Relative Criticizes Everyone's Weight

**SugarFreeSheila** · September 5, 2005, 07:06 AM

Re: Relative Criticizes Everyone's Weight

People do only what they know they can get away with - and she knows she can get away with it with you, because there simply aren't any repercussions to deter her. I'd nip that in the bud now. Her comments are crass - but most importantly, unsolicited and thus simply none of her business.

May I ask if she is very elderly? If not, I would bluntly interrupt her next diatribe by deadpanning "Knock it off" every time she starts attacking your or your family's weight issues, and abruptly get up and walk away to leave her standing/sitting there alone. After a time or two of this, you'll be the one person she doesn't bother. Soon enough, she may lose her nerve altogether & stop this nonsense.

Whenever you're concerned about whether the above will offend or hurt her feelings, consider how much she is hurting others' feelings when she declares to them in public that they are fat.

**Moochiecat** · September 5, 2005, 07:19 AM

Re: Relative Criticizes Everyone's Weight

I would definitely call her on it as well. That's unacceptable.

I'd approach it from a different direction though...I'd ask her why she feels so compelled to judge others....what happened to her that she thinks this is acceptable for her to do...where is she coming from with this and what does she hope to achieve?

But definitely break her pattern, as Sheila suggests...ask her if she wants people to look forward to enjoying conversation with her, or dread it, because they know it'll come down to her criticizing their weight.

**Nutri_Nut** · September 5, 2005, 07:52 AM

Re: Relative Criticizes Everyone's Weight

First, you two look great! I am becoming more inspired to change my way of eating permanently by reading the messages here and seeing how successful you all are.

The first time I "did" Atkins (over two years ago), I did it for me. Actually, I was first motivated by a desire to prove that this way of eating did not work! The joke was on me: it worked! This time, I was motivated out of anger because of what other people around me thought ("You've gained some weight. You are going to lose it, aren't you?") I am not obese, but I grew up thin and have been thinner than I am now. I have knee problems, and I know losing weight would probably help alleviate some of the discomfort. But I feel more compelled to lose weight because it seems important to others. Stupid, right? I am just tired of the comments.

This person I'm referring to is my mother-in-law, and we have a good relationship. Other than her attitude towards and comments about those who are not thin, I have no complaints. But this is totally unacceptable. And now my 16-year old is a victim of these comments. I can tell it bothers him. He LOOKS GOOD, but when he was playing football, he got dreadfully skinny from the workouts and running. I guess his grandmother is comparing him now to the way he looked then, which is unfair.

Anyway, I don't want to be rude. I don't want to insult her. I would love to think of a way to handle this in a "witty" way that would make her stop and think. I don't know if it would be helpful to say something like, "Not everyone is blessed to have good metabolism like you. Some people eat the same foods you do, maybe less, and still gain weight. You are fortunate." Or just leave it at, "Not everyone is as fortunate as you to have good metabolism."

**Finelly** · September 5, 2005, 08:03 AM

Re: Relative Criticizes Everyone's Weight

Anyway, I don't want to be rude. I don't want to insult her. I would love to think of a way to handle this in a "witty" way that would make her stop and think. I don't know if it would be helpful to say something like, "Not everyone is blessed to have good metabolism like you. Some people eat the same foods you do, maybe less, and still gain weight. You are fortunate." Or just leave it at, "Not everyone is as fortunate as you to have good metabolism."

That won't work. It's too subtle and she simply won't get it.

You either need to be blunt: "Hey, I know you don't realize this, but you make comments about other people's weights CONSTANTLY! It's a bit disturbing, actually." (and you have to do it PRIVATELY, so she won't be embarassed in front of others)

Or, you need to be off-hand about it, and it may take a couple of times for her to get it: "Yah, I've decided I'm going to stop commenting on other people's weights. I'm going to start noticing their shoes. Look at those wedgies! How can she WALK?" (or "look at those sandals - I wonder where she got them?)

**Nutri_Nut** · September 5, 2005, 10:14 AM

Re: Relative Criticizes Everyone's Weight

Thanks for your suggestions.

**not2late** · September 5, 2005, 02:36 PM

Re: Relative Criticizes Everyone's Weight

One of my sisters has a husbandlike that. I can't stand him and I really don't need to interact with him so I don't. But a mother-in-law/grandmother is something different.

Anyhow, I think you should tell your son to ignore grandma's weight comments. As long as your son's doctor says his weight for his height and age is appropriate, he should not worry about what granny says.

You can also take granny aside and tell her that her comments about your son's weight are upsetting him and that she should cool it or risk having an adult grandson with a bunch of hang-ups OR an adult grandson who hates his overly critical grandmother.

