Can anyone relate...i need to restart?

[Debismyname]

Hi all

This morning I had one of those 'wow' moments when I was notified by an e-mail at my work that I had a private message waiting for me at the ADBB, congratulating me on my one year anniversary as a member and asking me to drop by sometime and say hi.

It was a 'wow' moment because now, more than ever, I need the support and encouragement of the Bulletin Board…..I'm going through a really hard time and have been trying to go it alone.

Some of you may remember me, I've written before and opened up about my binge/ emotional eating and the swinging cycle I've been caught up in---- swinging from 'extreme binging' to 'extreme undereating'. For those who don't know me, I can tell you that basically- for the past 8 - 9 yrs - I have been in a cycle whereby I will eat and eat and eat (feeling sick, bloated, foggy in my mind, vague, depressed, detached from society, guilty and having heart palpitations). After months on that cycle, I find myself scared and panic at a 'big' event that appears on the horizon. After my last binge cycle….that big event was my wedding. Riddled with fear at being 'fat', dying before the wedding from over-eating and guilt about who I am and how I behave, I found myself slipping into the other cycle of extreme undereating and exercising. That cycle consists of having one meal of atkins food a day and doing cardio for 3 - 4 hours a day, seven days a week. Yes, that cycle has always led to success- for my wedding I lost 30 pounds in 3 weeks…..but at what expense? Although I felt happy to get rid of the weight, I was vomitting daily, feeling dizzy and had very abnormal blood tests which scared me. After one of these cycles and after I get to my desired weight goal I always tell myself I will maintain the weight but introduce more food and reduce exercise so I can be healthier and feeling better. Of course that never happens….instead what happens is that I go off on a binge cycle and stop exercise all together…..i eat all sugary foods in sight, gain 40 or 50 pounds and the whole 'fat', guilty, unable to change, 'I'm a failure' mentality kicks back in. Before I know it I'm back to square one.

This has happened about 6 times the past 8 years…...

The problem now is this. I'm back at my highest weight and as I said, the 'I can't do it', I'cant stop binging', I'm fat, I'm worthless etc etc thoughts are back in full force. Not only do these thoughts appear but I actually believe them which in turns makes me gain more and more weight…..I ask myself why but don't have any clear answers. I eat when I'm happy, sad, fearful. Angry and feeling anything else in between. Whilst I might start to eat because I feel deprived, I then keep going day after day and month after month even though I get over the deprivation and I eat until I get sicker and sicker….sometimes I feel I 'deserve' to eat and other times I'm ready to harm myself because I'm so angry and feel so guilty…..its a crazy world I'm in at times….and at times I even feel its like a self-sabotage or rebellion….

The thing that scares me the most now is that unlike other times, I now have no 'big' event coming up to motivate me and get me into one of my healthy kicks. So, I basically binge non-stop. I sneak food at every chance and when I eat, I do so in private- I do this because I feel ashamed of myself. I also don't catch up with friends or family because I feel ashamed at my sudden and extreme weight gain after the wedding.

I know that the negative self talk doesn't help at all and that I have managed to lose weight in the past but I have to say that I feel as stuck as ever and am so scared that I will just keep gaining and gaining and gaining…..

Anyway- I guess you all get the drift of what I am saying…..i guess that’s why I said I had a 'wow' moment when I saw the e-mail inviting me back to the ADBB….it was almost as if someone knew I needed the help and support offered here….



Thank you for listening and please feel free to suggest/ offer any encouragement or strategies if you think you can- I am willing to listen and take it onboard- I need it so much….

God bless you all and good luck with your own endeavours…

[huggija]

Re: Can anyone relate...i need to restart?

Deb,

Welcome back...I'm so glad you had that 'wow' moment. Since you've been here before, you know that it's THE place to be; supportive, motivational, etc. I think your key is to be able to do this WITHOUT a 'big event'. But when you think about it, your LIFE is a big event, right?

I think your best bet is to read DANDR and follow it religiously; do not go overboard in any direction (i.e., under eat, over exercise). I do know exactly how you feel; I've done the same thing with sneak eating, beating myself up and making it worse. Being out of control and feeling there's no way to get back IN control. It's an endless cycle of misery.

But with focus and support, you can do it! You can get out of this cycle and feel healthy and happy. You'll regain your energy and enthusiasm for life. I look forward to your posts and hearing about your progress.

[meena-beena]

Re: Can anyone relate...i need to restart?

Boy do I hear you loud and clear. You need to get into DANDR and READ IT. You are suffering so badly because of your addiction to sugar. It's much like an alcoholic--only alcoholics don't need to drink to live. We need food to survive.

You need to give yourself two DEDICATED weeks of CLEAN induction. It's not easy to do. It takes a lot of determination to get through it and a ton of support but I promise that if you give your body those two weeks to heal you will feel better mentally and physically. You may even drop a few pounds, but the mental clarity will be astounding. You will no longer have cravings or feel like there is a fog in your mind.

Having said that, you'll need to eat in order to complete a clean induction---no undereating is allowed. If you do that, you run the risk of sabatoging yourself further down the line.

Only you can give yourself that gift and we are here to be your shoulder to cry on or your cheerleader. I wish you the best of luck on your journey!

[Debismyname]

Re: Can anyone relate...i need to restart?

Thanks very much guys...I wasn't expecting such quick replies- i'm so grateful you both wrote to me and felt the urge to reach out to me like you did.

