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I've done nothing. NOTHING I say. No water. No Atkins. No exercise. N~O~T~H~I~N~G.
It' s been 9 days now.
Ashamed? Check
Embarassed? Check
Emotional? Check
Frustrated? Check
Devastated? Mmmmm not sure
Disappointed? Check
Full of excuses? Checkity check check
Remorseful? Check
Fat? Well..fatter than I WAS by 4lbs
Noticed a difference? Check
Have game plan? Half-check
Intentions? Super checkity check check
Isolated triggers? Mmmmm half check?
Need I say more?
No stove. Located electrician. Friend of a friend. Electrician now calling daily, fishing for a date. Dodging phone now. Jack Sprat needs to step up but works nights. Frustrated. Clean bill of health from doctor. Says I should be able to birth something now. LOL. Scared. Worried. Frustrated. Torn. Unsure. Damnnit. Turkey day next week. Massive cooking to be done. I know in my heart I will fail and eat. My mother invited 2 MORE people. I have no room. The table is ALREADY at 9ft long and STILL need room for those 2. GEEEESSSSHH All being done at my house so we can celebrate with my beloved 91 y.o. grandma. I think it's super fantastic! SHE is professing her self-proclaimed impending death. Geez Granny.... cut it out already! She finds it funny and I find it emotionally devastating. Death is a part of life. I realize that. No one else in the family realizes that I will be the one to find her. I don't think God has it in His will to have her pass in a hospital. She raised me since I was 10. She IS my heart, soul, life and reason. I have been taking care of her for 9 years now. She still moves around so my "caretaking" is minimal, but we've become buddies, too.
Sometimes I get paranoid and think Sprat is cheating. He hasn't given me a reason. What if I DO turn up pregnant? My grandma would disown me and I have NO idea what Sprat would do or say. He's 45. I want to get married. I DON'T want to tell HIM that.
I can't get him to do ANYTHING. He's been "building" me a doghouse for 3 weeks now. Only one piece of wood has been cut. I love him but he moves at a snails pace.Wait... I think a snail moves faster.
I am still SO freakin tired all the time. THAT depresses me, worries me and makes me think something is REALLY wrong. I pump myself full of energy pills and energy drinks. GOOD NOTE (I suppose): I found a lo carb energy drink sweetened with SPLENDA Rock ON!!! Although I don't think they work as well. I seem to drink MORE of those.
I still shop too much. I spent another $ 120 on clothes and told myself it was my Christmas to me. Then I went to the thrift store and bought NINE (different) pairs of cool lookin pants. They are only $ 1.75 each was my justification for THAT one. I sneak them into the house. Sprat would never know the difference. I could wear a different outfit every day and still have 6 months worth left. Still, I feel guilty. $ 1.75 or not.
When I stop and think about what drives me to do the asinine things I do and why I sabotage myself, I come up with:
Guilt
Abandonment
Inadequacey
Self Esteem
Loss of self
Unworthiness
Doom
Resentfulness
That's about it I think LOL What's odd, is I don't feel this way ALL the time. Just when I stop and THINK. I hate to think. I try not to. I need to focus on something OTHER than.... other than WHAT I don't know exactly. It seems the harder I TRY (a laughable term) the worse I do. Like, the more I focus on NOT shopping or NOT eating something, it drives me to do it MORE. Is shock therapy outlawed these days? I do a constant comparison of myself. I try not to. I can't help it. I can find a million reasons why others are better than me, but not ONE to find out why I am better than THEM. That sounds bad. I know. I saw a picture of Rhianna and it showed cellulite on her upper thighs. I felt SO much better. Then I thought her face was pretty enough to make up for it, therefore she is better than me.
OMG reading this back, I sound like a certifiable NUT JOB. Maybe I should quit while I am ahead. ALTHOUGH I DO have to say, from the bottom of my heart, that I feel joy and happiness when I read of my Atkins homies doing so well. Then I get jealous and beat myself up
Eating "healthy" is expensive. ****, just eating these days is expensive. Of course, when you can get a box of 67 frozen corndogs for $ 3.99 and you can eat for a month..... Although corn dogs may not be a good example cuz I could pull off the breading and just eat the weiner. hahahahaha but you know what I mean. It's easier to throw together a PNB and jelly sammich than to stand over a grill and cook the chicken and then clean up all the mess. Then turn around and make other things for the other living, breathing, eating things in my house. I need to try harder. MUCH harder. Lazy flows through my bloodstream.
