Friends or Foe's?

[Razzle39]

I posted the below in my journal but I thought I would start a thread to see what everyone feels on this subject and maybe get some personal experiences from all of you

My best friend from high school called me this morning and wants to plan a weekend away for our 40th birthdays. Mine is in May and hers is in June. I can remember Alli hiking with me to the top of a mountain when she was 8 months pregnant. I huffed and puffed and she charged up like it was nothing. <sigh> Now the pressure is really on. I can imagine she will want to wrestle salmon out of the mouths of Grizzlies or kayak down some water way with a nickname like dead man's falls.
I have always been the chubby one...the funny one...I make everyone laugh at my attempts to appear graceful, strong and athletic. Including myself. God, I love to laugh at myself. Maybe thats the problem...I have not taken myself and my health as serious as it is. I guess this accident has opened my eyes.
I read somewhere that the key to acheiving great success is by picturing yourself how you want to be and then telling yourself I am that person. I am strong lean and adventourous..then the subconscious mind will start igniting behaviors to help you acheive that goal. I dont know if this works but I do know that I have always seen myself as the chubby one that attempts to be strong lean and adventourous and makes everyone piss thier pants with laughter. As much as I like her....Its time for a change.

I have read about people who have lost mega weight and then they lost friends. I wonder if this is why. I wonder if people like the peices of the puzzle as they are. Everything fits why change it. Maybe I think too much. I know that as my body changes people will start to see me differently.

What do you guys think? Do people treat you different?

[Lyssie]

Re: Friends or Foe's?

Hrm. I have a best friend... she and I have been friends for about 23 years. Growing up, neither of us were skinny, but I was always bigger (and funnier if I do say so myself). She was always the one who was more put together, and had her life in order and always made sure that I was okay, and taken care of. Anyway, we have these roles that we became accustomed to...

When I turned 18, I moved away, and lost a lot of weight (with Atkins of course), and had a job in the corporate world making millions (okay, not millions but a good amount), and she quit college to get married. When I went back for the wedding (and a period of time afterwards), things were pretty strange with adjusting to the changes - I was now thinner than her, and didn't rely on her for things... and it was really strange for both of us. We ended up actually talking about it, and about how we both felt a little uncomfortable with dealing with these new roles... At the end of it all though, the fact remains that we love being around each other, and have a blast, no matter who is paying for what, or who is being looked at, or anything like that. I may be running half marathons while she's staying at home raising kids, but we're both supportive of each other and what the other one is doing, and if either of us needed anything, we can always seek it out from the other one.

That being said, I have also lost friends, but that makes me debate whether they were ever real friends. THe people I view as real friends are ones that have stuck by me, and have always been there, no matter what I look like, or what I'm going through, and may be willing to smack me when I insult myself, but smile whenever I compliment myself.

[MommaRuthie]

Re: Friends or Foe's?

Growing up my sister was always enthusiastically described as beautiful and if I happened to be present in the room the phrase, "and Ruthie you have such a great personality" was the one liner add on that I got for years and years... I strived very hard to develop a great sense of humor/personality/ because that is all I thought I had... and as the years went by and I gained weight that great personality afforded me some great freindships. I was always the bigger one in the group even at my fittest in the army which is where I developed a tremendous sense of self esteem. I took that self esteem, humor, and personaltiy and used it to my advantage to suceed in the world but becuase I had self esteem I had a hard time wanting to lose the weight-I honestly could look in the mirror and see someone who was just slightly overwieght(not 90-100 pounds overweight) And now I am almost 30 pounds lighter and 1/3 of the way to my total goal! It is hard sometimes to stay motivated. My friendsips have not diminished, in fact i feel that some of them have grown since losing weight (I actually went clothes shopping with my girlfriends instead of going solo... I always had a lame excuse not to go with them and we had such a great time) Your friendships will change. They will change whether you lose wieght, gain weight, or stay the same weight. Change is the only constant in this world... How your friendships change (or don't change) depends on you. Wow, I guess I'm feeling pretty wordy today... Have a good day!

[Razzle39]

Re: Friends or Foe's?