I'm sorry if this is a silly question but can you tell me what DANDR is? I'm assuming its an Atkins book? I've seen it written down before but never asked- i was too embarassed. I never learnt about atkins from a book- rather from my husband who is a chinese herbalist and told me that he had seen many patients who had spoken about atkins and how successful it had been for them. Anyway....when it was time for e to do atkins in the past, i just printed off the atkins diet and inductions food list etc from the internet- i've never read the book so maybe it is time.

I'm glad that you guys can relate and understand me when i talk about the cravings and inability to stop. You're right- even the first hours seem so hard- it feels like i will literally die if i don't have the 'cake' or whetever. My mind plays so many tricks like this on me....but at times i just sit back and don't even challenge these thoughts....they are like breathing to me- they just hijack my brain without me even noticing....

Enough for now sorry to go on and on....

thank you once again to both of you and i hope to write more frequently and get on track as you both suggest....
Love and hugs and have a lovely day/ night
Deb
xo

[Brook]

Re: Can anyone relate...i need to restart?

Deb, your description sounds like much more than a simple carb addiction (not that it's simple to deal with) - but bordering on, if not full fledged eating disordered behavior.

Have you discussed any of this with a counselor or your doctor? If you haven't, I'd strongly suggest you take that step. I know it's scary, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel that's not an oncoming train and you may well need more tools than DANDR to slay your dragons.

I know. - It takes one to know one, Deb.

There is by far more strength in asking for the help you need than pretending you can do it alone. You've taken the first step. Make the phone call tomorrow and take the second step. You deserve it.


~Brook

[meena-beena]

Re: Can anyone relate...i need to restart?

I've had moments of food lapsed amnesia--where I would devour an entire 2 pound thing of cookies and swear it was the kids who ate them all when I would go to grab a few and the bag was empty.

I've also had compulsions where I needed physically to eat sweets. If I didn't I would get sick and shaky. I never understood why I was this way until I went to see my doctor. Dr. Atkins recommends that you begin your Atkins journey with a trip to the doctor for a full physical and exam. I strongly urge you to talk to your doctor about what you've discussed here with us. Perhaps there are things that are going on with you than just a simple strong desire to eat sweets. There are things that can be checked like you thyroid or your metabolism, etc. that we just can't help you out with.

Oh, and DANDR stands for Doctor Atkins New Diet Revolution. (2002 edition) You can pick it up at any bookstore for around 8 dollars US.

[dreamof145]

Re: Can anyone relate...i need to restart?

Hi Deb. Welcome back to the board. So happy that you've come in and are looking for solutions to help you get healthy and fit. DANDR is Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution, edition 2002 book. I do recommend that you read it as it will tell you exactly how the program is done. Dr. Atkins didn't want anyone to avoid eating, overdo exercise - and he devised the program in a way that we can enjoy delicious foods, overcome our cravings and understand how our bodies use the foods we eat to get healthy.

I also believe that consulting a doctor about your obsessive exercising and binging should be the first step in breaking the cycle. Having a trained doctor check in with on a regular basis with professional advice and monitoring your progress is a big help in overcoming eating disorders.

Keeping a positive attitude is half the battle. You've come to the right place for support and encouragement to make it happen. You aren't alone. We're all here for you.

[Outback Jess]

Re: Can anyone relate...i need to restart?

Hi Deb, you've got some sound advice here. It does sound like you have a very long term problem here with these cycles. Thanks for feeling you could share indepth with us. I agree with Brook, you need to seek out higher level help than just our boards here. Take full advantage of the "wow moment" and look into ways you can really tackle not only the cycles but what truly controls the deeper motivations for these cycles. There is freedom, but it will be hard fought for...

[Evermind]

Re: Can anyone relate...i need to restart?

Deb, I'm glad you're here.

Before you do anything else, like start this way of eating, or go shopping for food, GET THE BOOK.

No, seriously, DO NOT START until you READ THE BOOK.

Read it ALL. You need to know what you are getting into, why you are in the place you are, and how you are going to get out. It will really help you set the structure for doing this THE RIGHT WAY.

In the meantime, read as many of the posts here as you feel like. Post often. Ask questions. Find a couple of mentors - people who post here with whom you think you could have a good rapport, people who seem to know what they are doing and have had success, people who would be willing to coach you as you go.

NOW GO TO THE BOOKSTORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mommagoose]

Re: Can anyone relate...i need to restart?

Hello Deb. I have also been bulemic and anorexic and I know how both can ruin your life. As a twenty year old I weighed 118 pounds. I would go days with out eating. Unfortunately this set me up for my current problem of being unable to lose the weight I gained over eating. I began overeating when my first husband was sick and on dialysis. It was so sad watching him die at 27 years old, of kidney failure I ate and ate and ate. My highest weight was 236 pounds. Five years after my husbands death , I married my college best friend. He had also gain considerable weight since college and he loves to cook. Together we decided to go on the Atkins plan. We both lost 55 pounds and all was fine until last year when our farm was destroyed by a flood. We were unable to stick to our eating plan and fell off the Atkins wagon. In less than 6 months my weight was back up to 228 pounds. I tried councelling to learn how to deal with stress and I am on medication for depression ( which contributes to weight gain) Since I restarted Atkins I have lost 16 pounds but it is definitly not easier this time around. I am having a very difficult time staying on track.
If you are able , it may be a good idea for you to get some councelling too. You may need to talk about the things that make you want to binge and get a handle on your stressors. I wish you good health.
Linda