excuses and tips on how say "No" without hurting the feeling of someone dear

[myquest2shine]

How do you say No to a loved one or a friend without hurting their feelings when they have made special plans or made extra effort to please everyone?...I had a hard time saying NO to my sister-in-law the other day.The whole family ate at a local Pizza Parlor and I was planning to eat chicken and salad, I was thinking ,this was easy.. I even brought my homemeade lowcarb chocolate cheesecake for dessert.. but when the food was served my SIL wen't around and made sure that everybody eats " a little bit of everything"...She knows that I'm on Atkins but she still insisted and even told me that, my mom-in-law (she's doing CAD) and I should not diet on Family Fun days(during weekends) ...so I ended up eating a Reward meal instead... I love my sister-in-law but she's the kind of person that wouldn't take NO for an answer..She's leaving for a 2 week vacation on Wed. so I told my MIL and my other SIL to start induction tom and I, continue my interrupted extended induction..my In-laws love to eat too(but they are thin) and we bond alot through food..and it's giving me a hard time....any tips on how to say NO?

[atkinsgal08]

Re: excuses and tips on how say "No" without hurting the feeling of someone dear

You simply say "No, thank you." You repeat as necessary. You say what you mean and then you ACT on what you said.

Bottom line ... who's in charge of what YOU eat? (Hint ... you.)

Your sister-in-law is the one in charge of her feelings and her eating. You're not forcing her to eat anything she doesn't want to eat are you? So why is it acceptable behavior for her (or anyone else) to do the same to you?

Now ... let's look at what happened when you ate this Reward meal. Who learned what? Your sister-in-law learned that her bullying tactics and behavior worked (again). So she's learned to continue her behavior to get her way.

You've learned that you don't mean "no" when you say it.

In my own experiences, when I've been at family parties (such as my aunt's 90th birthday party) ... and the dessert was served, I said "No, thank you". Even though the cake was still put down in front of me, I CHOSE not to eat it. (I'm not a fan of wasting food either!) The CHOICE was mine to make. Yep, some cousins wondered how or why I wasn't eating it ... and then they went back to eating their piece ... and I bet that two years after this party, the only person who remembers that I didn't eat cake is me.

Your sister-in-law can INSIST all she wants ... that's her choice. You have a choice, too. You are responsible to YOU.

Dr. Phil says that we teach people how to treat us ... if you want your sister-in-law (or anyone) to treat you with respect, then you have to respect yourself first.

Now ... how is it that you sister-in-law made sure everybody ate a little bit of something? Did she tie people to the chair and prop open their mouths and force feed? If it's a matter of "insisting" that a little bit of something is on your plate ... well, YOU put the fork/spoon in it and put it in your mouth!

So ... time to think about where the responsibility for what you eat really lies.

Yes, learning to say "No, thank you" and acting on it isn't always the easiest battle ... but it's one that you can win.

Also ... ask yourself this ... if you were allergic to shrimp, would your sister-in-law insist you ate it?

Then ask yourself what's so different about your decision not to eat certain other foods?

And then ask yourself why your sister-in-law (or anybody else) gets to be in control of what you eat?

Also ... you don't need an "excuse" why you're not eating something.

[Whatsername]

Re: excuses and tips on how say "No" without hurting the feeling of someone dear

I like what J. said about who will remember it after the fact? Who felt bad after the dinner? Sometimes what I say to myself is "At the end of the day, what will make me happy?".

My in-laws were visiting this weekend and we did the pizza thing. I just ordered a salad/grilled chicken. I was happy with that. I was waiting for some comments but nobody said anything (amazingly). I just decided I wasn't going to make myself feel bad. I know it is not easy to say No or do your own thing. Can you use some humor and kind of laugh it off somehow? Plus, in the situation you were in, your SiL had plenty of other people to please so she can focus on them. If she knows you are doing Atkins and she can't support that, it is out of your control and it is her issue. All you can do is smile and be polite and do what is best for you.

Jane

[barrnone]

Re: excuses and tips on how say "No" without hurting the feeling of someone dear

You have to be firm and just say no, they will eventually 'get it'. The more you do it, the easier it will be. If your SIL sees that she can't win, she'll quit playing the game and it won't be an issue any longer.

