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On the jealousy/relationship boundary issues
After reading divaindubai's post about her DH's old friend I started thinking about a matter that bothered me quite a bit. After typing this I had to come back to the top and issue a warning that it ended up being pretty long.
I've never considered myself to be jealous but I do have boundaries and know when someone is deliberately trying to breach them. DH loves that I don't mind if he says this or that gal is a hotty (usually Jennifer Aniston!) or if he scours the Victoria's Secret catalog and shows me all the lingerie, etc that he would like me to consider or if he greets his or my female friends with a hug and kiss. I know he is a healthy male and appreciates female beauty and that we have been strongly attracted to each other from the instant we met. His previous wife was extremely possessive, as was my 1st husband and we both appreciate that element being excluded from our own relationship. DH is 15 yrs older than me and a Vietnam Veteran and he cherishes the trust, respect and understanding in our marriage. We have quite a sizzle factor with all the May-December stuff going on. He can be my handsome, distinguished older man and I can be his sweet young thang. We both appear quite a bit younger than we are. Anyhoo, the point being we have a great relationship and great attraction.
In February we went to LA, where DH is from to visit his "inheritated family". Most of his own family has passed away and when DH's boyhood best friend died two years ago the friend's parents and other family members embraced DH as one of their own. The parents are in their 80's and very dear to us, welcoming us warmly on our visits (2-3 per year) and treating us like gold. But on this visit every instinct put me in high alert where the friend's widow is concerned. She's always been pretty clingy to DH when we visit but I chalked it up to her grieving and seeing DH as a link to her deceased husband. But she's gone from grieving widow to wannabe seductress. She lives a couple of hours from where we stay with the parents (her in-laws who she never visits otherwise) but comes racing down when we are there. Barely dressed. I mean this woman is pushing 60 and she dresses in the skimpiest clothes available in the junior dept. Everything is as see thru, low cut and tight as possible not to mention it has to cover as little skin as legally acceptable. It makes Dh very uncomfortable and she always dashes to sit across from him at dinner to be in his line of vision. I am not by any means a prude in dress and will wear a short skirt, show some cleavage and strut with the best of them but this woman is embarrassing. It's not alluring, it's downright trashy the way she dresses. I've seen hookers more conservatively dressed. And her stuff ain't pretty. Her skin isn't, her shape isn't (she lost a lot of weight but the clothing is still not flattering to her shape) and she just does not have what it takes to carry off the clothes. Aside from the clothing she acts like a coy schoolgirl with DH. She bats her lashless eyes, giggles and coos. Focuses on him almost exclusively as if no one else is there. Makes thinly veiled derogatory statements about me, grabs DH's arm and strolls clinging possessively while leaning into him and pressing the whole length of her body against him wherever we may be (which also makes him uncomfortable and he will immediately grab me closer to his other side, holding my hand or putting his arm around me) and she even told a store clerk on a military base that DH was her boyfriend. And giggled. Granted we were on a base and you have to be accompanied by someone with military ID as well as only they can purchase anything but she could not leave it at saying he was her friend. DH was asked for ID which he showed, I was asked what relationship to DH I was so I answered "wife" and when she was asked she giggled and said "I'm his girlfriend". I loved that the clerk looked confused and blinked as if dumbfounded when he looked again at me and then back at her. I am not vain but I know I am a lot better looking as well as better mannered than her and got a kick out of the young clerk's subtle but obvious bafflement at even a joking indication that she would be his girlfriend if I was the wife. For the first time ever she decided to spend the night with her dear, elderly in-laws as well while we were there. She dug up a toothbrush and borrowed a pair of pj's. The pj's weren't from HookersRus so she had to improvise and left the top open so she could still contort her body to thrust out her skimpy red bustier. She was extremely obvious and continued to pretty much ignore me while carrying on the giggling and flirting with DH. The next morning we got up early as usual and dressed for our usual coffee and walk at the pier. She tried to horn in on that too but it's kind of cool there in the morning and she only had her barely there clothing and 5 inch stiletto heels. Plus she doesn't touch coffee. She pouted and waited for us to make other plans she could be included in but by then we'd had enough of her and having only a few mornings there weren't about to give up our traditional stroll and savory java.
