Unclean Induction, So I'm Starting Fresh

[Heiricka]

I can just see myself now, October 14, 2008, starting fresh again. Oh my goodness. I guess if I had messed up once it would be ok to perhaps keep going, but I've goofed 3 days in a row. This is my pre-TOM time in which I want to just munch. So not only am I learning how to deal with that, but I'm also struggling at home. When I come home, I don't like to chat. I want to sit and relax. I hate the 50 question game. Today I'm giving my mother a copy of my Myers-Briggs test so she can understand my personality better. You think being my mother she would, but for some reason, she doesn't. It's really tripped out, I tell her I'm moving out, she gets pissed wondering why I have to go rent an apartment and pay that money when I could just stay home (no mortgage). But when I'm at home, there's always some friction, like my attitude. Most times I want peace and I don't want to talk. She asks me questions that she could answer herself if she would just use her brain and think. Last night she's on the phone with my sister and she asked me where did we get our dinner from last night. I just looked at her. She got mad. Dern, think!

That's what crazy crap that I deal with. Anyway, just venting. I need to add this one to my blog. I hope everyone else is doing well on induction. I'll be here for a while if anyone needs to chat and vent.

Erica

[lesszmore]

Re: Unclean Induction, So I'm Starting Fresh

((hugs)) i know it isnt easy living w/mom when u've been away from her for a while, she still see u as a kid. How long has it been since u returned home. My sis has the same prob - grad from college and is now back home, its hard bc she's use to getting up and going and no one questionning her, but i gotta remind her that mom doesnt mean anything by it, she loves her and its hard to let go of your kids, and she loves the company again. My mom even told me that she thought my lil sis never talks to her or tells her anything... i told my sis and she felt bad and realized that she does brush her off often bc she likes her space, but realize that our lil ole' lady just wants to feel involved in our lives any kind of way. So she took her out for a mommy- daughter day and my mom loved it, and now she makes a pt every so often to do something with her.

If u can hangin in there, they do so... save the money!

[hillbilly]

Re: Unclean Induction, So I'm Starting Fresh

Me, too.

Wasn't anything to do with food. My mind made me do it!!

Beginning again - the last time. This one will work. Positive thinking.

[Heiricka]

Re: Unclean Induction, So I'm Starting Fresh

((hugs)) i know it isnt easy living w/mom when u've been away from her for a while, she still see u as a kid. How long has it been since u returned home. My sis has the same prob - grad from college and is now back home, its hard bc she's use to getting up and going and no one questionning her, but i gotta remind her that mom doesnt mean anything by it, she loves her and its hard to let go of your kids, and she loves the company again. My mom even told me that she thought my lil sis never talks to her or tells her anything... i told my sis and she felt bad and realized that she does brush her off often bc she likes her space, but realize that our lil ole' lady just wants to feel involved in our lives any kind of way. So she took her out for a mommy- daughter day and my mom loved it, and now she makes a pt every so often to do something with her.

If u can hangin in there, they do so... save the money!

Hi Less, I've been living with my mom since 2002. My dad passed in 1999, the year I graduated from college. I always take that women with me but sometimes that's never enough. When I graduated from college, I stayed with her until 2001, then my sister and I got our own apartment. When my sister's united was activated to go to Bosnia, I moved out of my apartment and stayed with my mom in 2002. I moved back with her because she was flipping out about my sister being gone. I think my mom envies my sister and I being so close but I tell her, you raised us like that. I don't even have that many friends because I had to take my sister everywhere so it was either I had friends or my sister did. Most of my sister friends ended up being my friends too. It's hard to find balance. I'm taking my first cruise in December with my mother. I try to let that be our conversation of all time to keep her from getting mad about stupid stuff. It's just so complicated. My mother is a complicated women. I was dating this guy, he was so wonderful. He was everything I wanted in a man. But he felt that I let my mother affect my decisions with things so we broke up. He'd be over to the house and sometimes she would act the biggest fool. Going off for any little thing. It was so embarassing. He knew I loved Mexican food so one night we went to the grocery store and he cooked dinner for me, but my mother was pissed that he was in "her kitchen" cooking. He was the man of my dreams. The thought still brings me to tears. I don't even date now because of that. We dated in 2006. I was single for 4 years before I met him. Now, I don't even date anymore. I don't even think about it. I'll never let another man meet my mother until we actually think about marriage.

Me, too.

Wasn't anything to do with food. My mind made me do it!!

Beginning again - the last time. This one will work. Positive thinking.

Hillbilly, where have you been?? I always look forward to seeing you on the board but lately I haven't. I hope all is well with you.

