I woke up at about oh-dark-thirty this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I was thinking about money, how frustrated I am that my husband refuses to change jobs to something that pays enough to support us, so angry with him I revisited in my mind ways I can walk out as is my usual response to such situations. It's not the best way to start the weekend.

I decided to clean at it, so went ahead and got up and took a shower. Took the trash out, fed the dogs and cats, tidied the living room, kitchen and bath, and started laundry. While in prayer it occurred to me that I am perhaps entirely too focused on him and his doings, par for me a seriously sick codependent.

Think I'm going to go to an Al-Anon meeting this morning. I grew up in an alcoholic family and wound up with the disease myself, hitting bottom at age 20. While my former classmates were completing degrees and planning weddings and so forth I wound up homeless and staying in a room upstairs from a bar. I've been sober 26 years, but it's been weeks since my last meeting. Thing is of late I find that my issues have more to do with my seeming inability to mind my own business and take care of ME.

At work I get preoccupied with my neighbor teacher who for whatever reason has basically fallen off the planet leaving administration with no choice but to ask others in her department to plan lessons for her sub and grade her papers, etc.. I get wound up about how many students are roaming the halls, none of whom are mine. In fact, I think the one classroom I don't seem to have any concerns about it is my very own, and I remain behind on grading, behind on posting grades, and behind on planning.

At home I survey my DH activities to see if he's going to bring home a paycheck from insurance sales... I resent being the breadwinner, resent being the one who manages the finances and feel more like his mother than his wife much of the time. He really is a kind person, but I'm becoming such a harpy I doubt he's very happy with me.

Then there's this blast from the past, my drug addict ex-husband who I know is still using yet is contacting me anew with tearful amends. He wants to be friends on FaceBook. LOL Geez. I was stupid enough to accept the request for about 30 seconds then quickly deleted him. Oh my... with all the former students who connect with me there, all the family and friends who know me, know my history with this man... geez. My daughter says to just ignore him, and I know she's right. For weeks now I have been drafting new responses to his last email and actually sent one a couple days ago. This is insane, that is that I keep doing the same thing expecting different results.

So it's a long narrative and probably too much information for most readers. I read somewhere that if we put all our problems in a box and piled the boxes on a table in the middle of the room... then given the instructions to take the box of problems you would rather have... that we'd all choose our own box.

I know I'd choose my own box... mainly because I honestly believe my problems are of my own making and that I can do something about them just for today.

It never ceases to amaze me how growing up in an alcoholic family and all the codependent yuck that goes with it can continue to turn my world upside down today, years after the practicing alcoholics are out of my life. I need a meeting. I need to get caught up on my grading and planning. I need to finish this laundry. I need to get ahold of myself.

Last night I drove to the drug store to pick up a cold pack and heating pad for my DH who had sprained his ankle. I wound up picking up those two items as well as shoe inserts and an ankle brace... and walked straight down the candy aisle to pick up a pouch of macadamias, a pouch of flavored almonds, and a pouch of sunflower kernels, 8 oz of nuts total. I tore into the sunflower seeds before leaving the parking lot. Not even an hour later I had scarfed down all of the nuts. Needless to say I'm retaining water today.

So far this morning I've had coffee and water. I don't feel hungry. I'm exhausted. I think I've been up since just after 3 this morning. I hope the day goes better.