Please lend advice, heartbroken and so lost...

[Jaded]

Hi everyone. I don't post as much as I'd like to, but this is a great community and a place I'd really like to seek advice, if anyone would be so kind... I'm heartbroken. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. He is Italian, a romantic, and the greatest guy in the world. I love him with all my heart. He told me this is forever, its me and him now, always. (He's also emotionally heavy, sensitive, and takes a while to get over things, but I dont want to use that to get my hopes up)

Lately we've been in a rut and things haven't been the way they always were, doing little things for each other, etc. Then 2 weeks ago (2 days after telling me to book our vacation for August), he completely blindsided me with "he doesn't feel the same about me and our relationship, and maybe it's not going to work out". Since then we discussed taking a break, which I was devastated by and kept crying so much that he said forget it and he is happy to just try to work it out. Yesterday he said he is frustrated b/c he doesn't feel a connection anymore, but that he's trying so hard to get it back and he just wants us to be ok and for things to be like they were. But at the same time he doesnt feel the same way so maybe it won't work.

This weekend we are staying at a hotel for Saturday night and spending the day on Sunday. Any advice on how to rekindle the connection? Should we really consider taking a break? I've been thinking maybe we can't see the forest from the trees and we're caught in a dead area and he can't see the good that lays ahead, and maybe a break could give him the perspective. On the other hand I'm terrified to the point of nausea that he'll just enjoy the time w/o me and he's so emotionally heavy that he'll stay in the dark place about us and that will be it.

I've been nauseous for 2 weeks and on the verge of tears every day. This was the man I thought I'd be spending my life with. Please help

[shari_dawn]

Re: Please lend advice, heartbroken and so lost...

I'm so sorry and I'll pray for you. I don't have any advice for you really. I"m no expert in relationships. I wish you the best of luck. Keep your chin up and stay true to yourself.

[misplaced southerner]

Re: Please lend advice, heartbroken and so lost...

oh girl that is sad and i understand the pain and shock of that kind of thing...my ex leaving me a week before our 11th anniversary. we however, were not in the midst of a great relationship so in the end it was a blessing but still the shock was tough.

can i suggest maybe the two of you meet with a couple's counselor. my girlfriend and her hubby who were getting married in their mid 40's worked with one. they loved oned another but lilke all couples, had things to work out. it really helped them to see what they had that was good and what they could work on to better their marriage...this was PRE marriage so i know there are counselors out there like that

all that being said, the truth is, IF he is not the one for you, i would rather you know now than later down the road when you have more of your heart, and maybe children invested in the relationship. i know this is hard. something good is worth working for. i hope it all works out for you. remember everything happens for a reason. sometimes the road is bumpy but there is always something good at the end of it. be strong and believe.

[julirama723]

Re: Please lend advice, heartbroken and so lost...

I agree with Betsy, try to see if there's a counselor in your area who specializes in things like this.

My other suggestion is to take a relationship break. You know the saying, if you love something set it free, if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was. A break is NOT a break-up--it's just time apart so you can take stock of your relationship and see things more clearly. Maybe you'll both decide that being together is what you want, maybe not. But by staying in an unhappy and stagnant situation, no good can come from it. Just step back, spend some time apart, and be completely honest with each other.

[Jaded]

Re: Please lend advice, heartbroken and so lost...

Thank all of you guys for your responses...

Shari - thanks for your prayers, I really appreciate it.

MS - Thank you too for all your advice. I suggested a counselor, just so someone objective can shed light on the relationship, but he said he doesnt want to go b/c he doesnt want someone that doesnt know us telling him about our relationship.

Julie - We considered a break. I am so scared of a break I know the saying and I know if its meant to be it will be, but its so much harder when you're on this side of things. But then he started saying he doesnt want a break either. i think b/c i said i am afraid that if he is left alone to his darkness he will not get out of it. and its true. and he gets in a happier mood some nights after spending time with me. But he still "doesnt feel the same way." I am so confused.

The thing I dont understand is how do you love someone and want it to work, and the other person loves you and wants it to work, and somehow its still not working? What else do you need???

[misplaced southerner]

Re: Please lend advice, heartbroken and so lost...

ok friend...then if HE won;t see a counselor then YOU need to go by yourself..it is NOT your job to enable his moods. a counselor will not tell you what is wrong with your relationship but he WILL give you the tools to see and help yourself. it is not your job to fix him. he needs to be able to get out of these moods on his OWN. that is not your responsibility...that is called CODEPENDENCY. coming from an old gal who has been down the road a ways....listen to what i am telling you. see one yourself and it might really open your eyes. take care of yourself. if he is not willing, then do you REALLY want to be the one who has the whole responsibility of a relationship dumped in your lap? he says he loves you and wants it to work...but how much?