[Clarasassycat]

Re: Unclean Induction, So I'm Starting Fresh

I can understand exactly where you are coming from. I just got past my TOM and the urge to munch on things I shouldnt was over whelming, just out of habit! I also lived at home with my mom for a short time just over a year ago, imagine 31 years old and having to tell your mom where you are going, who with, AND having her call to "check on you" while your out!
However, I learned you have to come up with "coping mechanisms" to help you through it. Have legal foods that you like to munch on readily available. Also, take a second and remember, the munchng on those things is one of the things that got you were you are today. Make sure you are getting your water, if you arent getting enough, you could "feel" hungry when really your body is just wanting water. Lastly, come to the forums when the urge strikes, post about it. This gives you time to talk about it, see it, think twice, plus the people here have lots of good advice! I had to do this exact thing not long ago when the ice cream monster snuck in on me.
Good luck, you can do it!

[cookiecate]

Re: Unclean Induction, So I'm Starting Fresh

As a mum I have had to realise that just because my daughter is my daughter we are going to get along. Somehow I always manage to say or do the wrong thing. I don't mean to but I do.

My daughter has a better job than I did. She had a better education than I did and is much better looking than I was.

Her values are different in every way which is as it should be we are after all of a different generation.

However, if we had to live in the same house it would be murder. She would hate me and I am sure I would learn to hate my own child. I see it as her not respecting me and her attitude shows that she thinks I made a terrible job of mothering. She blames me for everything wrong in her life.

I think you should move out give your mum and you some space and only see each other when you have a good reason and something positive to say to each other. Sounds to me as if your poor old mum is just trying to make conversation maybe her life is not as interesting as yours.

As I say I don't believe that you have to like your family and sometimes it is good to be well away from them and when you don't feel like talking don't answer the phone. My son has a different ring tone for everyone so he knows when not to answer.

[Privettewifey]

Re: Unclean Induction, So I'm Starting Fresh

My mom and I had a stressful relationship. We enjoyed Sundays together though watching Lifetime. It was the only time it seems we didn't fight! When I moved out she would make these big plates for me everyday and we would argue because I didn't want them! She was just trying to help so I didn't have to cook when I got home. Then on July 4th 2005 I came over for the 4th. I was in the closet scamming for food, which she used to give me SUCH a hard time about, and she looked at me and didn't say a word. I was angry at her for looking, she always told me I was eating too much. It hurt because it was the truth I guess. Then I realized that the reason she didn't say anything was because she couldn't. She had gotten so sick without me realizing and I wish she would just talk to me. That was the day I realized my mom was dying. She passed 16 days later and couldn't talk anymore - she was almost in a coma.

Im not saying your mom is an angel, but she is there to love you. She may not be able to help the stubborn personality she has. But today go give her a hug, tell her you love her, then tell her how much she upsets you and that you are sorry. She may not apologize back, but at least you told her your feelings!

[cookiecate]

Re: Unclean Induction, So I'm Starting Fresh

I do agree that we don't tell people just how we feel. We don't say I love you enough although I think the phrase 'I love you' gets used now like 'Have a nice day' I notice people just say it to end a conversation on the phone it is getting shortened to 'luv you'.

I mean really say to someone 'I love you, I don't always show it, and sometimes you really get on my nerves, but I will always love you'.

However, it is hard. I sometimes want to say 'I love you to my daughter' but then she would say 'No you don't' and would start yet another argument, she says I am not proud of her. She called me a freak once, now I don't know if she meant to look at or I had some freakish way of looking at life.

The truth is we look alike although I have always been fat. She is drop dead gorgeous. I think you have to try and walk in other peoples shoes. Just to see how they might be feeling. The truth is I was not a good mum to her, maybe I should have been her hero and I let her down badly many times.

Give mums a chance you don't get a book on 'How to be a perfect mum' we have to do it with no experience and sometimes without too much advise. I am sure you will be a perfect mother when your time comes or maybe not, my daughter has chosen never to have kids and I think she is probably doing the right thing.

Remember you don't owe your mother anything and she doesn't owe you either, I believe we should all start on a even playing field just show her respect for the fact she is your mum.

I am sorry Privetwifey that your mum has gone. You were so engrossed in your own unhappiness that you didn't notice hers. That unfortunately happens. Don't spend your time regretting, just try and remember the good times you had and always remember we can choose our friends but not our family.

