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Yesterday I consider my day 1/2. I semi-gorged upon leftovers for breakfast since I woke up starving. I hate to throw away food. I was raised where food = love. Our entire lives have revolved around food. My great grandmother put BUTTER in her coffee for God's sake. Enitre family is overweight. Always has been. Seen my most cherished family member, my grandfather, pass away from a heartattack. The joke was / is his (in)famous quote "I live to eat, not eat to live." We joke about it, recalling how true it was for him and how STILL true it is for the rest of us.
Soooo many times I can think of the new diet I am starting. Only to last 3 days and go back to my "normal" ways. It is SO much easier, quicker and cheaper to swing by Jack-In-The-Box and grab a Jumbo Jack for 99 cents and be done with dinner or lunch. Throw a frozen pizza in the oven and be done in 12-15 minutes. I clean my junk drawers at home and find thousands of diet articles, clippings, recipies. Excercises I've saved but never done. I realize that I have some sick need for INSTANT results. I know that is irrational but still.... I can't help but want immediate results and when I don't, I give up.
I also now realize that I am in a cycle of destruction. Overeating. No exercising. Smoking a pack a day. Going to the tanning bed everyday. Drinking too much (on the rare occasions I do go out). Not sleeping enough. Chugging energy drinks daily and popping energy pills. DAILY. Wondering when I am going to kill myself with these pills and drinks.
I know I cannot quit everything at once. I've given up the tanning bed. I go out only MAYBE twice a month. I am quitting the daily energy drinks. I say I will quit smoking once I lose the weight. That is another fight that can wait til another day.
Yesterday my best friend and I were supposed to meet at her place to start exercising. She was diagnosed with chirrosus (?) of the liver. Her spleen is now inflamed and she doesn't feel well. I realize that and respect that. I also realized yesterday that I didn't need HER to do this. I went home and jumped on my treadmill for the first time in my life. I started slow, 1.5 mph. I set a goal of 30 minutes. I sweated my *** off. I watched the timer to see how much LONGER I had to go. As the timer got closer to the 30 minute mark... the counter got closer to the 1 mile mark. I decided I was too close to quit and walked the rest of the mile. I had an odd sense of accomplishment. It felt good. My regret is that when I got done, I grabbed a bottle of water and a smoke. The smoke is the regret... not the water. After I smoked, I told myslelf... the weather is getting better and I still have some daylight left. I jumped up and worked in the flowerbed for another 45 minutes. It felt good.
I just bought my grandmother's house so I now have accomplished ANOTHER goal I had set. I have my own HOME. I have an increased sense now of house-proud, I think it's called. Maybe that's just the Madness song "Our House" stuck in my head. Or it could be the Eckridge smoked sausage commercial the song was used in. Either case, the 2 things I love. My own home and sausage.
So I've decided to write to myself here, at least Monday - Friday while at work. Something to strive for, with the hopes that 3 months from now I can look back and remember what I was thinking / feeling / going through. I will think more about my motivation for weight loss, as well as my motivation for overeating. Don't want to get too heavy, mentally, but maybe I can uncover some things about myself. Or maybe just ADMIT to myself some things I may already know.
Today is the FIRST full day. Drinking my water. Only 4 more bottles to go. Ate only protien this morning. Packed lunch and snacks. Will figure out dinner later today. Yesterday's exercise kicked my ***. I'm stiff and sore, yet happy because it's my body telling me I actually USED it for something other than just lifting a fork.
Will the first full day turn out to be as productive as my 18/2 day? I hope and pray. I have to be held accountable for what I do, or DON'T do. No more excuses. I hang my beloved cherry print dress in front of me that I cannot fit in. That is today's motivation. I've set goals for myself and will do what I have to in order to get there. I admit, my reasons are vanity driven right now. I hope they will change into health driven reasons later, but for now, let's just baby step it.
Yourself
09/16/09
195 lbs
I have to admit that my own initial reasoning for finally taking the plunge into a dedicated diet routine was for reasons of vanity also. I've spent practically all of my life overweight. I'm not that type of person that has false confidence either, so it always sucks to miss out on the things that being ashamed of my body excludes me from. I cant mow the yard with my shirt off. I can't go to the beach or to pools with friends. If I do, I have to keep my shirt on, which is a big sign saying "Look at me! Im ashamed of my fat body!"
I've reached the point in my life where it's time to do something or just give up. My extended plan places me living in Hawaii just inside 2 years from now, and I'll be damned if Im going to move to paradise and not be able to fully embrace it.
Keep writing. You won't regret it.
You are very smart to tackle one thing at a time, making small changes as you go. You can totally do this and there is a huge group of people behind you here!!