Overweight 13 year old

[sweetfiend]

My 13 year old daughter is significantly over weight (somewhere between 30 and 50%, I would say--I'm not allowed to know exactly what she weighs, and I actually don't ever ask). She asks for help intermittantly. We have tried Weight Watchers (and she gained weight) and Atkins (which worked, but only for the few months that we managed to be very strict about it and then she gained it all back and more)(she is a starch addict). We have joined a gym together, but she was very resistant to going (I suspect that it embarrassed her to exercise in front of much slimmer, much older people--damn those slender 70 year olds.) I have asked her to walk and biked with me, but she always has an excuse. I must admit, we are not a very organized household, so adding "habits" is a bit of a trick.

The worst of her weight problem isn't her refusal to go shopping or swimming, her avoidance of her rail-thin friends, or the difficulty to find clothes for her; the worst of this is that she has changed from a super confident, happy, happy child into a girl who seems sad and who is constantly asking for reassurance that she is lovable. And of course, she totally is! But she is clearly unhappy with herself and I fear, she sees concern, guilt, despair in my eyes when I look at her. I would love to be able to supress my concern, but clearly she sees through that. And, of course, the culture, her friends, the mirror, all tell her that she is not "average."

I don't believe that people in general are responsive to rewards, punishment, cajoling, external influences. I don't know how to help her without impossing some kind of something on her--a diet, an exercise plan, something. I fear that this will cause new problems (and perhaps not solve the old). We do not eat junk food or have sugar, white flour, rice, potatos in the house. I really don't know why she is so large--although she does seem to take large and second servings of everything. She often eats more than her father or I do at a meal.


Thanks in advance,

[skinnyby25]

Re: Overweight 13 year old

I wasn't going to comment on this one, but after browsing the forum, I've decided to come back. I don't want you to take offence or anything, you asked for opinions, so I've got one.....doesn't everyone? I really don't like the fact that this bulletin board has a forum on children. I've read some posts about people putting their 9 year olds on Induction, & I think it's wrong. However, it's your child, you do what you think is right. The only reason I'm responding is because I've been through this with my brother at around the same age as your daughter.

Most likely, her eating problems stems from something else. (I'm sure you've thought of this, but maybe I can give you some examples to relate to.) At 13 or 14, my younger brother weighed close to 300 pounds. He was "morbidly obese" & my parents tried everything including prescription drugs for weight loss. He lost some weight but started to have other problems like depression & he was failing in school. The weight came back.

At 16, he was a little lighter but still depressed. At that time, I moved out of the house, so I didn't see him much but my mother said he never came out of his room. So.....long story short.....my parents had a huge fight with him about something and he ended up blurting out that he was gay. Okay, no a huge surprise but one none the less.

I kid you not, he lost 150 pounds in less than 9 months doing Atkins (by his own choice!). He came off his medications for depression, he started his own business at 18, graduated school, bought a car & now lives with his partner Dave in a cute apartment. I've never seen him so happy in his life!! He's 20 now & thin & if he wasn't gay, my friends would all want to date him!

I'm not saying your daughter is a lesbian or anything! But, maybe before asking for help on a bulletin board, you should take her to a doctor, a therapist or nutrionist. Yes, most likely she'll have to go on a diet but sometimes kids just need to learn what a serving is.....I'm 25 & I'm still not sure.....so it's not really a diet......it's just re-learning how to feed her properly! Maybe because she's not getting some form of carb, she's doubling up on other food or eating lots of carbs outside of the house (friends, school), who knows?

You probably are thinking that I'm talking out of my ***. I have a 2 year old, what do I know about a pre-teen? Nothing I guess. If my 2 year old won't eat what he's given he doesn't get anything or I use reverse phychology.....works like a dream. Well, 13 year olds usually hate rules right? Don't tell her she's on a diet, just measure the food so there isn't 2nd & 3rd helpings to take. No leftovers!

[lbrowne]

Re: Overweight 13 year old

Well, 13 year olds usually hate rules right? Don't tell her she's on a diet, just measure the food so there isn't 2nd & 3rd helpings to take. No leftovers!

Coming from a carb-craving background that just doesn't make sense. To have a hunger that never really ends, simply limiting food obviously does not work!

There is nothing wrong with eating low carb! Some kids (depending on their health/background/age) may need to start at other levels rather than induction or even with the maintenance menu. Some kids really do fine on induction foods or stricter, again depending on the health problems that are trying to be addressed. There are doctors that are fully supportive of a ketogenic diet to help with health related issues.

