An interesting re-discovery about myself

[Chris]

There is one thing about me that is different than most people with a weight problem. I've noticed it in the past, and it's resurfaced. When I'm depressed, rather than running to food for comfort, I can't eat.

Now, I'll admit that I reached 213 pounds by eating when I was bored, eating when I was happy, eating to enhance the enjoyment of a good book or television program, eating for many reasons, but not for being depressed.

My S.O. and I have actually only been officially living together since the 18th (a little over a week ago). Well, his Mom, who lives in Beltsville, MD (about 45 minutes from here) insisted that he come over for Thanksgiving, since other family members where coming from out of town. Well, when she got him there, she didn't want to let him leave! She found every possible kind of task for him to do around that huge house of hers. She finally let him return home, yesterday. Great, it felt wonderful to finally have him home. (Loud horn blast, here)

When he gets home, he hits me with the fact that her husband's (Michael's stepfather) family is having a reunion this week in Myrtle Beach, and she wants Michael to go. He said that she asked numerous times, and that it was very important to her. I, unfortunately, said that he'd already been with her for over three days, and that we only have two weeks before I have to travel to be with my family for Christmas, and I'd rather that he not go. (I'm going to be gone for two weeks. My Mom is fighting cancer, and this might, possibly, be her last Christmas. I promised her that I'd stay for as long as I could, this year. I really have NO choice.) Well, to make a long story short, Michael accused me of trying to make him choose between me and his mother! Things went downhill for a while, but we finally got it all calmed back down, and back to normal. However, they left this morning for five days in Myrtle Beach.

The point of all of this is that yesterday I wasn't able to eat all day. I finally did make myself eat a chicken thigh and some green beans last night, because I was feeling a bit weak. Today, I haven't eaten anything, and here it is lunchtime. I brought tuna salad, and I am going to eat it, because I know that I must. But, I certainly don't want it.

I think the worst part of this is having to pretend to everyone that everything's great. Co-workers ask how my Thanksgiving was, and I have to say, "Great, how was yours?" I have to smile at everyone as if all is well, and all I can really think about is getting this week over so that the person I care about will be back home, and we can at least be together again for a little while.

God, now I know why everyone complains about mothers-in-law!

[cleochatra]

Re: An interesting re-discovery about myself

I'm the same way when my sweetums is gone, Chris! It's a feeling of loss and emptiness and comfort. I mean, my best friend is gone. Granted, I can't fetch you your slippers, but I'm here to give you a great big noogie when you need it!

I'm glad you are so past the eating because someone is out of town. And Mothers can be sooooooooo manipulative. Not that I am. *ahem*

[ShannonK]

Re: An interesting re-discovery about myself

Oh, Chris, hang in there. I can be the same way. My dh just left for Kuwait. He is only going to be gone for two weeks, but I hate it when he leaves, especially for such places. I only have to think of friends who really have husbands there and for a good deal longer than two weeks. When he is not around, sometimes my stomach gets in knots and sometimes I have a lump in my throat that food just won't go around. You have to push past it and do what you know is right for you and your body.

I can also tell you that you will never win the mother in law fight. You have to make it work for you. If you can become the bigger person here, you will win out. Plus, you cannot see her as a threat. She isn't a threat to you at all. Feel free to PM me anytime on this issue. I have become an expert.

15 years almost married and I have known her since I was thirteen!

[2big4mysize]

Re: An interesting re-discovery about myself

oh Chris I'm so sorry
Why do you have to tell your coworkers it was great? why not tell them the truth it was lonely nothing wrong with not having a perfect NormanRockwell thanksgiving nor Christmas either.

Chis if you and Michael are SOs and live together why not co family together? both go to the reunion manybe you only stay a day and he stays longer and the same at Christmas. Both go to your mothers but he can leave early? My sister and her SO do that and nobody think any less of either of them as a couple or member of our family.

[dreamof145]

Re: An interesting re-discovery about myself

Chris (hugs to you)

It's so hard to be in a relationship. There are so many times that we feel our partners don't appreciate us or understand how we feel. I know I've felt like that numerous times. And, I also don't eat when I am feeling like that. The trouble is when I finally snap out of it, I over eat and compensate by eating too much of the wrong things. I've never had a problem NOT EATING for extended periods of time, but then when I am no longer in the starvation mode, WATCH OUT!!