You both are so right. Its about the quality of the friendship. Communicating about the role change with your friend Lyssie is awesome. She is definetly a friend for life. A true blessing, hang on to her.
I have been reading peoples journals lately. I find them inspiring and sometimes I feel like..."Why do we all struggle so much with this?" Many of us have the same experiences and all of us have the same goal!
"I was almost to goal and then I didnt exercise for 3 days....I dont know why?"
"I ate a bowl of pasta...WHY did I do this? I want to lose this weight and I keep self sabotaging."
"I had the cake at the party because my family made me feel guilty."
or my favorite of the bunch
"I had decided to schedule a planned cheat.2 days later I was still cheating."
I can remember a moment in my life as I was gaining weight and I thought...Ok you are a big girl..except it. And I did. I have been a big girl in my Big girl world now for about 7 years. Stick me in a Barbie World and I may find myself feeling a little insecure. Are you following me? I am wondering if our roles with our friends and family and the changes that take place thrusting us into roles we werent ready for makes us run for carbs and those big sweats in the back of the closet.
When my friend Allie called me this morning we laughed like crazy about all the ridiculous things I have done in an attempt to keep up with all my thin, strong, gorgeous friends. I couldnt help but wonder, What is she going to feel when she gets Laura Croft instead of BoBo the clown.

[Lyssie]

Re: Friends or Foe's?

She will still love you... and then you guys can go boulder running together, and do more adventures together instead of her sprinting ahead.

[widget246k]

Re: Friends or Foe's?

I was actually in the reverse role when I was 18 or 19. My best friend in the whole world was over 325 pounds and I was 115. She had so many demons besides just her weight and I was the one who had it (and still has it) all together. While I can't say what it's like from the other side as I have been at most 10 pounds overweight and that was after having a baby, I know how hard it was for me to try and help her feel good about herself and not make everything into an issue about weight. If I wanted to exercise or eat right, she took that very personally as if I was calling her fat when that was never my intention. It put alot of strain on our friendship for the longest time. I did everything I could, but I almost felt like the only way for her to feel okay was for me to either gain a ton of weight or her to lose a ton. Well, at 19 she got gastric bypass surgery and never dealt with any of her underlying demons and emotional issues with eating. She became pregnant with an almost complete stranger's baby after she lost the weight. That was the beginning of the end for us. I still love her and talk to her every now and then, but not everyday like a few years ago. I still sometimes wish that I would have done something to fix our friendship and to clear the air about the whole weight and jealousy thing. If I could give you any advice, it would to just be open and honest with your friend. If she's a true friend, she'll totally understand it all. And in the meantime, you have plenty of time to build up your fitness and enduarnce level to keep up with her! Good luck!

[Razzle39]

Re: Friends or Foe's?

I am going to kick her but...lol Thats so sao about your friend Widget. It almost sounds like the green eyed monster was at work there.

[Razzle39]

Re: Friends or Foe's?

Did I say sao I meant sao and sad...lol I really should pre-read before I submit

MommaRuthie- I totally understand about the sister thing. My sister was a straight A student and beautiful.She went on to live in London and work part time on a catwalk.

[Alexa]

Re: Friends or Foe's?

Hey Razzle,

I would say I agree that it really depends on the friendship. Relationships can shift when someone is making (all kinds of) changes to their life - but the awkwardness needn't be a problem. My BF was weird for a while, for example, but we sorted it out.

If someone appears really annoyed about what is a great thing for you then that is their issue - they should be happy for you.

[Razzle39]

Re: Friends or Foe's?

Alexa,
I think she will be fine...other than annoyed at the competition .
I just think sometimes we subconsciously sabotage ourselves in our diets so that we can stay in the comfort zones of our roles

[Razzle39]

Re: Friends or Foe's?

Ok, here is another one I wasnt expecting......my husband.
We hear about the men out there that sabotage there wives by bringing home potatochips 6 days in a row. Insecure wives that find ways to trip up there husbands from going to the gym.

My husband was married for 13 years. His ex-wife lost a large amount of weight.....something like 130 pounds and then she left him for another man.

I know that my husband has some issues starting already. He works the overnight every Saturday. Last saturday he called to tell me that I must have left my cell phone in the car because he had it. I was speaking to my friend on my phone shortly before my husband left for work and I was no where near the car. He admitted to me yesterday that my working at losing weight is making him insecure.

Can everyone say marraige counseling?

[Lyssie]

Re: Friends or Foe's?

Um... look at his history. It would make me pretty insecure too. I'm not really sure how you weren't expecting that to happen with him. I feel like reassuring him is probably a first step in it.. at least he was open enough to admit that he felt like that, which is a huge deal... unless you secretly are planning on leaving him once you are done losing weight. In which case, I think that telling him you're not is just mean. :P

[Razzle39]

Re: Friends or Foe's?

LOL...I know your right. I think he is the greatest thing walking on this earth and I really thought he knew that. I have no problem boosting his ego as I already do every chance I get. I guess I should have seen it coming but I really didnt....DUH!

As a side note, the other man dumped his ex-wife a week after she left my husband and she has been alone and miserable for the last 6 years.