This is going to be a new year for me but it is also going to be the hardest. Bill, my father in law, is going down hill. Not only will I loose my beloved father in law but my job as well. I love this cranky old man. He really has been a blessing and a curse and in the midst of it all I have a daughter like love for him and his wife.
This man in his younger years was a pretty mean person, the initial stroke took alot of that out of him. I met him after the stroke so I don't have those memories of him like the rest of the family does and I am glad of that.
I haven't been doing right lately with my eating as watching this strong man die in front of my eyes one stroke at a time and of course the christmas holiday season and my life has taken its toll on me. It seems to be a cruel way to go. Everyday we loose more of him and I wonder just how much more can this mans body take. I want to run away and not go through this with his family. I don't want to watch all of this happen. It tears me up on the inside to watch it. But running never got me any where.
Running has gotten me 100 lbs over weight. Running away from my feelings has gotten me to this point in my life. NOT facing the things in my life has indeed ruled my life.
Recently I finally had a long talk with my daughter. I finally told her that she was not ready for unsupervised visits with her children. That I would not stand behind her. Until that moment I had been hiding behind a fake wall because I didn't want to hurt her and I still don't but I was tired of walking on eggshells. I don't know if I will ever trust her with the lives of these precious babies. She still hasn't gotten IT you know the concept of parenting. Although 27 she is still very immature and acts 13. How I long to be just a regular grandma and have weekends full of fun activities and spoil my grand children then send them home for their parents to contend with the spoiled little one. To get told I wish you wouldnt do that so I could tell them "that is my job as a grand parent" instead I have to tell the both parents that cause they get to be the fun person and have a carefree life. I love my grandbabies all of them and would give up my life for them.
I am not a selfish person in fact I am a very giving person.
I don't know what this new year brings for me but I hope that with everything God sees fit to send me some SONshine along the way.

I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year's Eve and stays safe. I know that things can't always stay the same and for that I am thankful.

Peace, love and happiness wishes for all.