[lesszmore]

Re: Unclean Induction, So I'm Starting Fresh

Hi Less, I've been living with my mom since 2002. My dad passed in 1999, the year I graduated from college. I always take that women with me but sometimes that's never enough. When I graduated from college, I stayed with her until 2001, then my sister and I got our own apartment. When my sister's united was activated to go to Bosnia, I moved out of my apartment and stayed with my mom in 2002. I moved back with her because she was flipping out about my sister being gone. I think my mom envies my sister and I being so close but I tell her, you raised us like that. I don't even have that many friends because I had to take my sister everywhere so it was either I had friends or my sister did. Most of my sister friends ended up being my friends too. It's hard to find balance. I'm taking my first cruise in December with my mother. I try to let that be our conversation of all time to keep her from getting mad about stupid stuff. It's just so complicated. My mother is a complicated women. I was dating this guy, he was so wonderful. He was everything I wanted in a man. But he felt that I let my mother affect my decisions with things so we broke up. He'd be over to the house and sometimes she would act the biggest fool. Going off for any little thing. It was so embarassing. He knew I loved Mexican food so one night we went to the grocery store and he cooked dinner for me, but my mother was pissed that he was in "her kitchen" cooking. He was the man of my dreams. The thought still brings me to tears. I don't even date now because of that. We dated in 2006. I was single for 4 years before I met him. Now, I don't even date anymore. I don't even think about it. I'll never let another man meet my mother until we actually think about marriage.

I am so sorry to hear about that losing the man of your dreams and the passin of your dad ..just ready your post i can feel your pain and emotion. Its hard bc u cant let her run /ruin your life, but it is your mom. Sometimes we have to be selfish and do what works for us bc u dont wanna be 40 sitting at home wishing u'd done this and that. Your mom has lived her life and now its time to live yours. Girl l dunno what to say, i'm 4 hrs from my mom.. i love her but i know for a fact i cant live w/her..... i've been outta the house since i was 18 and on my own ever since. I'm here for you if u ever need to talk!

[chinadoll]

Re: Unclean Induction, So I'm Starting Fresh

Erica, Mom-Daughter relationships can be really hard. I can tell you my story but I don't know if it is helpful or not. Only you can put it into perspective within your family. I can only say that this worked for me.

A long time ago I used to listen to a radio pop psychologist and her one big thing was "the only person whose behavior you can change is your own". It's very pop-psych but it is also true. I was never good enough for my mom. I felt like she saw only my shortcomings. I was nagged every day of my life until the day I decided I would not put up with it any more.

I decided to change my behavior. I would no longer sit and take the criticisms.

I told her I would no longer visit her if it meant she would find fault 24/7. She pulled the "Fine... don't visit your poor old mother" junk but I didn't buy into it. I told her calmly that I love her and i want our time together to be enjoyable but that with all the faultfinding I never get to enjoy her company. I also said that if the nagging hadn't worked for 30 years it was time for her to give it up. I stuck to my guns. The first couple of times I visited and she started in, I left. I invited her to my house (she is better on my turf) instead. When she realized I was grown up enough to mean what I said, she stopped bugging me. And I made a point of telling her how much more I enjoyed spending time with her. We get along fine now. As two adults.

You don't owe your life to your mom. You are not responsible for her happiness. It is nice of you to want to take care of her but not at the expense of your life. Until you choose to live life on your terms you haven't grown up and she won't see you as an adult. You need to be firm if you want behaviors to change. I bet if you show her you are an independent adult she will come around.

[IrishIrish]

Re: Unclean Induction, So I'm Starting Fresh

I was sick, morbidly obese and desperate when I came to ADBB once upon a time, a long time ago. And I heard people talking about clean induction. I was so desperate to lose weight, I listened and tried to eliminate processed foods. I became nearly obsessed with clean induction, but you know something??? I wouldn't do it any other way. It was a path to healthy eating for me. Now I know what Dr. Atkins was talking about.

[Heiricka]

Re: Unclean Induction, So I'm Starting Fresh

Clara, needing to know my every where abouts drive me crazy. On one hand I think it's out of concern, but then I think about how she always acts and believe it's out of being so controlling. I put a piece of candy in my mouth over the weekend and chewed it and then spit it out. LOL I was like girl get a grip. My mom has 3 BIG containers of tootsie rolls, tootsie pops, taffy, mints (the ones that melt in your mouth), gum. It drives me insane. So, I've been online on this site going through the induction recipes and finding other things I can make if I have a sweet tooth like the mock danish. I'm also going to try the waffles to add a different kick to breakfast.

Oh Cookie, I love my mother dearly, which is probably why I'm always letting her run over me. It would be kinda unfair for me to blame my failures on my mom. We grow up and make our own decisions. There were some that I choose that were not the best. But I did it, knowing right from wrong. I suffer from low self esteem, which I believe many of my bad decisions stem from that. It would be easy for me to blame my mother, but I don't. But my mother is abusive. Never mentioned how she gets really angry and in rage and start hitting on you. I stopped going to church because I wanted to worship on the sabbath, and she got mad because I stopped going to church on Sunday. My mother is a minister. She got mad and told me to get out of the house, and was kneeing me in my butt and shoving me as I was leaving out the door. I snapped. You can only beat a person for so long before they snap back. Before I knew it, I had shoved her across the kitchen and pushed her so hard that she fell, hit the floor, and I was on her punching her in the face. The scars I have on the outside are nothing compared to what I have on the inside. As I was growing up, she use to tell my sister and I that we were pretty little girls, hold your head up. But on the flip side, we'd do something bad and she'd call us stupid little whores and bitches and everything else. We were leaving the mall on time, I was 16. She got mad about something and just started slapping me and hitting me....in the car (I was sitting in the front seat).

