Good Morning all.

[Desertthorn]

I swear, why can't I say no. I worked all day and the gal that had the night shift wanted to climb Ft Fuji so I volunteered to work tonight. THEN i remembered I promised to teach CPR tomorrow,(Saturday) So, Im going to pull and all dayer, all nighter and then an all dayer. I am going to be one crabbie lady tomorrow.
Lucky for me I have you all to keep me company AND, I am able to work from my home tonight and sitting in my jammies also.
So, does anyone have any good jokes......

[Terry]

Re: Good Morning all.

Heres one I got just this morning in my email Desert.....
enjoy!


Subject: A bedtime story


I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed, thinking about you,
I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't
forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and
calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling
sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without
any reservations, you lay on my naked body... You sensed my
indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt
or humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but
to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings,
making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...



...........................you f*#!*# mosquito.
> .

[Terry]

Re: Good Morning all.

This should help keep you awake for a few more minutes!

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry
your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband
refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most
evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how
you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the
hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom
and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers
that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife She directs him
down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag
of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says,
confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your
wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my
wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came
back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's
sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my
own ............ so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of
mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives
of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." A husband read an
article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000
to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because
we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded,
"Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be
attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then
we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband
said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do
it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, y ou should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't
believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"


The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that
the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an
early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break
the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake
me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The
next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the
bed. The paper said, "It is 5 :00AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece.

[mcotton]

Re: Good Morning all.

Are you in the nursing field? I am and I teach CPR/first aid/AED as well. You are truely in for a long haul. When I was younger, I use to do stuff like that all the time. Not good for ya. Well here is my joke (it is corney too).....

There are these two green beans wanting to cross the intersection. The one green bean says "I am going for it" and proceeds across the road and gets hit by a car. They rush him to the hospital and the doc comes out and tells the other green bean, "I got good news and bad news". "The good news is, your buddy is going to make it, but the bad news is...he's going to be a vegetable".

I know...corney. Hey take care of yourself and get some rest when ya can.
Michele

[Sarah1341]

Re: Good Morning all.

Okay, this one is corny too, but got it in an email today:

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?
>>
>>This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep
>>trying it
>>at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your
>>But you can't!!!
>>
>>
>>1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor
>>and make clockwise circles with it.
>>
>>
>>2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
>>right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!
>>
>>
>>I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.

[womanpraised]

Re: Good Morning all.

Okay... in the vein of corney vegetable jokes....

Two potatoes are on a street corner. One is a hooker, the other her pimp. How can you tell which is which?

The hooker has a sticker that says Idaho.


YOu have to do this to someone else, but it makes me laugh every time. Walk up to someone and say "ask me if Im a watermelon".. when they ask, and they will, say "NO!" and walk away. THis sets me off every time.

And my favorite one to tell my kiddos, when I was in youth developemnt...
What did the fishy say when it ran into rock...

Nothing. Fish dont talk.

[Natasha]

Re: Good Morning all.

Awww DT...u gotta slow down girl....But I can tell you so corney jokes if u like...lol

Knock Knock.....


U say: Who's there?


BOO


U Say: Boo hoo



Booo hooooo boi DT needs some sleep......*everyone falls into laughter*


Thanks You Thank Your and Goodnight....lol

[womanpraised]

Re: Good Morning all.

he Pope has just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Since the chauffeur really doesn't have much of a choice, he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 MPH, and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of the highway patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.

The trooper, seeing who it is, says, 'Just a moment please, I need to call in.' The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.

'It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?' asks the chief.

'No Sir!' replies the trooper, 'This guy's more important.'

'Is it the Governor?' asks the chief.

'No! Even more important!' replies the trooper.

'Is it the PRESIDENT??? asks the chief.

'No! Even more important!' replies the trooper.

'Well WHO THE HECK is it?' screams the chief.

'I don't know Sir.' replies the trooper, 'but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur.'

[Finelly]

Re: Good Morning all.

When my younger daughter was about 3, she discovered knock-knock jokes. But she had her own style. Here's the one that used to set us off:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Light.
Light who?
Light bulb.
<then she would laugh hysterically, and we would crack up as well.......>

[womanpraised]

Re: Good Morning all.

he Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[Sarah1341]

Re: Good Morning all.

WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH: (WOW this is true...)

1. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE MY PURSE IS.

2. I BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH MY ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING MY BUTT
WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. I'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED I WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S *** AND HONESTLY
BELIEVE I COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN MY LAST TRIP TO PEE, I REALIZE I NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS I WAS JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

5. I DROP MY 3:00 A.M. SUBMARINE SANDWICH ON THE FLOOR (WHICH I'M
EATING EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND CARRY ON EATING IT.

6. I START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE I SEE THAT I LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

7. I GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

8. I'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO ME.

9. THE MAN I'M FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE MY 5TH GRADE TEACHER.

10. THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, STAND ON A TABLE AND
SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING.

11. MY EYES JUST DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO I
KEEP THEM HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXOTICALLY SEXY.

12. I'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

13. I YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO (I THINK) CHEATED ME BY GIVING ME
JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

14. I THINK I'M IN BED, BUT MY PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR

15. I START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING, "DON'T TAKE THIS THE
WRONG WAY BUT..."

16. I FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN I SIT ON IT.

17. MY HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES.

18. I'M TIRED SO I JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER I HAPPEN TO BE
STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.

19. I BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON MY BUTTON FLY PANTS TO
CUTDOWN ON THE TIME I'M IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM MY DRINK.

20. I TAKE MY SHOES OFF BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT I'M
HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

[earlychildhoodeducator]

Re: Good Morning all.

how do you make holly water?



Boil the **** out of it


short and sweet

[Terry]

Re: Good Morning all.

Sarah I am sure that I managed several of the items on that list .... when I was younger of course. I am sure I remember doing the last one!

Desert... It these didnt keep you awake then honey nothing will!