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  • #1

    Non-supportive boyfriend...

    So I do not give into temptation very easily, and have already made great progress on this plan, but I have a boyfriend who lives with me that is *wonderful* but getting on my nerves at the same time. He is one of those guys that will never weigh over 160 even if he eats McD's for Bkfst, taco bueno for lunch, and Wendy's for dinner (which he does). I wouldn't care, except that he is so non supportive of me on this diet, its almost like he goes out of his way to make it difficult for me. He begs me to drive him to the frozen custard/and dessert shop nightly, to buy halloween bags of reeses and snickers for him when I go grocery shopping, and eats it all in front of me smiling and says stuff like "don't ya wish you could be eating THIS?!". I don't care to some extent, and stay focused, but anytime I gripe at him or comment on his un-helpfulness, he just says, "Well I love you the size that you are so I don't even know why you are dieting". Its like, he just doesn't get it.

    So I guess the question I want to ask is, is this stuff I should get upset and really talk with him about? Or am I just the chubby girl complaining because she can't eat what her skinny boyfriend can and should shut up? thanks for all advice!
    ::Taylor:: sw-200 cw-188 gw-150
    start date: Oct 1st
    Tags: boyfriend..., non-supportive
  • #2
    Re: Non-supportive boyfriend...

    I totally understand what you're going through. My Husband is the same way, although not going so far as to rub it in while he eats his goodies. He makes it difficult for me due to the fact that he is not helpful at all! All I need is a little support, yet he offers none. I do think you need to speak with him about it, explain how it irks you. Hopefully he'll see the light and quit being that way.


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    • #3
      Re: Non-supportive boyfriend...

      I agree with Erica. A good one on one with your DBF is in order. He has to understand that this isn't about him. It's about you and the goals and standards you've set for yourself. Tell him you would appreciate his respect in your decision to get healthier. It's not all about losing weight, it's about getting healthy. Weightloss is just one of the benifits. Gosh even he would benifit from this woe even if he does weigh 160 lbs. Try cooking a Atkins dinner for 2 and see how he likes it. Start involving him in your woe. Maybe he's just feeling a little left out. He may see how important it is to you, just include him in your journey. Communication is everything!
      Hope this helps.
      Wishing you the best of health and lite.
      Sincerely, Sherri
      MOTHEREARTH AKA SHERRI "HOW THE WORLD TURNS AS I SEE IT"
      HT: 5'10.5-Highest weight-374 lbs.
      Began ATKINS 07-07-04 @ 334 lbs.
      Maintaned 101 lb. Weightloss
      New goals-New start 03-21-10 @ 273
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~inches lost~~~~
      1st mini-goal: 260
      2nd mini-goal:249
      2nd mini-goal:239
      3rd mini-goal:229
      GOAL :225




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      • #4
        Re: Non-supportive boyfriend...

        Have you sat him down and laid it out for him? Sometimes men can be pretty thick about this sort of stuff. They make the mistake of treating us like their buddies, not understanding that we come at this from a very different place and require something very different from them.

        I remember a stint like this. I sat him down and told him what I needed from him. I'd suggest something along the lines of:

        I want you to know that I appreciate you and the things you do for me and because of me. I really do. I'm really struggling right now and I need you. I get that you're okay with me the way I am now, but *I* am not and I'm worried about my health! I don't mind if you eat your junk until you're blue in your face, but will you please help me fix my health by not teasing me while you're eating it? It really hurts my feelings and makes me angry, and I know that's not what you're trying to do. I need you to be supportive of my efforts because we *both* benefit when I'm healthy and when I feel better about myself. I love you and I really need you.

        They're fixers. If they think they can fix something for you, they'll try. If he doesn't, you're dealing with a man who is scared spitless of you changing on him. We see a lot of this too. Many are scared to death that you're going to drop the weight, look great, feel AMAZING, develop some more self confidence - which usually translates very quickly to putting up with a lot less crap- etc etc etc etc....following me here? I went through this too and it was *not* fun. It was the real reason he was sabotaging me at every turn.

        You have every right to expect the support of your partner. His job is to uplift you and be your biggest cheerleader. You might have to remind him of it, but if he's a good man, he'll shine through.


