging', I'm fat, I'm worthless etc etc thoughts are back in full force. Not only do these thoughts appear but I actually believe them which in turns makes me gain more and more weight…..I ask myself why but don't have any clear answers. I eat when I'm happy, sad, fearful. Angry and feeling anything else in between. Whilst I might start to eat because I feel deprived, I then keep going day after day and month after month even though I get over the deprivation and I eat until I get sicker and sicker….sometimes I feel I 'deserve' to eat and other times I'm ready to harm myself because I'm so angry and feel so guilty…..its a crazy world I'm in at times….and at times I even feel its like a self-sabotage or rebellion….
The thing that scares me the most now is that unlike other times, I now have no 'big' event coming up to motivate me and get me into one of my healthy kicks. So, I basically binge non-stop. I sneak food at every chance and when I eat, I do so in private- I do this because I feel ashamed of myself. I also don't catch up with friends or family because I feel ashamed at my sudden and extreme weight gain after the wedding.
I know that the negative self talk doesn't help at all and that I have managed to lose weight in the past but I have to say that I feel as stuck as ever and am so scared that I will just keep gaining and gaining and gaining…..
Anyway- I guess you all get the drift of what I am saying…..i guess that’s why I said I had a 'wow' moment when I saw the e-mail inviting me back to the ADBB….it was almost as if someone knew I needed the help and support offered here….
Thank you for listening and please feel free to suggest/ offer any encouragement or strategies if you think you can- I am willing to listen and take it onboard- I need it so much….
God bless you all and good luck with your own endeavours…
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