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I haven't had a chance to proof the newsletter again, so I sent BikerGoddess a message asking if she would have time....
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Re: January 2006 Newsletter
Sorry about the delay, been hectic around here. Hopefully you'll be able to understand my notes.
Page 1 - the use of "the ADBB" sounds awkward and is confusing. I've not seen it referenced that way before. When it shows up in the second sentence, it looks like a typo. 2nd paragraph, would change conquer to overcoming. Slight disagreement with 3rd paragraph. Gives the impression that Tom is personally responsible for the knowledge and support.
Capitalize Bank.
Incorrect usage of its.
"Instead of letting others find their own forms of support" should read more along the lines of "In order to help people with support" so that it doesn't sound as if he didn't let them do something. Sentence after that should read "That web site was actually one of the first Atkins related diet web pages, even before the offical Atkins site began." Remove references to 'falling out' as provocative.
"sharing knowledge he'd learned during his own battles to fitness"
"remembered those occasional humiliating moments when bending over"
Define acronyms on first use. (WOE)
Incorrect usage of its.
Also, what is the basis for saying it's the most widely recognized site?
Page 2 - "held January 16th through the 29th". "Forty-two members were accepted"
Page 4 - 2nd paragraph, strike 'now' and should be 'affected'. "She was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)."
5th paragraph reads that receiving numerous greetings gave her support to lose 40lbs. Might want to change "that" to something about support and information.
Define GBS.
Page 5 - First paragraph reads that Robbie is the favorite mod. Might try something like "The word "matawguro" in Filipino means "respected teacher," which is very appropriate for our only Filipino moderator. Robbie enjoys martial arts, particularly Filipino sword fighting. Although spending more time at ADBB, he runs a Filipino martial arts board at fmaforum.org."
Would add 'academically' to He was repeatedly place in the top ten of his class" (easy to assume that's in weight, not intelligence)
Page 6 - extra ' after Pie (or missing one before Whooshie). Would add ºF to the temp. Also, would list the internal temp considered 'well done'.
Page 8 - Define ToS.
I'm not sure if you're planning to make the supporting member banner a link to donations, or if that's even what you're considering a supporting member. It's kinda vague.
Page 9 - it's used incorrectly first sentence. Also question the use of the term 'juggernaut' as that destroys everything in its path... Also may want to define supporting member here, as the sentence reads be supportive to members and be a supporting member.32 - 5'3" - female
175 - 130 - 130
I wish I could say we're all equal, but the truth is Cleo's the cutest. -
Re: January 2006 Newsletter
see I told you she is great
just don't proof my board posts please.
by the book atkinseer
started 6/1/02 at 313
goalie 5/04 at 167 with under 15% body fat ADBB Presidents exercise Challenge
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