Failure

[Lola007]

So here's my story. I have 10 lbs left to lose. Lost 65-70 (up-down 5lbs) in a year or so...much applause, that's wonderful I know - I'm proud and grateful and love the WOL and all that jazz...but I'm starting to self-loathe.
I've been on-off, up-down, in-out since April. I can't figure out how to jump back in effectively. I changed to low-cal, low-carb, fruit & veggie, lean meat type diet for an extra 5 lbs (that I couldn't keep off). Now I don't know how to get back in. Do I go back to induction? I try that and I give up after 1 week when I see no results. Scale, clothes, doesn't move. Then I get discouraged and depressed. Today I pigged out after a great week, cookies, lasagna, cake, frosting licking...ugh! all in one day! I binged. And I feel terrible. I weigh 150 lbs but I feel like 350. I think like 350. My food addiction today feels like I imagine a drug addict feels like. I'm discouraged. I'm sad when I think this WOL may not get me to goal. I know the scale shouldn't count, but it's an emotional issue for me. I need to reach goal in order to believe I will never be obese again. Can I get into ketosis again after playing the on-off game? Is it not as simple as it was for me last year? all the meat and fat I want? lol Breakfast sausage, eggs, mayo, chicken wings. Is this not where I need to be? I FEEL SO PSYCHO. I hate this addiction.

[LooseShoes]

Re: Failure

I don't know if I have any words of great wisdom, but I do sympathise. It's hard to re-gain the same fire we had at the start when you're less than 10 pounds away. I'm sure you are feeling better and look great. You're going to have to reach down deep and decide that you really WANT to lose the extra pounds. Make a list of why it's important to you and look at it every day. You have to decide that this IS forever and the sugar and white flour are never going to be good for you. You didn't feel better after cheating--find other ways to deal with frustration. Exercise, come on the board, talk to a friend--those can make you feel better. The bad carbs just make you feel bad and then have feelings of depression and failure. No one can do it for you, but we will support you! You've done terrific to lose over 60 pounds--that wasn't easy and you worked hard. You ARE worth it.

[Brook]

Re: Failure



Lola, you're my song. It's time to

I removed over 90lbs of fat, called goal.... me! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And then life struck and I smacked 20lbs back on my in about a minute. It took me from Dec 04 to Sept 05 to find my way back on the wagon. Granted, it was "only" 20lbs of the over 90lbs I'd removed ..but . 20lbs is 20lbs - and 2 sizes for me. It took me from Sept to December to remove those 20lbs and I worked my off.

Fast forward. Life happened again. What happened? Smacked 19lbs back on my big . Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. I did that between May 06 to August 07. Granted...it took me over a year to put those 19lbs back on... none the less...it's still 19lbs. I finally found my way back.

Now mind you, I spent 2 1/2 years on plan. I never waivered. I was a notorious Atkins fanatic. Cheat?? HOW DARE YOU? Fall off the wagon? MAKE A CHOICE. And then it happened to me. Let me just say it provided me with a whole new appreciation for being human.

When I started, I quit smoking, gave up caffeine, lost 90lbs, and was Queen of the Universe. Ohhhhhhh how the mighty have fallen.

Look, the point to all of this is this......we are NOT failures until we stop trying. Ya fall off the wagon and you do what you need to do to get back on.

It *is* an addiction. I get the self loathing. I get using food to both reward and punish myself. I've been battling an ED for over 20 years and when , I struggle like mad to not fall back into those self-loathing behaviors. It sucks. But what is the alternative? Stop trying? Give in? I'm better than that and so are you.

Here's what I can tell you that has worked for me both times I've fallen on my @ss. I sit down, write out my goals in detailed form, I plan two weeks worth of induction menus, I make sure I get the shopping done, talk to the people closest to me and let them know I'm likely to be a real pain in the butt for a few days (it's only fair to warn them cuz I love them ) and get it done.

We are NOT failures until we stop trying.

So? Get busy, lady. You've got work to do.

