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This is an odd one, but honesty and reflection is one main reason why I am doing a blog / journal to begin with. Sit back and enjoy some string cheese.......
Vacation started 10/16 at 5:00. Rock on. Let the festivities begin!!! I drank beer on Saturday nite. We went out with my sister and a group. I failed.
Sunday was ok.
Monday I went to my regular doc and got bloodwork done. My exhaustion is off the charts and she gave me a ray of hope and said we'll see what the thyroid test shows.
Tuesday was surgery. That went fine. After my crying fit, that is. This was my first surgery EVER and all those horrible Dateline, 20/20 horror stories flooded my brain and was terrified about dying from anesthesia. Surprise.... I made it thru lol
Wed & Thursday were blown by sleeping followed by more sleeping. I ate some of Jack Sprat's lunch supplies cuz I wasn't up to cooking anything. Failed AGAIN
Friday I was flitting around, first day allowed to actually DO something. I ran all over town, running errands and meeting up with my bff for lunch at a noodle house. Failure cubed.
Saturday was my uncle's wedding. Hated family was in town. Stress level multiplied by 8.7 million. Lunch was catered and I ate. It sucked, but I ate. Failure x 4
Sunday I did house stuff. Rearranging furniture. I decided to do cooking so I could start AGAIN on Monday. During the process of boiling my eggs, Sprat and I hear a GINORMOUS electrial zzzzzzz followed by a huge flash. The stove shot out and was on fire. After arguing who was gonna switch it to OFF (me of course) I figured my wholehearted attempt is squashed. AGAIN. Failure to the 5th power.
Monday I was back to work. Tired from furniture staging. Hungry..... of course. Went to lunch with a co-worker and had Fried chicken. Sitting there the whole time thinking "Tuesday is a new day". Failure to the....... whats a word for 6? Other than stupid.
Today I sit with no stove and no groceries in the house. Well... I did buy some summer sausage yesterday and figured I can have that and some cheese for lunch. I had spinach enchiladas, cream sauce, rice and beans. Strike 7.
I jumped on the scale and still hover at 190. Good? Bad? Neither? Bleh? My eating didn't pack on any suicidal inducing acts, but it didn't do anything to get me closer to my goal.
I'm prepared for some snide remarks. Especially from one particular ADDB member I've noticed has a bad attitiude in general. IMO, of course. Not naming names, and OF COURSE not one of my beloved homies here. Maybe I'll get lucky and dodge her scathing mindset. Anyway.......
I am living proof that "Tomorrow NEVER comes". I've had about 10 tomorrow's now. Part of me wants to sit here and just cry. CRY. Cry me a river.... as Sam Cook so sweetly crooned. I'm not devastated. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm over it. Kinda. I know what I have to do. I'm pissed about the stove. I really don't have $500 to throw on a stove, but we need it. Sprat has a cracked rim which caused a flat. He kindly informed me at 1am that he would be getting NEW rims. Those aren't cheap. Men and car rims....gawd. BUT, I have my clothes-whore syndrome, so I will let him slide. I need to go to the store. I don't want to. I hate the store. I hate people IN the store. They're slow and their kids are little hellions. lol
Here's my dual personality in TRUE form:
Me now:
you are such a loser, disappointment and quitter. You suck and therefore deserve to be fat the rest of your living, breathing days. You might as well give it up. Dumbass. WTH is wrong with you anyway? Letdown. Ugh... you disgust me. You will always be the pretty fat girl and that is exactly what you are. Pretty.... but FAT. Everyone will always be skinnier, prettier and better than you. Bite it.
