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This is a long post and it has my personal feelings in it. So beware if you read past this point you were warned. I just needed to get all of this off my chest and this is the only place I can do it. 
I have got to find the energy and the ump to make it today. Life just isn't fair at times. You know if the issues with money didn't present itself I think my life would be ok. We are just way over extended and I don't know where to pull from.
My hubby is a chronically ill person but also at the same time he is just a weak soul. Don't get me wrong I understand he has health issues and I don't doubt that at all, I am sympthetic to his health issues as I have seen things first hand. He takes off from work anytime he can and for any reason. My 2nd cousin died and he wanted to take off. I didnt even know my second cousin and didn't go to the funeral myself. Things like that. He wants to be a stay at home grandpa.
I have tried to figure budgets and figure budgets but how can you figure budgets when the main money maker gets sick and doesnt try to even get better.
He won't let me change jobs cause he is afraid something will happen to his mom and dad. With him I am not talking about major issues I am talking about minor ones. Just any reason to stay off from work. This all started 3 years ago this month. Well it was before then but not so bad. He had a major break down, emotionally and physically and nearly died , and was off for 3 months. We, only by the grace of God, made it. And ever since then anytime he gets sick it takes him 5 days or more to get over the simpliest things. I guess this makes me a mean person to feel this away. I do love him but am not happy with him and the bad thing is he knows it. I feel like his mother. And all he wants to do is be in bed. I know it sounds like he is depressed and he is on medicine for it. The one he is on now actually helps him. He was worse On Cymbalta he didn't care about nothing but his dog, listening to the trading post and whoopi.
We took him off of that one really quick. I don't even want that from him cause I am too worried about everything else in our life.
I don't want an intimate relationship with my husband, he is someone I have to mother. It feels like a lie to me because he thinks things are better when I am only meeting my needs. I am being selfish in that area cause he thinks just because he is at home that I should just be at his beck and call. I don't respect his position in the family cause to me I am the head of the household, I take care of the money, the bills, and most everything else. It is hard to respect someone when you feel like this.
He doesn't want to give up anything nor do with out but I am out of options as to where to pull it from.
I am so tired of this. This behavior irritates me to no end. He grips cause people miss work. But he is just as guilty of it. This is a big issue with me. He can't help it cause he gets sick but he just uses any reason to stay sick. If I get a stomach virus and it last 1 day, his last 3 and then some. He is just a puppy and another thing I have to take care of.
I am not happy with my life at times but at times it is tolerable at best. But I know not to count on it to stay that away.
I want to leave him but something holds me back from doing it. I want out of this caretaking situation but am at a loss as to how to do it. I want to try to stay married but I don't want to be a mother to my husband. He is basically healthy well with a lot of meds to back it up. High blood pressure, hernia, gout, shingles, high heart rate and he is depressed. '
I am a diabetic, I have IBS and I am long term depressed and was hospitallized for it 20 years ago. It is hard to deal with depression. I put myself on the back burner and fill my life with everyone else to take care of so I will forget about how I really feel on the inside. I do what it takes to make it . I work sick and tired. I hate my job. I hate my life but I love my grand kids. I am too young to feel this away about life. I want to have fun. I want out. I fell I make him worse by not pushing him to be better.
He thinks he is dyeing and he is afraid to live. He is afraid if he has fun it will cut his life short. I have talked to him till I am blue in the face. He is too young to act this old. I have talked to the doctor and told him what was going on and he has talked to him but it doesn't do anygood. Since July he has worked a total of maybe 20 days if that many.
My hubby doesn't understand why I don't want to be around him. It is tearing me up on the inside to see all of this and know there is nothing I can do about it.
I need to make some choices but don't know what ones to make.
We could have such a wonderful fulfilling life if he would just try. He blames all the money issues on me. And tells me I spend to much money. I am at such odds right now. We have the potential to have alot but I live in less due to him. We could have everything he wants but he has to do his part and he is not. I am ok if I have to give up stuff to make it but he is not. he wants to live like the Jones but doesnt want to work for it. I have got to figure how to fix all of this with what I have.
