Weight and emotion

[quotidianlight]

Until last year, even at my fattest I never got back to my pregnancy weight. I had my twins almost 11 years ago. I went from a tiny 24 inch waist to four feet around and dropped the extra weight quickly after birth. I never could blame my weight on having children, for me it was pure depression. My highest weight during pregnancy was 188 a week before labor (I refused to get on the scale when I went back). So when that number came and left last year I was upset and horrified. I didn't realize how much it affected me until this morning. I am now 179. Below 180. below the point I knew I was in trouble. I still have a LOT of weight to lose but right not the emotions are so intense. I want to cry. I feel low and yet relieved and saddened by how long it took. Even more saddened by how much longer it will take to feel like me again. I feel elated. I almost jumped on the scale and re-weighed twice in disbelief. I feel all mixed up. But mostly I feel confused. My bras have been giving me problems as well and after measuring I realized I am almost back to my size again. These huge 36C's have never felt like me. My band is shrinking. My breasts are shrinking. My bras shift all over the place and I'm scared. I am so scared to hope maybe I can buy a bra in my old size. I think I'm scared because what if I go in and a 34B still doesn't fit. What if it still gives me rolls. What if I try on my normal size pants and they still don't fit. I guess, in my happiness and relief I also feel cautious and too scared to hope too much.

When you gain weight because of emotion, losing weight is almost scarier than staying overweight.

[brandywine1241]

Re: Weight and emotion

It sounds to me like you are viewing this WOE you would any other "diet" and are equating weight loss with success. Maybe you could concentrate on how much better you are feeling as you learn to eat healthy and consider weight loss as a bonus. Even if you don't achieve your former weight you will NOT have failed. You will be giving your family a happier more vibrant mother and if you are incorporating what you are learning into their diets, you are giving them the priceless gift of the knowledge of how to eat healthy for life.

[quotidianlight]

Re: Weight and emotion

It isn't so much that loss equals success. It's more seeing the numbers go down is reminding me off all the reasons it went up. For me weight gain was a product of pushing down depression, self punishment and life. In losing it's scary because all that stuff starts to come up and seeing the number actually is scary. Now I have to deal with my emotions, face what I did to myself and why I can't hide it anymore and seeing smaller clothes is exciting and yet it's also really really scary.

In gaining weight I was abusing my body. Every time it hits me how much I have lost it's really exciting but it's also sad because I am reminded of how much more I have to go before I can look at my body and not be reminded of how bad my depression had gotten.

[APanthesilia]

Re: Weight and emotion

Quotidian, I think I understand where you are coming from. It is so emotional and sometimes scary for me too as I see the numbers go down. It makes me think of what I was dealing with when the numbers started going up and that's a bad mental place to be! Also it scares me to hope for too much. I want to be a size 8 but I haven't been a size 8 in about 8 years so it is like "can I even hope for that? maybe I should be more realistic and settle for a 12..." I understand looking at your body and being sadly reminded of how you got to that place and worrying that you could be there again. What I know more than any of that, though, is that the hard work you are putting into this is going to get you to a point where you are not only able to be happy with what you see in the mirror but you will also be bursting with pride for yourself and how you are in control. When I am scared and depressed that is what scares and depresses me -- the loss of control that I once had. And while it is intimidating to know I have a long way to go I feel better than I have in a long while because I know I am firmly taking control of my life.

I think you are right when you say losing is almost scarier than staying overweight! It's because being overweight is a comfort zone. For me I wouldn't look in the mirror, I tried not to ever think about my weight- it was just there and it was fine! Of course it wasn't fine but I just never thought about it- now that I'm losing I'm scrutinising myself every day and I have to think about my body and the destructive patterns that got me to such a bad place in the first place. It is scary to explore the hard parts of ourselves and decide to conquer them but I think you are doing great! I am inspired by your progress and I hope you are proud of yourself, too!

Hope this wasn't too rambley!

[quotidianlight]

Re: Weight and emotion

Amy, one of the things that gets me is that I fid this WOL so easy. It makes sense and after the few few weeks it just feels natural. I don't struggle the way I did even when I was eating "healthy" and not "gaining". And the thing that gets me is... if it is this easy, this simple and I feel this good then what I did was truly self abuse. It's like I've been living in a dirty glass house and someone has washed all the windows and now I'm standing in the door knowing I'm about to go outside for the first time. I was going along happily in bliss and when I saw that number it just hit me. 176 used to be my highest weight and when I hit 180 I told myself it was water weight, my TOM, I ate heavy food. But it took two months to get out of the 180's. I was actively LYING to myself! I'm pretty blown away and relieved that I found this WOL. The way I felt this morning reminded me of a show about women after gastric bypass surgery. All these women lost the weight but the reasons why they gained remained. Some gained back but more than a few went wild, had marriages break up, became depressed or had histories of abuse interrupt their lives. I told myself in the beginning that if this was going to work it would have to feel natural. Same with exercise. I just forgot one thing. If it is going to work I will have to confront and work through how I deal with depression and a long history of self injury. It's good work though and it's making me healthier and happier.