[jcapulet]

Re: excuses and tips on how say "No" without hurting the feeling of someone dear

She knows that I'm on Atkins but she still insisted and even told me that,

Well that's kinda rude of her. If you were a vegetarian, would she also insist you eat meat? Or if you were a diabetic, would she offer you sugar? What you eat is your choice, 100%, because it directly affects your health. As Atkinsgal said, just repeat "no thank you" and if they plop it on your plate anyway, let it sit there.

my mom-in-law (she's doing CAD) and I should not diet on Family Fun days(during weekends) ...

You could try making it clear to your SIL that you are not on a "diet." Make a point that this is your permanent way of eating, for the rest of your life. She is trying to get you to eat the food by dismissing your efforts as a "diet" that you will probably give up soon. Stick to your guns, and stand your ground.

[MandaLynch]

Re: excuses and tips on how say "No" without hurting the feeling of someone dear

This is interesting. I didn't want to tell anyone I was on Atkins because of the harp it gets from a lot of people. My husband decided to start telling people that I was on it, and everyone has left me alone about any type of food. I have about as much weight to lose as you do. I am amazed on how respectful my friends and family are being about it.
Next time this happens, have some excuses lined up. Tell them you just drank a lot of water and are full. Say (insert illegal food) makes you feel bloated and you'd rather skip it this time around. I think once you start refusing it so many times they are going to understand that you really are not going to eat it, and I would think/hope they would stop pushing it on you.

[cocobelle]

Re: excuses and tips on how say "No" without hurting the feeling of someone dear

Tell them that you've talked with your doctor about your diet. He recommended changes - eating heathier. Don't necessarily have to go into details. Leave it at that. I tell people that I'm focusing on meats, fruits and vegetables. (I don't eat the fruit yet, but they don't need to know that!)

[mission to lose]

Re: excuses and tips on how say "No" without hurting the feeling of someone dear

How do you say No to a loved one or a friend without hurting their feelings ......when the food was served my SIL wen't around and made sure that everybody eats " a little bit of everything"...She knows that I'm on Atkins but she still insisted and even told me that, my mom-in-law (she's doing CAD) and I should not diet on Family Fun days(during weekends) ...

You got really good advice here. Yes, it is sometimes difficult.

It really does make me crazy though when someone else feels they can tell you what to put in your mouth!!! Possibly your SIL has a control problem.

I have a sister like this, and she feels it is her job to run everyone's life in every thing they do!!! Because of this, unfortunately, we don't involve her in many family things any more. It is sad, but she kept ruining every get together and the rest of us decided since she won't stop her bad behavior, we will just have to see less of her. We felt we need to be happy at these occassions, and my sister is only happy when she is making the rest of us miserable!!! Hopefully someday she will see this and change her ways.

[msanjelpie]

Re: excuses and tips on how say "No" without hurting the feeling of someone dear

Sounds like 'Family Fun Day' wasn't too 'fun' for you... A lot of people associate eating with fun... but for some "the overweight' it is not fun, it is dangerous.

I agree with taking the food and then just not sticking it in your mouth... You may not have control over what other people stick in front of you, but you do have control over that fork... had you pulled out the food you brought at that point, it would have hammered that message home that you will not be controlled, for fun or any other reason...

If they bring up the 'fun' part... say that being fat is not 'fun' for you... If they assure you that you are 'not fat' say, well I will be if I keep eating the way I am...

There is always a rebuttal... have them ready before hand and you will be set. The LAST thing you should be worrying about is hurting somebody else's feelings... What about your feelings? Getting healthy means putting yourself first. Always. As hard as it may be.

[Suzanne_H]

Re: excuses and tips on how say "No" without hurting the feeling of someone dear

Students and coworkers offer me treats all the time... mainly because for years I happily accepted and ATE them! LOL

Today I receive the gift, say thanks, and later quietly dispose of it out of sight usually by giving it away.

Most folks who offer gifts of food don't stick around to make sure it's consumed. They just like knowing the gift was received. Even if they do ask later, it's not crushing to the soul to find out the person never ate it or had offered it to a friend.

As to your SIL, I wonder how it would be if next time she checks everyone's plate to allow the additions without eating them? Or I think you said it was pizza? Is it possible to enjoy the toppings without the crust?

