Lost my way..

[Aussieinaz]

Well as you can probably see from my signature I have been doing pretty good and working out and doing Atkins, I’ve been trying to stick on induction. The past couple of weeks I got busy and fell off the wagon so to speak and ate some fruit I cut up for my daughter and had a couple mouth full’s of her snacks. I didn’t cheat majorly like go nuts and eat what I want when I want, but this was a habit I started to get into every day for the past week or so. But in my mind I was OK cause I checked and I was still in Ketoses so I’m losing right? And I wasn’t really cheating but NO.. so fast forward to yesterday....

So yesterday (Friday) I had my first horse riding lesson in 4 years to get back on track and start my goal of riding again and becoming a Para Equestrian. For those of you that don’t know I am in a wheelchair from a horse riding accident 19 years ago. I want to lose the weight and ride again and compete at the world games in 2010 and compete at the Para Olympics in 2012 in England. So yesterday was my first ride back to reaching this goal. I felt good and rode well shocking myself and my instructor. My good friends was there and telling me how good I looked on the horse and how well I rode. I was so excited and she took photos and some video of me riding. I cant even explain how HORRIFIED I was when I saw them and how fat I was. OMG it was disgusting to see myself like that. I’m 5’8 and down to 160/161 but I looked so much heavier and my arse was spilling over the saddle and my gut sticking out. I just wanted to cry right there and then and even typing it makes me want to cry. I am so disappointed in how I looked. I don’t feel that fat, I feel good and see myself thinner but I don’t have full length mirrors in my house. I went so far as to go into photo shop last night and work on the pictures taken yesterday and shaved off some of my big arse and stomach sticking out so I wasn’t so embarrassed to show people expecting to see the pictures like family, close friends and my sponsors. I feel so guilty for doing that like I’m just a big fake, I lied about what I really look like. But the feeling of embarrassment was so strong I had to do it.

I’m normally a very positive person and always find my glass half full, but today I’m just feeling like such a loser and not the good kind.. lol I’m going to sit down and re think every thing and what I’m doing wrong and re apply myself in a different way. I have to get this weight off there is no quitting or giving up. I have sponsors now and people that believe in me and have put up money, products and services to help me so I cant just back out nor do I want to. But I need to really get myself together and committed again and back on track with NO MORE just a small bite way of thinking.

Anyway I love this site and know there are lots of others on here going through the same thing as me and understand where I am coming from. I’m hoping to lean on those people that understand and get past this and become the success I know I can achieve. I guess I just fell flat on my butt and now its time to wipe the tears, dust off my butt and get going and do what needs to be done.

If you got this far thank you for listening/reading my post. So with all that said I guess this will be my 2nd time around

[HulaMom]

Re: Lost my way..

Aloha,
I cannot relate to everything that you are going through but I do know the devastation of looking at a photo, or looking in the mirror and realizing that you do not look like how you feel. This summer, I had a similar experience where a photo would not tell a lie. It was part of the inspiration to relaunch a journey into health. It can be a good thing to have a wake-up call like that.

At the same time, it is also moments like these that are special and mark our lives. You were very proud at that moment when the photo was taken to be reclaiming something that you love. I was so proud for you when I read your description of the event. I think, in your mind, you want it all to be perfect. The photo didn't live up to that expectation. You're making a negative out of an incredible achievement on your part.

I'm a firm believe that we need to CELEBRATE the positive. Let yourself rejoice for what you have accomplished. Getting back on that horse and having an elegant ride is a true success. It brought you immense joy. You are entitled to that joy, pride, and sense of fulfillment. Do not cheat yourself of it!

The photo should be something you treasure for yourself, as a moment of accomplishment and a special time in your life. You are also making tremendous progress on Atkins, and you will continue to be successful. In another 6 months, you will look even better on that horse. You will be able to look back on your first ride as a true beginning of a new chapter in your life.

It takes a lot of courage to love ourselves in spite of our flaws. We tend to see our flaws magnified. We are our harshest critics. There is not a friend near you who would look at that photo and see anything other than a miraculous achievement and your inner beauty. Yet we tend to see the worst in ourselves even at our shining moments. Humanity is imperfect, and we are each an example of that. Yet we are human. We strive to goodness, we hope for success. We despair in our imperfections. Our challenge is to love ourselves even in our failures. To forgive ourselves our shortcomings. To continue to strive for our highest goals, and to celebrate the small achievements along the way.

When I read your story, I was very inspired. You are a true role model and an accomplished person. I admire you for your goals and your dedication to achieving them. I also recognize the high expectation that you hold for yourself. It is your gift that calls you to higher levels, and it is your nemesis that singles out your flaws. Control it and make it work for YOU but don't let this drive consume you with negativity. You have the power over how you feel. I have these same issues and I will always work hard in my life to achieve a balance.

A big hug to you!!

[SandyL2002]

Re: Lost my way..

I don't know what to say.. Have your down day today...but you can do this and those 20lbs will be off before you know it..

[Tomorrow_I'll_Be_Perfect]

Re: Lost my way..

...but today I’m just feeling like such a loser and not the good kind..

I can totally relate this feeling....I often say those very words (that and feeling like a fraud). You have a fabulous goal, and it's humbled me greatly. Funny that I should read your post today, when I was contemplating that there are people out there doing great things, and me....not so much.

I'm totally having a reality check moment here .....thank you for sharing your feelings.

[Aussieinaz]

Re: Lost my way..

Thank you ladies for your wonderful encouraging words. It really means allot to me you all took the time to respond and give me some words of wisdom and encouragement.

I got out my Atkins book and have started to read it again and brush up on things and get it right this time. Tomorrow is a new day with a new start and I will do amazing and lose this weight before I return back to Australia in October for 2 weeks. It gets hard some times and Im alone while my husband is in Iraq (not military this time but as a contractor so a bit safer this trip) but I have a 2 year old and an 8 year old that Im alone with so I have allot going on and lots of stress but no excuse when it comes to ones health. I just have to learn to deal with things better and keep on track. But again a big THANK YOU for your responses.

[fatback]

Re: Lost my way..

stay motivated because the world will spin regardless of you making your goal. so u need to make sure u make everyday work for u. you shouldnt worry about what anyone else thinks because people are gunna think things about you anyway. heck they thought thins about jesus and look at him

[Lisa]

Re: Lost my way..

Good for you starting again! It takes a lot of strength physcially and mentally to go through the trials you are going through. I hope you give yourself a lot of credit for having the goals that you have and that you ARE working on those goals. Keep up the awesome work!