I am trying to battle this weight issue but I feel I am fighting a loosing battle. He is afraid I am going to loose weight and leave him for some other man. I am here to tell you that if I leave him it will be a cold day you know where before I ever let a man live in my house again.
The only reason I want to continue on this journey with my weight is because it is the one thing I do have control over. I can control what I put in my mouth. I have contol over if I exercise. I have control over drinking water. Those things I have contol over. I feel better about me for staying on this way of life. It is the one thing I am doing for me.
Venting is over. I hope I feel better about things soon. I am at a loss as to what to do about how I feel. I am just going to keep plugging along and I know God will show me a way to go.
Firstly, God won't show you the way to go. You have to do it. If you wait for God you won't get out of your situation except in a wooden box. If you must have faith in God, maybe God sent me here to this thread today to tell you some Home Truths?
Funnily enough I never give advice, but your posting made my blood boil.
How dare this man offer you a marriage then force you into caretaking for a lazy, selfish, insulting, good-for-nothing layabout?
Listen, you signed up for a marriage. You didn't sign up for this rubbish - to be his caretaker OR his mother.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but this situtation will go on for as long as YOU let it.
This man is walking all over you. Clearly he is taking advantage of
1 Your kind nature
2 Your belief in marriage
3 Your charitable/Christian beliefs
Marriage isn't for life any more! No woman has to suffer this kind of misery! Seems to me you are so keen on "being married" you are putting up with this utter abuse of your life. OK if marriage means so much to you, be married -- but to someone else!
And if you never want a man in your house again that is a PERFECTLY VALID way to live. I know LOADS of women who live perfectly happy lives without a man in the house. Devote yourself to your grandchildren instead. They are much more likely to bring you happiness than staying married to this man.
You are trying to be a good wife, I know, but what is HE doing to try to be a good husband? It HAS to be equal, or it is crap and misery. You do not deserve to be treated in this way.
He won't change. It's all too comfy for him! You cannot change him, because none of us can change anyone.
The only person you can change is yourself.
Please repeat these sentences to yourself a thousand times:
1 HE WILL NEVER CHANGE.
2 THIS IS A WASTE OF MY LIFE
3 HOW MANY MORE YEARS AM I PREPARED TO WASTE IN THIS WAY BEFORE I GET OUT?
If you are a grandmother, then you must be 40 or more years old. When are you going to leave him? When you are 55? 65? 75? In your coffin?
Get out while you are still young enough to HAVE some life. Live alone, work on your health, work for your church, live for yourself and your grandchildren (it cannot be good for them seeing how their grand-dad lives!) Lose your weight, enjoy your life. You have a life, you know, a life separate from this parasitic layabout. There is a YOU that is separate from him. I say go and BE that you for a while. Maybe in ten years you will meet a man who is likeminded to you and wants to pull together to make a true equal partnership with you. If he never comes along so what? We don't NEED men. We may WANT one, but we don't NEED them.
So, DO NOT "keep plugging along". What a terrible way to live life. Plugging along in misery. Is that why God put you on this earth? No way!
I think your first move should be to move out. Go anywhere - stay with one of your children, sleep on their couch, anything, just take yourself and your caretaker services away from him. Do not visit him. Do not phone him. Refuse to see him or speak to him. Just say, "I need to leave you alone to give you time to think through your life and your behaviour". When he asks "How long" say "As long as it takes." But have in your mind at least a month away. If he asks why you have gone, say because he needs time and space to think about your marriage. Beleive me, when you are no longer there, he will be thinking about his marriage 24/7. Eventually he will beg you to return, and then you can do so, on your own terms ie that he must decide that he will change his ways. If he won't then move out completely.
All the time you stay with him and mother him and nurse him, you will be in this same situation.
Well that is my tuppence worth. Take it or leave it. See what others say. Maybe others will think this a good use of your precious life - THE ONLY LIFE YOU ARE EVER GOING TO GET!
