SO...... 7 days in. Doubt, frustration, guilt, drepression abound. Is it worth it? Well.... what else do I have to lose. I ask myself that every few hours.
Prepare for ramblings, if you continue to read. Continue at your own risk.

Tuesday:
Official day one. I think I did well. I actually walked an entire mile again. Felt super positive. Starting to second guess the Venom energy drinks but figure I will just eat NO carbs at all. I think I succeded. Minus the 2 pcs of gum. Sigh

Wedensday:
Day 2. Still did well. Walked another mile at home. Started to dread it a little, but reminded myself that it would pay off in the end. Still keeping my food log. More energy drinks, but the minimum water intake of 64oz. Dang it.

Thursday:
Day 3. My friend came over after work. There blew my plan to exercise. Figured I could do it after they left. As usual, they didin't leave til 11:00 Curses! Foiled again. I did well food intake wise. Again... guilt about the energy drinks. They are my crack. Minium water. Does that count?

Friday:
Day 4. Planned on walking. Didn't happen. Ended up doing grocery shopping for me and my grandmother, as well as other errands. Didn't even blow into the house until 9:30 p.m. Mentally beat myself up for it but my body won out. Sweetie got off work early and we chilled on the couch. Me, guilt ridden, exhausted, worn out and run down. Sitting there thinking about being a fat, lazy slob. My house looked wrecked. Groceries thrown all over. Too tired to even unload them from their bags. Up at 6a.m. and finally crawled into bed at 1 a.m. Total energy drink for day 4 ALONE was 3. I think this is getting bad.

Saturday:
Day 5. I know there is no alcohol during induction. I am going to a birthday party tonight at a BAR. I'm not an alcoholic, but I do enjoy ice cold beer and live bands. I knew I would drink beer. I watched EVERYTHING that went into my pie hole. Did extremely well, food wise. Otherwise, not so much. I drank 3 energy drinks, popped 2 energy pills. Technically no exercise, but I did work in the yard for 5 hours. I mentally let myself off the hook for the exercise, but not so much for the energy drink situation. MAYBE 1/2 a bottle of water at best. I drank 5 Milelr Lites. I think my mind hates my body. I was going to wait until Tuesday to weigh but I jumped on the scale anyway and it said 4 lbs gone. I smiled, whimpered and grabbed a smoke. Torn.

Sunday:
Day 6. I am going to cook today. I went to the store Friday so today is my day to prepare for the week. I got some Atkins cookbooks. I set off cooking breakfast. Baked cheese eggs. Incredible. This ain't so bad. Cracked an energy drink and felt that was going to cancel ANY good deed I could do today. Sweetie actually COMPLAINED that there were too many groceries in the house. GAWD! Side note: he is 6'1" and about 145. Metabolisim never seen before in my lifetime. I somewhat stew in the kitchen. Eyeballing all the things I bought for him. Cursing them, him AND me because I cannot eat them. I'm feeling uneasy. I decided to bake cookies for sweetie. Help to empty out the cabinets since he thinks there's too much in there. I bake the cookies. No problem. They didn't even look good. UNTIL, that is, they were cooked. They were small, maybe the size of a half dollar. I figured I messed them up. They didn't look like regular cookies. Kinda stiff and slightly burnt? Against better judgement, I popped one in my mouth. Then, 2 more followed. Immediately I felt guilt. I contemplated throwing them up but instead washed them down with my handy energy drink. My mind fought with my heart I felt self hatred for being weak. Then I blamed myself for even baking them. I decided to just stop brow beating myself. It was a slip. Tomorrow is another day. I'll just extend induction another week since I screwed up with beer and NOW 3 cookies. WHICH, by the way were pretty bad. Flash forward to evening. I bake a chicken and made broccli rice for sweetie. I figure he needs a side dish. Why make him go without. Can anyone guess what happened class? Show of hands? I ate 2 forkfuls. Yup. You guessed it. At first I thought it was to make sure the rice was done. That was my excuse anyway. The second fork full was when I was scraping out the leftovers. I seem to have NO self control.

