weight loss and divorce

[Mothercooter]

I am wondering if anyone has had experience with weight loss affecting your relationship. I have lost 65 lbs and went from a size 24 to a 12 and find I am not happy in my marriage. I actually never have been but had the mentality that I couldnt do any better until finding some self esteem. My husband also has horrible jealousy issues now that other ppl find me attractive (not that I care thats the last thing Im thinking at this point in my life) The truth is, I was married 3 yrs ago because I got pregnant. Yes one of those and truth be told hes a good guy, a great friend and any woman would be lucky to have him. Any woman that is actually physically attracted to him and has some kind of romantic feelings for him that is which isnt and never was me. I gained so much weight and was 100 lbs over what I once was and decided I could forgo romance and physical attraction and all that for a stable home for my kids and such. however, lonliness creeps in and you find yourself miserable and always feeling empty and like something is missing. Now I just dont know what to do. I have always known one day I would get a divorce and maybe one day I could find someone that I love in that way but I hate to break up my home but I am finally trying to find myself again after sinking into such a depression that I never even left the house.

I guess I am just wondering if extreme weight loss and relationship probs go hand in hand? Anyone have any advice?

[sallyseachange]

Re: weight loss and divorce

It's great that you feel so much better about yourself and have gained self-confidence and self-esteem. What a pity that it has such a sad side effect though. I feel for you and can understand totally where you're coming from.
Yes, it must be quite a dilemma... especially when there are children in the midst.

I know it's a corny saying, but truthfully, all the help I can offer is to say that ultimately you should "follow your heart". Just make sure you read your heart well (and kids are just as much part of "heart" as partners, though the love there is of a different kind).

Hugs to you.

[OzLover]

Re: weight loss and divorce

Totally understand where you are coming from. I would say be true to yourself & follow your heart. If you are truly unhappy in the relationship you aren't doing yourself, your children or your husband any favors.
Good luck!

[cookiecate]

Re: weight loss and divorce

You say he is a great guy and a good friend. That is a very good place to start. I would imagine that since you have been married there has been very little time for you and him to be just the two of you. Baby coming along and then your poor opinion of yourself joing the family and then of course your depression. Really you have had no time to get to find any fun in your relationship it has been hard and heavy.

Before you decide to start fresh give this guy a second chance. First you need to communicate to him how you feel. Men haven't a clue, you can be so unhappy and hubby just doesn't even notice, pretend he is just a little dumb and explain everything to him. He may well come up with some surprises.

I agree that an unhappy relationship is not something you should waste your life on. However, give it a try so that you know that you did. Very few people have the fortunate experience of having a perfect partnership but a good friend is a very large beginning you can fall in love with a friend.

Whatever happens best of everything to you, don't make any important decisions until you have your depression sorted out. The two of you have been through quite a lot in these few years and you have been through it together.

[sugarsack]

Re: weight loss and divorce

probably not a popular opinion.. however you owe it to your kids to try it... try being the wife you'd want to have if you were a man... i am a fan of dr Laura and before you dismiss my advice based on that.. listen to what she says 99% of the time.. fake it until you make it ... even if you dont "feel" it.. act like the wife you'd want to come home to... be loving, be kind, be attentive... the jealosy may be the manifestation of his fear of losing you .. obviously you dont stay where theres abuse, however you mentioned nothing about that.. so give him no reason to be jealous.. show him the love and attention you;d want to have.. and he just may reciprocate.. your kids will only be happy when mom and dad are loving toward eachother...

[colleenieweenie]

Re: weight loss and divorce

I have been through something similiar...

I married really young, was not preggo, but married my best friend to get away from my parents (who turned out to be really cool people I learned years later! haha )
I got pregnant and had our son Sebastian a year after we married - I knew not long after that, that I had made a major mistake. Nice guy, really funny - I had NO romantic feelings for him whatsoever. He was a wee bit lazy, no drive, no ambition, was perfectly content with "just getting by" - That was the major issue for me.

Because of my low self esteem - I gained 30lbs from the pregnancy, gained some lovely stretchmarks all over my tummy, thanks to my beautiful 9 lb, 10oz boy, I looked and felt awful! I was afraid to leave, afraid to do anything on my own.

A couple of years later...I started a new job, lost some weight, gained some confidence and started making big changes. Change #1 - Find a better paying job to support Sebastian and myself. Change #2 - Find a place to live that I can afford and not have to run home to the very same people I had left before. Change #3- Give homeboy the boot.