[shari_dawn]

Re: Please lend advice, heartbroken and so lost...

I'm so happy you are getting good advice. I swear I'm as bad as a man when it comes to saying the right thing. I'm going to take notes on everything everyone has said and post it on my bulletin board at home so that the next time this situation arises with my friends or someone on here I can recycle the information. How pathetic am I?

[Jaded]

Re: Please lend advice, heartbroken and so lost...

Shari - thanks again

MS - I just don't know what to do as far as how I interact w/him right now. I know we are both not ok every day, we are both not completely comfortable, and its no wonder he says he doesnt feel the connection right now, b/c i dont really either b/c of how its been these last 2 weeks. I don't know about a counselor myself. I am hoping he'll come around. Or if I give him the time he wants, that he'll be willing to try my way if his doesn't work.

Is it naive to think that if he loves me, wants us to be ok and to be together, and i love him and want us to be together... is there any reason we shouldnt? I can't see where there's a reason. We both want to stop hurting every day, he said he hates how he feels every day and he doesnt want to feel this way anymore and he's trying to feel the connection. Shouldn't he just take the leap of faith and go with it? I feel like he's waiting for all the feelings to rush back before we act normally again and it's killing me. Plus if I am putting it on the line and risking everything believing he is trying, can't he do the same and just take the leap that it will be ok b/c we are going to make it ok?

[misplaced southerner]

Re: Please lend advice, heartbroken and so lost...

honey if i knew the answers to all those questions i would be a millionaire! when you say he'll "come around" what you are really saying is that you hope he will change. you can't change a person. you can't expect him to change.

all i can do is share my OWN experience. i married a man who i fell OUT of love with quickly, due to his nasty behavior. also , the chemistry died quickly

my own husband who is the light of my life, was in a relationship that was good for about 2 months...he discovered almost immediately that there was no sexual spark and the chemistry died quickly and he tried and tried and tried....they even went to experienced counselors (this one told him he did not have enough faith and that is why he did not desire his wife,,,that is a story for another day)......and he lived for 23 years in a marriage where there was no connection

what i am trying to say is that YOU CAN'T FORCE IT

i guess what i am trying to say is that i don't know you or your man. all i can do is share my own experience. the two of you are the only ones who can decide what is best for you...for ME a life FREE OF DRAMA is the only way i can live any more. relationships take a LOT of WORK, even the best of them and i have a GREAT one now with my husband. but if you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, it isn't gonna work. don't compromise.....only you can decide what will work for you.

best wishes and let us know how it goes....

[Jaded]

Re: Please lend advice, heartbroken and so lost...

Thank you for your responses. It's easier to hear an outside perspective. Everyone around me has a million different ideas about it and that I should just take control and tell him we're on a break til he figures it out. I just can't see myself doing that to him.

I know I cant force it. But we had something truly amazing. For it to end this way is almost an insult to it. He said his feelings changed b/c the way we interacted changed. Like every relationship we started bickering about little things as we got more comfortable and more in a routine, but there were honestly no big issues. He created this huge unhappiness by twisting things in his head, and being extremely sensitive and sometimes overdramatic. I honestly was blindsided by this entire thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to wake up b/c this is not even possible.

Now we are in this place that kills us both every day, and we both just want to be back where we were. How is it not possible for two people that want it with each other to not make it work? I would understand if he didn't want it. I just can't accept that two people who love and want to be together wouldnt be for some reason. Is that silly? I just want to cry every day. Most days I do, and I know he feels this way too. I dont understand. Ugh.

[misplaced southerner]

Re: Please lend advice, heartbroken and so lost...

i know what you are saying jaded. but if you are crying every day then you are NOT in a healthy relationship.

honey you are 24. i am 47. i have known LOTS of men and had many wonderful relationships. i had one in my early 20's. he was 31. i LOVED that guy and he loved me. it was totally hot and exciting. we had so many of the same interests. we went our separate ways and we were both ok with it. after my divorce we reconnected and it was just like the old days.....except....he had developed "drama." i had to let it go. i am MUCH better for it. the beautiful thing is that we remain DEAR friends. we just know where to draw the line. i am lucky for that. most times that is not the case.

again, while i do not know you or the relationship i will say that SOME relationships are TOXIC, some people thrive on DRAMA....and there is nothing to be gained by that. sometimes it is impossible to regain what once was...kind of like after an affair. relationships are ever changing and sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.

me, i would rather know NOW. it is hard to give up a handsome loving man....but i am here to tell you from experience, there is NOTHING worth giving up your own self worth over...handsome man or not....and there are LOTS of handsome, loving, emotional and NON_DRAMA men out there...i know cuz i met lots of them...as mama always used to say, there are lots of fish in the sea, and just one of you. what do you deserve?