Having said that, first and foremost come to grips with the fact that this is your daughter and you need to love her totally, completely and unconditionally and she needs to KNOW that. If you aren't completely accepting of who she is, where is she going to get a foundation for confidence in herself?

But she is clearly unhappy with herself and I fear, she sees concern, guilt, despair in my eyes when I look at her. I would love to be able to supress my concern, but clearly she sees through that. And, of course, the culture, her friends, the mirror, all tell her that she is not "average."

Don't project worry and tiptoe around the subject. That can make it worse. Acknowledge your concern for her health and be sure there isn't a medical reason behind it, then concentrate on healthy eating and activities. Let her know that weight loss IS NOT the goal; that being active and healthy is. There is such a huge difference between the two. If weight loss happens, fine... so be it. But if it doesn't, having a healthy lifestyle and being happy with herself is much more important.

Remember that her weight does not equate to who she is!

You cannot "make" her healthier or thinner. You can however help her learn what a healthy lifestyle is. That does include eating plenty of good nurishing foods.

If you can't openly talk discuss things like health, hygiene, sex, life, morals, and how to care for herself emotionally and physically, these teen years are going to be super hard for both of you. Good luck in getting into some good honest discussions, especially including talk about emotional health and building confidence. Some books on talking with teens or a good counselor might be of help.

I must admit, we are not a very organized household, so adding "habits" is a bit of a trick.

This is off the wall so take it how you like, but maybe your daughter might thrive with having more organization in the household? It might be a starting point to admit to her there are things you'd like to change in your family's lifestyle and need help with.

~ Linda

[ttdriver]

Re: Overweight 13 year old

I totally agree with Linda.

I'm sorry for your daughter .. kids can be so cruel towards an obese child .. that it makes the suffering child turn to even more food for comfort.

Yes, love must be unconditional from you. She must know that you love her regardless and want what's best for her. That is critical.

I would take her to a doctor/psychologist/counselor. Perhaps with a third party involved, she will be more receptive to it. Obviously, no one gets to be obese from hunger alone; there are other emotional issues that need to be dealt with.

I wish you all the best. Your concern for her is obvious. Please don't stop loving her and letting her know it!



Betty

[not2late]

Re: Overweight 13 year old

My 13 year old daughter is significantly over weight (somewhere between 30 and 50%, I would say--I'm not allowed to know exactly what she weighs, and I actually don't ever ask). She asks for help intermittantly. We have tried Weight Watchers (and she gained weight) and Atkins (which worked, but only for the few months that we managed to be very strict about it and then she gained it all back and more)(she is a starch addict). We have joined a gym together, but she was very resistant to going (I suspect that it embarrassed her to exercise in front of much slimmer, much older people--damn those slender 70 year olds.) I have asked her to walk and biked with me, but she always has an excuse. I must admit, we are not a very organized household, so adding "habits" is a bit of a trick.

The worst of her weight problem isn't her refusal to go shopping or swimming, her avoidance of her rail-thin friends, or the difficulty to find clothes for her; the worst of this is that she has changed from a super confident, happy, happy child into a girl who seems sad and who is constantly asking for reassurance that she is lovable. And of course, she totally is! But she is clearly unhappy with herself and I fear, she sees concern, guilt, despair in my eyes when I look at her. I would love to be able to supress my concern, but clearly she sees through that. And, of course, the culture, her friends, the mirror, all tell her that she is not "average."

I don't believe that people in general are responsive to rewards, punishment, cajoling, external influences. I don't know how to help her without impossing some kind of something on her--a diet, an exercise plan, something. I fear that this will cause new problems (and perhaps not solve the old). We do not eat junk food or have sugar, white flour, rice, potatos in the house. I really don't know why she is so large--although she does seem to take large and second servings of everything. She often eats more than her father or I do at a meal.


Thanks in advance,

HAs your daughter been examined by her pediatrician? It's really, really, really, important to get that done because there are medical causes for obesity that need to be ruled out first.

[goin2Bgood]

Re: Overweight 13 year old

The gym is what worked for us (my teen son) but if it had just been the two of us I think he would have quit. Our "magic bullet" was a personal trainer. It took most of my paychecks for a while, but to me it was worth every penny.

Son loved working out with him because he encouraged him every step of the way. The trainer had him write down everything he ate so they could go over it together and he could make suggestions - son wasn't on a "diet" as much as looking for healthier ways of eating. The trainer would ask "What could you have healthier that would still satisfy?" and made son a partner in his own well being.