It was tough, I felt really mean and selfish, but I was 26 years old and knew I deserved more. It was important for me to have Sebastian grow up in a house that was happy - whether it was just with me or with two parents, it just needed to be happy, fun, interactive. His Dad and I didn't really interact with one another - we just coexisted..

It was the best thing I have ever done. My life is completely different now. I have a spouse I adore, who supports me. He listens to me rant about the flipping scale (ok, maybe not really listens, but he nods his head at the right times...), the kids, the dog, my hair, the neighbors I have had a couple more kids, lost all baby weight and I am back to what I weighed in high school.

It's such a tough decision to make. It affects so many people. If you're willing, maybe see a counselor, do a little 1:1 work and see what exactly you're looking for, or what you want out of the deal. Maybe they'll recommend couples sessions - who knows. Nothing wrong with trying. In the end, it was the best thing for my ex AND I - he is remarried with two kiddies as well and seems to be in a good place.

I wish you the best of luck.

[murphy'smom]

Re: weight loss and divorce

I agree with Colleen. Life is too short to not have love. Real love, not just 'best friends' love. You owe it to yourself and your children to live life to the fullest. I am going through a divorce, and I stayed for years for my daughter. She loves her dad very much, and I wanted her to grow up with him. I went from not being in love with him, to detesting him and being lonely all the time. I am so much happier now, and my daughter is just fine. My kids are happier, because I am happier! I never want to teach my kids that it is ok to 'settle' for less than they deserve. People make mistakes, I made a mistake when I got married because I was pregnant again. (I have a son of my own that I brought). Forgive yourself, and do what is best for you. I often find the hardest things to do are often the right things. I wasted 9 years taking the 'easy way out' and staying with my husband (for me is was the easy way). Now, I am 33 years old and love being my own woman. I went back to school (I get my Cosmetology licence in September) and have lost 15 pounds and am so much healthier.
Good luck to you, do some honest soul searching and you will find your path.

[LivinLowCarb2008]

Re: weight loss and divorce

You say he is a great guy and a good friend. That is a very good place to start. I would imagine that since you have been married there has been very little time for you and him to be just the two of you. Baby coming along and then your poor opinion of yourself joing the family and then of course your depression. Really you have had no time to get to find any fun in your relationship it has been hard and heavy.Before you decide to start fresh give this guy a second chance. First you need to communicate to him how you feel. Men haven't a clue, you can be so unhappy and hubby just doesn't even notice, pretend he is just a little dumb and explain everything to him. He may well come up with some surprises.I agree that an unhappy relationship is not something you should waste your life on. However, give it a try so that you know that you did. Very few people have the fortunate experience of having a perfect partnership but a good friend is a very large beginning you can fall in love with a friend.
Whatever happens best of everything to you, don't make any important decisions until you have your depression sorted out. The two of you have been through quite a lot in these few years and you have been through it together.

what a great post. Yes, never make such an important decision until the depression is taken care of.Many hugs to you...

[Mothercooter]

Re: weight loss and divorce

Thanks for all the advice. This isnt just some rash decision. I have been thinking about it for years now. We have been together for 6 years (only married for 3) and I have been "faking it" for that long. Its not like we just lost the romance...it was never there. I thought if it was going to come, it would have in 6 years but it never did. Instead, a friendship grew as we got into church and he became a better guy. Still though i have no romantic feelings there. I know it will be a big change for my kids but I also know that I am the one setting the example of love and marriage for them and anyone who is around us for even 10 mins can tell we arent happy when we dont touch, kiss, ect. I guess the worst part is at night when I lie in bed (each on our own side under our seperate blankets) I think about feeling that way about somebody someday and can actually imagine him with someone else who can love him like that. You know there is a prob when you wish your husband would find someone. lol

Im in no rush though and just want to do what is right for everyone. I want us both to be happy and not just the happy we are now, living as friends raising our kids but really in love and I know that exsists somewhere out there.

Oh well thanks for listening.

[LivinLowCarb2008]

Re: weight loss and divorce

I thought if it was going to come, it would have in 6 years but it never did. Instead, a friendship grew as we got into church and he became a better guy. Still though i have no romantic feelings there. I know it will be a big change for my kids but I also know that I am the one setting the example of love and marriage for them and anyone who is around us for even 10 mins can tell we arent happy when we dont touch, kiss, ect. I guess the worst part is at night when I lie in bed (each on our own side under our seperate blankets) I

You're lying there separately. Have you ever thought of moving toward him and cuddling? It almost doesn't even sound like a friendship the way you describe it. At least friends hug sometimes and show affection.

