Clingy child

[Sharni]

So here I am turning to you all for a hand. I have just had a very frustrating week-end. My son who is 5 thinks that he is my shadow. He is so clinging and Mommy oriented. I can't seem to go 2 steps without his screaming out for me. It is really begining to annoy me as he does have 2 parents. Why do I need to get the juice, to tie the shoes, to put on the lotion, to read the stories, to sit while he eats, to help with the homework? Dad is so willing and of course able but DS is stuck to me like glue.

So is anyone else having these issues? Do you have any suggestions? Am I over reacting? HELP!! I am losing my sanity!!!

[cleochatra]

Re: Clingy child

{{{sharni}}} I'm so sorry to hear you are stressed out right now!

You know, kids seem to really tune into our moods. Have you been stressed out lately? Has hubby? Have you been arguing lately? Upset? Kids always seem to become clingy when we're moody, tired, or needing some down time. If you've been exhibiting stress, chances are he's reacting to this stress by needing MORE affirmation from mom.

So, if I'm right on with this summation of you being stressed, relax, smile more, give your child hugs when he doesn't expect them, and you'll find that your child will relax too.

[Katlam]

Re: Clingy child

{{Sharni}} no ideas but sending you hugs. Hope you get a bit of a break soon.

Kathy

[Sharni]

Re: Clingy child

Thanks Katlam. Hugs are good too. Thanks Cleo, I have been very stressed lately but I really have been trying to keep a cool face. Hubby was away for 2 weeks and so DS had me all to to himself. I figured that when daddy got back he would transfer to dad. I guess I was wrong. I am also just very tired. Could be part of my reaction to his nagging.

[Laurenfra]

Re: Clingy child

We had the same thing with DS when he wwas about that age. To break him of it Dad started doing things for him It started like mom can I have juice dad would say oh you sit there by mom amd I will get it. If he screamed "NO I want MOmmy to get it" I would say if you want juice dad will get it, I am not getting up. While I was giving him big hugs. Dad would get the juice and place it on the table it was up to him if he drank it or not.

I would say would youlike mommy or daddy to read to you before bed OC he would say mommy, OK so you go get ready for bed with dad and I will be in to read. We never made it mom or dad but it became "both"

I dont know if it worked or if he just grew out of it, but it helped DH learn what I was going thru. Good Luck

[Sharni]

Re: Clingy child

Thanks Lauren, every bit of advice helps. Some days I just need to know that I am not living in some strange "Mommyland" nightmare.

[softnred]

Re: Clingy child

My son, who is 7, is pretty clingy as well. In his case, it's because his biological dad pretty much blew him off when we separated, and deep down he has a fear that I'll leave as well. We've spent a bunch of time talking about it, and he KNOWS I won't leave him, but deep down he still has this fear...

Anyhoo, kids do a remarkable job of feeding off of our emotions and stressors, even if we THINK we've hidden them. I agree that the first step is to relax, then relax some more.

I think that at 5, your son is old enough to become more independent and do lots of things for himself, if you create an environment that's conducive to it. Get some plastic glasses and make his own jug of juice that's half full...and keep it in the fridge where he can reach it. Juice boxes also help. Get him his own lotion bottle...heck, let HIM pick one out at the store. Start teaching him to tie his shoes. Sometimes we're so busy doing things for our children that we forget that it's time for them to learn to take care of things for themselves...and to show them how fun it can be to do things ourselves.

To help him along the independent path, there are a few more incentives you could give him. One is to make a chart of some sort, and give him a sticker or star for everything he accomplishes by himself. When he earns a set amount of stickers, he's earned something...perhaps some alone time with you or DH. Another way you could do this is hold a family meeting and make a list of family duties and then assign who is responsible for them, with some neat family reward (time at a park, etc.) if everyone takes care of their responsibilities for a set amount of time. Explain to your son that in order for the family to function really well, it's important for everyone in the family to be responsible and take care of things. In our house, my sons "chart" is actually a picture of an RC car that he really wants. I've created a road that's broken up into 100 boxes which we call "miles." He earns a certain amount of miles for everything he accomplishes, and each night I initial the amount of miles he's traveled for that day, then he colors them in. He really likes working towards his goal, and seeing how a bunch of single miles add up to a big accomplishment.

The idea here is to not spend as much time trying to peel him off you, and more time increasing his independence, which will give him a big sense of accomplishment and increase his self esteem. Once he's firmly into the swing of doing things for himself, hopefully he won't cling as much.

Hope this helps!!