I guess I am about as hardheaded as you can get when something like this happens and I was not ABOUT to let her know she was getting me streamed at all. I just kept my composure and kept my head up and let positive comments to me from DH, the friend's parents and whoever else steam her onion. She wanted to be the focus of attention but I am a lot younger and don't have to dress almost naked to turn heads. Normally a petty sounding comment like that would never enter my head because I am all about the inside of a person verses the outer but to be honest she doesn't have it either way and I AM vain enough to be annoyed by someone being so arrogant with nothing to be arrogant about and disregarding me as if I am nothing more than a nobody inconvenience standing in the way of what she wants. A few days after we returned home DH told me he'd really been bothered by the way this woman treats her in-laws. Never visiting them unless we are there, talking horribly about them behind their backs and trying to connive as much inheritance from them as possible by trying to cause rifts between them and other family members. I told him bluntly how I felt about her and he was stunned. He said her behavior and dress embarrassed him terribly (a man who appreciates women in tastefully alluring clothes!) but it never occurred to him that she was coming on to him. He doesn't really like her personally but he has very few ties to his past and she is the widow of his boyhood best friend so he feels some responsibility. He will ask how she is doing (in her grief) and her response now is to chirp "I am OVER it! No tears for me! I am ready to move on!". He thought before this was denial because how could someone be over a 35 yr marriage in a couple of years? To such a truly fantastic guy? Now he's pretty much aware that it's more like "I'm over it come get me!". Of course I know a widowed spouse is entitled to seek someone else in the timeframe right for them however short or long it may be. I just don't have any respect for her because of the way she treats her in-laws and zones in on my husband.
But I love the way some things go straight over a man's head. I had to almost draw a picture for DH that she was coming on to him when she all but put her boobs in his plate to get his attention and he didn't notice other than being embarrassed by her. And she called him recently to whine about how she hates him being so far away and he needs to come back to LA. He admitted he loves LA and will always return home for a visit. "But I had to come to the South to find me a good woman" he added. Miffed her turnip bigtime so she sniffed "I guess you gotta do what you gotta do" and ended the call. She called again a few days ago to tell him about her vacation and how men were all over her
. I guess she's determined to get his attention and make him see her as a desirable woman.
I've always loved our California visits but don't even want to go if we have a repeat of the last one. She wants to monopolize our time there and I don't get to see the other family members who I like a lot better because of all these who's-going-to-get-more-inheritance snits. Apparently everyone can't be together at once anymore and she makes sure she's front and center before anyone else gets a chance. I respect the elderly couple a great deal and don't want to make a scene or ruffle any feathers by making other plans or refusing to spend time with their daughter-in-law. It's an uncomfortable position because if I say nothing she acts outrageously and pees me off. If I say something I am harping about a poor recovering widow. DH knows I flat out don't like her and understands why. I am real mellow and bendy but if you start pushing and shoving I'm not going to take it
I really don't know how to approach future visits. I know women like that. If anything is said to her she'll deny any misintentions and play it off as though she's flattered that I am "threatened" by her. Whatever. Even if it's one size bigger than my skinny goal weigh, my axe would make her a Sunday face. If nothing is said she'll act the same way if not worse. She's probably done all kinds of webspinning plotting for the next visit which she demands be soon whenever she calls. And she said (supposedly jokingly) that if big money ever came her way she'd buy DH a house in LA. Not us, just DH. I'd love for her in-laws to see her for what she is and know how badly she speaks of them because they are precious old people and what little scraps of attention she sends their way is because she believes they will leave her a huge fortune. I guess that is the only way I do feel at all threatened by her. In all actuality she probably will end up very rich and I know I am something of a financial burden on DH. My salary isn't great and I have two kids at home, one having a pretty serious medical condition so he carries the bulk of our finances. He's so loving and wants to take care of us but I feel guilty that I pay a fraction of what he does.
This has just bugged me for months. I hate it when someone chits on me and I will end up looking bad no matter how I respond (other than my totally ignoring the idea that she could be competition and soaking up the attention from my DH which only prompts him to ooze more which ends up peeing her off because she wants him to pay attention to her instead!)
How would you handle it? Would you just come out and bluntly tell her to backoff knowing then she'll run and cry poor picked on widow? Anyone have any ideas at beating her at her own game? We do have a trip planned to go back at the end of summer to visit cousins DH has not seen in decades and recently found again. We'll be a bit further south than LA but if she knows he's in the state I truly believe she'll come tearing down and insert her unwanted and uninvited axe into our plans no matter how rude that would be. If she doesn't do it then she will the next time we stay with our elderly friends in LA. I trust my DH totally, she's just highly obnoxious, insulting and ruins an otherwise great time.