I've found that the best thing to do when I've had a situation like this is to make a date and both take turns discussing the issues that are bothering us.

If you go first, say that you are feeling bad about ______, then you both discuss it. Don't accuse each other and say it in a degrading way, just say that it is the way you feel. You have a right to your feelings and so does he.

Then, it would be his turn to do the same thing. When my husband and I do this, we come away from the meeting knowing how each feels about certain topics..and most of the time we've discussed a solution or plan for dissolving it.

The holidays are stressful enough and feeling like you aren't special makes it worse. I hope that you can work through this and that your holiday can be joyous. Its not about choosing one person over another, its about showing both people they hold a special place in your heart. Sometimes its just asking the other person "What can I do to show you how I care without having to hurt this other person?" Being a part of the solution sometimes helps to tame the inferrior feelings that we all have at times"

I don't know if this helps, but It has helped me in my life.

[ShannonK]

Re: An interesting re-discovery about myself

Hi again Chris,
I like 2 bigs advice, too. You can try to combine the trips? Maybe that isn't practical from a time off work/ financial issue perspective, but it is a good idea. Also, she is right again when she suggests that you don't have to pretend to your co-workers. Trust me, it is quite a relief to tell people what a witch I have to deal with. It can be theraputic.

Just focus on Michael's return and how hot you are going to look as you continue to creep towards goal!

[Chris]

Re: An interesting re-discovery about myself

Gosh, folks, I turned to you knowing that I'd get nice words of support, but to actually read them just about brings tears to my eyes. That's THE best thing about ADBB -- all the people who really do care!

Unfortunately, 2Big, Michael is not "out" to his family. They think we're just good friends and housemates. My family does know, however, and several members have talked to him on the phone to welcome him to the family. My folks all live quite a distance away, though, so on the rare times I do get to visit, it may not be practical for him to go along (although Mom mentioned, just yesterday, that he'll be most welcome when he can).

Dream, I think your advice is wonderful, and I'm certainly willing to give it a try.

Shannon, you may just be getting some PMs asking for the MIL advice!

Hey, Cleo, where's my noogie?!!

Thank you all -- and bless you!

[cleochatra]

Re: An interesting re-discovery about myself

*stealth ninja attack noogies*

[Zarabelle]

Re: An interesting re-discovery about myself

Oh poor you Chris - that must be tough. Would his family not accept it if he came out? I guess not or he would have done that.... it must make it difficult.

I don't know what to suggest really except you both need to be there for each other aswell as your families and his need to be a bit less demanding in my opinion.

Good luck hun xx

PS I have no idea what SO means!

[Chris]

Re: An interesting re-discovery about myself

PS I have no idea what SO means!

Significant Other

Thanks for the kind words of sympathy, Zarabelle. Michael is a very, very masculine man who's into sports and all that macho stuff. I really don't think he'd EVER come out to his family. Also, I suspect his Mother would probably have a coronary if he did so!

[Zarabelle]

Re: An interesting re-discovery about myself

Ahhh - thanks for the SO explanation Chris!

It's a difficult one - I think he's going to have to put you first sometimes - how he explains that to his family is entirely up to him! My father in law used to be very demanding on my husband's time - it put pressure on our relationship in the early days. In the end he had to somehow get across that he had his own life and commitments as well as family life. It all worked out OK in the end.

Good luck xx

[BoxerMom]

Re: An interesting re-discovery about myself

Chris-
A coronary would eliminate your MIL problems.

[Chris]

Re: An interesting re-discovery about myself

Chris-
A coronary would eliminate your MIL problems.

Oh, you are evil! Sooooooo evil!!

[cleochatra]

Re: An interesting re-discovery about myself

Chris-- From what you've even intimated in other posts, his mom's wound so tight her knickers can't breathe. She probably still thinks the missionary position is a Christian's opinion about something while abroad.

[Chris]

Re: An interesting re-discovery about myself

Chris-- From what you've even intimated in other posts, his mom's wound so tight her knickers can't breathe. She probably still thinks the missionary position is a Christian's opinion about something while abroad.

Wow, talk about right on! That's unbelievably perceptive -- and descriptive -- of you, Cleo!