We still go to the gym and we still work out with the trainer occasionally so our routine can be reviewed, and just because it's fun, but when we started out we worked out with him 3 days a week. If you can afford it, that might be a way to go. Getting that 3rd person in there who cheers you on and directs you can make a big difference to a kid.

[sweetfiend]

Re: Overweight 13 year old

Thank you for the advice! I have noticed that she does better playing soccer--maybe it is the encouragement of the coach!

[BabyDreamer]

Re: Overweight 13 year old

Sweetfiend,

Please, please, please do whatever it takes to save your 13-year-old from herself. If someone had stepped in when I was 13, I would have had 40 pounds to lose instead of over 100. Have her sit down with you and look at this board and see the struggle people have to get a handle on the weight issue. Maybe if she sees that it will only get worse, she will openly ask for help. I was her and I wanted help, but was too ashamed and felt too worthless to ask. I hope you can help her.

Deb

My 13 year old daughter is significantly over weight (somewhere between 30 and 50%, I would say--I'm not allowed to know exactly what she weighs, and I actually don't ever ask). She asks for help intermittantly. We have tried Weight Watchers (and she gained weight) and Atkins (which worked, but only for the few months that we managed to be very strict about it and then she gained it all back and more)(she is a starch addict). We have joined a gym together, but she was very resistant to going (I suspect that it embarrassed her to exercise in front of much slimmer, much older people--damn those slender 70 year olds.) I have asked her to walk and biked with me, but she always has an excuse. I must admit, we are not a very organized household, so adding "habits" is a bit of a trick.

The worst of her weight problem isn't her refusal to go shopping or swimming, her avoidance of her rail-thin friends, or the difficulty to find clothes for her; the worst of this is that she has changed from a super confident, happy, happy child into a girl who seems sad and who is constantly asking for reassurance that she is lovable. And of course, she totally is! But she is clearly unhappy with herself and I fear, she sees concern, guilt, despair in my eyes when I look at her. I would love to be able to supress my concern, but clearly she sees through that. And, of course, the culture, her friends, the mirror, all tell her that she is not "average."

I don't believe that people in general are responsive to rewards, punishment, cajoling, external influences. I don't know how to help her without impossing some kind of something on her--a diet, an exercise plan, something. I fear that this will cause new problems (and perhaps not solve the old). We do not eat junk food or have sugar, white flour, rice, potatos in the house. I really don't know why she is so large--although she does seem to take large and second servings of everything. She often eats more than her father or I do at a meal.


Thanks in advance,

[ex-barbie-doll]

Re: Overweight 13 year old

We have tried Weight Watchers (and she gained weight) and Atkins (which worked, but only for the few months that we managed to be very strict about it and then she gained it all back and more)(she is a starch addict).
Thanks in advance,

How about NOT having starchy foods in the house? Stock lots of pepperoni, devilled eggs, chicken breasts, salads.....
even sugar free jello and whipped cream...

Where does she get all the starchy food that she enjoys?

[BabyDreamer]

Re: Overweight 13 year old

Sweetfiend,

I noticed you told us that you daughter is very large and you don't have certain things in your home for her to eat like potatoes. Do you know what she is "sneak eating"? I was a sneak-eater and my parents did not know. Also, what does your family eat in front of her? At her age, if you eat in front of her she will think she is entitled to eat as you do. In addition, you never mentioned your weight. Are you at a good weight? I am not asking to be nosy, but you will have to model what you want her to do. My bet is that she is eating extra at school and is sneak eating (cause that is what I did).

Deb

My 13 year old daughter is significantly over weight (somewhere between 30 and 50%, I would say--I'm not allowed to know exactly what she weighs, and I actually don't ever ask). She asks for help intermittantly. We have tried Weight Watchers (and she gained weight) and Atkins (which worked, but only for the few months that we managed to be very strict about it and then she gained it all back and more)(she is a starch addict). We have joined a gym together, but she was very resistant to going (I suspect that it embarrassed her to exercise in front of much slimmer, much older people--damn those slender 70 year olds.) I have asked her to walk and biked with me, but she always has an excuse. I must admit, we are not a very organized household, so adding "habits" is a bit of a trick.