I've never considered myself to be jealous but I do have boundaries and know when someone is deliberately trying to breach them. DH loves that I don't mind if he says this or that gal is a hotty (usually Jennifer Aniston!) or if he scours the Victoria's Secret catalog and shows me all the lingerie, etc that he would like me to consider or if he greets his or my female friends with a hug and kiss. I know he is a healthy male and appreciates female beauty and that we have been strongly attracted to each other from the instant we met. His previous wife was extremely possessive, as was my 1st husband and we both appreciate that element being excluded from our own relationship. DH is 15 yrs older than me and a Vietnam Veteran and he cherishes the trust, respect and understanding in our marriage. We have quite a sizzle factor with all the May-December stuff going on. He can be my handsome, distinguished older man and I can be his sweet young thang. We both appear quite a bit younger than we are. Anyhoo, the point being we have a great relationship and great attraction.
In February we went to LA, where DH is from to visit his "inheritated family". Most of his own family has passed away and when DH's boyhood best friend died two years ago the friend's parents and other family members embraced DH as one of their own. The parents are in their 80's and very dear to us, welcoming us warmly on our visits (2-3 per year) and treating us like gold. But on this visit every instinct put me in high alert where the friend's widow is concerned. She's always been pretty clingy to DH when we visit but I chalked it up to her grieving and seeing DH as a link to her deceased husband. But she's gone from grieving widow to wannabe seductress. She lives a couple of hours from where we stay with the parents (her in-laws who she never visits otherwise) but comes racing down when we are there. Barely dressed. I mean this woman is pushing 60 and she dresses in the skimpiest clothes available in the junior dept. Everything is as see thru, low cut and tight as possible not to mention it has to cover as little skin as legally acceptable. It makes Dh very uncomfortable and she always dashes to sit across from him at dinner to be in his line of vision. I am not by any means a prude in dress and will wear a short skirt, show some cleavage and strut with the best of them but this woman is embarrassing. It's not alluring, it's downright trashy the way she dresses. I've seen hookers more conservatively dressed. And her stuff ain't pretty. Her skin isn't, her shape isn't (she lost a lot of weight but the clothing is still not flattering to her shape) and she just does not have what it takes to carry off the clothes. Aside from the clothing she acts like a coy schoolgirl with DH. She bats her lashless eyes, giggles and coos. Focuses on him almost exclusively as if no one else is there. Makes thinly veiled derogatory statements about me, grabs DH's arm and strolls clinging possessively while leaning into him and pressing the whole length of her body against him wherever we may be (which also makes him uncomfortable and he will immediately grab me closer to his other side, holding my hand or putting his arm around me) and she even told a store clerk on a military base that DH was her boyfriend. And giggled. Granted we were on a base and you have to be accompanied by someone with military ID as well as only they can purchase anything but she could not leave it at saying he was her friend. DH was asked for ID which he showed, I was asked what relationship to DH I was so I answered "wife" and when she was asked she giggled and said "I'm his girlfriend". I loved that the clerk looked confused and blinked as if dumbfounded when he looked again at me and then back at her. I am not vain but I know I am a lot better looking as well as better mannered than her and got a kick out of the young clerk's subtle but obvious bafflement at even a joking indication that she would be his girlfriend if I was the wife. For the first time ever she decided to spend the night with her dear, elderly in-laws as well while we were there. She dug up a toothbrush and borrowed a pair of pj's. The pj's weren't from HookersRus so she had to improvise and left the top open so she could still contort her body to thrust out her skimpy red bustier. She was extremely obvious and continued to pretty much ignore me while carrying on the giggling and flirting with DH. The next morning we got up early as usual and dressed for our usual coffee and walk at the pier. She tried to horn in on that too but it's kind of cool there in the morning and she only had her barely there clothing and 5 inch stiletto heels. Plus she doesn't touch coffee. She pouted and waited for us to make other plans she could be included in but by then we'd had enough of her and having only a few mornings there weren't about to give up our traditional stroll and savory java.
