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Does a person with an eating disorder/addiction ever recover. I have lost all my excess weight now twice in my life. TWO TIMES I have lost over a hundred pounds...but I get to the bottom and I am just as misserable as I am at the top. It's like The eating dissorder just changes. I go from compulsively overeating to compulsively undereating and then binging. I go up and donw, back and forth, but I'm never content. I never feel "safe" in my skin. Do the demons ever leave? Will I fight this forever. Even as I child I suspected I had an eating problem. When I lost the weight the first time in the late 90's I KNEW I had a problem. Now having lost it all again - I know more about myself. I have identified a begining that I can remember very clearly.
I was an awkward, tall, and very skinny kid. Everyone teased me and my grandmother and mom repeptitively told me I was too thin adn had to eat. I learned to eat out of emotion. It felt good. When nobody listened food was there for me. When Iw as sad food cheered me up. When I was happy, food congratulated me. I have fought through using food "wrong" and medicating with food - I have even confronted my mother. I guess I still harbor a lot of blame. She says it was all "me" that she had nothing to do with it "It's not like I forced you to eat boxes of pasta after school" no..she didn't but how many second graders horde food in their room? I clearly rememebr hiding a full pyrex dish full of dumplings in my drawer one night after dinner. She and my Dad caught me, scolded me....but never considered an underlying issue???? She takes absolutely no responsibility or even acknowledges that she ever had a concern there was a problem. I realize I have to live in the present and make solid choices for myself now, today, and in the future....but do the demons EVER leave you alone...or is it always a tug of war? I feel alone.
I was an awkward, tall, and very skinny kid. Everyone teased me and my grandmother and mom repeptitively told me I was too thin adn had to eat. I learned to eat out of emotion. It felt good. When nobody listened food was there for me. When Iw as sad food cheered me up. When I was happy, food congratulated me. I have fought through using food "wrong" and medicating with food - I have even confronted my mother. I guess I still harbor a lot of blame. She says it was all "me" that she had nothing to do with it "It's not like I forced you to eat boxes of pasta after school" no..she didn't but how many second graders horde food in their room? I clearly rememebr hiding a full pyrex dish full of dumplings in my drawer one night after dinner. She and my Dad caught me, scolded me....but never considered an underlying issue???? She takes absolutely no responsibility or even acknowledges that she ever had a concern there was a problem. I realize I have to live in the present and make solid choices for myself now, today, and in the future....but do the demons EVER leave you alone...or is it always a tug of war? I feel alone.
. It still gets the upper-hand with me on occasion- but those occasions are fewer and farther between now than they've ever been.
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