This is a long one guys. Sorry

So, last I popped in, I said that I didn't do much exercise or drank much water. Monday came. I pulled the same old stunt. But worse. OMG.
I drank 44 oz of water. That's the only GOOD thing I can think of. I got home and decided I didn't want ANYTHING that I had cooked on Sunday. I ate a boiled chicken leg and a string cheese. That may have been my pushing point over to the great beyond. The cookies that I made 2 weeks ago were on the counter and before I realized what I was doing, I had found myself with the lid off and two of those 50cent size bastards in my hand. One... poised directly for the black hole I call my mouth. I chewed one and looked at the other. Lovingly. Romantically. So pretty and cute and small.
That other one sprouted wings and flew in a perfect straight line into my mouth. Like an Olympian pole vaulter. As I chewed it, my mind flashed to this message board and thought about Gene spitting out his cookie. For a nano second I thought I could redeem myself by doing that too. By only eating ONE instead of two. Like a out of body expierence, I saw myself stuck in molasses trying to get to the trash. By time I got the whole 4 feet over there..... well.. there was nothing left but a crumb on my lip and a chocolate chip remmnant lodged in my back molar.

The guilt I felt was unlike no other. End of story. I couldn't believe I just did that. WTF is WRONG with you, I ask myself? Funny... when I yell at myself, that selfish part that made me do it in the FIRST place just clams up like a mutated clam. An hour or so later, I popped open a cranberry /lime Sierra Mist and sucked it down. It was like a Sonic Limeade. Part of me said a) don't do this. 2 cookies were bad enough, don't go further down that pit and then b) you already f'ed it up by snorting those cookies like a line of coke. What MORE harm could this do? I guiltly drank about 3/4 the can.

I did notice something I found interesting after all this mess though. About 45 mins to an hour after the Cookie Caper incident, I felt like someone had flipped a power switch on my body. To the OFF position. I wondered if something was wrong with me. It wasn't a very pleasant feeling to be honest. I crawled into bed and basically went comatose until 4:30 this morning.

Following my plan, I got on the scale and weighed this morning. It said 193 and I felt like a kid in kindergarten who just wet themselves. I felt like the scale, the wall, the PAINT on the wall, the refrigerator and the tile floor was pointing and laughing and snickering at me. Saying Ha-Ha... you suck. You've wasted 2 weeks now and just LOOK at YOU! Idiot. Imbicle. Moron. Weakling. Loser. Fraud.

Sigh. Pout. Mourn. Berate. Re-evaluate. Think. More sighing.

Then the excuses and inner arguing started.
You ate those cookies and soda dumba$$
It was only 2 and ONE soda. ONE day!!
You jumped on the scale Sunday. It said 191. Is SHOULD have been more.
But, but... 2 cookies won't equal 2lbs OVERNIGHT.. DAMMNIT!
OBVIOUSLY. They CAN.
Well, I haven't drank enough water.
TOM is due in a week.
Inches, not pounds! Inches! Inches I SAY!
Why do you even BOTHER?
BECASUE I CAN DO THIS!
Everyone else on the board is kicking a$$ and here YOU are... inhaling a COOKIE for gawds sake!! Oh.. MY bad.. make that TWO.
I hate you.
I hate YOU too, so we're even.
You suck!
Well, you're still FAT. Take TAHT!!
I lose and sulk away.

So... where o where did I go wrong?

I can only think of .... well.. the obvious.
I haven't drank enough water.
I haven't walked enough.
Maybe too many carbs? I try to watch my veggies.........
Possibly the energy drinks over the weekend?

I know I should post menus or at least use that FitDay thingy. I've tried and it's too much of a pain for some reason. Seems everything I eat I have to log in under a specialty food and I guess THAT in iteself shows my laziness.

I've been eating lunchmeat (0 to < 1 carb) eggs, bacon, cauliflower (maybe too much at once?) Thrown in other small amts of veggies too from the list. Cheese 3-4oz daily is my limit. Drinking water. Only diet sodas with Splenda. Real mayo. Sigh. I just don't know.

I did notice though ( on a POSITIVE note) that the skirt I wore to work today is falling off. I guess I will measure tonight although I am scared to. Eek!

I've decided to A) remain on induction until October 17th. That will be an entire month.
B) Use the blasted treadmill DAILY NO EXCUSES and C) pray for a Whooshie fairy to come, although I don't know what or who she is D) drink my 100oz of water NO MATTER WHAT!

Thanks for reading, if you've made it this far. I talk to myself WAY too much in my head so rambling here does help. I refuse to give up and be a quitter. I WILL do this... even if it just takes me a little longer