**Elsie150** · September 7, 2005, 08:32 AM

Re: Relative Criticizes Everyone's Weight

Well being as it is a MIL it definately makes it harder to deal with in a diplomatic way. Is it possible for you to take her aside privately and say something like..."Mom...I know you love us and don't intend to hurt us, but when you make comments about me and Son's weight it really hurts our feelings..even though you are coming from a loving place with it. We are trying our best here and the comments are doing more harm than good. I just wanted to bring that to your attention as I know you would never intentionly say anything hurtful. I love you and don't want our relationship to become strained by my hurt feelings so I thought it better that I just tell you before it became a big problem and ruined our great friendship. I sure wouldn't want to lose a great person like you as a friend and I knew you would understand if I just talked to you about it because you are so caring about us all. What do you say?"

Notice the buttering up here? You are telling her what a great person she is...that way she is less likely to get upset. Now..if you have that talk and she still does it...you can say. "Gee Mom...we talked about that." And if it still continues then it is time to be more forceful.

The downfall is if she is not a really good MIL..you have just told her what your button is and she will push it. Good luck!

**cleochatra** · September 7, 2005, 08:44 AM

Re: Relative Criticizes Everyone's Weight

Anyway, I don't want to be rude. I don't want to insult her. I would love to think of a way to handle this in a "witty" way that would make her stop and think. I don't know if it would be helpful to say something like, "Not everyone is blessed to have good metabolism like you. Some people eat the same foods you do, maybe less, and still gain weight. You are fortunate." Or just leave it at,

I would have a sit-down with your mother-in-law, with your husband present.

You must both let her know that her discussion of weight issues is not an acceptable polite conversation topic.

You will let her know that she is loved, that she is a wonderful woman, and because of this her comments are hurtful and stop today.

You will let her know that the next time she mentions weight issues, eating issues, makes any comments whatsoever about weight, you, your husband, and your entire family will excuse yourselves from her presence. With no apologies and with no excuses.

Your family does not have to deal with emotional/verbal abuse at the hands of someone who has a captive audience.

**fawn** · September 7, 2005, 09:48 AM

Re: Relative Criticizes Everyone's Weight

Like I tell most who choose to criticize me or my wol

KEEP YOUR OWN PORCH CLEAN!

**Nutri_Nut** · September 8, 2005, 06:23 PM

Re: Relative Criticizes Everyone's Weight

Thank you all for your suggestions! Now, if I can just combine it all and say it appropriately at the right moment! My mind is apt to go blank. She doesn't say much about my weight, although occasionally she has asked me if I've gained weight. It doesn't hurt me. I just get angry when someone who can eat a plate full of high-carb foods and then three slices of pie and still stay thin tells everyone else they need to go on a diet!!!!!

**not2late** · September 9, 2005, 07:02 AM

Re: Relative Criticizes Everyone's Weight

Well, she could be like a distant cousin of mine who found out during the 4th of July family cook out that I was on a weight loss diet. She goes up to me and says my mom told her I was on a weight loss regimen. I said yes. Then she looks me up and down and tells me that the first few weeks of any kind of diet are tough. I told her I was beyond the first few weeks. She kind of rolled her eyes and said something like "oh, so I guess you'll have to work harder." The implication was that I was as fat as I was the last time she saw me in 2002 when I weighed about 250 pounds and wore a size 24-26W. When I told her that I had lost over 50 pounds and 6 dress sizes, she looked at me, smiled and said "Really? You lost that much? I wouldn't have guessed that at all." Again the implication was that I still looked as fat as I had before and that I was lying to her.

I wanted to smack her. She's a little stick-like thing who stays skinny by starving herself.

**Elsie150** · September 9, 2005, 07:45 AM

Re: Relative Criticizes Everyone's Weight

A simple.."Wow...that was hurtful. I am surprised that you felt the need to say that." Or "Thanks for your support...I appreciate it." Would have put her in her place. Of course I am much more sarcastic so I probably would have said (and have in different situations)...While laughing say "Wow...that would have hurt my feelings if I respected your opinion."

**matawguro** · September 9, 2005, 12:04 PM

Re: Relative Criticizes Everyone's Weight

I have a family member who is thin, but eats what she wants and doesn't exercise.

I'm willing to bet she gets winded easily. Between you and her, who do you think can climb more flights of stairs?

**shrinky** · September 9, 2005, 12:51 PM

Re: Relative Criticizes Everyone's Weight

She's insecure. People who feel compelled to comment obsessively on other people's perceived shortcomings always are.

Sit her down and calmly and politely tell her how her remarks make you feel. If she then does it again, ask her to stop. If she does it a third time, say 'I've explained how uncomfortable your comments make me feel. That's why I'm walking away now.' And then do it.

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