Advice needed on significant other's diet

[knicknack]

Hi everyone!

This is sort of a strange question, but I really don't know what to do about it. Actually, it's more like a few questions.

Here's the backstory:

I started atkins on september 19th. Since then I have lost 20 pounds and 7% body fat. I have about 15 pounds more to lose.

My boyfriend is 5'11 and 195, and has quite the belly and behind. He himself says that he needs to lose about 20-30 pounds.

However, even though he 'went on a diet' the same day I did, he's just succeeded in gaining 5 pounds since then. And, in the meantime, he has started making little defensive comments about what he eats, even though I've said nothing about it.

He has seen how much weight I've lost and how quickly, and he's always commenting on how skinny I'm getting. He is absolutely behind me 100% when it comes to my own weight loss, but he a) won't make the commitment to lose weight himself and b) acts like I'm judging him for it.

I don't say anything about what he eats. I don't even comment on carb content or anything. I don't cook anything that I can't eat, but he finds ways to eat other things - he'll eat cereal after dinner or buy pasta salad at the store, etc... He eats pasta and sandwiches for lunch, etc... But all through this, I don't comment on it at all. Then, he'll complain about how much he weighs and act like I'm judging him every time he eats - which isn't really fair since I've never said a thing. The only time I say anything is when he is talking about what he'll do to lose weight - go to the gym, eat wraps instead of sandwiches, drink diet soda, etc... But, he never does any of it - which I suppose I do judge a bit in my head, but never out loud.

So, my two questions:

1) what can I do to encourage him to actually eat better or exercise more without making him feel like i'm judging him or make him even more insecure?

2) what do I do about this insecurity he's developed?

It's great that he's supporting me in my quest, but I'm getting a little tired of hearing him complain about his own weight, not do anything about it, and act like I'm the one complaining. And the little comments about how I am on the all lettuce diet or the all meat diet, when he knows full well what I eat since he sees it every day, are getting a little old too.

Help! Is there anything I can do? I don't cook or buy anything that is high in carbs, and he just goes and buys it himself. I can't control what he does when I'm not around (I don't live with him, we probably eat dinner together 4 times a week). Making a comment every time he puts sugar in his iced tea is only going to make things worse (as I said, I don't say anything right now). I really don't know what to do.

[sher801]

Re: Advice needed on significant other's diet

1) what can I do to encourage him to actually eat better or exercise more without making him feel like i'm judging him or make him even more insecure?

2) what do I do about this insecurity he's developed?

First of all, congrats on your weight loss.

As for your boyfriend, he has to want to make the choice. No matter what comments you say, he will make up his own mind. Men are like that.

To try and influence him, my guess is you could offer to start over Atkins, with him. Another thing you could do is to make "friendly" bets with each other when one or the other reaches a goal. Make it sound interesting and fun. Offer to do your exercising together. There are things "in the bedroom" that can be counted as exercise!

I guess you both have to sit down and talk with each other. It sounds like you could have more problems other than food issues, like lack of communication.

[knicknack]

Re: Advice needed on significant other's diet

Well, I don't think it's a lack of communication really. We never said we were going to do the same diet or lose weight together. We just started at the same time because we both wanted to lose weight. Whenever we do talk about it he's really proud of me for sticking to it and achieving so much.

I think it's just his own insecurities, personally. He's insecure about a lot of things. I guess this is just a new one.

He doesn't want to do atkins because of the commitment it requires, so I've never suggested it to him or thought he should do it. Like you said, he has to want to do it, and he doesn't. He does supposedly want to lose weight though, but he really isn't showing any indication that he'll do anything about it. He'll drink diet soda for like a week, and then quit. That type of thing.

I honestly don't care if he loses any weight, I just want him to either do it or stop saying he's going to do it and being defensive because he isn't. I also want him to stop acting like I'm judging him for not doing what I'm doing, which I'm not. There are plenty of ways to lose 20 pounds without going all out on atkins. He could exercise, for example. It's up to him though, and I can't say a word about it or he'll be REALLY defensive about it.

So really the question is how to get him to stop being so defensive. I think he would be less defensive if he were actually doing anything to lose weight - so thus the second question of how to encourage him.

Hard to encourage him without making him defensive though. argh.

So I guess the third question would be: how do I make him shut up about it? Heh.

[not2late]

Re: Advice needed on significant other's diet

So, my two questions:

1) what can I do to encourage him to actually eat better or exercise more without making him feel like i'm judging him or make him even more insecure?

2) what do I do about this insecurity he's developed?

For exercise, you could include him in exercise: go for hikes, go for walks, ride bikes together. You might want to enroll the two of you in a dance class at your local community center, like a beginning Latin dance class or something that involves having a partner. He'll soon realize that in order to dance well, he'll need to practice (more exercise) and develop stamina.

[julirama723]

Re: Advice needed on significant other's diet

I'm probably the wrong person to be answering this thread, because my theory about life is $hit or get off the pot...and it sounds like your bf needs to get off the pot.

I would let him keep doing what he's doing, maybe don't say anything because he'll take that negatively. It'll have to come to a point when he gets frustrated and realizes what he's doing (or not doing) isn't working...I think it's just one of those situations where he has to get his "ah-ha" moment to seriously and effectively change his life. Diet/exercise is not one of those things you do because someone tells you to...you know from all of your hard work and success that it is something you MUST WANT TO DO to achieve your goals.