Apparently, I've gotten off course.......
My only plan is this: Drink water daily. Stick to plan as best I can. Suck it up and FIND the time to cook something. It's better for me in the end.
Another side note: I found out that I am the healthiest fat chick at work!!! Do I get a prize? All my sugars, cholesterol, etc came back in the "normal" range and I am now just overweight and not obese.
We had a "Wellness Program" and they came out and weighed, measured and stuck us all. AND gave us $ 150. Schweet.SO.... my little pretties.... THAT is where I've been. Hiding. I think behind a frozen burrito somewhere...... but wearing something cute while doing it!
Not that cuteness makes it any better.I admit my downfalls and swear a restart. I notice alot of that around here. I also say I'm not gonna be one of "those" who re-start weekly. LOL Not that there's anything WRONG with that. I'm a founding member.
I STILL think about you guys daily, and promise to do better. I need to set up a reward for getting every 5lbs down. Any suggestions? CLOTHES are NOT an option! lol
Not looking for pity or nothing. I just LOVE to ramble and "talk" I'm from the south, ya know. Just throwing some stuff out there and hoping I can re-read to find out where I derail and why.
Wish us ALL luck and thanks for just being YOU!!!!!!
Much
I wonder how many other people on this site share in those feelings with us.
****, I wonder how much of society in general does.
I'd venture to say that more can empathize with us than can't.
I'm glad to see that you're back.
First, Sprat. You are so young and with a man of 45? No wonder he does nothing around the house, he's got you to eventually do it for him. And you want to be married but don't want to tell him? As one woman who put up with a half relationship for 4 years, I'm begging you to step back and really evaluate the relationship. Is there passion, is there true and understandable committment and future plans? Does he change the subject when you bring up serious things? Does it seem like you are the one putting 100% into this and he's coasting? If so, then you aren't in a relationship...you are his mother that he gets to have sex with...Freudian, but true. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, owned stock! Here are two of the biggest, most important things I have learned in my life to date...ready?
YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE!
LOVE ISNT ALWAYS ENOUGH!
You can love someone and it still doesn't make the relationship a healthy one. You can love enough for the both of you and at the end of the day you are still unhappy and feel alone. Sure, he could love you, in his own way, but if he isn't willing to put anything into the relationship, to really give to the relationship, then it isn't enough. It's not NEARLY enough. Don't settle. Please dear god, don't settle. There is nothing in this world worth settling for.
Have you considered that your shopping troubles, your eating troubles, your lack of energy, stems from knowing deep down that there is something missing? I know that statement is a bit deep, but really think about it. Are you settling in one aspect of your life and therefore overcompensating in others? Are you sabotaging your diet because you are afraid that if you finally lose that weight and get healthy that you'll be pushed out of your comfort zone?
Ok, enough psycho-babble. Promise.
I'm really happy you came back. We have missed you.
Sorry that the whole stove/electrician thing has gotten resolved. Your great grandmother and mine should meet. My Nanny is 101 years old this past August and she talks about wanting to die CONSTANTLY. She's bored. She wakes up, watches tv, naps, eats, and goes back to bed. She can feel her body shutting down around her and can't stop it or speed it up. It's very upseting and I do NOT look forward to the day it happens, but she is so miserable and bored that I would also be happy for her to finally be able to stop. Just realize that while you've only had her for a few decades, she's been around almost 100 years and most of the people she knows are dead. Perhaps you could spend more time with her, have her tell you all the stories she can remember so you can write them down as a family history of sorts, I bet she'd love that!
As for the diet, you have to do the best you can. I understand about food being expensive. I'm about to be unemployed and things are going to be VERY tight. Not looking forward to it. You have to do the best job you can though. Each time you mess up just correct yourself and keep moving forward. Otherwise you just get stuck.
Wow....long comment, but it was a long blog post.
So glad you are back though. Wish I could give you a great big hug!