The worst of her weight problem isn't her refusal to go shopping or swimming, her avoidance of her rail-thin friends, or the difficulty to find clothes for her; the worst of this is that she has changed from a super confident, happy, happy child into a girl who seems sad and who is constantly asking for reassurance that she is lovable. And of course, she totally is! But she is clearly unhappy with herself and I fear, she sees concern, guilt, despair in my eyes when I look at her. I would love to be able to supress my concern, but clearly she sees through that. And, of course, the culture, her friends, the mirror, all tell her that she is not "average."

I don't believe that people in general are responsive to rewards, punishment, cajoling, external influences. I don't know how to help her without impossing some kind of something on her--a diet, an exercise plan, something. I fear that this will cause new problems (and perhaps not solve the old). We do not eat junk food or have sugar, white flour, rice, potatos in the house. I really don't know why she is so large--although she does seem to take large and second servings of everything. She often eats more than her father or I do at a meal.


Thanks in advance,

[womanpraised]

Re: Overweight 13 year old

This one hits close to home...

As a heavy teen ager, there were a lot of things I think that made it worse. My father wouldnt allow me to spend the same kind of money on clothes that my sister did, cause they would just look silly on me... I couldnt have birthday cake or take cake to school, becasue it would just draw attention to my weight... I was constantly "on a diet", and my parents even offered me, at one point, $100.00 to lose 40 pounds. They thought losing the weight would make me feel better, when really, if I felt better about it, I may have lost the weight!

Focusing on the weight just amkes it worse. You said she does better running soccer, and maybe it is worthwhile to explore some other things for the off season. Maybe an intro karate class, or is there some other sport she is interested in? Does the family go to the lake and mess around on the weekends, or go skating or something together? Maybe she would enjoy being the family "chef" and getting to prepare good food for everyone (since Dad and I are starting to need to watch our health... ). The personal trainer idea has a lot of merit, if it is someone who would encourage and support her. MAYBE she has a friend who would like to go to the gym too, and they could have the trainer train them together, so the emphasis and focus isnt solely on her, and the friend could make it more fun? I hurt for her on this, and wish there were a magic answer.

[Desertthorn]

Re: Overweight 13 year old

I'm still a sneak eater, but now its salami
This is absolutely the best post on the board, and the reason is because maybe we can save one child from going thru what most of us have gone through. The only problem is 13 and 14 and 15 and 16 and especially 17 and 18 year olds know everything and parents know nothing. LOL
I think the secret is to trick them into health.

[stephbob]

Re: Overweight 13 year old

I have to reply to this, and I haven't read the other replies, so you have been warned if I start to repeat what other people are saying.

I was an overweight 13 year old, I was approximately 154 lbs which was a lot for my small frame. I was larger than my friends, but what made it worse was my mother constantly confirming my insecurities. She never went around saying "oh you're fat" but she took it little too far with trying to help me. She thought that I wanted to lose weight more than I actually did, and her constantly going on about it made me feel worse about myself, and I led myself to believe I was obese and good for nothing. Seriously!
So I think that the best thing for you to do is support your daughter and NOT try to motivate her, don't put her on diets, just let her know that if she wants to do any of those things, you'll be there for her to help her. But don't bring the subject up. I guarentee it will make her feel worse, feel like being overweight is a huge burden and terribly wrong.
I was 19 before I got my confidence back enough to take a positive step in my life. 20, 7 years of feeling I was less than everyone else because I wasn't as thin as my friends were. It's ruined my teenage years.
I know you're only trying to help your daughter, the same way that my mother was trying to help me, but it was just wrong.

[not2late]

Re: Overweight 13 year old

I'm still a sneak eater, but now its salami
This is absolutely the best post on the board, and the reason is because maybe we can save one child from going thru what most of us have gone through. The only problem is 13 and 14 and 15 and 16 and especially 17 and 18 year olds know everything and parents know nothing. LOL
I think the secret is to trick them into health.

The absolute best time to "get them" in terms of preventing obesity is when they are babies and weaning.

Bad habits start early. I can't tell you the number of kids who have baby bottles filled with juice in their mouths hourly because that fruit-flavored sugar water is used to keep the baby quiet. Or the number of kids who "have to have" cookies, pies, cakes, chips, etc. because that is the "food" they are fed at home.

Feed them wholesome natural foods from the minute they can eat semi-solid food and avoid the junk. Become active with them the minute they can walk and run, it'll be better for them and you if you spend some of your quality family time playing in the backyard or park, instead of sitting on the couch watching tv.

[cleochatra]

Re: Overweight 13 year old

I started doing Atkins at age 14 with no problems, and I was doing the old 70's or 80's version way back then. I did ok.

I just thought I'd add that.