I would just keep on being successful, and if he says nasty comments, I really would confront him by saying "look, you don't have to be immature. If you're upset because you're not losing weight or having a hard time, fine, let's talk about it, but don't you DARE try to belittle me to make yourself feel better." Just because you love someone doesn't mean they get to treat you poorly or make rude comments! You are worth respecting!

[sher801]

Re: Advice needed on significant other's diet

So I guess the third question would be: how do I make him shut up about it? Heh.

LMAO. Shove a sock in his mouth, or better yet, shove an Atkins bar in his mouth!!!

But seriously, I suggest sitting him down and discussing it. You can't guess what is in each other's minds.

Except for the shutting up bit, tell him what you've told this board. How you don't care whether or not he loses weight, but just either do it or don't do it. Piss or get off the pot... Discuss what his true feelings are.

My husband keeps telling me, and I know he's joking, but I know it's in his mind, that the more I lose weight, the more attractive I will become to other men. My husband jokes and says, "You gonna get all skinny and find a new man?" Stuff like that. Deep down, I believe that men all have insecurities when women area trying to better themselves. Your boyfriend could be dealing with those types of feelings by induldging and not caring about his own weight.

Take it from me, I know what it's like to eat and don't care about what foods I'm eating depending on moods and feelings. I used to eat when happy, sad, mad, depressed, bored, etc.

I suggest talking to him...Start off by expressing your feelings, ask him his.

[sher801]

Re: Advice needed on significant other's diet

I'm probably the wrong person to be answering this thread, because my theory about life is $hit or get off the pot...and it sounds like your bf needs to get off the pot.

LMAO, I just said the same thing in my reply!!!

[Chasin2Kids]

Re: Advice needed on significant other's diet

"I just want him to either do it or stop saying he's going to do it and being defensive because he isn't. I also want him to stop acting like I'm judging him for not doing what I'm doing, which I'm not"

Have you told him this?

I think maybe its the old "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." You can encourage and do everything in y our power until your sick of it, but if he truly doesn't want to, he's not going to do it.

[boonie stomper]

Re: Advice needed on significant other's diet

LOL and ROFL... I'v got a brother with that sort of attitude, and there's really nothing I can do about it. 'It's my business' is the response to any prodding attempts I might make, such as 'you're having all that right after that big lunch' kind of thing.


He has to want it. If he thinks he's doing Atkins part-time to do it with you, he isn't doing Atkins at all. (Unless he really wants to lose weight, he's probably not going to). You have the power to groan about how heavy or out of shape he's getting (Especially in the bedroom ) and this can subconsciously make him desire to be fitter, without harping on his diet at all. If he's the rebel type, harping on him will only increase resistance to compliance.

At his height, 195 isn't necessarily a bad weight. If he exercises and builds some muscle where he loses any weight from the extra exercise alone, he might not need to give up all his extra foods. But he shouldn't rub it in your face.

Get him occupied with that exercise after your meal so he loses interest in the cereal, get in shape, and stop gaining. (You can take advantage of that, too!)

[abstractillusions]

Re: Advice needed on significant other's diet

In my opinion, he is doing what each and every one of us has done over the years of thinking about losing weight, he is yo-yoing, between committment and no committment. I think it might be best to just tune him out, we all have done the i am gonna and then not, the thing he is dealing with right now is 1) the want to, but no real committment, and 2) your doing it and making him (possibly) feel guilty for not doing it. Its not your fault, but unfortunately, you are the one who is getting the brunt of his what i call personal guilt.

In the end, there really isn't anything you can do unless you take active participation in helping him and his wanting your help. There are some good suggestions in others comments. Since he is so supportive of you, perhaps you can help him by for lack of better suggestion preparing him and his stuff. Which would be hard as you don't live together. But perhaps you can put together menus for him, when you eat together make extra so he can take that for lunch, snack, to have at home, prepare his house for him etc. Maybe in the end, he just has no clue how to start and do this correctly and it seems impossible to him even when he sees you doing it. But all said and done, he has to want to do it for himself, not just because you are doing it, if that makes sense.


i think you need to bluntly tell him how his comments about himself and such are frustrating because you don't know how to help. But until he is ready to do it, he won't; just like everyone here.

Unfortunately, maybe you just need to show him you are just listening as many many many people have done for many of us over the years when we were yo-yoing also. It may be hard to listen to it because you ARE doing something about it. Maybe sorting out the plan for him would be helpful to him, explain to him what you are doing and why in casual conversation as in sharing your day with him. You said he is supportive when you and he speak of your success, maybe being a little more detailed would help him understand how NON-restrictive this all is after the 1st two weeks and get him more able to do Atkins.

That is at best, my guess lol. Good luck, maybe at the beginning of the year he will get on the bandwagon with the rest of the resolutioners.

[knicknack]

Re: Advice needed on significant other's diet

Yeah, you're probably all right - i'll tell him that it's frustrating to me and see what he says. Maybe the s*** or get off the pot comment too. :P I don't really see that there is anything I can do to help him stick to it - my own experience tells me that it's just impossible to make someone do it if they don't really want to - so I'll just keep saying nothing and see how that goes. But next time he says something as if i'm judging or whatever, I'm going to confront him with the reality of the situation, namely that I'm not.

I guess it's hard to watch someone succeed when you can't. But, it's just a matter of wanting it more than another I guess. If he wanted it enough he'd do it.