The "Open Letter" Thread

[wingnut]

Hi there!
My name is wingnut; long time reader, sparse poster on this wonderful board. Actually, I've been reading the posts here a lot longer than I've been a member. I love the insight, education and general advice that I've picked up from all of you lovley people over the years, and I'd love to hear some more!
This may or may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I'd like to hear some examples of "open letters" that you would write to a person, product, restaurant, or even just simply to yourself. You know, the kind of letter you write in a moment of realization, appreciation, disdain or whatever, that you might not take the time to send.
I'll start, to give an example, as well as to get the ball rolling :


Dear Crock Pot,

I forgot I had you until today. I know, I know, I've had to move you around many times to search that high cupboard I can never seem to reach in order to find the extra batteries or that stockpile of paper towels. I just never remember seeing you until today. There you were, just as I left you, shiny and new and full of a box of Reynold's Slow Cooker Bags.
Today, when I came home from Sam's Club with a mountain of bargain priced pork shoulder, I rummaged through the seldom-searched cupboard that is your home, looking for my Food Saver Seal a Meal thing (to portion out that pig for the freezer) and you inspired me! I can't tell you all of the delicious recipes I imagined when I caught a glimpse of you sitting there!
As you know, I lost your instruction booklet a long time ago but that didn't stop me! No, I remembered your simple, easy ways and braved my way towards dinner. Four pounds of that finely marbled meat went into a Slow Cooker bag with some salt and pepper and chicken stock, and ultimately, into your ceramic crock. I flipped your switch to high, thinking of all the wonderful things I could do with my day while you worked on my dinner, unselfishly. No stirring, no basting; you asked nothing of me to ensure my dinner would be ready when I got home, starved.
Oh, Crock Pot! I wasn't prepared for what you provided me with! Perfectly tender, juicy and flavorful pork shreds! I had a large portion over my mashed cauliflower, with some of the lip smacking juice thickened with heavy cream on the stove with a bit of lemon juice and garlic. I still have a huge amount of pork and unseasoned juice left to make pulled pork "sandwiches", pork "fried rice", and taco filling.
Crock Pot, I just want to say how much I appreciate you, and make a vow to keep you in a lower cabinet from now on. You deserve to always be as useful as you were today, and I will make sure that happens.

Your Admirer,
wing

[sidrah]

Re: The "Open Letter" Thread

Ha. I have my kids do this for their writing journals. Imagine you were a piece of gum and write about your daily actitivites (from the gum's p.o.v.). Kinda the opposite, but the idea is similar. I'll get back to this one. I like it!

[wingnut]

Re: The "Open Letter" Thread

Thanks, Sidrah. I guess it IS that kind of project. I just love reading what others have to say about things. I'm looking forward to your letter!

Just because I have a minute:

Dear Starkist:

I've had the pleasure of eating your tuna-in-a-pouch for years now. Wow, it's delicious AND easy! What a time saver!
I was so excited when you sent me a coupon in the mail for a free pouch of one of your new flavors! I looked at the nutrition facts for each flavor online, and decided to pick up the Lemon Pepper flavor the next time I went to the store. To be honest, I wanted to try your Sweet and Spicy flavor, but it had sugar in it, and I've been doing so well with this WOE, I just couldn't see doing that. But I digress.
The Kroger by my house was out of the Lemon Pepper flavor. You must have sent out a coupon to everyone in town! There were still loads of the plain (which the coupon wasn't good for), the Sweet and Spicy (which I decided against), and the Hickory Smoked. Since the Hickory Smoked had no carbs, I picked up a pouch, and finished up my shopping.
Later on, as I was finishing up clearing the yard of some old tree limbs, I caught a whiff of my neighbor's grill; he was BBQing salmon for dinner, and boy, it smelled so good! I was sorry I didn't pick some up while I was at the store. OH, but WAIT! I have smoked tuna-in-a-pouch at the ready in the pantry! My mouth watered just thinking about a smoked tuna/mayo/pickle/onion/and low carb BBQ sauce wrap.
I laid out my ingredients, hungrily chopping my pickle and onion, and warming my low carb wrap. Then, I tore into the pouch and something odd happened: I completely lost my appetite.
Yes, Starkist, your Hickory Smoked tuna bag may have put me off tuna in general for a while. I didn't even have the chance to mix it WITH anything, so I know I didn't ruin it with my additions. It smelled, seriously, like someone had put out a cigarette in a can of cat food. Somehow, for SOME REASON, I thought I should taste it to be sure. Well, it didn't taste as bad as it smelled, but for the next few hours, everytime I breathed through my nose, all I could smell was the smell that greeted me when I opened that pouch. THAT'S NOT GOOD. Brushing my teeth didn't help, eating a sprig of parsley from the kitchensill garden didn't help. A SHOT OF PEPPER FLAVORED VODKA DIDN'T HELP! It's like this awful fishy-smoky smell had permeated my lung tissue and was just going to hang out until it was done being there. My dog, the ultimate garbage hound who has been known to eat his own barf, wouldn't even touch it!
So, Starkist, in conclusion, thank you for the coupon for a free $2.00 pouch of tuna. While I can't, in good conscience, recommend this to anyone I know, I do thank you for not making me pay out of pocket for the experience.
Yours,
Wing

[suzyque]

Re: The "Open Letter" Thread

My dog, the ultimate garbage hound who has been known to eat his own barf, wouldn't even touch it!
So, Starkist, in conclusion, thank you for the coupon for a free $2.00 pouch of tuna. While I can't, in good conscience, recommend this to anyone I know, I do thank you for not making me pay out of pocket for the experience.
Yours,
Wing

OMG!! That's f@%$ing hilarious.