I'm wondering if you cuddled him at night, if it would start something. You have to start from someplace, right? If you try, you'll truly know you did everything you could before splitting. Also, how does HE feel? Have you discussed any of this with him? Maybe he would be more forward with you, which would cause feelings to develop? Feelings can't develop in a vaccuum.

[LivinLowCarb2008]

Re: weight loss and divorce

I have always known one day I would get a divorce and maybe one day I could find someone that I love in that way \

*sigh* It seems your foot was "out the door" a long time ago. Difficult to develop romantic feelings that way.



{{{hugs}}}}

[SueSue1212]

Re: weight loss and divorce

OK, well this is probably not going to be your favorite post but here it goes. If you don't, nor ever found him attractive, HOW and WHY did you get pregnant? There had to be some sort of spark there to ignite at least a small flame. Sex and TV romance is not all it is cracked up to be, it is not like they show on TV. Your young and your still looking for that hot passionate romance right? Well, those guys are generally only the ones who want to get a piece of A** and as soon as they do your just old news. Any marriage that works well, works because the husband and wife are best friends. I mean by all means if he is abusive, lazy or just plain disgusting get rid of him fast, but if you just wanting fireworks you may be making a mistake. Remember, just like the fireworks on the 4th of July they only last a short time and then the sky is black again and then you'll be in the same boat you are now having to make this decision again say in 5 or 10 years. Have you tried just flat out telling him this is how it is going to have to be or else we will have to seperate? If you tell him up front that he needs to love, hold, caress and care for you, hold your hand in public and kiss you in front of his friends and then he chooses not to, at least he has made the decision for you. Another point to is your children will want to know why they had to come from a broken home and telling them it was because of lack of physical attraction to someone you slept with and now are not attracted to may make you look a little shallow. Just make sure that it is really what you want to do, because once it is done it is too late. Please remember this post 20 years from now, either way.
Best of Luck
SueSue1212

[LivinLowCarb2008]

Re: weight loss and divorce

OK, well this is probably not going to be your favorite post but here it goes. If you don't, nor ever found him attractive, HOW and WHY did you get pregnant? There had to be some sort of spark there to ignite at least a small flame. Sex and TV romance is not all it is cracked up to be, it is not like they show on TV. Your young and your still looking for that hot passionate romance right? Well, those guys are generally only the ones who want to get a piece of A** and as soon as they do your just old news. Any marriage that works well, works because the husband and wife are best friends. I mean by all means if he is abusive, lazy or just plain disgusting get rid of him fast, but if you just wanting fireworks you may be making a mistake. Remember, just like the fireworks on the 4th of July they only last a short time and then the sky is black again and then you'll be in the same boat you are now having to make this decision again say in 5 or 10 years. Have you tried just flat out telling him this is how it is going to have to be or else we will have to seperate? If you tell him up front that he needs to love, hold, caress and care for you, hold your hand in public and kiss you in front of his friends and then he chooses not to, at least he has made the decision for you. Another point to is your children will want to know why they had to come from a broken home and telling them it was because of lack of physical attraction to someone you slept with and now are not attracted to may make you look a little shallow. Just make sure that it is really what you want to do, because once it is done it is too late. Please remember this post 20 years from now, either way.
Best of Luck
SueSue1212

That was an awesome post. yep. There had to be a spark somewhere, huh? so true that the romantic fireworks subside after a while. What a great post.

[Rick]

Re: weight loss and divorce

Ok, I'll post from the other side of this fence... I've been through this,and I was the husband.

I thought things were great, was happy and all was well.

This is difficult to talk about, so I hope you will appreciate that...

One day my ex came to me and said... "I love you, but I don't know if I'm in love with you". That one sentence broke my heart in more ways than you can imagine. But.... it also set me free.

I was in the same boat as she was, I just didn't know it at the time. I thought I was in love... but, when it was all over I realized that it didn't hurt like it should have. If it were really "love", it would have been worse.

What I'm trying to say is that I agree with you. If it doesn't hurt, then something is missing. I wish that it was different.. and that you had the perfect relationship... it just doesn't always happen.

That being said... what is perfect? Can it be found?

The bottom line is this... are you happy? If the answer is NO... and you think you will be better off without him, and on your own.. then you have to do what you have to do. You'll be better off, and happier doing your own thing. If the answer is different, then that's where your problems lie.

You are the only one that can make the decision.

[LivinLowCarb2008]

Re: weight loss and divorce

If she's always thought she would divorce, during the whole relationship, then her foot was out the door, and how would any feelings develop? She would have had to at least had an open mind to even have any feelings. And, like the other post said...there was some type of spark at one time..they had a baby!