Friday Funnies

[Starmaker]

Bathroom scale diet tricks

1. Weigh yourself fully clothed after dinner and again the next morning without clothes and before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight!

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including eyeglasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget to remove jewellery as it could weigh as much as a pound!

4. Buy only cheap scales, never the medical kind. Accuracy is the enemy and high quality scales are very accurate.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for up to half a pound of hair (hopefully).

7. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale. (Air has weight, right?)

8. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto a towel rod slowly edge your other foot onto the scale while slowly releasing the towel rod. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped onto the scale normally.

[Starmaker]

Re: Friday Funnies

Top Ten Reasons Why Diets Are Better Than Sex

10. You don't have to take off your clothes.
9. You can go from diet to diet without feeling guilty.
8. Celery is ALWAYS hard.
7. On a deit, you carefully consider everything you put in your mouth.
6. It's GOOD if a diet is over quickly.
5. Dieting doesn't make you pregnant.
4. You can doze off in the middle if you want to.
3. It's okay if your dog watches.
2. You can do it with your best friend's husband.

And the number one reason why dieting is better than sex....

1. You don't have to worry if it was good for the cottage cheese too.

[Terry]

Re: Friday Funnies

I have personally done several of those things.

[Starmaker]

Re: Friday Funnies

Food and Heaven


This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in low carb food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low carb and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick, carbs are ok, This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted flax muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

[Terry]

Re: Friday Funnies

I would like to clarify that when I posted, the first joke was the only one on the thread. As for the second joke.................... I can totally relate to that too. Now to back track and read the third one......

[Terry]

Re: Friday Funnies

And to keep em going, I got this in my email tonight:


WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry
your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband
refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most
evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how
you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the
hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom
and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers
that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife She directs him
down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag
of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says,
confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your
wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my
wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came
back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's
sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my
own ............ so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of
mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives
of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." A husband read an
article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000
to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because
we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded,
"Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be
attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then
we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband
said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do
it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, y ou should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't
believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"


The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that
the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an
early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break
the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake
me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The
next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the
bed. The paper said, "It is 5 :00AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT..

[Starmaker]

Re: Friday Funnies

Hoo BOY those were GOOD! lolol

[Natasha]

Re: Friday Funnies

Star girl....you are hilarious...hahahahahahahahahaahaha I luve the one about why diet is better than sex.....

[Bugaboo]

Re: Friday Funnies

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how
you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the
hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Oh my gosh...that cracked me up! Thanks for the funnies!

[Weighless]

Re: Friday Funnies

Funny! Thanks for the afternoon chuckles.


Came across this one the other day...forgot I had stashed it away til I read your funnies.

[psigna]

Re: Friday Funnies

Funny! Thanks for the afternoon chuckles.


Came across this one the other day...forgot I had stashed it away til I read your funnies.

I have this very cartoon in my office on the bulletin board!!!

[Terry]

Re: Friday Funnies

cute!

true!

[Brook]

Re: Friday Funnies

The paper said, "It is 5 :00AM. Wake up."

I'm gonna use that.