I have gone into debt trying to please my mother. But through it all, I am still there, by her side, standing, loving her as any daughter should. After the fight, I knew I had to leave (that wasn't the first fight). I think it is so rediculous for family to fight like that. I started having thoughts of hurting her to the brink of death, and not missing her, but feeling finally at peace. I knew it was time to move. When she found out I put a deposit on an apartment, she was so shocked and hurt. I went and took my deposit back and decided that maybe we need a vacation. So I booked us a cruise for December. Now, that's all we talk about. And when she gets mad, I bring up the cruise. But she knows, I will be moving out afterwards, for sure. I've even thought about moving to Dallas, which I may do. Not trying to run from anything, but I swear I feel like I need an entire change of scenery.

When I tell my mom I love her, I mean it. Actions show. I'm easy to read. If I'm pissed, you'll know it. I don't use that word too lightly. If you tell your daughter you love her and she says no I don't, don't argue, just give her a hug anyway and tell her that no instruction manual comes with being a mom, and tell her to remember that. We do the best we can. That's what I tell my mom. I have a 4 year old nephew. I'm so loving and patient with him. I refuse to allow my past hurts to penetrate his life. The mistakes that I've gone through with my mother, I will never let him go through that. I tell my mother, even though her grandmother (who raised her) did her the same way, you have to make a decision. I choose NOT to allow my nephew to grow up in a hostile home. It's hard for a person to understand when you tell them you love them, but beating their @$$ for something so petty, like spilling milk. My nephew loves staying with me more than my sister. I told her, I catch you beating on my nephew for something petty, I'll spend the rest of my life beating your @$$. And that I do mean. I don't play when it comes to my nephew, and he obviously knows it cause he wants to stay with me more than his own momma.

Privette, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I hug and love on my mom everyday. Even though she is the way she is, you only get one. That's why through all my pain, I love her no matter.

Less, all I can do is raise my 32 ounce water bottle and say here, here. So sad that I'm 32 and just now understanding that's what I need to do.

ChinaDoll, your story will help me out a lot! "You don't owe your life to your mom. You are not responsible for her happiness. It is nice of you to want to take care of her but not at the expense of your life. Until you choose to live life on your terms you haven't grown up and she won't see you as an adult." I need to print that out and hang it on the wall or something. My mom always bring up the "for the nine months I carried you" song. I'm like, that was your decision, not mine. She would tell me, I never wanted children, your dad did. But when you all came along, I loved you so. And that I believe. She tries to say mean things sometimes about that. I'm like, oh well, I'm here now. My sister moved out because she just wasn't going to take it. I don't know what happened to my spine.

Irish, your weight loss goals stats are amazing! I feel that way now. When I cheated myself, I thought, I can't do this. And in the back of my mind, I was thinking, "you wanna go through induction flu again?" LOL Ummmm, that's enough to make me stay on track. When I was cheating and ate something sweet, I'd get head pains. That's scary to me so I don't think I'll be sneaking and cheating anymore.

[sugarsack]

Re: Unclean Induction, So I'm Starting Fresh

maybe you do need to have your own place and that will give you some space from your mom and you 2 could get along better... its hard to be 2 adult women living together.. if you can do it and afford to it may be the best thing.. if not then maybe having a heart to heart talk with mom and setting up some sort of schedule..
maybe tell her you need to de-compress when you get home from work for 1 hour no talking.. something like that.. you also have to remember if shes home all day she had all day to think of things to talk to you about.. she might just need to realize you need to be quite for a bit after work.. that may help

[cookiecate]

Re: Unclean Induction, So I'm Starting Fresh

Heiricka, You sound like a sweet lady, and I am sure that your good nature and strong personality will help you through. I am glad that you are able to put the past hurts behind you and realise that things need to change when it comes to a new generation such as your nephew.

My son is just like you he has loved and looked after an abusive dad. My eldest son, me and my daughter have never helped him we were just too happy to get away from this alcoholic, abusive, violent man but my youngest son hangs in there. He says he is happy to do it as this means he will never feel guilty about anything and after all his father is his father.

To me he is a hero as he puts up with so much nonsense from his dad but he hangs in there. Sometimes he asks his dad "How come I am the only one here? Where is your wife? Where is your other son? Where is your daughter? he says his father never answers just gets madder and calls my son really awful names.

Good luck to you. You deserve all the luck in the world, I hope you enjoy your cruise but more importantly I hope you move out and start to live your own life.