[Sera]

Re: Failure

Hi Lola...you know I'm wondering if you do indeed weigh in at 150 pounds and you are my height, do you really think you need to lose another 10 pounds?
you see you are actually at the point I will call goal in some months (hopefully) and that is a goal I adjusted after finding out that I have a large frame and in all probability wont get much below those 150.
You might want to try and find out what kind of body frame you have just to see if your goal is realistic.
I don't know how you look with those 150 pounds but not everyone is made to fit into a tiny pair of jeans...I'm one of those people
I know this was not what you wanted to hear and maybe you have a small frame and really should lose those 10 pounds but you need be realistic here...those last pounds are the hardest for everyone so close to goal and you won't lose them in a couple of weeks.
Dont freak yourself out, I'm sure you look great already.
Remember you wont have any waterweight to lose now, you've lost that a long time ago so its impossible to see a quick weightloss right at your re-start.
If I were you, I'd take a couple of days of induction to get back into ketosis (this should be possible even after your on-off time) and then maybe start climbing the rungs again.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you good luck with it and from one scale addict to another: Dont forget to measure (seeing those inches go often is the only thing that keeps me motivated)

[Outback Jess]

Re: Failure

Hi Lola,
I'm glad you came and poured your heart out. I have not been "there" to the extend that Brook has written about, but I've thrown alot of success away myself. That being said, I know for me my first thought was: simplify and get back to the basic goals.
Are you following the simple goals in your siggy? Are you drinking that water, going to the gym, can you come and post more.
Calmly go after these small things, and rope them back into your life. Right now it's keeping your own promises to yourself, once we loose that, we know we are sunk!
Keep posting and participating, go all over the boards, slowly make a transition from being surrounded by your problem and all the emotion that is swirling and come here and cheer others on...I believe it will lift your spirit and refocus you!

[Lola007]

Re: Failure

LOOSESHOES: Thanks for the post. Those carbs DO make me feel bad. I'm bloated, depressed, and feeling fat again. I realize the last 10 are usually hard for everyone, but I guess after a lifetime of being overweight, my success story is being out"weighed" by my shortcomings. I will continue to post, thanks for your support.

Brook: Thanks for making me laugh with those funny icons, and for taking the time. My ED stems from childhood, and it's just ONE of the issues I face as an adult that hinder my daily life. I know I've done great, I haven't been this size since high school. I think I just haven't quite been able get back to that obsessive mode I was in ~ which I loved being in! I guess this WOL was so easy for me that when I got to this point, I expected it to be easy. I excercised my butt off, personal trainer and everything HARD CORE for over a year, and I'm not doing that anymore. I stopped after a few months of no scale movement. Anyway, you're right, I need to start working hard again because I was staring in the mirror quite a bit, staring at my new chest muscles and tricep definition! (gone now) I'll find my motivation here to get my $hit together!

Sera: Thank you. I do need those 10 lbs. I'm medium framed (went thru life thinking otherwise!) I squeeze into some 6's. But it's really my belly. My pants look pretty small, until I wear them, sit down and see the tire roll over. I think I look bigger than 150 and size 6 -8. I know others my weight and size that look "skinny" to me and I could never imagine fitting into "their" pants! I never measure, I guess I should get a tape measure, huh? I need to hide my scale, for its own safety. It's glass, and I fantasize taking a hammer to it! Thanks for your support!

Jess: I thought getting back to basics would be just that, BASIC. I made the mistake of getting atkins bars to re-start. They were part of my original plan so I figured they wouldn't be a problem. According to posts here, they're a no-no, so I figure, that's step 1 to eliminate, once I finish the box of course! They are a comfort food for me. But once out of site, out of mind. I guess my re-start mission has led me to believe that this WOL may not work for me anymore - that my body won't respond the same. I know I haven't commited to the point to declare failure. I guess I'm trying to justify my failure. But if everyone is convinced that my body will cooperate this time around and that this on-off thing won't hinder me ~ then full force I will go.
QUESTION: do i go high fat again, or should I be consuming less fat because of my weight/BMI? do i start induction as if i were starting from day 1 all over again?

thanks for the post guys ~ it was a great way to start the day. God bless.

[bykerdruid]

Re: Failure

I think I just haven't quite been able get back to that obsessive mode I was in ~ which I loved being in!

I don't have any words of wisdom that would do any better than what's already been said to you. I remember Brook from way back when she was my idol (and still is, but I've added others to the list! LOL. Good work on the emoticons, too, Brook. I wish they'd fix the ones on thd ADBB!)

Anyway, I just HAD to respond to the above quoted statement. After you said that, a bell went *ding ding ding* and I thought..."THAT'S it!" That was how I was last time on this WOE. OBSESSIVE! I LOVED it. I couldn't get enough of it and I couldn't quit talking about it and singing the praises of Atkins. I'm not that far into it this time, but perhaps I need to become more obsessive. I felt SO great last time and I'm feeling better every day this time.