JoAnne

[cleochatra]

Re: Clingy child

He's clingy to you then because he fears loss. With dad being gone so long it makes him fear losing you, too. My 4 year old is that way, as was my oldest child. It's temporary I think, and goes away when he sees normalcy.

At that age kids also find comfort in things like clutter. It's a psychological need for them as they transform from small-kid to big-kid. It also helps them to feel surrounded by things they love. This fits in with that phase.

[Sharni]

Re: Clingy child

Joanne, he CAN do everything, That's why I am so frustrated at times. From very early on he could change his clothes, fix a simple snack etc. I do like the idea of a sticker chart though as it may make him feel a bit more like a "Big Boy". And yes, Cleo you probably are right about the separation anxiety thing. He really likes to be home with us. Even going out somewhere "far" (a 10 min drive)freaks him out. Our trip to New York was major trauma but once he got there he was happy as a lark.

I feel better this morning. I guess I was just really tired and upset. Thanks guys!!

[not2late]

Re: Clingy child

He's about 5 and hangs around you but, doesn't want Dad. If you believe in Sigmund Freud's work, then your son is behaving in an age appropriate manner.

http://www.cla.purdue.edu/academic/engl/theory/psychoanalysis/freudmainframe.html

If you believe in Erickson's work, then your son is behaving in an age appropriate manner.

http://www.psychpage.com/learning/library/person/erikson.html

[Sharni]

Re: Clingy child

Thanks Megs, that also explains the preoccupation with boobs!!

[theredhead]

Re: Clingy child

You've gotten some very good advice here. I remember so well when each of my children was so clingy I thought I was going to go nuts! (Especially since I really like my space.) It was torture to leave them at Mother's Day Out, torture when my Mom just wanted to pick one of them up and they screamed, etc. My oldest told my dad (when she was just 2) to "turn your face away" because he was simply looking at her. I thought we'd never get through those days, but we did. I think a lot of it is just a developmental stage and perfectly normal. For some kids, it's just more difficult than others.

I really don't have advice so much as reassurance that "this too shall pass". Today my kids are grown (21 & 17) and neither acts like they've ever met a stranger. We're still very close, but they're both extremely independent. We made with it flying colors! Yahoo!
It'll get better. I promise.

[dreamof145]

Re: Clingy child

We get a lot of this behavior at the Child Developement Center that I work at. I've taken some classes on seperation anxiety. It goes hand in hand with the clingy child syndrome. The child becomes attached to one parent and won't allow anyone else to do for them. What we do is this:

(1) Tell the child how special they are. Let them know (at times when they aren't being left with anyone else) that they are special even when their mom/dad/ or whoever isn't there.

(2) Make the time you spend with the child special. Don't try to do too much housework and chores so that the child gets the 'special me time' from you and won't be craving it so much.

(3) ASK the child. Say something to the effect, "I notice that it is hard on you when I go to the store, go to work or leave you with your dad, grandma or at daycare. I have to go to these places, so lets talk about how we can make it better for you. What can we do to help you get through these times?"

The children usually have some good answers and it makes them want to be involved in their behavior change. Also, maybe you can make up a special song or a special phrase or special handshake that you both say or do when you are leaving. Maybe go to the store and buy a special doll that the child can hold and hug while you are gone. Only use the doll when you are leaving, so the child feels loved. I know it sounds nuts, but these things really do work. We've tried them a lot.

Hope some of these things help.

[Laurenfra]

Re: Clingy child

3) ASK the child. Say something to the effect, "I notice that it is hard on you when I go to the store, go to work or leave you with your dad, grandma or at daycare. I have to go to these places, so lets talk about how we can make it better for you. What can we do to help you get through these times?"

The children usually have some good answers and it makes them want to be involved in their behavior change. Also, maybe you can make up a special song or a special phrase or special handshake that you both say or do when you are leaving. Maybe go to the store and buy a special doll that the child can hold and hug while you are gone. Only use the doll when you are leaving, so the child feels loved. I know it sounds nuts, but these things really do work. We've tried them a lot.

I forgot all about my oldest. We had 2 very special things. First was a rock he kept in his pocket. I told him it was magic and all he had to do was put his hand in his pocket and hold it and I was hugging him. The other was I would kiss the palm of his hand hundreds (ok it seemed like it) of times before he left for school. All he had to do was put his hand to his lips and he would get a kiss anytime he needed it.
I cant believe this was 15 years ago,

[Sharni]

Re: Clingy child

I am getting so much great advice. The guys ROCK!!! Thanks so much!!