Something that I did wonder about was the idea of a reward dinner. I think of Atkins as a way of taking care of myself, not a punishment. My rewards come with weight loss, increased energy, and improved health. There are so many really great foods to eat I think if I wanted to reward myself with food I could do that and stay on the WOE. Just a few thoughts... I'm glad you're back, sis. xoxox

[atkinsgal08]

Re: excuses and tips on how say "No" without hurting the feeling of someone dear

>>have some excuses lined up.>>

Why do you (we) need an "excuse"? Why can't, "No, thank you" be enough?

[Kntrylady]

Re: excuses and tips on how say "No" without hurting the feeling of someone dear

Lots of great advice coming your way I see. For me, it will depend on where I am and who I'm with.

If it's with good friends or family, I will 'explain' that this is for my health, and please love me enough to support me and not sabotage me in my efforts. By explaining it that way, it kind of stops them in their tracks to not be supportive.

If it's what I call acquaintance friends or at restaurants, I may lie, and say I'm diabetic and can't have any sugars or any kind and/or very allergic to wheat (for the breads, pastas explanation).

Like everyone else has said, this is for you, not them. You must make the choice of what goes into your mouth as it will affect you.

Good luck

[ziggy]

Re: excuses and tips on how say "No" without hurting the feeling of someone dear

i just say no thanks i cant eat that im on atkins and some people/freinds say: ok i wont force you i will respect that

then theres people/freinds who are healthy and in shape work out ALOT and eat alot of fruit and dont have insulin resistant cells or have ever been fat telling people/freinds who are in them shoes that i cant eat to much fruit requires alot of explaining to do on my part

[soon2bslim]

Re: excuses and tips on how say "No" without hurting the feeling of someone dear

I had a hard time saying NO to my sister-in-law the other day.The whole family ate at a local Pizza Parlor and I was planning to eat chicken and salad, I was thinking ,this was easy.. I even brought my homemeade lowcarb chocolate cheesecake for dessert.. but when the food was served my SIL wen't around and made sure that everybody eats " a little bit of everything"...She knows that I'm on Atkins but she still insisted and even told me that, my mom-in-law (she's doing CAD) and I should not diet on Family Fun days(during weekends) ...so I ended up eating a Reward meal instead... I love my sister-in-law but she's the kind of person that wouldn't take NO for an answer..

I've been there and insistent pushy family members are very difficult for me because i don't want to hurt their feelings (esp when the food is homemade) but it's up to me to control my diet. I finally started saying something like 'what a beautiful spread, i care about you and your feelings but really, today, i'm sure you'll agree, i have to put my health first, thank you so much for being gracious and understanding where i'm coming from'....this often works w/ the pushy people in my life...however...the retort is oftem 'oh c'mon, a small piece of _____ isn't going to kill you' >>> Now , if i have 'a small piece of _____ ', i certainly won't lose, i may just stay the same or gain a small amount but for me, the ramifications extend because i know i am more likely to get into a downward spiral - totally off path but i don't want to have to explain this to my host (i'd probably get a lecture on self discipline as a 'gift') so i generally just reiterate that this is not about you Ms Pushy Person, but about my health and thanks for understanding. Usually i survive.

I love the comments that AtkinsGal08 made, it puts things in wonderful perspective, I wish DANDR had some assertiveness techniques to help navigate these situations.

Good Luck!

[myquest2shine]

Re: excuses and tips on how say "No" without hurting the feeling of someone dear

To all those who replied ..I couldn't thank you enough for all the love and support you are giving me...Sometimes, the only time I feel safe is when I'm in the Atkins forum because I know you all understand what I'm going through..evrytime I feel hungry, feel lost, feel tired of exercising or feel like giving up, this board, and you my fellow Atkineers give me the hope, strength and courage to go on...

Very well said everyone...Thank you... It's either I'm just too polite or I'm just plain weak and stupid for not standing my ground...
I would have to be firm when I say NO nextime or else Family Fun Day truly wouldn't be fun at all..

I just have to make them understand that I'm not on any diet. This is how I chose to eat for the rest of my life..Honestly I have never felt this great before.. I feel free and normal doing Atkins..I can eat this way for the rest of my life.

It's funny though, I guess it's humor why I keep on getting into this situation. I'm such a funny person that is why nobody is taking me seriously, I guess.. They have seen me lose/gain weight over the years and they would tease me about it.I'm just glad that I have convinced my MIL and other SIL to do Atkins bec they can see that I'm melting away...eating...melting and loving it!


Nextime I'll make sure that "NO,thank you" is enough..