Don't focus on the weight you can't loose so much as you focus on how great you feel (and how bad you feel when you binge like that) and how great this WOE/WOL is for your health and well being. It's not just a diet, it's a WAY OF LIFE! And I LOVE it!

[Lola007]

Re: Failure

Bykerdruid, thank you. I sure drove people nuts with the obsession! I was even questioned if I planned on being anorexic. Imagine the roar of laughter ~ me anorexic! But don't be shocked to know, that I too wondered if I'd end up with the reverse eating disorder! But never that ~ I'm not even close to being underweight, nor do I desire that, I just want to be obsessed with my health and excercise regimen again! So, goal 1, live-eat-breath atkins all over again!

[jitterbug134]

Re: Failure

No words of wisdome here Lola, just support. Sounds like you know what to do and I think you will do it! Sending low carb vibes your way!

[Discolemonade]

Re: Failure

Everything I would say to you has been said. You are the only one who can do this for you. You own the hand that feeds you. Take control from your desire for food and give it to your desire for health.

[dreamof145]

Re: Failure

Don't look back....look ahead. Make plans to succeed...keep going, get active here with friends who will help you stay motivated and focused on succeeding.

It can happen, you've done so well already...you are worth the effort.

Find out what obstacles make you 'fall' and what excites you about reaching goal. Make solutions to overcome the obstacles and ways to keep the spark of success alive.

You can do it. We're all here to listen, help and share your journey with you.

[Outback Jess]

Re: Failure

Well instead of induction how about going to rung one, with is the extra veggies...and start there.
Obsessive, I get that one all too well, sounds like that means BURNOUT....
What can you do to come out of burn out?

About a year ago I realized, as I was turning 50!!!! That I can't make good choices when I am highly emotional. It was a huge lightbulb of lightbulbs...So, I started to teach myself to calm down, and or stay calm...and take things from there.
When we are charged up emotionally, we over commit or over react! But we rarely can act out something balanced...
YOu are way out of balance right now, and it's at the other end of the spectrum, from successfully obsessively in control, to a sense of out of control, (if I am reading your posts right)...
We always want to FIX IT NOW! and see INSTANT RESULTS...
But, what if you stepped back and regrouped, and just "went forward"...GO FORWARD FROM HERE, calmly and maturly if possible....It usually takes me a while to get mature about something too.
I mean no offense by this, and truthfully this is just my prescription for my own behaviors.

[LessofLisa]

Re: Failure

Support coming from here also...Great Post everyone....Brook..your post was RIGHT ON!!!

[angelawillbethinagain]

Re: Failure

Lola, I know exactly how you are feeling right now!!! All I can tell you is NOT to give up. This losing weight business is sooo hard. You are going to have triumphs and set backs ongoing... I was ready to give up last week. I really was. But I got a lot of support and it made me realize that I am worth it. I cannot give up, then I die. If I give up, I let myself down. I let my kids and family down. I have realized that making small, reasonable goals is key. Toss that darn scale out the window. Realize that the inches you are losing are more important than the number on the scales. The way your clothes fit. The way you feel lighter adn not as heavy and bloated. PLEASE think tonight of what you really want to accomplish for yourself. Your heart has GOT to be in this 100%. I thought I had dedicated myself to atkins and losing weight before, but after last week I was at my honest to god breaking point!! I did heavy thinking, and I realized that I had no choice but to stay in the game and do it for my health and my life. YOU CAN DO IT!!! I will support you in any way I can!!

[Lola007]

Re: Failure

Thank all of you, really, from the bottom of my heart. I will take ALL of your advice! For right now it's one day at a time. I've had a successful day. I'm trying to make my meals a little more interesting and desirable. I fought off the bad guy today - left over birthday cake. I had the moment of, "screw it, just eat it all and get rid of it!" but I knew if I gave in, it would just be something else later, tomorrow, and so on. So I said no to my drug and I do feel accomplished. I'm overwhelmed by the responses. Its amazing how everyone goes throught the same stages and recognizes them instantly, and I'm so grateful for a place that my insanity really isn't that insane. There's no one else that can quite understand the obsessiveness, or "burnout" as Jess put it, and the struggles of just walking past a cookie crumb. Thanks again guys. I'm going to the gym tonight.