I think I see a downward spiral. I woke up today and said STARTING OVER. I told myself no energy drinks. I noticed on Sunday my chest felt funny. Rapid heartbeat. Moreso than usual. A few tiny pains. I laid in the bed to take a nap, wondering if I were gonna even wake up. Paranoia is a biatch.
I stopped on the way to work and bought an energy drink. I have tried EVERY day to justify them. I don't drink coffee, so they are my coffee. The entire can is 8 g of carbs. Half of my daily allowance. I will make up for it by eating just meat cheese and eggs. Stuff with NO carbs in them. I fail to take in account the sugars. In my head, I know they're lurking and are no-no's but my selfishness overrides again.

I thought about this stuff. If I want something, I get it. Plain and simple. I've never counted or depended on anyone to get me stuff. I have to get it. I don't tell myself no. No one will do it FOR me. I am all I have, so I keep myself happy. Not just with food. It's with EVERYTHING.

Clothes:
I have a shopping addiction. I know this. I acknowledge this. I STILL cannot stop. I have enough clothes to wear a different outfit for an ENTIRE year. I bought another shirt last night. Sweetie says it's ridiculous and that I need to stop. I KNOW THAT. I tell him I will sell some of the others to justify my new purchases. Knowing, deep in side, I can't bear to part with anything. We don't go out so they are just in the closet. I beat myself up for that too. I know it's wrong. I just. Can't. Stop.

Smoking:
I know it's bad for me. I know it's expensive. I like to smoke. End of story. I started rolling my own smokes thinking it would be cheaper. Yes, it is. I don't have any rolled up so I buy some. I have Rx's and patches and everything on my counter. I saunter by, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE their existance. I figure I will lose 30lbs THEN stop smoking. Always an excuse. ALWAYS. I never seem to run out of them.

I feel alot of guilt. But only when I think about it. Otherwise, I try to ignore my stupidity and carry on. I compare myself to other people. Even on here. I read the posts and see people losing 12lbs in 6 days. I blame the energy drinks. I blame the lack of walking. I blame myself. Then I think maybe they are just bigger. Bigger people lose faster. Then I realize I am just trying to justify my own screw ups and shortcomings.

I saw 3 pictures from that birthday party this morning. I want to cry. I look horriffic. I think "That can't be me! My face isn't THAT fat! It is a bad angle, that's all." Of course, when I am standing next to a petite, 5' 115lb blonde girl, it's kinda hard NOT to look like King Kong.
Commonsense tells me "DON'T BAKE THE F'ING COOKIES! DON'T BUY ALL THIS CRAP FOR SWEETIE!! YOU CAN'T BE TRUSTED!!!" Yes. That is all true. I also know that I show love through food too. I love Sweetie so I give him "treats". I don't have children, so I dote on him instead. I make his lunch everyday and make sure he has plenty to eat. That to me, shows him that I love him and want him to be taken care of. He says he's fat and I want to slam a fist into his skinny little face. Lol

Someone on here once was kinda hateful to me and said to the effect, that I was a loser because I drank alcohol on my first induction months back. That still sticks with me. Maybe I am just too sensitive. Maybe it's true. Maybe I am just too selfish.

Today is Monday. A new week. A new start. I own up to what I did over the weekend. It's ok. It's done. I can't UNDO it. I can just start over. I drank an energy drink this morning. It's already in there. All I can do is maybe drink 2 MORE bottles of water to make ammends. Walk another 15 extra minutes to erase it. Who knows? I am learning that I have to just take day by day. I've been fat for 36 years. What's one more day? I didn't put it on overnight. It will not come off overnight. Patience. Although I recognize I have little of that. Someone but a bag of candy on my desk. It was here this morning. It doesn't even look good. I guess that's a good sign.

I will work on my self loathing. Remember that I am still beautiful. Remember that Sweetie loves me AND my curves. He already stated he didn't want me to lose ANY but if that's what I wanted, he will be okay with it. Remember that I am still cute and have cute clothes to sashay in. Fat... but cute!
Yes, this is long. But you were warned. Not looking for anything but a way to vent. I think I've accomplished that. I (sorta) feel better.
I start again, fresh. I read the board for inspiration instead of reasons to kick myself. I will do this. I can do this. End of story.

FuNkY