So... I've been a tired, run down depressed maggot. I got a little umph on Friday. I mean, c'mon... it's Friday, it's payday and I get the weekend with Sweetie.

Saturday was fine until I flopped. Sweetie and I went to his daughter's house to see her in her homecoming outfit. Very pretty. Very short. Very mature looking for 15. So I sit thru that and then a wave came over me and I just wanted to cry. We had planned for date nite, but like the flip of a switch, I hated everything and everyone. It was too early to head out (5pm) so we went home. I stripped down and jumped into my jammies, flopped in the bed and cried. He didn't know what to make of it, but neither did I. I dabbed up the tears and took a 30 min nap. After that, life was good. Strange.

We decided we would still go out and do SOMETHING. We never go out anymore. NEVER. So I got dressed fixed my face and we went out. I knew we were going to go drinking. I didn't care. I wanted to get out, mingle a little and enjoy some beer. So I did. About 8 of them I think. I felt guilty as ****. Granted, they were ice houses and didn't stock liquor (Vodka & tonic would have been my choice) so I stuck with my beloved Miller Lite. We were trying to find someplace close to home that we could frequent. Once we got home, Jack Sprat was hungry. I fixed him something (I forget what) and in the process, ate about 5 or 6 of those blasted half dollar sized chocolate chip cookies. I wish I had an answer. I don't. What I DO have is a list of excuses as to why. I honestly thought "I blew it with the beer, why stop now? If I finish them (which I did) they couldn't tempt me (which they no longer do... for they don't exist). I feel I have been doing SOOOO good yet I also feel like a failure.

Sunday, I jumped back on. Drank twice as much water. I did have one energy drink. But kept it clean. Can I really find redemption by chugging water hoping to flush everything clean? I actually thought of Bella this weekend with her McDonalds episode and I chuckled. Thank you Bella. I know I am not TOTALLY alone.

Today, I rode all the way to work with 3 trays of danishes and breakfast breads in the back seat. My mouth watered but my determination was stronger. I did drink a lo carb (ALWAYS) energy drink. I got up at 4:40 and felt I deserved / needed it. STILL don't have that energy rush so many others have.Why not? What's the deal? Grrr... I unloaded and smelled danish's all morning but didn't want any. I did. But I didn't even TOUCH ONE, for fear of having to lick a finger

Payback is a big 'ol Biatch
I went to WM at lunch to grab a few things. My sis works there so I chatted with her for a few. My idiot nephew (18yo) upset her AGAIN. In our conversation, we talked about his baby momma. They are currently BOTH on my hit list btw. I ended up calling the baby momma "Fatty McFat Wad" which sent my sister into a much needed laughing fit. It was mean, but it is true and she is a . So I check out in garden center and the heiffer at the check out says "So when's the baby coming?" I laughed at first, mainly because I thought about saying "3 months". M~O~R~T~I~F~I~E~d!!! The rage factor grew and I decided NOT to let that trick off the hook. I "nicely" as I could said "Mam, I'm NOT and you need to REEEEEEEally make sure someone is pregnant before you ask such a thing." She was obviously embarassed, as well she should have. Could it have been my q-tips and cottonballs that was a tip off to her?
She backpeddled and blah blah and I just looked at her and said "It's nice to know I'm FAT!" and of course, stompped off like a fat girl would Guess that's what I get for calling the baby momma a Fatty McFat Wad. GAWD!!!!!!

That opens a whole nother can of worms as to why, WHY anyone would even open their stupid mouth. When in doubt..... SHUT IT!!! I didn't think I looked bad. I've gotten several compliments at work today (on the dress only..... rat bastards) and got stopped in the store this morning by a man who came ALL the way back over just to tell me he thought I was beautiful. After the creep factor wore off and I was safely locked in the car, I felt pretty good.

I thought about putting up my body shots to take a poll, and then I got depressed and then I contemplated eating a cookie. Instead, I jumped on here and started typing.... hence the long-winded-ness.

Overall, I am frustrated. TOTALLY. I want MORE weight to be gone. I WANT to have energy. I want to FEEL like this is working. Tomorrow is the weigh in / measure nightmare. Ugh.... it's truly all I can do not to give up. I'm having surgery next week (fun vacation) so that will squash ANY hope of exercising. That statement wants me to totally lmao. Walking seems to be a faint memory. Ugh. I guess I am going to have to get with it, especially since the "baby" is due soon.

I reckon I have to take 100% responsibility for my lack of weight loss. Lo-carb energy drinks. Miller Lite's on Saturday. Those evil cookies. No wait... it's not the cookies.... it's ME. I'm tired and lazy. Did I mention that I am tired all the time? The weather here in Houston got cooler and I was pretty stoked. It has since turned rainy and warm. Now my stoked is stopped. I think I may eat too much cheese. Cheese is my crack too. I must have been a mouse in another life. I was given some "Super Dieter's Tea" from a friend. Trying to tell me something??? I haven't touched it an like a year. It's still sitting there. I saw it in the dollar store and decided it may not be the safest thing to try on a work day. LOL. Eek. Anyway, I've thought about working that in somehow. Why do I think my "magical" answer will come in a pill or in a box? Maybe I watch too much television. Those girls are so skinny. I forget they are like 5 feet tall. Short people are ususally smaller. The girls in the magazines are skinny. I can't help but remind myself they are airbrushed. I think Kelly Clarkson is my hero. She kinda big and she knows it... and doesn't CARE. Where can I find that kind of brain?

Yes... I'm rambling... but can ANYONE tell me how that cow Tracie on BL did NOTHING all week and lost 4lbs and got to stay? I feel sooooo bad for Mo. I was hoping they could vote her off and Mo & Julio could've teamed up. Sigh.... tomorrow should be good.

Any hints on energy would be helpful. I take B-12 already and can't think of anything else "natural" that may help. I am making a dr's appt sometime during vacation for ther to run a FULL thyroid panel. Why do I do that stuff on Vacation? Idiocy abounds here in Houston.......

Glad to catch up with you guys, or at least letting you in to my bizarro-land. I think about all of y'all very often throughout my days. I wonder "What would Bella do?" Girl, you've become my pal and you didn't even know it! Anybody heard anything from Gene?

Happy Monday you guys and thanks for reading... if you made it this far. Sooner or later I will be writing more positive and shorter things. Free therapy I guess.