[Jaded]

Re: Please lend advice, heartbroken and so lost...

I know But the thing is me and him, we're that couple that people are just waiting to get married. That people know are so in love. Anyone I've talked to was ASTONISHED that we were having such a big problem and talked about breaking up. In fact, I myself was completely astonished.

It's not that our relationship thrives on drama. We're pretty drama free. It's just when something happens he's very sensitive and sometimes makes a bigger deal than most people would. He's somewhat immature in that, I figure "this is silly and i love him and he loves me" and i let it go. He remembers every single thing and never lets it go. Thats why I'm hoping that this unhappiness is something like that, that we can fix and will blow over.

I don't know what the right thing to do is. I'm hoping for something this weekend, but who even knows if we'll get anywhere. I think he's being immature and clinging to things that are not important to dwell on in an adult relationship and letting them pile up. We could've easily handled any of these little bickerings if he didn't cut the lines of communication, but you put them all together and we're in the grand canyon.

I'm scared to break up. Or even just taking a "break." I'm scared of losing him forever. I know I'm young and probably naive about love, but I'm not naive in general. I just honestly feel that he is the man for me. I love him completely, I know him inside and out, and I just dont know what to do

[julirama723]

Re: Please lend advice, heartbroken and so lost...

Jaded, please don't feel like you should stay together because of what other people assume. I'm not saying you should break up, necessarily, but perhaps giving each other some space to think about things and space to examine the relationship is what you need. If it's truly worth working out, you will both realize it. If it's not something that can be fixed, why cling to something that isn't working?

It takes two for a relationship. You cannot handle the responsibility on your own. If he isn't willing to make an effort or compromise (and relationships NEED compromise, nobody agrees on everything, no matter how "perfect" a couple they are!), perhaps *he* isn't worth the effort?

And yes, I have been in your situation. We took a break, gave each other space. For about a month or two. He realized the good thing he had, and realized how crappy he'd been acting, and got his **** together. I realized what I really wanted, and realized that *I* had been making the situation worse. If we hadn't taken a break, we both would have continued the outrageous denial we had going on.

[Jaded]

Re: Please lend advice, heartbroken and so lost...

Thats again for all of your advice guys. Yesterday I started realizing that we can't stay the way we are and you guys kinda reaffirmed that. But something kept telling me that I know him and something is wrong moreso than just him wanting to break up, and thats partly why i couldnt just take all the advice of everyone around me to give him the ultimatum, etc.

Last night we started chatting online just to see when he was going to come over and stuff, and we started talking a bit more. He didn't want to talk face to face b/c he hates how he see's this is hurting me and he has to hold it together, so I told him we can't have a relationship for 3 1/2 years and be working on this and not able to talk face to face. So he picked me up and we had an actual good (but at the same time horrible) conversation. He finally let me in a little. He keeps talking about breaking up and taking a break b/c he is on an emotional rollercoaster and it hurts him to see how much its hurting me. He went on for a while about things and I think we got a bit of the catharsis we needed. He also said he doesnt want a break and hes afraid of a break and the only reason hed want that is to let me go from this rollercoaster. So I basically said not to put pressure on figuring out how we can get back to how we were right now, and I am here for him while he figures out what he is going through emotionally right now.

He even said he felt like we got on the same page and things are still a rollercoaster but at least I'm in the car and not just hanging on the outside now. I am still confused, but I feel a little better that he let me in and we are working together a bit more now. And he planned the day for saturday and sunday for us to spend real time together, so hopefully that will help too.

Thank you guys again for all your replies and advice.

[Alexa]

Re: Please lend advice, heartbroken and so lost...

Hi Jaded,

I'm sorry to hear about your problems, it all sounds tough. You've had some really good advice here, I just wanted to add that I know it feels pressured sometimes to be the couple everyone is expecting things of. I've have friends say to me 'If you guys split up, then I'd lose all hope in romance' - whilst this can be a compliment when everything is fine, when it is not it just adds pressure. All couples are different, who can't tell what goes on inside them - only you two matter in this, as Julie said.

Also, and kind of related to this, is that I feel like if you are really in love with someone and you have an AMAZING relationship then it can be hard to convert into the more mundane step of actually living with someone day to day for the rest of your life. My BF and I went through some massive angst patches about 2 years into the relationship whilst we adjusted, even 3-4 years in. Now 8 years in we are more in a groove.

Finally, communication is so important. If you can't communicate with this man about how his over-reacting affects you then you are doing yourself a disservice. In order to get through the even tougher things life will throw at you, communication channels need to be open, with no 'no go' areas just to keep him happy, however much you love him.

It sounds like things are a little more settled for you now. I hope you can have a good weekend together and reach a conclusion that makes you both happy long term.