I don't know whether to strangle her or be thankful

[kibskix]

Ugh.


My mother is just tickin' me off today!
Ok here's the deal. My mom's getting married next fall. She's oh... 5'4/ 5'5ish and about 145lbs. Not huge, but she's about 30lbs heavier than she used to be. She always whines about wanting to lose weight, but never does anything about it (we all know what thats like) so when i decided to lose weight she wanted along for the ride, because she knew i'd lost weight doing atkins before. I was all excited to have someone to do it with, and we stocked up the kitchen and all that good stuff and got all gung-ho about it.
Two weeks later, and she still hasn't completed 1 single day without a cheat. Its really starting to annoy me. I don't know if its annoying me more because she's just not trying, or that she seems to be secretly trying to sabotage me into cheating WITH her. I'm working darn hard and I haven't cheated 1 single time, and half the time she seems to seek me out to cheat in front of me. Yesterday she finished off a huge bag of chocolate covered raisins (which she secretly bought while I wasn't there) right in front of me while I was on my gazelle working out. I don't know if thats irritating or motivation, but either way it's not what we agreed, man!
Last weekend I went to my boyfriends house and packed all my own food so I'd be good, and she teased me for it. The week before that when he was over here, she ordered TWO pizzas, bbq hot wings, chips, and a dr.pepper from dominos, then claimed it was for him cause we had no "good food" in the house! Then I sat and watched her eat pizza for two days.
She won't work out, and makes all sorts of excuses for it. Today she complained about being hungry so she ate 3 sugar free chocolate pudding cups (which I also didn't know she'd bought).
She's not a weak-willed person, I don't know why she's being like this. Just now she came into the office with a glass of grand marnier and talking about how she's lost 4lbs. So now she's going to think she can keep cheating and get away with it. But when I talk about the amount of weight I need to lose or how much i've already lost, she says the classic mother things like "you're not fat, you don't need to lose weight" and argues with me instead of just saying "congrats", which makes me feel like I should just keep the whole thing to myself and have no support system, which isn't healthy either. I just don't get why if a person knows they're cheating, they think they have any right to whine about being fat. I wish she'd either do it right and quit cheating or just say she isn't doing it and stop complaining! But at the same time, its almost motivational because I swear I was like that at one time, and I do NOT want to be that again. argh!

[chinadoll]

Re: I don't know whether to strangle her or be thankful

Hang in there Kib. Although your mom is not weak she may be weak in this area and she is probably scared that you are gonna be dynamite for her wedding and she, the bride, won't look the way she'd like. As for the sabotage, there comes a time when you become an adult that you have that big adult conflict with MOM. It may be time for you to be very calm and frank and just say straight out-- I don't like how you are behaving in front of me and I will not buy into it or put up with it. If you want to buy and eat junk and pretend you are losing fine, but I at least expect the courtesy you would give an acquaintance or neighbor and not have you deliberately aggravating me and attempting to undermine my goals. I have a goal and I will work towards it with or without you. When you finally get serious I will be here to help. In the meantime, please allow me to follow ny own healthy path. ---She won;t like it and may use a little guilt on you, but maybe she will rethink her attitude and actions.

Even if you decide not to say anything, at least thinking what you would like to say sometimes makes you feel better.

[kibskix]

Re: I don't know whether to strangle her or be thankful

blah. I need to just put it out of my head that she's doing it with me, because she's on my "Team" and isn't doing it "right" and thats whats annoying me. I'm a competitive person and I made a conscious decision to use that in my favor to stick to the plan, because there's no way its going to beat me! lol. My talking about the good results i've had might just be getting on her nerves too, I have a friend who's obsessed with the gym and thats all he talks about and i'm happy for him but sometimes I just wanna poke him in the eye to have something else to talk about lol

[chinadoll]

Re: I don't know whether to strangle her or be thankful

Sounds like a great plan to me. You have your head where it needs to be. If she can't be there with you there is nothing you can do for her until she is ready. But kudos to you for sticking to your guns.

[SunnySmile501]

Re: I don't know whether to strangle her or be thankful

Chinadoll has given you some awesome advice. Make your competitions on ADBB--join some challenges with people that will hold up their end of the bargain.

That's the only thing I miss about eDiets. We had team challenges and I would go to great lengths not to let my team members down. I might break my word to myself, but not to my team. Every challenge had to involve weight loss or maintenance, exercise, staying on plan (food) and water.

[basketballbelly]

Re: I don't know whether to strangle her or be thankful

Can I sugges that you either 1: send her a link to this site and have her read the post, or 2: say those words you just said to us to her.

Keep on doing what you are doing, when you are smaller she will be kicking herself and making statements like, "where did I go wrong" or "I could be as thin as you" but if it were my mom, I would tell her what was bothering me and give her a swift (verbal) kick in the butt and get her on track! My mom passed at age 62 from complications of obesity. I wish I had known then what I know now

Go over this weekend and make her tons of really good inductions foods (recipies you can probably get here) stock her frig so she does not have to do any of the work, she might get on track and stay cheat free for a week if you do that...

Good luck

bbb

[C P]

Re: I don't know whether to strangle her or be thankful

Hi Kibs,

You've had some really good advice in the replies so far. I think that all the great and positive benefits we feel when we are doing Atkins actually can make it harder to deal with people we care about, who don't/won't/can't apply theselves to it, and therefore reap the same benefits we are! My DH is doing Atkins with me, although he has a lot less to lose than me, but he does have potential pre-diabetic blood sugar issues. I have to stop myself getting really cross with him when he cheats - because I want him to be healthy and I know this way of eating will help him to be so.

Even if you decide not to say anything, at least thinking what you would like to say sometimes makes you feel better.

You can also take this a stage further - some people suggest writing a letter to the person who is aggravating you, especially when you would find it difficult to deal with a verbal confrontation. In the letter you lay it on the line exactly how you feel about the situation between you, how you feel about their behaviour and the dynamics of the relationship between you. You never actually send it, but the thinking is that by writing it down you give yourself a chance to identify what you really feel. You've already done this to an extent by writing the post, but by making the letter to your mum, you also kind of fool your brain into believing that you have dealt directly with her, and it then becomes easier to cope with and less stressful, less likely to keep churning around in your mind again and again. I think that's the gist of the theory anyway. You destroy the letter later. Some people do something like burning the paper to 'symbolise' the end of the matter. I must admit the only time I tried it I just shredded the letter (much less dramatic and more modern!) It was still very effective and very cathartic though!

Although you have described your mum really well in your post, you are the only one of us who really knows her, and how the relationship between you 'works' (and the times when it doesn't work!) So, of course you can pick your options from the advice you've already had, or take an altogether different route of your own! Mum or not she should respect you and your choices, but I would just say to weigh up your options carefully.

Continuing to lead by example could be all it will need in the long run...

CP

[ceemarie]

Re: I don't know whether to strangle her or be thankful

Remember you are responsible for yourself. When she says things or dose things that are temptations to derail you - just turn the other cheek and smile and be the example of how the diet will be successful. Be the leader, not the follower.

[msanjelpie]

Re: I don't know whether to strangle her or be thankful

Obviously she doesn't want to be on Atkins... and since she isn't over 250lbs obese, she doesn't need to be literally...

I would just consider her not doing the diet, and forget about it... concentrate on yourself... I'm sure this isn't the first time she hasn't supported you 100% on something that's important to you...