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**Rockin** · April 6, 2006, 08:25 PM

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

Any motherly advice, anyone?

**2big4mysize** · April 6, 2006, 09:16 PM

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

be her parent not her friend. ]
lay down the rules and inforce them if she doesn't do her chores then she can't go out.

Cut off her computer time or get a monitoring software that lets you see where she has been and who she is taking with and let her kniow you are using it. protecting her is your job being a teen and living to become an adult is hers.

Lay down the rules about who can and can't be in the house while you are not there. Since she is so chummy with grandmother tell your mother you are concerned about this and ask her to come babysit a couple days when they are out of school.

**cmcole** · April 7, 2006, 06:31 AM

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

I feel your pain. Can't say I've been a better parent, though.
And my daughter's hormonal tirades were brought on by PCOS, which made it even more spontaneous, violent and unexpected or hurtful

**MotherOfGizmo** · April 7, 2006, 07:29 AM

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

I"m no help, just wanna say, I love my dog!

**Tired of Chub** · April 7, 2006, 07:35 AM

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

2big had a GREAT point. She needs a mom, not a friend. tough love wont kill her.

(unrelated... your recent photo... you dont look old enough to have a 16yo. you go girl!)

**Rockin** · April 7, 2006, 07:41 AM

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

Originally posted by Tired of Chub

(unrelated... your recent photo... you dont look old enough to have a 16yo. you go girl!)

Thank you...that made me smile. I am 37 though.

You are all right, and I try to be both a friend and a mother. Tough love doesn't seem to work with her, she just ignores me and does what she wants. She threatens to go live with her dad and punches holes in the walls at home. It bothers me so much that my daughter doesn't realize what she does have. I work for child protective services and see so many kids that have nothing and are treated like crap all their lives. I try to give my kids the things I never had without spoiling them. She just takes advantage every time. Maybe I need to just be tougher with her...wish I had someone else to help sometimes, it is so hard being the "boss" all the time.

**wannabethintoo** · April 7, 2006, 07:42 AM

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

I agree with 2big. Rules and punishment if the rules are followed. I was brought up pretty strict and although I didn't like it at the time, I realize that it made me into the person I am today.

**MotherOfGizmo** · April 7, 2006, 07:48 AM

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

She punches holes in the walls!!

Man, my mom would have tore my butt up!

**not2late** · April 7, 2006, 08:12 AM

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

I agree with 2Big and I think you should enlist grandma and her dad into this. Show them the myspace.com site, etc. This isn't something you should be doing on your own: it has to come from all the adults in her life.

As for the wall-punching....get her into some kind of counselling. Perhaps family counselling.

**Sd1136** · April 7, 2006, 08:19 AM

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

when I had trouble with my son, at some point I contactes the group tough love and they really helped me. When you first hear their ideas, you say its not for you, etc
but When I did do what they suggest. Jeff turned around, we still have speed bumps but his behavior is so much better now
good luck and dont give up
sandi

**sadie147** · April 7, 2006, 08:20 AM

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

Last year I had my 17 yr old cousin living with me and we had a terrible time with her too. staying out all night, woudn't go to school, stealing, lying. the list goes on. You have my sympathy because it's so terribly stressful and frustrating and I really felt run down by her.

I got really really good advice from a cousellour at her school. Set rules, set punishements when they are broken, but the most important part is FOLLOW THROUGH. I would tell her if she stayed out all night that she was not allowed to use the computer (her lifeline) for 2 weeks, after a couple of days i'd feel bad and give in. There MUST be consequences to their actions. As tough as it is to hold to them, you have too. It was the hardest thing i ever did. Eventually I actually had to ask her to leave, after she stole from us twice (a laptop and and xbox..not petty theiving!). It broke my heart...but had told her if she stole or lied again she'd be asked to leave, so when she did, I stuck to it. My husband and I gave her everything and treated her like our own and she completely walked all over us. I let her away with too much from the beginning..i wish i'd stood up when she first moved in, things may have been different.

Unfortunately she now lives with her grandmother and is walking all over her..so that isn't helping.

My husband refuses to speak to her until he gets an apology (we never have), and i agree with him and he is sticking too it. No bday presents, xmas presents etc.

Sorry kinda rambling..but basically I think what you have to do is set rules and boundries and punishments and STAND BY THEM. if you don't..she will realize the punishments never follow through. Though my cousin isn't perfect now, the fact that we put her out affected her, I don't think she believed i would do it. I reallyhope she learned something from it...i just wish her granmother could take a tough stand with her.

**penniedo** · April 7, 2006, 08:21 AM

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

I agree with 2big, you have to be the parent. My 14 1/2 year old daugher just told me that her friend's feel sorry for her because we (my husband and I) won't allow her to ride in her friends cars and she has to be home by 9:30pm when all her friends get to stay out till "whenever".. But all her friends parents are cool.. We said "TO BAD!!!"

**dotsamantha** · April 7, 2006, 08:22 AM

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

I don't have any kids, but i was a huge pain in the butt at that age.
Are you able to sit with her dad and discuss this? And as for grandma, I think the idea of her spending some time with her could be a great idea if she (your mom) can understand that you are right and your daughter is acting out.

I was acting crazy as a reaction to some struggles my mother was having.

Does she have her own source of income? If not, don't give her any money until she can control herself. That's what my dad did. Does she have any adults in her life that she confides in? Maybe you could get some insight there. Is she driving? I was in NYC so I took the subway, but when dad took the money, there went that, so if you take the keys, she's stuck. Does she have responsibilities, i.e. a job, or tasks at the house? Maybe she needs/wants more? Since she's 16, is she looking at college? Maybe some volunteer work would occupy her, and it's great on applications, especially if it's in something she's interested in.

My dad did these things for/to me, and eventually i wisened up.
One thing that also worked was him coming into my room EARLY in the morning and waking me up- to talk. He'd make coffee and breakfast (even just cereal or whatever) and he'd get my butt out of bed at 7am on a Saturday, and we'd sit at the table. I was half asleep, but in my weakened state, lol, he got more info out of me about why i was acting like a jerk.

**Sd1136** · April 7, 2006, 08:39 AM

Re: My 16 yr old Daughter

You cant be a firend, I was a single parent also, and Felt like I wasnt enought for my son, let him get away with more, plus he had ADD and behavioral problems, blamed my self. Tough love taught me not to blame my self and said action always equals reaction and and the child hasto know if she does this, this will happen. You have to stick with it.
One of the best advice given from them is, if your a yeller ( I am) whisper, do the opp. off what you usually do it really off sets them.
Go to the meetings and talk to people
sandi

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