        My Melting Page: A Picture Diary and Misc Other Stuff

        Highest Weight: 243lbs

        Atkineer since May 2002!!

        *****************************************


        General rule of thumb for success: If it requires a degree in chemical engineering to pronounce it, you probably shouldn't eat it.

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Non-supportive boyfriend...

          Originally posted by Brook View Post

          They're fixers. If they think they can fix something for you, they'll try. If he doesn't, you're dealing with a man who is scared spitless of you changing on him. We see a lot of this too. Many are scared to death that you're going to drop the weight, look great, feel AMAZING, develop some more self confidence - which usually translates very quickly to putting up with a lot less crap- etc etc etc etc....following me here? I went through this too and it was *not* fun. It was the real reason he was sabotaging me at every turn.

          So True!! My husband is a great supporter of me losing weight! Mostly becasue I promised him some more "lovin" when I am happy with the way I look.

          When I lost a lot of weight before I had so much more confidence then I had ever had, and it scared him. Mind you we have been together for 12 years and married 10 of them. He still gets healous when a guy looks at me.






          My "Lil" Family






          5'7'' 28 y/o
          STARTED SEPT. 29,2008
          STARTED AGAIN JAN. 5th Around 199.2

          http://www.atkinsdietbulletinboard.c...d-journal.html

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          • #6
            Re: Non-supportive boyfriend...

            If your boyfriend is as truly wonderful as you describe him, than he will be willing to sit down and discuss your weightloss and health goals with him. It is important that he be your cheerleader and support you, as others have said, this is a reasonably expectation in any relationship. I love someone's suggestion that you make an atkins meal for the both of you. Regardless of his weight, eating at fast food restarants is not healthy and it will catch up with him.
            sigpicCeeMarie 267/236/180 (-31 lbs!)
            56 pounds to Goal! I will do it!
            Next mini goal is 229 -
            Big goal 199 - Wonderland for my son's graduation!

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            • #7
              Re: Non-supportive boyfriend...

              Im going to be totally blunt with you and I dont mean to be rude to 'YOU' ... but he sounds like an ***!! Thats no being unsupportive thats being a dick .. and you should tell him that! Id tell him where to put those little reeses (if ya know what i mean)

              You are doing something good for yourself and he should see that.. Keep up the good work and dont let negative people get you down.. Good Luck Honey !
              26 / F / 5'3 - start 9/9/09
              210 -
              195 -
              180 -
              165 -
              150 -



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              • #8
                Re: Non-supportive boyfriend...

                I actually agree with the above. Dude's being a horses' butt for no real reason other than to see you fail. That is extremely annoying at best, and disturbing (when viewed in light of the relationship's future) at worst. You are doing great, and I hope and pray that you can continue to ignore him. But the guy is being a tool, and you can tell him I said so. (that an a buck fifty will buy you coffee, but still!)

                It's one thing if he doesn't believe in what you're doing...but that doesn't give him the right to crap all over your goals, your plans, and your way of getting there.

                Good luck with this, but I do think you need to sit him down, and give him the "what for" on this matter. And yes, inform him that you're going to lodge a snickers up his glory hole if he keeps on pushing you.

                Ty.
                "I am the War Lord and the wrathful God of Combat and I will always lead you from the front, not the rear." -Dick Marcinko

                Male, or something resembling.

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Non-supportive boyfriend...

                  Thank you THANK YOU Sarah and Ty!! I am a very long suffering person (in fact too much so with regard to relationships) but THAT, m'dear, is BS! I don't care how wonderful someone is - undermining and passive aggressive behavior is NEVER acceptable. It is condescending and demeaning. Definitely something to be assertively nipped in the bud. Overt sabotage is not a trait to be admired nor tolerated. When someone truly loves you, they are your biggest cheerleader and deeply yearn for your success. He may think he's being funny, but gaining satisfaction at the expense of another is never funny. It's cruel, no matter the intent. That is the sort of behavior that metastasizes over the years to become comments in front of your children like, "Isn't the birthday cake great? Too bad mommy will get fat if she eats any. Wouldn't want her to get any fatter than she already is, now would we?" Trust me, I'm not over reacting here. These small seeds sprout and, unless burned out early, grow into emotionally suffocating weeds. If he really is "wonderful," he will recognize the detriment of what he's doing, apologize, and then get in gear to support you in your goals. Hopefully this is just a case of "the stupids" brought on by his Y chromosome.