I guess I am about as hardheaded as you can get when something like this happens and I was not ABOUT to let her know she was getting me streamed at all. I just kept my composure and kept my head up and let positive comments to me from DH, the friend's parents and whoever else steam her onion. She wanted to be the focus of attention but I am a lot younger and don't have to dress almost naked to turn heads. Normally a petty sounding comment like that would never enter my head because I am all about the inside of a person verses the outer but to be honest she doesn't have it either way and I AM vain enough to be annoyed by someone being so arrogant with nothing to be arrogant about and disregarding me as if I am nothing more than a nobody inconvenience standing in the way of what she wants. A few days after we returned home DH told me he'd really been bothered by the way this woman treats her in-laws. Never visiting them unless we are there, talking horribly about them behind their backs and trying to connive as much inheritance from them as possible by trying to cause rifts between them and other family members. I told him bluntly how I felt about her and he was stunned. He said her behavior and dress embarrassed him terribly (a man who appreciates women in tastefully alluring clothes!) but it never occurred to him that she was coming on to him. He doesn't really like her personally but he has very few ties to his past and she is the widow of his boyhood best friend so he feels some responsibility. He will ask how she is doing (in her grief) and her response now is to chirp "I am OVER it! No tears for me! I am ready to move on!". He thought before this was denial because how could someone be over a 35 yr marriage in a couple of years? To such a truly fantastic guy? Now he's pretty much aware that it's more like "I'm over it come get me!". Of course I know a widowed spouse is entitled to seek someone else in the timeframe right for them however short or long it may be. I just don't have any respect for her because of the way she treats her in-laws and zones in on my husband.
But I love the way some things go straight over a man's head. I had to almost draw a picture for DH that she was coming on to him when she all but put her boobs in his plate to get his attention and he didn't notice other than being embarrassed by her. And she called him recently to whine about how she hates him being so far away and he needs to come back to LA. He admitted he loves LA and will always return home for a visit. "But I had to come to the South to find me a good woman" he added. Miffed her turnip bigtime so she sniffed "I guess you gotta do what you gotta do" and ended the call. She called again a few days ago to tell him about her vacation and how men were all over her
. I guess she's determined to get his attention and make him see her as a desirable woman.I've always loved our California visits but don't even want to go if we have a repeat of the last one. She wants to monopolize our time there and I don't get to see the other family members who I like a lot better because of all these who's-going-to-get-more-inheritance snits. Apparently everyone can't be together at once anymore and she makes sure she's front and center before anyone else gets a chance. I respect the elderly couple a great deal and don't want to make a scene or ruffle any feathers by making other plans or refusing to spend time with their daughter-in-law. It's an uncomfortable position because if I say nothing she acts outrageously and pees me off. If I say something I am harping about a poor recovering widow. DH knows I flat out don't like her and understands why. I am real mellow and bendy but if you start pushing and shoving I'm not going to take it
I really don't know how to approach future visits. I know women like that. If anything is said to her she'll deny any misintentions and play it off as though she's flattered that I am "threatened" by her. Whatever. Even if it's one size bigger than my skinny goal weigh, my axe would make her a Sunday face. If nothing is said she'll act the same way if not worse. She's probably done all kinds of webspinning plotting for the next visit which she demands be soon whenever she calls. And she said (supposedly jokingly) that if big money ever came her way she'd buy DH a house in LA. Not us, just DH. I'd love for her in-laws to see her for what she is and know how badly she speaks of them because they are precious old people and what little scraps of attention she sends their way is because she believes they will leave her a huge fortune. I guess that is the only way I do feel at all threatened by her. In all actuality she probably will end up very rich and I know I am something of a financial burden on DH. My salary isn't great and I have two kids at home, one having a pretty serious medical condition so he carries the bulk of our finances. He's so loving and wants to take care of us but I feel guilty that I pay a fraction of what he does.
This has just bugged me for months. I hate it when someone chits on me and I will end up looking bad no matter how I respond (other than my totally ignoring the idea that she could be competition and soaking up the attention from my DH which only prompts him to ooze more which ends up peeing her off because she wants him to pay attention to her instead!)
How would you handle it? Would you just come out and bluntly tell her to backoff knowing then she'll run and cry poor picked on widow? Anyone have any ideas at beating her at her own game? We do have a trip planned to go back at the end of summer to visit cousins DH has not seen in decades and recently found again. We'll be a bit further south than LA but if she knows he's in the state I truly believe she'll come tearing down and insert her unwanted and uninvited axe into our plans no matter how rude that would be. If she doesn't do it then she will the next time we stay with our elderly friends in LA. I trust my DH totally, she's just highly obnoxious, insulting and ruins an otherwise great time.
.The widow even wore a necklace once that had a big arrow charm that nestled just above her extremely low cut cleavage. Who wears an arrow pointing at their boobs in a restaurant where the busboys have more manners than Emily Post ??? I think if she could have strapped a neon sign around her neck she'd give it a go. If she only knew all she has to do is turn around to sour Mr. Lafoo's milk. He's a leg and derriere man and her flat saggy butt is never going to appeal to him. 
J/K
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