I know that as women we are taught to stick to our men through everything, especially once married, to be their mothers and caretakers when needed and to put up with it all because we are women and we are nurterers by nature. Well, that is fine, to a point.
There is a point at which those husbands go from being truly ill and needing help to completely dependent on their spouse for EVERYTHING. I don't blame you at all for not feeling amorous towards your husband. How could you feel equal to someone who is not only completely dependent upon you for all things but is also insulting?
The trick is to know when enough is enough because while you did commit to your husband in your vows (and even as a non-religious lesbian I can understand and respect that) he made a commitment to you too. He is not committed to your marriage, he is dependent upon your guilt. You married each other as equals and this is no longer the case. Had he been injured horribly in an accident and never able to take care of himself again it would be a different matter, I'm sure. But seeing as the man can care for himself and chooses the lazy and easy way out and then expects you to be his emotional punching bag....well that should be unacceptable.
I agree with LastChance that you should consider your other options. How many years are you going to be caregiver? How many years are you willing to do without and put up with this behavior because it is the least scary option? When will you be worthy enough to come first in your own life?
Your husband may be ill but he is abusing you and I think you know this. He is emotionally abusive and he is taking great advantage. What would you tell your children if they were in your situation? Why are you not worthy of being happy? You can't make this situation better...it is up to your husband. You can only change YOU.
If I may, I would recommend a book called "Codependent, No More". It is my mother's bible as she copes with my own father's self-destructive alcoholism. It is a great book for anyone who finds themselves clinging to unhealthy situations, relationships, and feel unable to see a way out. It isn't one of those "you need to leave him now, you wuss" kind of books, it is one that shows you how to recognize certain behaviors, both within yourself and in the other person, how to handle them, how to break free if that is what you want, and how to deal with the aftermath.
You are accountable for your actions, but don't make yourself accountable for his. If he chooses to kill himself slowly with depression and inactivity and anger, than that is his choice. You will never be able to change that or give him the help he needs, hun, you can't. You have to care of yourself or you will turn around one day and it will be too late to live your own life.
I know he will not change and I know I can't make him nor do I want to try. I am not sugar coating things anymore and he will either straighten up or not but reguardless I am moving forward with the new me. He is trying to control me with his health and I see through it because he sees I am being selfish now and starting to put me first. No longer am I sitting here allowing him to do that and I showed him yesterday. It was quiet an amazing site to see this man look at me as if he saw something new and was at a loss as to what to do or say next. But I never faultered yesterday and I kept with my plan. I am proud of my self. I will start school next fall to become an OT assisant. I have to get some science classes out of the way. It is my dream. It will take 3 years with all the schooling I need to realize my dream but I am determined. I announced to him of my intentions and he said nothing. I have to get basic studies out of the way.
I have made lots of sacrifices for my family but I am not doing that any longer. Loosing family the way we have has showed me life is short. I have lost so many people in my life due to health and of course old age.
The grandbabies continue to be my an uplifting part of me and they keep me going. It is fun to play the Wii with them and compete for top spots on all the activities.
I have an agenda and I am not stopping till I get it finished. I am motivated and in the long run diligence does pay off.
I do appreciate all comments and I do read them. I know what you are saying and yes if this was my kids I would say the same.
His days and time is numbered and he knows it. He has to want to change but I can't do it for him.
He wants to loose weight but you can't do that sitting and sleeping all day. He has to want to make a change.
I read the co-dependent book many years ago and I am co-dependent. It is a hard thing to get away from. I need to get that book again. I will look for it today at the book store. I am learning to say no.
Me on the other hand. Change is coming and I am making it happen. It is my time girls and I am doing this for me. I count and I matter. One step at a time.
I feel this is the new me attitude and I am not for sure what will come of it so it is a new road traveled. But I like it and that is the first step.
you know dr. phil says you can't change what you don't acknowledge. Well here it is in black and white. I am acknowledging it now.
Thanks again. I am glad you posted to my blog.