                  Food for thought: As women, we have a tendency to be the ones to bend, to rationalize and tolerate. In and of itself it's not a bad thing, as mutual compromise is conducive to an successful relationship - personal or otherwise. It becomes a problem, though, when we begin routinely accepting things like this from a partner. All of the tiny things slowly snowball in little easliy missed ways until one day you wake up, look in the mirror, and realize you have bent so far and overlooked so much that you don't even recognize yourself anymore. You stand there wondering what became of the things that were central to your desires and self aspirations. The goal is to strive to be "equally yolked" in all things - even things like health goals. I know it seems small but it's the small things, like a thread of silk, that when working in concert, combine to make great strength or, when misaligned, bring the tallest building to the ground.

                  I don't mean to be on a soapbox, I'm simply an huge advocate of preventative medicine.

                  I hope for the best for you. Improve your health for you and you alone, giving NO ONE the permission to impede your journey.
                  Last edited by Asclepius; October 9, 2008, 11:28 PM.
                  "Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination are omnipotent."
                  -Calvin Coolidge

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Non-supportive boyfriend...

                    I agree 100% with what the others said. What you described is a RED flag. He may be immature and/or just think it's funny, so you should try Brook's one on one approach and see what happens.

                    I think I should add, as a guy with some experience, with nothing to gain or lose by helping you, but because you are here like me at ADBB to help yourself and other people, I am going to ask you to drop by the bookstore, get a cup of something to drink, and read through this book:
                    Amazon.com: Alpha Male Syndrome: Kate Ludeman, Eddie Erlandson: Books
                    There are good alpha males who are dominant leaders, visionaries and the sort, and then there are toxic alpha males. Your case is sounding toxic so far.

                    Really hope this helps.
                    240/231/198
                    6'1"
                    01/09/10
                    Goal 1: 229
                    Goal 2: 219
                    Goal 3: 209
                    Goal 4: 198
                    Goal 5: Maintain @195-198

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Non-supportive boyfriend...

                      Wow...the doctor used the words "metastasize" and "preventive medicine" in a thread not about medicine. Intriguing. (And, yes, I'm being a jerk!)
                      "I am the War Lord and the wrathful God of Combat and I will always lead you from the front, not the rear." -Dick Marcinko

                      Male, or something resembling.

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Re: Non-supportive boyfriend...

                        Last edited by Asclepius; October 10, 2008, 07:30 AM.
                        "Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination are omnipotent."
                        -Calvin Coolidge

                        Comment

                        • #13
                          Re: Non-supportive boyfriend...

                          Wow...thanks for all the positive advice guys! I was worried that I would get a bunch of "shut up and quit whining!"'s. I really think that it has to do with what one person said about the jealousy thing. Because when he says smart *** comments like that, you can almost detect a sense of worry or jealousy in his tone because I think he IS afraid that if I get all hot and skinny then I can go find a guy who...I dunno...DID graduate flippin high school or something. haha And I joke about that stuff, but he really isn't as mean of a guy as I guess my post made him out to be, but almost extremely passive when he says stuff, never has anger in his tone or yells, so its hard for me to think of comebacks unless someone yells!

                          But yeah I think it'll be time for a hearty one on one tonight, I just hope he takes me seriously. Guy's (especially cocky ones) have a tendency to have a really hard time being serious, maybe its an insecurity I don't know.

                          But its a win win situation, right? Because if I lose the weight I can find someone else IF I want, and if I don't, then he'll feel sorry for ever doubting me!
                          ::Taylor:: sw-200 cw-188 gw-150
                          start date: Oct 1st

                          Comment

                          • #14
                            Re: Non-supportive boyfriend...

                            Sounds like a plan 'Oklahoma!'
                            240/231/198
                            6'1"
                            01/09/10
                            Goal 1: 229
                            Goal 2: 219
                            Goal 3: 209
                            Goal 4: 198
                            Goal 5: Maintain @195-198

                            Comment

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