People like me VS other people

[softnred]

Like a lot of folks, in the past few years I've been dealing with old, destructive mindsets and attitudes. While I'm nowhere near perfect, I'd come to the point where I felt much more comfortable with myself, and I thought that the biggest "weeds" had been rooted out and disposed of.

Then came Christopher. In our hours and hours of talking, I've realized just how many weeds are still there. They seem to come in the form of "people like me", as in:

People like me don't get roses from guys. Those are for other people.

People like me are cute in the BBW world. We're certainly not "mainstream" sexy or lusted after. That's for other people.

People like me don't get to have happy endings and wonderful mates. That's for other people.

People like me don't get to ever be skinny or shop in regular stores. That's for other people.

And the list goes on and on. It's amazing how pervasive the large-size mindset is. We consider ourselves to be second-class citizens in life and that we aren't deserving of the same things that those "other people" get. It's those blasted "fat goggles" all over again, isn't it?

We need to realize that we ARE those "other people" and that we are more than deserving of every single little thing that life has to offer. Instead of simply existing in a shadow or behind a mask, we need to LIVE life and reach for everything our hearts desire.

What are some of the "people like me" mindsets that YOU are dealing with??

[dreamof145]

Re: People like me VS other people

Oh JoAnn,

I'm a people like you too. I can't tell you how many times I saw others getting compliments, roses and wearing clothes that I wished I could have. But in my mind I felt I was destined to do without because a 'fat' person like me didn't deserve those things. You know, I now realize that I was my own worse enemy. Sure, people thought I was fat, because I was. Sure, they probably didn't give me lots of compliments and treat me like I wanted to be treated...because I didn't treat myself like I was worth the effort.

I can't tell you how happy I am that you have such a great guy like Christopher who has made you see that you are worth it and deserve to have the good life. Congratulations, the next year is going to be adventurous and full of wonderful times as you and he marry and begin making a mountain of exciting memories.

"Here's to you and your new life with your soul-mate," said while raising wine glass filled with cold water in your honor.

[fr1endly2]

Re: People like me VS other people

theres alot i can learn from your post.
I guess my fat has kept me in a bad marriage
i guess i feel this is how i deserve to be
treated and put up for a long time what i shouldnt.

SOUNDS like i need to make some changes, and
get what i deserve out of life. THANKS for a nice
post

LISA

[jeepgirl06]

Re: People like me VS other people

We consider ourselves to be second-class citizens in life and that we aren't deserving of the same things that those "other people" get. It's those blasted "fat goggles" all over again, isn't it?

We grew up knowing that it's not okay to make fun of poor people, mentally challenged people, people of different races, but it's totally okay to make fun of "fat" people... and when we became one ourselves, we knew it, and therefore we knew that we were "not okay."

I'm 29, and I just started therapy for all this stuff. My doctor got it through my head that where a healthy minded person thinks of them in-line with most of everyone else, that in my mind, I was below everyone else even though I'm not... this has caused a lot of problems, performance anxiety, shouting to feel heard, binging to make those cries go away for a few minutes... when I finally started to see that I'm a human being just like everyone else and I deserve good things just like everyone else, it started to make a big difference.

We're not below anyone else, and we're not above anyone else... we have just as many talents in really great things that we excel in just as much as pretty people excel in other things... Once I understood this, I sat down and finished my second novel, the first novel I had thrown out because my sister laughed at it. ( I was 14 when I wrote it, and after she laughed, I didn't write again.) My book was completed in a month at 381 pages and is with a well established editor and she absolutly loves it. When she wrote "I would love to live in the world in your book," I about fell out of my chair... I hadn't written in 15 years because I was "AFRAID" to write and fail, because "People like me are stupid." and I'm so just finding out the opposite.

[goin2Bgood]

Re: People like me VS other people

Great post softnred. I can relate too.

[Mary-chan]

Re: People like me VS other people

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I've actually used those exact same words before, "people like me don't get valentine's day gifts" etc.. over and over again. Just another way for me to hide from the real world I guess - make myself into a second class citizen.

It's partly our own mindsets, but it's also partly society too, honestly. 5 years ago, I was down to 180 (the lowest in my adult life), and was being treated so differently then I was at a higher weight. I told myself I would NEVER let my weight stop me from doing things again, even if I happened to gain, and that I would be the same person. Well I gained and I gained, and I tried SO hard to keep the same mentality and outgoing personality, but you know.. I found that the people around me couldn't seem to "get" that I could be overweight and fun too and constantly ignored me or acted condescending towards me. After four years of getting treated like that, it does have it's affects and eventually I just became a total social phobic and became the model image of an overweight girl - quiet and non-intimidating. It makes me SO mad to think about it now and I just want to cry for myself.

Now that I'm losing weight again, even though i'm far from skinny, I find people being nicer to me again and noticing me more. So sad, I really pity those people.

Jeepgirl - CONGRATS on finishing your book, that is such an amazing accomplishment!! You have every right to be proud of yourself!!!

[Lady_Hawke]

Re: People like me VS other people

wow did this post touch a cord deep down. thanks for posting this soft and for everyone's replies. I see some heavy duty thinking ahead for me. wow.

[jeepgirl06]

Re: People like me VS other people

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I've actually used those exact same words before, "people like me don't get valentine's day gifts" etc.. over and over again. Just another way for me to hide from the real world I guess - make myself into a second class citizen.

I just became a total social phobic and became the model image of an overweight girl - quiet and non-intimidating. It makes me SO mad to think about it now and I just want to cry for myself.

Jeepgirl - CONGRATS on finishing your book, that is such an amazing accomplishment!! You have every right to be proud of yourself!!!

First, *blush* thanks!


Part of the reason I'm back into gear and roaring to go is something that a friend and I had a major discussion about....

All though I'm overweight, I'm very outgoing and friendly to those who have accepted me exactly as I am.. the others can just go to h-e double hocky sticks... however, it's so hard to be in a social situation where you don't know anyone, all you want to do is run and hide...

This friend of mine's sister is an old friend of mine as well. She's as overweight as me, but we realized that there's a very big difference about her and I, and others. She's lost her passion and her fire inside... there's kinda this black hole around her that we'd love to pull her out of, but she has a tendancy to kinda suck us in and we have to distance ourselves from her. She and I weigh about 280, her brother is 450 pounds and in the hospital a lot... he says "I'm fat for a reason, if God wants me to be thin he would change something and make me thin...." and she's got about the same attitude... no fire, no drive, no passion, waiting for something or someone else to do the work for them....

That's when I got my butt in gear. I may have a tremendous spark of life in me, but I'm not waiting around for someone to fix me and make it all better. Life just doesn't work like that.

After a very long discussion, my friend and I have decided to care about her as we always did, but when she's in her slump ( which is always) we're just going to tell her "If you want to get better, you'll get better, we have faith in you and that's that." and then drop the subject.

I think that everyone who is here, on this board, has the fire, passion and desire to make a difference. You would not be here if you didn't... I'm proud of all of you.

[Curveegrrl]

Re: People like me VS other people

softnred, I had to re-read your post several times to make sure *I* hadn't written it. That is how I feel so much of the time.

People like me are not attractive. Men do not like people like me.
People like me are not feminine. "Real" women are little and delicate.
People like me should be satisfied with what they have. They shouldn't strive for something more.

And on really good days [/sarcasm] it changes from "people like me," to "I."

How do we change these mindsets?

[Momtofour]

Re: People like me VS other people

I know exactly what you mean. We all come here to lose weight in the beginning, but end up changing every aspect of our lives. Great post!