The other me now:
Gawd Janice.... wtf? It's no big deal. It happens. Get over it already. Start fresh. New beginnings. Try harder. It WILL BE OK. Quit comparing to others. You don't need or want to be anyone but YOU. You aren't "morbidly" obese. Just fat. It's all good. Keep trying and you can do it. It doesn't fall off. YOU fall off the diet....which doesn't help.... but you will get there with just a lil more effort and determination. Chin up.... .heiffer. J/K I love you.... you're GREAT! MUAH MUAH MUAH
So, I failed my diet, I failed the Oct water challenge and according to my Dr., my thyroid is in the "normal" range. Reported at a 0.574. Huh? What? I think THAT is the MOST disappointing moment. I am so freakin' frustrated! Why? I am tired ALL the time!!! My hair keeps falling out...DAILY! My skin is dry even though I was drinking 128oz water a day!!! GAWD!!!! I AM SOOOOOOO MAD. I can't blame the lack of weight loss on my thyroid..... but.... shouldn't more should have come off in 6 weeks?? ugh What is within grabbing distance that I can smash??Is it possible that I am taking too MANY vitamins? I take like 15 different vitamins. Most are for each of the symptom that I have. Curses!!! Foiled again! I love Dr. Z, but should I really second guess her? Get a second opinion? Damnnnnnnnnn.
Sigh.
I've always beat myself up over stuff. I decided today that I will NOT. I can NOT. It goes back to childhood (not getting too deep) where I wasn't pretty enough. Not good enough. Not smart enough. Not skinny enough. Just..... not...... enough.
I think those days are over. I am enough... just not "enough" of what..... is the question. Maybe ENOUGH of comparing. Enough of counting my failures and start counting my accomplishments. Realize that things COULD be worse. I could have a ton of more weight to lose than my "pawdry" 25 lbs. I should be thankful. Why is it so easy for me to be thankful and cut slack to everyone but ME?
You guys are really the ONLY ones I "talk" to about this stuff. My sister (who is fluffy too) just complains, sighs and then screams "I don't wanna talk about it!" So I don't. Or can't. I sure fire ain't gonna talk to people at work about it. It's too private. So here I sit, with my beloved new diet homies.
So again...... tomorrow is another day. Although I've blown it this long, this far, the buck stops here. I will scrounge up some stuff at home and prepare enough for tonite and tomorrow. I can bake me some eggs or something. I am kinda timid of the oven now too though..... eek!
So, in a nutshell....... I am psychotic. I have missed you guys. I am back. I will survive this and set my goals just a half inch higher instead of an entire foot. Looking forward to reading up and seeing what stellar work you guys have been doing while I've been a slothful toad.
Much love and hugs to youse guyz!!!!
One question....did your doctor check your blood for yeast at all? Some of your symptoms are very much like Hunny's and we're convinced she's infested with Candida (there's a whole section on ADBB about it and a chapter in the book). Could be worth looking into
Ok, here we go.....Sweety...you screwed up. Welcome to the club. Anyone here who hasn't fallen off the wagon and run straight to Der Waffle House raise your hand......see? Didn't think so. Now the best thing you can do for yourself is start fresh. Start right now if possible. If not, I highly recommend going to the food store and buying enough approved things to get you through Saturday, cook them all up so they are ready for you, and just keep plugging away.
I think, considering everything you've been going through in the last week or so that the cheating was understandable...not justifiable but definitely understandable. Don't let it fill you with self-hate sweety, it is sooooo not worth it. Just think of your journey and your body as if it belonged to someone you loved. If Jack Sprat gained weight and tried to lose it would you be as hard on him as you are on yourself? Would you berate him for every day he messed up? Silly sausage...the body listens to you more than you realize. if you keep telling it that you are fat, can't lose weight, can't control yourself it will make sure you are right!
Despite a couple cheats and 4 weeks of stalling I kept telling myself that it was ok, it was my body's way of resetting itself, of getting comfortable with my new woe and it would just need a little time to push through this big bump. And it did. Now my new inner thought is that the weight will continue to fall off easily, that working out will get easier, and I'll make the best possible choices each time.
You can do this sweety, you know you can, we know you can. I'm sending you energetic hugs right now...big bear hugs! We RUV ROO!!!
Second, if losing weight was so easy we wouldn't be here. This website wouldn't exist and I wouldn't have the honor to have made such wonderful, crazy friends.